Husband left-completely blindsided

[blindsided14]

I wish I discovered this forum sooner. The last 6 weeks of my life have been the worst of my life. Here is my story (sorry this is long).

 

I have been married for 6 years and with my husband for 8 years. Prior to dating, we were friends for several years as he was my brother's best friend. He wanted to date me for a long time but I hesitated as he is a few years younger than I and my brother's best friend. Finally I agreed to date him and things moved pretty quickly from there. We moved in together after a few months and he proposed 7 months into the relationship. We got married just over a year later. Things were easy with us. We got along well and we never had any serious arguments. Life was great. A couple months after getting married we bought a new house. We already had one dog together and I was involved with a dog rescue group for years prior to our relationship doing fostering. Over the years we adopted several other dogs to add to our family. We did not have children, but I had custody of my younger brother who was 10 when we started our relationship. In 2010 I was in a serious car accident and was injured. During my treatment for this accident, I had a MRI done and the doctors found that I had a brain tumor (incidental finding). For the first couple of years I was having MRI's periodically while doctors monitored this tumor. In late 2012 I had surgery to remove the tumor. It was a long and tough recovery. The surgeon was unable to remove all of the tumor because a piece of it was on my carotid artery. Periodic MRI's were done to monitor the piece that was left and 8 months ago the MRI showed the tumor was starting to grow. My surgeon told me if it was still growing in the next MRI scan that I would need radiation treatment. My husband told me we would make it through this and everything would be fine. On March 31st I went to have that follow up MRI after spending an amazing weekend with my husband. I came home from that MRI and he was sitting at the dining room table and asked me to sit down. He told me he was not happy and that he was moving out. I was shocked. We did not fight and had what I thought was an amazing relationship. He told me frequently that I was the best thing to happen to him and an amazing wife. So I was completely blindsided. I asked him why and he told me that he needed to find himself. Then he got up and walked out the door. After 8 years he gave me no explanation and 5 minutes of his time. I followed him outside and I asked him what I did wrong. He told me that I did nothing wrong and that there was nothing else to talk about. I cried myself to sleep and the next morning I called him and asked if he wanted a divorce. He said he did not know what he wanted and that he needed time. I called my brother and told him this and he said he was coming over. My brother seemed angry. When he got there he told me to sit down and he told me that he found out that my husband had been having an affair with a girl from work for the last several months. A girl that I had spent the entire day with at a company BBQ the week before. I was devastated-no words can describe this. I still cannot stop thinking about this girl because I had to see her. She is 10 years younger than I. Nothing especially pretty and minimum wage job.

 

I tried to call my husband but he would not answer the phone. I called him repeatedly and he would not pick up. Finally I texted him that if he did not call me back that I was coming down to his job. He called back within 2 minutes. He was very cold and he was mad my brother told me. He said that it happened once and that he was no longer seeing her. He said "she threw herself at me". I told him I wanted a divorce and that I was going to prepare the documents and email them to him for a simple dissolution and that he was going to sign them that day in front of a notary and drop them off in our mailbox because I did not want to see him. He seemed shocked and asked me what was the rush. I was hysterical and I told him I needed him to do that for me so I could move forward. So, he did it-forgetting to sign one of them. I asked him to keep me on his health insurance and he said he would. He did not apologize or even seem sorry. He was just cold. He did say that I deserved better than he gave me.

 

I was very close with his mother and I called and told her that we were getting a divorce and I told her about the affair. She just kept saying how sorry she was.

 

Everyone we know was shocked including his best friend. Nobody had any idea. He was always with me and the only time he saw her was at work and occasionally he told me he was "working late". So basically while I was texting him asking what time to have dinner ready he was with this co-worker.

 

I emailed him that night telling him that I was going to wait a week or so to file the papers because he forgot one and I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing.

 

Honestly, those first two weeks especially were like I was living in a fog. I spent all day in bed crying and mourning what I thought I had. My brother and his wife came over and helped me pack up all of his stuff which was so horrible. He drove it all to his mom's house. He was not too happy about this and called and was very cruel to me saying it was my fault he did what he did because I was different after I started having my medical problems. He said other cruel things as well. Things I will never forget.

 

The next day I got a call from my neurosurgeon telling me he had my MRI results and the tumor was growing and I needed to schedule the radiation treatment immediately. There are no words to describe how difficult this day was. My husband was my rock and I seriously did not think I was going to be able to do all of this without him.

 

A couple of days after that my husband emailed me that he suspected his job was in jeopardy and that if I needed that treatment I should schedule it as soon as possible while he had medical insurance. A few days after that he called me and informed me that he resigned giving 30 days notice because he found out they were going to fire him and he wanted to make sure my treatment was covered. When I asked why he hesitated and then told me his company thought he was having a relationship with an employee and that is why. We had a few conversations in the next couple days and he said he still loved me and that he was confused.

 

About 3 weeks after he left was my birthday. This was not a good day. He called to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me if I needed any help with anything for the house and said he could come over. I told him I did not need anything. I was in bed most of the day. My brother insisted we go out for dinner. I told him at dinner about my conversations with my husband and he begged me not to take him back. I told him I was not sure he wanted to come back and that I was not sure what he was doing. Then he tells me he did not want to tell me on my birthday but there were other women before this one. I guess when my brother found out about his affair he confronted him and my husband admitted to all of this even showing him naked photos of these women he had in his phone. I went home-was not in a good place. I called my husband to confront him about this and he had a mean tone right away and said he did not want to talk and I asked him if he was with her and he said yes. I hung up the phone.

 

Easter was a couple days later. A sad day and very difficult. I made it through. The next day he called me and I asked him what he did for Easter and he said with his mom. I asked him who all was there and he told me that the woman from work "stopped by". For some reason this bothered me so much. I felt crushed. I said are you serious that she came by-he then told me he was now dating her and that he was not dating her before. Whatever. I talked to his mom and she said that the woman was only a friend and that is what he told her. The whole thing just made me sick.

 

I emailed him and told him I was filing the papers and moving on with my life.

 

We had a few brief exchanges after that and he was just so mean. I still do not understand his anger. Despite all of this I was never mean to him and many women told me they did not understand how I could be so nice and cordial with him after all of this. I do not know either.

 

I went a little over a week ago for my radiation treatment. He texted me late in the day that I arrived for a 2 day treatment with "Good Luck". He tried to call me the next day and the following day and texted me asking how I was feeling and I did not respond to any of that. I was so upset and doing all this alone was extremely difficult. I came home (had to go out of town for the treatment) and had some extreme side effects, etc. He got mad because I would not take his calls and left me nasty messages about how his life was so much better now and his sex life was more exciting.

 

At this point, I am numb. Prior to him leaving, he was a kind and considerate husband. I felt so lucky to have him and made sure he knew that. I spoiled him rotten and a lot of people often commented on it. I am not a perfect person by any means but I loved him unconditionally. I was in the marriage for the long haul. I trusted him. I was his biggest cheerleader. I make more money than him but that never bothered me because we had a partnership. I have been told I am a very nurturing person. I always put his happiness before mine. We went on many amazing vacations and did everything together. I believed in him and never thought he was the guy that would cheat. I did not even have any idea that my marriage was in trouble. This just feels like a bad dream. The person he is now I do not know. I never would have imagined he was capable of such cruelty with no remorse. I do not know how I lived with this man for 8 years and did not know he was capable of this. I have not seen him since he left and he has not reached out to my younger brother that he practically raised nor has he asked about our dogs or anything. It is like he forgot all of this existed.

 

I know I am better off without him, but I am still devastated. I cannot eat or sleep. I just want my old life back and I know that will never happen. I am not sure how people get through this and start feeling normal again. My life has imploded all around me without any warning.

 

Those of you that have been there, can you offer me any advice or help me understand all of this. Thanks for listening.

[Poppyolive]

I'm so sorry. This is completely heart breaking stuff. I don't know you but I could just squeeze you and sing to you to sleep.

 

He is clearly a mess, an inconsiderate mess at that. Don't waste any more of your time on him. He is most definitely not worth it.

 

You dear have to take care of your heart, your health and your mind. Surround yourself with healing love. This man is pure pig. Sign the divorce papers and find yourself. Sleepl lots, eat well and do the things that bring you joy.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[whichwayisup]

What an ass-hole! He doesn't have to be so cruel.

 

I wish you peace, and I hope you heal well after your surgery and treatment. Let your friends, your brother and family help and support you through this.

Your ex H (soon to be ex H) will one day regret how he has treated you and handled all this! Shame on him.

 

As much as you love him and I see how much pain he's caused you, he isn't worth fighting for.

[M30USA]

Sorry you had to deal with this.

[Smilecharmer]

Big hug. I'm so sorry this has happened.

[blindsided14]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated.

[Allumere]

I am so angry I am shaking. I know that coldness, that arrogant attitude, that selfish bloody coward. Huni I am so very sorry. No one and I mean no one should be subjected to that. Who knows what snapped in him but to be blunt..he ain't right. Sadly, I have seen almost the exact scenario play out but it was the wife that bailed and was screwing around...and the husband was still in the hospital. Well, they aren't worth thinking about. No sense trying to analyze because there is simply no reason to be found. This is on him so let him carry it. File the papers and simply ignore him. I am usually the last to say no contact or ignore but there is a time and place when it is more than necessary and right. You need to take care of you...and that includes your mental health. Get a good shrink, speak with your pastor, priest, spirit guide, yoga instructor...whoever fits the bill. And absolutely lean on God, every friend and family member you have, your dogs...everyone.

[blindsided14]

I am so angry I am shaking. I know that coldness, that arrogant attitude, that selfish bloody coward. Huni I am so very sorry. No one and I mean no one should be subjected to that. Who knows what snapped in him but to be blunt..he ain't right. Sadly, I have seen almost the exact scenario play out but it was the wife that bailed and was screwing around...and the husband was still in the hospital. Well, they aren't worth thinking about. No sense trying to analyze because there is simply no reason to be found. This is on him so let him carry it. File the papers and simply ignore him. I am usually the last to say no contact or ignore but there is a time and place when it is more than necessary and right. You need to take care of you...and that includes your mental health. Get a good shrink, speak with your pastor, priest, spirit guide, yoga instructor...whoever fits the bill. And absolutely lean on God, every friend and family member you have, your dogs...everyone.

 

Thank you. I did finally file the papers. I am trying to avoid contact with him because all it does is upset me more. I am really hoping they set my hearing within a reasonable timeframe because I have been told sometimes it takes 6 months.

[pteromom]

I just want my old life back and I know that will never happen.

 

Really? You want your old life back? The one where your head was in the sand while your husband was having multiple affairs behind your back?

 

I get what you are saying... you want to feel happy again. But you can do better than a guy who lies and cheats. Ugh.

 

The reason he is being cruel is that he is experiencing guilt for what he's done, and his choices are to internalize that guilt and change himself, or to externalize it and blame you for all his choices. The second is much, much easier. It's easier to play the victim... "oh, my wife didn't give me the sex life I wanted. She was older. She was boring. I really had no choice but to cheat, don't you see?" Wah, wah, wah.

 

The truth is you thought you had a great marriage. He didn't want to resolve any of his issues with you, because that took WORK and honesty... two things he didn't want to bother with.

 

And the reason you continue to be nice and cordial to him? Because you are a nice person. His actions and behaviors do not change you into someone like him, and that's a good thing.

 

It is going to take some time to move on and feel normal again. It's going to take time to recalibrate and reimagine your future. It's going to take some time not only to mourn your marriage, but to mourn the life you thought you would have.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that the life you had was a lie. You are better off without it. And day by day, things will slowly get better.

 

Surround yourself with people who love you, and try your best to find reasons to laugh.

 

You will be ok.

 

One last thing - when the honeymoon phase is over and she starts getting boring and old, he is going to come back sniffing around your door. He is going to say everything you want to hear. But remember that the only reason is that he wants SEX and for you to fill the needs SHE isn't filling. It's not out of love or desire to be a better person. Don't fall for it, no matter how your heart screams for you to run to him. Be strong and demand more for yourself.

 

The ONLY way you should EVER consider taking him back is if he agrees to go to counseling with you and to be completely open and honest in counseling so you can tear all the lies apart and start over. If he won't do that, don't even talk to him. And even if he DOES agree to that, don't sleep with him.

[harrybrown]

So sorry, this is horrible.

 

He could not even be so kind as to keep you on the health insurance.

 

I am glad that you have your brother around. I do hope the treatments go well.

 

I hope you read up on the 180, to help you recover from the pain of your H.

 

So sorry for your health problems.

 

Will you be able to get any medical care now?

[GorillaTheater]

It was brutal reading through that; that has to be one of the worst stories I've hear, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

Put this lowlife bastard in your rear view mirror and focus on you. What's the medical situation now?

[TheBladeRunner]

I get the whole "I want my life back" and everything "feels like it's imploding". It takes time to move on, but with time you can heal. It took me about a year to quit wallowing in my own misery after I discovered my XW was having an A....actually....several.

 

Your old life will never come back, nor would you want it to. Your life will NEVER be the same, BUT, it can be different and different can be pretty cool (at least for me). Work on you and your health; YOU are the most important thing right now, remember that.

 

You mentioned his coldness and meanness, he is acting that way because he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. That is typical behavior of the WS, I know mine is still a jerk every time I have to deal with her for the same reason. They show no remorse and take no responsibility for their actions, I guess that's how they live with themselves.

 

This is going to sound so dippy, but start doing things for yourself that you haven't done. Pick up a new hobby, get out and meet some new peeps, maybe even try church or something. I changed everything up and created a new life, a life that is mine, without her.

[Yasuandio]

One of the worst nightmares I've heard thus far.

 

The guy can't face your illness - he is a weak SOB. Hitting (figuratively speaking) the women when she's down. It is simply, as other's have said, deflection, and guilt - with a side order of pussy. It makes me so GD mad. Well, it is clear what a trooper you are, my dear. I couldn't face the Medical you've gone through, no way (I'm pretty tough). Holy crap! You can take on ANYTHING!

 

You are doing great hon. You have no other choice, do you? Avoid pity-parties, and forward march. No time for crybabies and an AWAL sissy boy. And after the "Tumor War" is WON by you and your family support alone, chicken shyt will be back - because he does love you. He'll figure out his loss when the gunfire ceases. He's just a coward, he ran, high-tailed during the attack - joined the other side. You cannot trust a Turn-Coat, ever again. You better believe that. Don't ever get in bed with him again! You hear me Trooper? Your going to be better than fine! Strong as steel. Yas

[Steen719]

One of the worst nightmares I've heard thus far.

 

The guy can't face your illness - he is a weak SOB. Hitting (figuratively speaking) the women when she's down. It is simply, as other's have said, deflection, and guilt - with a side order of pussy. It makes me so GD mad. Well, it is clear what a trooper you are, my dear. I couldn't face the Medical you've gone through, no way (I'm pretty tough). Holy crap! You can take on ANYTHING!

 

You are doing great hon. You have no other choice, do you? Avoid pity-parties, and forward march. No time for crybabies and an AWAL sissy boy. And after the "Tumor War" is WON by you and your family support alone, chicken shyt will be back - because he does love you. He'll figure out his loss when the gunfire ceases. He's just a coward, he ran, high-tailed during the attack - joined the other side. You cannot trust a Turn-Coat, ever again. You better believe that. Don't ever get in bed with him again! You hear me Trooper? Your going to be better than fine! Strong as steel. Yas

 

I want to like this post more than once, but I can't, so just know I agree with this 100%. What a pos coward. So sorry and I hope all goes well with your treatments.

[Yasuandio]

I want to like this post more than once, but I can't, so just know I agree with this 100%. What a pos coward. So sorry and I hope all goes well with your treatments.

 

I do it for you Steen. If I ran into this guy in an alley, I would get delusional - and their might be a replay of the last episode of Walking Dead. Seriously, if this guys story got on the news, he would be like so hated by the world. He makes Linda Tripp look like Barbie. What a Commi.

 

We are here for you. But we gotta let off some steam honey. I pulling for you, Trooper, I make little alter for you right this second. GD it. Y

[blindsided14]

So sorry, this is horrible.

 

He could not even be so kind as to keep you on the health insurance.

 

I am glad that you have your brother around. I do hope the treatments go well.

 

I hope you read up on the 180, to help you recover from the pain of your H.

 

So sorry for your health problems.

 

Will you be able to get any medical care now?

 

I did read about the 180 and I am trying to do that. I am very fortunate because my brother helped me to get insurance that will start immediately after this policy so I do not have a lapse in coverage.

[GorillaTheater]

I am very fortunate because my brother helped me to get insurance that will start immediately after this policy so I do not have a lapse in coverage.

 

Wonderful news. I was worried about that part of the equation.

 

You will be okay. You can handle this.

[blindsided14]

It was brutal reading through that; that has to be one of the worst stories I've hear, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

Put this lowlife bastard in your rear view mirror and focus on you. What's the medical situation now?

 

I am definitely moving on. That is my only option at this point. Medically, I am doing better. They said my tumor is a slow growing tumor so I will have to wait 6 months to have another MRI to see if the radiation worked. But the doctor said he is very optimistic.

[CarrieT]

I'm so sorry for your situation, but is there any reason you haven't signed up under the Affordable Care Act?

 

Then you could move forward with a divorce and never have to deal with your good-for-nothing Ex again (which should be the action take: No Contact!)

[blindsided14]

I'm so sorry for your situation, but is there any reason you haven't signed up under the Affordable Care Act?

 

Then you could move forward with a divorce and never have to deal with your good-for-nothing Ex again (which should be the action take: No Contact!)

 

I actually checked there, but they quoted me over $700 a month. My income does not qualify me for any discount or break. I just do not have health insurance through my job. My brother owns a business and put me on their plan. I feel very fortunate that he could do that for me. I feel like my stress level is off the charts and this was one less thing for me to deal with.

[stillafool]

I just don't know what to say but (((((HUGS)))))!!!!!

[blindsided14]

I want to like this post more than once, but I can't, so just know I agree with this 100%. What a pos coward. So sorry and I hope all goes well with your treatments.

 

Thank you. I have to agree. I laughed so hard reading that post-more than I have laughed since this started. It really puts thing into better perspective to hear the things others have to say.

[lil hoodlum]

Blindsighted your story is absolutely heartbreaking. I agree with others, your husband is a coward and his treatment towards you really is horrendous. I agree with steen, what a POS!!!!

 

Can you post up a picture of this posterboy of husband of the year, so if I ever seeing him walking across the road or in a parking lot I will know not to even bother braking in fact maybe even speeding up? Just kidding.

 

I hope that your husband never finds himself in your shoes one day!

[Steen719]

Thank you. I have to agree. I laughed so hard reading that post-more than I have laughed since this started. It really puts thing into better perspective to hear the things others have to say.

 

Awww...glad I could make you laugh.

 

I'm also glad you are doing well medically and that you have a good brother to help you. That support (emotional) will help you get through.

 

It may be hard to see now, but one day you will look back and be glad to rid of someone who could even think about treating you the way he did. He is a poor excuse for a human being. You, on the other hand, will come out of this stronger and gracious. He will never feel the feelings you will inspire in others who admire you. My former neighbor told me that one day I would look back and my regret would be that I did not leave my XH sooner. I said that would never be. She was right, I was wrong. That is exactly what I felt.

 

Stay strong, keep your friends and family close and that will help you. Forge on without the pos coward. Best wishes for continued good news on your health.

[Yasuandio]

I was so mad yesterday I couldn't think of the name Monica Lewinski to add with other Barbie. So today I keep short Trooper. You could get networks involved, probably get a lot of free money and support. I would think top attorneys will be eager to take you divorce case Pro Bono. Your story would be an excellent advertising time slot and great publicity for Target Department Stores also.

 

Call CNN, period.

 

Yas

Edited May 17, 2014 by Yasuandio