I don't know what is true anymore but I have to let go

[OnwardandUpward]

and i dont event know how to let go.

 

Married for 12 years - i raised his 4 kids when their mum died - we co owned a business.

 

I dont know if it is true that i was unhappy - i know i packed up twice to leave - not because i didnt love him but because i was so sick of getting in trouble for talking to his kids.

 

I was really sick - i know it was hard to live with me - i was in pain 24/7 and most of the time i could not get off the bed. I was left this way by a doctor who should be sued for negligence but thats another story. Once my professor got back onto my case - he told me it would be three months before i was well again.

 

My husband walked in and ended our marriage and in chronic agony i left. I was mentally emotionally and physically unwell. He let me leave.

 

I have been on a horrendous journey trying to regain my mental and physical health. My specialist was right - it took three months.

 

My husband says he wants to be alone - he does not love me - he responds to every text i send him. He moved all my furniture for me. I am now on a disabilty pension and he bought me a new car. He seen to me being set up.

 

In amongst all of this i have begged - i have pleaded. I dont want my marriage to end. My mum says i was so unhappy in my marraige and i know many times i said i felt like i was a nothing. But i dont know if i was sick or if it was real.

 

I rang him the other day and as i was crying on the phone he kept saying 'oh love i dont like seeing you like this but our marraige is over'

 

Every day there is at least 30 texts messages and i just text him saying i am living as if he is at work and im at home and he will be home soon. I said i thankyou for not just cutting me off as our marriage ended but this texting is keeping me stuck - i said i love you. His response was ok your on a text ban - text me if your dead or dieing.

 

I dont even know how to move on. I left town, husband, kids, business, everything behind. Too much change when i was already sick.

 

I have immersed myself in art - i paint all day. I am 49 and my back is broken - and i have a very rare disease that when it goes out of whack i go into extreme physical pain and fight or flight.

 

Does it matter if i was unhappy or if it was all because i was sick - none of it changes the outcome - my marriage is over and has been for 3 months and i am stuck.

 

I am in a new town with no friends - i have been a hermit for so long because of illness but now i am just stuck. I dont know how to go meet people. I think thoughts like 'oh your old and useless now - broken - noone will ever want you and you will be alone for the rest of your life' I am 49.

 

I have helped raise 9 kids - i have owned business and now i am on a disabilty pension begging my husband to take me back. I AM AN IDIOT.

 

I am an amasing artist. I have a very kind heart. I am incredibly generous. I am a great mum, daughter, aunty. I have so many incredible qualities about me. I am loyal - fantastic cook - i just got very very sick.

 

I feel my life is over - if i don't have him in my world there is no world.

I berate myself for getting sick.

I have him on a pedestal so high - he worked his butt off for us all but on the same token - i had to raise all the kids. It was me who did the discipline - me who did the love - me who kept their mum alive in their thoughts. ME ME ME

 

His daughter was just here and she said 'what are you doing - i havent spoken to him in a month, move on' I raised this girl, she is now just about to turn 21.

 

Someone help me please - tell me how to go out and begin to create a life.

Tell me how to get him off the pedestal i have him on.

[OnwardandUpward]

I wanted to add that in amongst all of this - i have organised a shipment of dreamcatchers and i paint around the clock - my aim is to go back to markets and sell art and dream catchers as a way of making extra money. My back is really broken and i can not see me ever returning to any sort of normal work.

 

Or is this just an excuse so i can stay locked behind my doors in my own little hermit world.

 

I also feel like i am supposed to meet someone right now and fall inlove and this will get me out of these emotions. I stupidly joined a dating site and near puked at the thought of dating.

 

I feel really vulnerable and i have now instigated no contact and now i am terrified to not have contact with him. I berate myself saying 'you stupid idiot now you have no chance of getting him back' but do i even really want him back - how does anyman let his sick wife walk out a door. how does anyman do that for his own needs.

 

Aghh i just want to stop thinking

[OnwardandUpward]

How stupid am I. Im 200 klms from home pulling out of a driveway of a garage. He pulls in in the truck, waving madly. I drove off, got to where I was going and text him begging. I am so stupid and back to square one. Up on the pedestal he is and telling myself im an awful person, I must be for him to leave me. I am heart broken and crying.