Husband left-completely blindsided

[blindsided14]

Today has been very difficult. I did not have any contact with my husband for the last couple of weeks. I felt like I was starting to feel better. Well last week he tried to call me and I did not answer. Then he texted that he got a new job and wanted to add me to the health insurance. He also sent me an email asking about it. I still did not talk to him. Today he called me from his new work number which I did not recognize and I picked up. He said he was calling because he had not heard from me and wanted to know how I was doing recovering from my radiation treatment. He also asked about our dogs-this is the first time since he left almost two months ago that I have gotten a call like this from him. I told him I was fine and asked him if there was anything else he needed. He got quiet and then he said he was worried because he had not heard from me. I told him I had to go and hung up the phone. I do not understand how this short interaction with him could completely ruin my day. I am not even sure why he called. Now I just feel sad.

[blindsided14]

I forgot to mention in his emails and today in the phone call he asked me if I needed him to come to the house to take care of anything that needs done here. I told him I did not need him to do anything for me.

[Radu]

Thank you. I did finally file the papers. I am trying to avoid contact with him because all it does is upset me more. I am really hoping they set my hearing within a reasonable timeframe because I have been told sometimes it takes 6 months.

 

Good thing, don't contact him.

 

His actions are putting your life at risk, literally.

 

The important thing right now is to think happy thoughts, and make plans for yourself [fun plans] for when you are done with the treatment.

[Speakingofwhich]

I forgot to mention in his emails and today in the phone call he asked me if I needed him to come to the house to take care of anything that needs done here. I told him I did not need him to do anything for me.

 

Blindsided, I'm so sorry for your suffering. I encourage you not to talk with him when he calls. I understand what you're going through as my H did the same, behaved the same and it happened very suddenly.

 

I know that when a man who seemed to love you and seemed so kind and caring suddenly turns into a cold mean stranger it's extremely confusing and there's no way to make sense of it.

 

The man your H was and is evolving even more so into, though, is no one you would want to spend your life with. Trust me. As time goes on you'll watch him disintegrate.

 

God took me through my situation and made all the difference in the world for me. May He be especially with you at this time.

 

Time is a great healer and it will get easier as the days, weeks and months go by.

[Yasuandio]

Hon,

 

The "No Contact" helps YOU heal. Let all unusual numbers go to voicemail. When NC is broken, they say it is like starting at day one. That is why you feel so bad right now. Just start over. You got to erase this guy.

 

[it is weird, just an hour ago, for real, I had an epiphany about my own situation on this same type of matter, "seeing" how a person is dangerious to you - and letting go of them. Sometimes it takes years to realize it. I comment in PS about it].

 

On a practical note, I think husbands offer of secondary insurance needs to considered by someone, unless you have Medicare as well as your brother's coverage. Would it be benificial to have a secondary insurance plan? If yes, you must allow him to put you on. Keep necessary communications (business, financial) impersonal - perhaps e-mail, or thru a third party, like your brother. The latter is the best solution, as per Radu's outstanding advice. I put candle on your alter tonight. Yas

 

 

PS. After some of my conduct, (as, natually his years of previous bad conduct do not factor in), if I was ever to reconcile with former husband, it occurred to me - there is no way I could ever trust him again. If we happened to visit or even contimplate retirement (as was our plan), to his home country of Greece, he or his extended family could have me murdered, just like that. I'm alone, I have no family. I never put my life in his hands, ever. OMG. This "wake-up call" is just coming to me after 5 years of drama. It is a Big Time paradigm shift. I've really crossed a bridge. You must do the same, a lot faster than me. Radu said it best, in your case. Prayers to you, honey. You are helping me, too. You are my model of STRENGTH. I truely admire you, Blindsided14.

Edited May 23, 2014 by Yasuandio

[blindsided14]

Thank you Yas. I certainly do not feel that strong. What I am having difficulty understanding is why he could care less about what I am doing for 6 weeks and then all of a sudden decide to call me. His behavior is so bizarre.

[jbelle6]

Just reading your story made me cry. I don't have much advice to add but I agree with the no contact and I have read a few times that cheaters act cold because of the guilt as others have mentioned.

 

I'm so sorry.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you Yas. I certainly do not feel that strong. What I am having difficulty understanding is why he could care less about what I am doing for 6 weeks and then all of a sudden decide to call me. His behavior is so bizarre.

 

When I answer your question, I dont want you to start getting hopes up, agree, please.

 

After six weeks no contact, his behavior is not unusual - he is wondering, "what the heck is going on, I thought I could walk out during the tough times, and just walk right back in, if I wanted - cause she is desperate."

 

You have turned the table on him with the NC. Many cowards call after a few weeks to check up on betrayed spouse, as if they are dipping their effing toe in water to check temperature. A woman in your condition would surely be begging and pleading on her knees by now, right? That is why he called - he cannot figure out why you are disinterested. In fact, he is the one that is desperate to understand what's happening. Why else would he call from an unrecognizable phone number?

 

Now it is your job to keep it that way. Of course he will come back, that is a no-brainer. But he is going to abandon you again, that is also a no-brainer. This thing he has done is non-negotiable, there is no going back, that is, if you value your LIFE and SANITY. Look at the reaction on the forum. I'm not kidding you. If this guy's profile and location were exposed on TV, his life would be in danger, what he has done is so appalling.

 

So -- he is following the typical pattern. He is just curious. Don't take the bait. You probably need to send a formal No Contact letter to him thru your attorney. That is my best advice to you. The next thing stunt he is going to pull is drive-by's, or an unannounced visit. If he shows up at your door, call 911. That's it, you cannot have this shyt going on, that is, him messing around with your head and mind (the physical area of your body that is trying to recuperate) and survive at the same time. I totally and emphatically agree with Radu.

 

This is why something formal needs to be in place - to prevent him from coming on the property and manipulating you at your most vulnerable time. Now discuss this with your brother. It is a matter of life or death. That is a fact.

 

Remember what I'm telling you. If you let him in, he is going to abandon you and hurt you again. Furthermore, down the road, even if he magicly turns into a school boy, you will NEVER be able to forget this crime he did upon you. You may be able to swallow it a decade or so, if you can stay alive that long with him, but it will eat your insides out. You will be left in bad shape in your latter years, with another bizarre illness. Well, hopefully not. But I think it is safe to say that science has shown by now that people that bottle resentment can get sick.

 

I'm sorry to get so graphic with you honey. I know what Im talking about. I swallowed some major egregious acts myself for 27 years, and I am paying for it now with very bad mental illness I'm not too happy with, and it didn't have to get this out of control. Listen to me hon. I'm telling you, this event you have shared with us is too big for you to swallow. I'm trying to help you. Yas

Edited May 23, 2014 by Yasuandio

[blindsided14]

Yas-I have already made up my mind that I will never take him back. There is nothing he could say or do to change my mind on that. The person he has proven to be is not the person I thought I was married to. The way he treated me has made it easier than I thought to realize there is no going back for me. I would never trust him and I would be completely miserable. I am not giving him another decade of my life.

I simply wish that he would leave me alone and I do not understand why he does what he does. He knows from my reaction in the beginning that I was devastated. I told him several weeks ago that I was moving on and that I wished him the best. I find his behavior very selfish after all of this. The least he could do is respect my wishes.

[Yasuandio]

That is completely accurate darling. When you made a reasonable request to be left alone, and he disrupted your peace for purely selfish intent. He doesn't qualify as a human being - he is a non-person. I thought mine was one of the worst on LS, but yours is a hair worse than the Nazi I used to know.

 

You got your head screwed on right, baby. Tell your doctors they did a dang good job on your brains. It took me five years to get the resolve you have, and accept this marriage is over (and I put up with 23 years of BS before that). I'm a late bloomer because of length of marriage, and co-dependency, likely. It takes many people a year or more to get this NC concept through their thick skulls. You got it together, trooper. I'm looking up to you! Yas

 

PS. U interested in a support team? If so, I'm member of "How to Kick Loves A--" - we have a international group that is chatting up very well. You can just cut/paste your story. Google site & follow instructions. I learned about it from LSer - it is serious NC bootcamp. My name is "Mia" over there.

Edited May 25, 2014 by Yasuandio
Added PS