How much sex is enough???

[LittleTiger]

These discussions always intrigue me because I was the one who didn't get sex, and I am the woman. So either my husband is really female.....or the typical "the man isn't doing enough to earn it" or "the woman doesn't care about sex after kids" doesn't cut it.

 

I'll go ahead and say it: my husband was the only man with whom I could morally and ethically have sex. I am touchy and affectionate and sensual by nature. So what the heck was I supposed to do when he unilaterally decided sex was not important?

 

I'm going to get flak for this, but I say sex IS a foundational part of marriage, and barring real problems or abuse or health issues that cannot be addressed, yeah, it should be a given. If you do not plan to have sex in your marriage, either find another asexual to marry or stay single. It really isn't fair to withhold what someone needs and then give them no recourse.

 

If a man said "I'm not a talker. I don't WANT to have conversations with my wife because she isn't nice enough to me," that would NOT fly. And yet if a man doesn't jump through hoops he doesn't "deserve" sex?

 

As far as frequency goes, that is something that has to be discussed. But I can tell you that even though 3 or 4 times a year would have been more than enough for H, it was not fair of him to expect it to be enough for me. Just like I would not have insisted on the 3-4 times a week I really would have liked.

 

People tend to see the one who wants sex as selfish. There can be a heck of a lot of selfishness on the other side as well.

 

There are lots of instances of women being the ones who want more sex. I was one of those women too.

 

It doesn't change the fact that many women do go off sex after they have children or around menopause. Nor does it change the fact that plenty of men think they have to earn sex and may turn themselves into doormats in the process.

 

Men can lose interest in sex too. It may be for different reasons eg lack of attraction because she's gained weight perhaps, but very often I think it's just the other side of the same coin - faulty dynamics.

 

I completely agree that sex is fundamental to a good marriage. I also agree that it's selfish of the partner who doesn't want sex to withhold it from the one who does. I told my ex that if our sex life didn't improve I would be looking for sex elsewhere. I suggested an open marriage, even though I didn't want one. When he eventually left me he told me he was 'doing me a favour'. It didn't feel like it at the time but looking back I have to admit he was probably right.

[LittleTiger]

She claims her sex drive and attraction is down period - for me ...or any man and it would not be different with anyone else right now. She maybe right as there are sometimes - internal reasons for a drop in sexual desire and activity that have nothing to do with relationship they are in.

 

Yes, that's true - lack of desire can be due to physiology but there are many examples, even just on LS, of women whose libido suddenly returns when she's in the arms of a new lover.

 

I doubt that your wife would ever admit to you that another man could raise her libido - even if she believed it to be true - that would just be too hurtful.

[dichotomy]

Yes, that's true - lack of desire can be due to physiology but there are many examples, even just on LS, of women whose libido suddenly returns when she's in the arms of a new lover.

 

I doubt that your wife would ever admit to you that another man could raise her libido - even if she believed it to be true - that would just be too hurtful.

 

This may sound odd but if she could just figure "it" (reason) out with our sex and marriage therapist, even if it was the odd reason she would prefer an other lover/man....it would be a relief to have some truth and resolution for each of us. Too much hidding and unknown is not healthy.

 

I still love her and would like her to have a fulfilling sex life again like she used too - as much as I want this for myself - and if that means she needs to end things and get it elsewhere with a different type of man.... then sad but ok.

 

But for now - our experienced therapist is a confused as I have been and is trying to figure her out.

[LittleTiger]

This may sound odd but if she could just figure "it" (reason) out with our sex and marriage therapist, even if it was the odd reason she would prefer an other lover/man....it would be a relief to have some truth and resolution for each of us. Too much hidding and unknown is not healthy.

 

I still love her and would like her to have a fulfilling sex life again like she used too - as much as I want this for myself - and if that means she needs to end things and get it elsewhere with a different type of man.... then sad but ok.

 

But for now - our experienced therapist is a confused as I have been and is trying to figure her out.

 

Loss of sex drive has either a physical or a mental cause. If your wife is anywhere close to menopausal age or beyond then you don't need a therapist, experienced or otherwise, to help you find a reason. It just goes with the territory.

 

If you're seeing a therapist to help fix this problem then, presumably, your wife is under 45 and you've ruled out all possible physical causes.

 

It surprises me that your therapist is confused though. If he/she is experienced then he/she should be well aware that your wife couldn't possibly know for sure if her libido would reappear with a new man and, if she did know, she might be unable to admit it, even to her herself.

 

I'm not saying that she would suddenly be up for it, I'm just saying that it can't be ruled out. It's not the therapists job to 'figure her out' either, it's the therapists job to help your wife figure it out. He/she is only going to know what your wife is willing and able to share.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and got dragged into the muck. I guess you can search the threads I put up and how they have changed over the years. Generally though I no longer say too much about my situation because I'm not terribly bothered by it (the sex part at least:laugh:).

 

More so I ask questions about the psyche and things I've read...... Often though people want to turn it on me and my situation and while I will share vignettes, that's all.....

[dichotomy]

Loss of sex drive has either a physical or a mental cause. If your wife is anywhere close to menopausal age or beyond then you don't need a therapist, experienced or otherwise, to help you find a reason. It just goes with the territory.

 

If you're seeing a therapist to help fix this problem then, presumably, your wife is under 45 and you've ruled out all possible physical causes.

 

It surprises me that your therapist is confused though. If he/she is experienced then he/she should be well aware that your wife couldn't possibly know for sure if her libido would reappear with a new man and, if she did know, she might be unable to admit it, even to her herself.

 

I'm not saying that she would suddenly be up for it, I'm just saying that it can't be ruled out. It's not the therapists job to 'figure her out' either, it's the therapists job to help your wife figure it out. He/she is only going to know what your wife is willing and able to share.

 

Thank you for your observations and constructive comments

 

This bolded point is an critical one in our marriage. My wife has hid much, at first, and brought a lot of unhealthy and unresolved relationship and sex issues into our marriage.

 

I have been trying to figure this out, and to do all I could(including the “twisting myself” JaneDoe mentions in many of her posts) to resolve the sex and other marriage issues. I have gone through two therapists. The second and most recent one is a wonderful female marriage and sex therapist I searched a long while to find and had a waiting list of 3 months to see.

 

We recently wrapped up a year of detailed couples work, resolving past and current non sexual issues, including her betrayals in our relationship and marriage. It was so helpful to me hear in our sessions that I was a great husband, attractive, admired and respected… so those are not the issues. However my hurt at my wife’s unfortunate behavior in our relationship and her past – and perhaps in general her approach to marriage has caused notable resentments that I need to work on.

 

The female sex therapist is now focusing the remaining work with my wife in individual work, focusing mainly on the low sex issue. The therapist understands my wife's age and health issues, and those are being considered and examined, but knows this is not the reason for all of it as this was declining well before those were a reason

 

This has been a difficult for me but I count my blessings, we are not in a "sexless" marriage yet, and while resistant to therapy - my wife is going and we have the right therapist for the issues. More than many posting here in this thread.

Edited May 27, 2014 by dichotomy