Betrayed after 4 years..did she ever really love me? [updates]

[RDawg]

I had a couple of post mortem sessions in the weeks following being dumped. She continued to criticise me and tell me all about my issues.

 

It really helped me realise what an unintelligent, immature and judgemental person she really is.

 

Still love her though.

[1630chicago]

I don't disagree with the good advice on this post, and I really truly appreciate everyone taking the time to comment. I think in life sometimes we have to make our own mistakes, and I know this is one mistake I personally have to make myself, or else I know I would regret it. I'm moving in a few weeks, so this is the only chance I'll have for this meeting, and I have to take it. I mean, jesus, 4+ years, living together, planning a life together, it deserves one final conversation, I think. In regard to the poster above, who made several very good points, I will say this:

 

SHE was the one that wasn't as outgoing or adventurous. SHE was the one that was more needy and timid. I was the one who had the prestigious career, who made 4/5 of our household income, who was motivated to succeed, who supported and cared for her and went out of my way to do nice things for her, who had hobbies (music, sports, marathons, etc.) and kept in shape, and who maintained an independent life outside the relationship at the same time.

 

Ultimately, the break-up made me realize that she was not as mature as I took her to be. She had the right to leave, but her actions and the way she handled the break-up showed her to be selfish and cowardly, which I think stems from her inability and fear of communicating her true feelings and actually dealing with issues, something I accepted about her and dealt with during the relationship (but that was a frustration).

 

If anything, as this thread evolves and I think about it more, this meeting is as much for me to say my piece as it is to get answers from her. And I think that knowing that she isn't likely to tell me the truth, knowing that there is likely someone else, knowing these things will give me a better shot at getting something out of her, because I won't be as accepting of her initial bullsh*t answers.

 

Bottom line, this may set me back in the short-term, but in the long run I know it will help me move on with no regrets, allow me to say my piece, and make it so that the lasting image of our relationship is not me upset as she walked out the door.

 

So..despite the good advice, I'm going forward with the meeting. Any thoughts on how to handle it, protect myself during it, potentially dig up some answers, recap similar experiences that you have had, etc. are definitely appreciated.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude. This is only an advice forum. Ultimately you're going to do what you want to do. But, I look at it as I see you standing on some railroad tracks and I see a train come in the distance. I'm not the kind guy that would grab a lawn chair and a tub of popcorn and settle in to watch the carnage that's coming your way. I'm gone say to you, "Ummmm...dude? Train's coming. You might want to move."

 

 

The other problem with "closure" meet ups, is that we get a vision in our heads on how the meet up will go down. Unfortunately, it NEVER goes down the way we see it in our heads. I wouldn't be shocked if she cancels on you. I can see that happening too.

 

 

But, if it happens, I want you to think back to my other post, and if any of what I described starts to happen, I hope that while you're sitting there listening to that garbage. I hope a smile comes across your face and you think to yourself, "Damn, he was right! He lives in the same town I do. I need to buy this guy a beer!"

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep, closure meet-ups are an awful idea. You aren't going to get closure -- she'll say some intentionally vague things to answer your questions and each of her answers will prompt several more questions. However, those questions won't occur to you when the conversation is going on -- they'll come later after the initial contact high wears off. Then you'll want to meet again and you'll rehash and overanalyze.

 

But like ChiTown said, you have no interest in moving out of the way of the train barreling toward you. You want to get smushed, and you will. Hope you don't, but odds aren't stacked in your favor.

[BC1980]

Like everyone else said, you won't get the answers you are looking for. You will get some vague BS because many times, there isn't a concrete reason. It just doesn't "feel right" anymore. You see that a lot, and I think it just means the person doesn't love you or doesn't love you in the right way to want to consider a future with you. You can try to pinpoint it down to certain reasons, but, in the end, they are petty reasons.

 

I kept asking my ex WHY because I just didn't get the 180 flip he did on me. When he finally did give me concrete answers, it was really petty sh*t like he was upset I cancelled going to a soccer tournament at the last minute or that I he thought I overreacted when I went to the doctor after I herniated a disk in my back. It was almost like he was looking for reasons to convince himself that it was the right move to leave. It just ended up being more hurtful in the end and didn't bring the elusive closure I was looking for.

 

Trust me, at this point, your ex wants to be rid of you, as awful as that sounds. My ex just wanted to be rid of me too, and so did everyone else's ex. The last thing your ex is going to want to do is talk to you about why it ended.

[Zapbasket]

I hate to say it, but BC1980 is right.

 

Only someone with a great deal of compassion and maturity will sit with you and be honest to your face and deal with the discomfort your hurt causes them while holding their ground.

 

Most of our exes are not people with a great deal of compassion and maturity. That's why this board is so full of people in the aftermath of a breakup, reeling with confusion.

 

Maybe this recognition is a good reminder of why it might yield better results to hold out for a person of exceptional character and compassion than to try to stir that up in a person who has proven to have too little of both.

 

And then, in turn, to attract that kind of person, you have to work to become a person of exceptional character and compassion yourself. So--and not to sound too cheesy--it really is an opportunity to "be the change you want to see made in the world."

 

All that said, I totally understand your need for conclusiveness, OP. I hope you are pleasantly surprised. I think you are doing the right thing; just be prepared to leave the meeting as lacking in answers as you arrived.

 

Also, and relatedly: use this meeting as an opportunity to really evaluate her character. Such meetings as these are characters' true tests.

 

Good luck; let us know how it goes.

[1630chicago]

Thanks guys - and ChitownD, I will gladly buy you a beer anytime. Just let me know the time and place.

 

I think you are right, she is not an emotionally mature person, so that lessens the chance even more that anything concrete comes out of this. In fact, she is a conflict-avoider and bad communicator, not sure how I was able to overlook those qualities for so long and still be happy in the relationship. Unfortunately, I was, and it seems to have come back to bite me.

 

I'm hearing what everyone is saying and re-evaluating. Maybe I'll sleep on it tonight and see how I feel tomorrow. One question - if I go in without expectations (because really I have none, other than a chance to say my piece and at least pose the questions I have), will that lessen the blow of not getting any real "closure" from the meeting? In essence, if I go in not expecting any closure, than anything real that I get is a plus, and her vague answers will just be the bs I'm expecting, so I won't be let down by it.

[Simon Phoenix]

One question - if I go in without expectations (because really I have none, other than a chance to say my piece and at least pose the questions I have), will that lessen the blow of not getting any real "closure" from the meeting? In essence, if I go in not expecting any closure, than anything real that I get is a plus, and her vague answers will just be the bs I'm expecting, so I won't be let down by it.

 

No. It will still suck and throw you into turmoil.

[BC1980]

I'm hearing what everyone is saying and re-evaluating. Maybe I'll sleep on it tonight and see how I feel tomorrow. One question - if I go in without expectations (because really I have none, other than a chance to say my piece and at least pose the questions I have), will that lessen the blow of not getting any real "closure" from the meeting? In essence, if I go in not expecting any closure, than anything real that I get is a plus, and her vague answers will just be the bs I'm expecting, so I won't be let down by it.

 

If you go in with no expectations, it won't matter what she says. However, it's pretty difficult to have no expectations from a person you were in love with for 4 years. Most of us would have some expectations even if we claimed we didn't. If you truly had no expectations, you wouldn't even care to go to the meeting.

 

What if she does give you clear answers? What if she says she doesn't love you and cheated on you? How does knowing that help? I can tell you that it doesn't help one bit because at the end of the day, you still have to go through the entire grieving and detachment process. You will realize that the reason, or what you think is the reason, doesn't matter. I still can't tell you the reason my ex left, and I'm doing just fine. I stopped rehashing WHY a long time ago.

 

Even if she does give you clear, honest answers, you can always come up with something to counter it. You will think, but a year ago, you said something different. Then, it becomes this entire line of questioning of how can feelings change, did you lie to me, did you mislead me? The questions never end if you keep thinking about it, and you end up more confused because there are no answers. You will remember something they said at the beginning of the relationship that contradicts what they are now saying, and it begins again.

 

It's normal to question all of this to a certain point because it's your brain's way of trying to make sense of it all. In a way, it's a process you have to go through, but meeting her in no way helps.

[johnson_j]

I too, had to have a closure meeting last month. What happened was this:

-She lied directly to my face

-Everything was my fault

-She was OK with never seeing me/communicating again

 

 

In short, I felt WORSE after the meeting than I did before it. Because before it I had doubts but pride/strength. Afterwards, I had neither. Just confirmation that the whole thing was a sham and that I had made a series of bad choices when I could have walked away cleanly a # of months ago.

 

 

Hope yours goes better but I have doubts like the rest of them.

[Michael 93]

Whats the update?

 

 

Been following this thread from a while ago?

[1630chicago]

Trains coming, but sadly, I can't get out of the way, despite everyone's honest attempts to save me from myself (which I appreciate). I've dealt with adversity before, I'm smart (though my choice here may call that into question) and I'm in control of my emotions at this point, so I think I can handle whatever is in store, and then I can walk away with no regrets. I've got drinks with a friend and then a birthday party setup for immediately afterwards so I'll be able to decompress and then keep busy.

 

Will update after our meeting tomorrow, so save the "I told you so's" until then. For now, going out to enjoy this beautiful Chicago day.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Trains coming, but sadly, I can't get out of the way, despite everyone's honest attempts to save me from myself (which I appreciate). I've dealt with adversity before, I'm smart (though my choice here may call that into question) and I'm in control of my emotions at this point, so I think I can handle whatever is in store, and then I can walk away with no regrets. I've got drinks with a friend and then a birthday party setup for immediately afterwards so I'll be able to decompress and then keep busy.

 

Will update after our meeting tomorrow, so save the "I told you so's" until then. For now, going out to enjoy this beautiful Chicago day.

 

Great decision. Nothing makes you look more like a chump than a meet up with an ex.

 

No expectations my a**. If you didnt, you wouldn't be going.

 

Im sure you will say "hey met up with her things went good. Things were civil yada yada." That only starts the motors in your head again. Not a good path. Closure comes from within, so whatever you're seeking from this meeting will be crap.

 

Bad idea, but like most here, you're going to do what you're going to do.

Edited June 14, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[BC1980]

Trains coming, but sadly, I can't get out of the way, despite everyone's honest attempts to save me from myself (which I appreciate). I've dealt with adversity before, I'm smart (though my choice here may call that into question) and I'm in control of my emotions at this point, so I think I can handle whatever is in store, and then I can walk away with no regrets. I've got drinks with a friend and then a birthday party setup for immediately afterwards so I'll be able to decompress and then keep busy.

 

Will update after our meeting tomorrow, so save the "I told you so's" until then. For now, going out to enjoy this beautiful Chicago day.

 

I get why you are going because I did the same thing. I would not listen to reason from anyone, and I was determined to do what I wanted to do. It's almost like I had to make the mistake to truly understand what a big mistake it was. I still don't advocate meeting her, but good luck in any case. You probably won't feel bad right away, but you will see, months down the line, that it was a bad idea.

[Simon Phoenix]

Trains coming, but sadly, I can't get out of the way, despite everyone's honest attempts to save me from myself (which I appreciate). I've dealt with adversity before, I'm smart (though my choice here may call that into question) and I'm in control of my emotions at this point, so I think I can handle whatever is in store, and then I can walk away with no regrets. I've got drinks with a friend and then a birthday party setup for immediately afterwards so I'll be able to decompress and then keep busy.

 

Will update after our meeting tomorrow, so save the "I told you so's" until then. For now, going out to enjoy this beautiful Chicago day.

 

Maybe you are smart in other aspects, but this is one of the dumbest decisions you can make. Hope I'm wrong, but you are basically walking into a shooting range without any weapons or protection. That's pretty dumb. Hope you are like Neo in the Matrix.

[1630chicago]

Appreciate the honest commentary as always. I never doubted you guys were right in your assessment, but again, this was something I had to do for myself.

 

So…we met today, meeting lasted about 4 hours. We met at Starbucks and she almost immediately started crying when I walked in, though she got herself together. We decided to go for a walk and caught up on each other’s lives over the past month. She was much more the person I remembered from the last 4 years, rather than the person during the break-up, which was welcome (I guess), since I half-expected someone cold and disconnected. We eventually sat by one of Chicago’s harbors and talked about things. As I’ve mentioned before, she isn’t the best at sharing her feelings, so it mostly ended up being me asking questions and her responding. With regards to the questions:

 

1) When did you start having doubts and what caused things to change?

She said it came on gradually over the last 6 months, and that she really didn’t know what caused it. There was nothing she could point to, or at least was willing to share with me. At first, she thought it was just something that would go away or that she could fix, and so she kept it to herself. By the end of the relationship, she realized that no matter what we did to work on things, it was going to get to a point where she needed space, and that’s when she broke things off. When I mentioned things that I thought could have been a trigger, she said that they may have added on, but they weren’t the catalyst. She wouldn’t admit that she was no longer attracted to me or no longer had feelings for me, but whatever, you can’t force someone to say something.

 

2) Are you happier this way? How do you feel after some time apart? Is this fixable?

She said she mostly felt confused, not happy or sad. Just that she needed the space, and still does, since one month isn’t a huge amount of time. It isn’t fixable right now, and we obviously can’t know about the future. She said she wished she could just say “no, no hope, its over,” since she felt like that would be more fair to me, but she couldn’t go that far.

 

3) Did you ever cheat on me? Was there someone else at the end of the relationship? Is there someone else now?

I’m sure it will shock you to know that she swore that there was no one else. She said she has been focused on “me” time, doing things with friends, starting to train for a marathon, hasn’t contemplated dating or anything like that. She showed me her phone pictures, offered to let me look at her text messages and let me into her apartment (more on that in a bit), so it at least made it seem somewhat more sincere. She talked about how she has been bringing leftovers into work for co-workers since there isn't anyone to eat all the extra food anymore when she cooks, etc. Since she is more timid and shy, and she was always a very honest person, I wanted to believe her. But the truth is, who knows.

 

I won’t debate the merits of any of her responses. I took them all with a healthy dose of cynicism and skepticism. I think one of the things the meeting helped me realize is that, as everyone here has said already, closure really can only come from within. Even the answers she gave me I couldn’t fully trust at this point, and therefore, it didn’t matter what they actually were.

 

One thing I did learn is that I was the one who actually (accidentally) de-friended her on facebook, and not the other way around, as I had originally thought (I had blocked her for a few hours after the break-up and didn’t realize that automatically de-friended the person). She also said that she privatized her photo albums, which is why pictures of us no longer show up. Finally, she said that she hadn’t contacted me since the break-up because she felt the ball was in my court to reach out if and when I was ready. If that is true, it is ridiculous, obviously, since she was the one who said she needed space, but she did respond almost immediately when I finally reached out, so who knows.

 

 

After she answered my questions, I shared the things I felt I could have done better and apologized for those. We talked for a while more, about the relationship and just about things in general, had some laughs, etc. Eventually, we walked back to her apartment. I needed to use the bathroom, so we stopped up at her new place. We ended up hugging and cuddling a bit and kissed a few times. We also said that we both still love each other. I know I shouldn’t have done any of this, but it is hard to resist when you still care about someone, especially when you know this might be the last time you see them, and especially after you have had a fairly good meeting with them up to that point. In fairness, she did pull away at times, so she wasn’t trying to lead me on or give me false hope. I think it was just comforting for both of us, and felt more normal than the current state of affairs.

 

I’ll spare the rest of the details, but ultimately, she said that she would like to see me again before I move away. I said that I would like to try to start over and go on a fun date where we weren’t discussing the old relationship. I left the ball in her court to contact me if she wanted to get together before I leave, I don’t expect I’ll hear from her, and if I do, I wouldn’t be interested unless it was an actual date and a chance to start fresh. I’m not holding my breath though and am fully focused on moving on.

 

Was this the smartest way to handle things if I really wanted to make her miss me or increase my chances of getting back together with her? No. Was this the smartest way to handle things for my own healing? No. But frankly, I have plenty of time to heal, and if at some point she decides she wants to get back together, I don’t think my actions in this meeting alone will make the difference, otherwise it wouldn’t be a relationship worth pursuing anyway.

 

Bottom line, I loved this person with all of my heart, spent every waking moment with them for over 4 years, grew into the person I am and explored a lot of what life and the world has to offer with them, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with them. I wanted to see them again after emotions had cooled and we had both had some space, and I did. Will it set me back? Time will tell. Right now I feel okay. But it was good to see her, I’m glad I did it, and I can move on now with no regrets. I had a chance to say my piece, show her that I was doing okay and have a civil and less emotionally charged final meeting.

 

Feel free to pick apart my commentary to show me why I’m not over her and why this was a bad idea. I’m not over her, so I’ll spare the effort of proving that, but I don’t regret the decision to meet. I don’t have to wonder “what if” anymore on a number of fronts, and that is a huge step for me in moving forward.

 

Thanks again to everyone for the help and support throughout all of this. I’ll keep you posted as I continue my recovery and path forward.

[johnson_j]

Well look at the bright side, it could have gone much worse.

 

 

Sounds like you're being very reasonable about it - but where you screwed up is asking her on a fun date. She ended it, so she needs to be the one to ask you out. If I were you, I'd ghost on her and just be NC and focus on yourself. She will either come around or she won't.

 

 

BTW, I was laying in bed with my (ex) gf and she received a text message from her so-called friend (her ex) and we were kissing at the time. So don't read anything into her showing you affection, because she's obviously very confused and I still bet there is someone else.

[BC1980]

My ex was equally vague when I asked him similar questions. It's like there is a play book we are all supposed to go by. I'm glad you feel okay now, but I will be honest with you. Once you really start the grieving process, you will go through a lot of crazy emotions. Right now, you are still high off of some denial, which is okay because it's too hard to cope with the reality at first. I can see it in your post. You are keeping the proverbial door open just a tiny bit, but you will have to slam it shut at some point.

 

Once I shut the door, the really heavy duty phases of grief kicked in, and it was hell for awhile. It will get rough when the reality sets in. If sucks, but you'll be stronger in the end.

[johnson_j]

My ex was equally vague when I asked him similar questions. It's like there is a play book we are all supposed to go by. I'm glad you feel okay now, but I will be honest with you. Once you really start the grieving process, you will go through a lot of crazy emotions. Right now, you are still high off of some denial, which is okay because it's too hard to cope with the reality at first. I can see it in your post. You are keeping the proverbial door open just a tiny bit, but you will have to slam it shut at some point.

 

Once I shut the door, the really heavy duty phases of grief kicked in, and it was hell for awhile. It will get rough when the reality sets in. If sucks, but you'll be stronger in the end.

 

 

 

The only obligation an ex has is to their own legacy - no rational person is going to say "i'm a cheater and I blew it with a good person". They always make it some tertiary problem, or related directly to the dumpee. But you know this I'm sure. And very accurate the pain is coming. Be prepared sir.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Appreciate the honest commentary as always. I never doubted you guys were right in your assessment, but again, this was something I had to do for myself.

 

So…we met today, meeting lasted about 4 hours. We met at Starbucks and she almost immediately started crying when I walked in, though she got herself together. We decided to go for a walk and caught up on each other’s lives over the past month. She was much more the person I remembered from the last 4 years, rather than the person during the break-up, which was welcome (I guess), since I half-expected someone cold and disconnected. We eventually sat by one of Chicago’s harbors and talked about things. As I’ve mentioned before, she isn’t the best at sharing her feelings, so it mostly ended up being me asking questions and her responding. With regards to the questions:

 

1) When did you start having doubts and what caused things to change?

She said it came on gradually over the last 6 months, and that she really didn’t know what caused it. There was nothing she could point to, or at least was willing to share with me. At first, she thought it was just something that would go away or that she could fix, and so she kept it to herself. By the end of the relationship, she realized that no matter what we did to work on things, it was going to get to a point where she needed space, and that’s when she broke things off. When I mentioned things that I thought could have been a trigger, she said that they may have added on, but they weren’t the catalyst. She wouldn’t admit that she was no longer attracted to me or no longer had feelings for me, but whatever, you can’t force someone to say something.

 

2) Are you happier this way? How do you feel after some time apart? Is this fixable?

She said she mostly felt confused, not happy or sad. Just that she needed the space, and still does, since one month isn’t a huge amount of time. It isn’t fixable right now, and we obviously can’t know about the future. She said she wished she could just say “no, no hope, its over,” since she felt like that would be more fair to me, but she couldn’t go that far.

 

3) Did you ever cheat on me? Was there someone else at the end of the relationship? Is there someone else now?

I’m sure it will shock you to know that she swore that there was no one else. She said she has been focused on “me” time, doing things with friends, starting to train for a marathon, hasn’t contemplated dating or anything like that. She showed me her phone pictures, offered to let me look at her text messages and let me into her apartment (more on that in a bit), so it at least made it seem somewhat more sincere. She talked about how she has been bringing leftovers into work for co-workers since there isn't anyone to eat all the extra food anymore when she cooks, etc. Since she is more timid and shy, and she was always a very honest person, I wanted to believe her. But the truth is, who knows.

 

I won’t debate the merits of any of her responses. I took them all with a healthy dose of cynicism and skepticism. I think one of the things the meeting helped me realize is that, as everyone here has said already, closure really can only come from within. Even the answers she gave me I couldn’t fully trust at this point, and therefore, it didn’t matter what they actually were.

 

One thing I did learn is that I was the one who actually (accidentally) de-friended her on facebook, and not the other way around, as I had originally thought (I had blocked her for a few hours after the break-up and didn’t realize that automatically de-friended the person). She also said that she privatized her photo albums, which is why pictures of us no longer show up. Finally, she said that she hadn’t contacted me since the break-up because she felt the ball was in my court to reach out if and when I was ready. If that is true, it is ridiculous, obviously, since she was the one who said she needed space, but she did respond almost immediately when I finally reached out, so who knows.

 

 

After she answered my questions, I shared the things I felt I could have done better and apologized for those. We talked for a while more, about the relationship and just about things in general, had some laughs, etc. Eventually, we walked back to her apartment. I needed to use the bathroom, so we stopped up at her new place. We ended up hugging and cuddling a bit and kissed a few times. We also said that we both still love each other. I know I shouldn’t have done any of this, but it is hard to resist when you still care about someone, especially when you know this might be the last time you see them, and especially after you have had a fairly good meeting with them up to that point. In fairness, she did pull away at times, so she wasn’t trying to lead me on or give me false hope. I think it was just comforting for both of us, and felt more normal than the current state of affairs.

 

I’ll spare the rest of the details, but ultimately, she said that she would like to see me again before I move away. I said that I would like to try to start over and go on a fun date where we weren’t discussing the old relationship. I left the ball in her court to contact me if she wanted to get together before I leave, I don’t expect I’ll hear from her, and if I do, I wouldn’t be interested unless it was an actual date and a chance to start fresh. I’m not holding my breath though and am fully focused on moving on.

 

Was this the smartest way to handle things if I really wanted to make her miss me or increase my chances of getting back together with her? No. Was this the smartest way to handle things for my own healing? No. But frankly, I have plenty of time to heal, and if at some point she decides she wants to get back together, I don’t think my actions in this meeting alone will make the difference, otherwise it wouldn’t be a relationship worth pursuing anyway.

 

Bottom line, I loved this person with all of my heart, spent every waking moment with them for over 4 years, grew into the person I am and explored a lot of what life and the world has to offer with them, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with them. I wanted to see them again after emotions had cooled and we had both had some space, and I did. Will it set me back? Time will tell. Right now I feel okay. But it was good to see her, I’m glad I did it, and I can move on now with no regrets. I had a chance to say my piece, show her that I was doing okay and have a civil and less emotionally charged final meeting.

 

Feel free to pick apart my commentary to show me why I’m not over her and why this was a bad idea. I’m not over her, so I’ll spare the effort of proving that, but I don’t regret the decision to meet. I don’t have to wonder “what if” anymore on a number of fronts, and that is a huge step for me in moving forward.

 

Thanks again to everyone for the help and support throughout all of this. I’ll keep you posted as I continue my recovery and path forward.

 

You did exactly as I said you would. The kissing part made me cringe. You will feel fine now...but I can imagine it will start eating at you. You'll have more questions, you'll analyze every moment ( as you have) and making it worse, and you'll answer every breadcrumb until it gets too much.

 

Glad you feel cool about the meeting. I doubt it stays that way

[1630chicago]

Yeah, you guys are probably right, as you have been all along. In the first few weeks post-BU, I went through pretty heavy denial and grief, then about a week or so of anger, but I know there is more of all of it coming once I fully shut the door (which, this meeting aside, is something I have been trying to do, but seems easier said than done). My goal for the first month post-BU was to get used to living without her, not necessarily to move on completely, because I didn't feel that would be realistic after only one month. Part of why I wanted to meet yesterday is because I didn't want a nagging desire to meet to catch up with me once I was further down the line in my recovery. Now that I've satisfied that itch, I do want to focus on moving forward and moving on.

 

I honestly don't read anything into her words or actions yesterday, what she has done and the path she has chosen speaks for itself. I know it was a mistake to bring up the date and to kiss her, I got caught up in the moment and just felt like since I'm moving anyway there was little to lose at this point. No regrets, as it were, but a mistake nonetheless. A difficult situation that I never expected myself to handle perfectly, but overall I was happy with how I held myself together through it.

 

As I said, one of the positives that came from the meeting is that I realized I couldn't trust her at this point anyway, so there is no use in worrying about any nagging questions, because there is no one that could give me satisfying answers anyway. I need to focus on finding the answers and closure I seek inside myself, which I had heard from others but didn't fully understand until yesterday.

 

So the question is..how do you fully close the door so that you can completely move on? Even though I've been trying to do that, the mind seems to work at its own pace, and the love I have for her and the person she was through most of our 4 years together still tends to overshadow the anger and resentment. Obviously, no contact, staying busy and getting out with other people helps, but are there any other tricks that people have used successfully to help move on?

[Chi townD]

Well, I'm glad that the meet up wasn't a total blamefest. And I'm glad you went there with your eyes open and came to realize that you find closure within yourself.

 

 

But, I agree with the others. You might feel okay right now. But, that's because you're still on a little high from seeing her. Give it a few days and there might be a flood of emotions coming your way. Think of your Ex as a drug and you're a junkie. You just saw your Ex and you got your "fix". So, there's a feeling of contentment. But, when that drug wears off, those bad feelings are going to return. So, be mindful of that.

[Michael 93]

Oh man.. Reading that made me re-live so many of my experiences.

 

 

I really sympathize with you. I am not going to post here and say "DAMN YOU SHOULD NOT OF GONE" because believe me I've made all of these mistakes and more... and I know why you went, I would of done the same.

 

 

But I do mean this when I say your character is about to get seriously tested... Your going to want to talk to her and follow up this contact believe me, Hell I will be surprised if you haven't already tried to contact her since the meet. Don't worry I've done that too.

 

 

OP I feel for you I know how bad this could get from here. Please keep posting your emotions are about to skyrocket

[BC1980]

So the question is..how do you fully close the door so that you can completely move on? Even though I've been trying to do that, the mind seems to work at its own pace, and the love I have for her and the person she was through most of our 4 years together still tends to overshadow the anger and resentment. Obviously, no contact, staying busy and getting out with other people helps, but are there any other tricks that people have used successfully to help move on?

 

Completely shutting the door takes months. It's something that you have to work on everyday. It's not like, one day you just decide to shut the door, and it happens. It's more that by forming a new life for yourself, you gradually shut the door. Some days, you will get fed up and think you are over it. The next day, you will be hoping she will call you to get back together. Overall, as the months pass and you stay NC, the net result is that you will realize it's over for good.

 

To move on, I would recommend building a new life for yourself, day by day. Again, this all takes months. After 4 years together, I can imagine this is going to be difficult, and that's okay. It's been a little over a year for me, after 3 years with my ex, and I've just now found my footing in the new life I created for myself. I'm just now starting to feel comfortable as a single person. I would recommend getting some books on grief because it's the same basic process of losing a loved one.

 

I remember the immediate months following the breakup as being much easier than the later ones. I was still in this fog of denial, thinking he would suddenly comes to his senses and beg for me back. Denial is good in that respect because it protected me from the harsh reality for awhile. It would have been too much take in at once. It got pretty bad for about 3 months after I started NC.

 

Above all, it is absolutely essential that you erase her from your life. Right now, your main objective is to emotionally detach from her in all ways possible. It sounds terribly harsh, but it must be done.