Anxiety of Being alone

[SadNLonley]

I had a revelation this week!!!! I think it finally hit me that the reason I am having such a difficult time with my break up of 10 months ago is the fear of being alone.

 

I went from my parents house to my husbands. When we split, I found my bf. During a couple little breaks we had, I had another man that was just waiting for it to happen. After my breakup i didnt really believe that it was over. We had gotten back together in the past, same thing would happen this time.

 

It wasnt until he told me he couldnt go back to our old relationship that I hit that horrible depression and have had trouble coming out of it.

 

I finally finally realized that this is the very first time that I have not had a partner, admirer in the waiting, etc to be with me. I am completely single and dont know how to handle that. I think that may be the reason I tried to get my ex back twice since our breakup. I do love him still, but that question is there if I tried to get him back because of love or fear.

 

Knowing there is no man there for me freaks me out, gives me anxiety, and the fear is almost overwhelming.

 

I am a responsible parent, have a job, have a home, am so grateful for so many things, but the fear of not having that person on my side scares me. I know the fear is completely in my head and I build it up so much more than I should, but its hard to stop. I fear things like losing my job and then losing the house I live in and then not being able to support my kids and then life just unravels. (I have no reason to really fear these things). Knowing I have a partner relief that stress a little bit because I know there is a backup.

 

One other problem is that although Im trying to get back out there in the dating world, it actually scares me to date. So messed up.

 

Anyway, Im wondering how to get past that fear and anxiety? Have you ever felt this way? How did you do it?

[54321]

That's an interesting discovery. Does it make you feel better about being alone to realize that? Sometimes when you recognize what is scaring you, you can see that it's less scary. You can still have a support network of friends and family even if you're not in a relationship with someone, or you can try to build one. Are you afraid of dating or just not ready for it and pressuring yourself into it? It's okay to wait. It might be better to get comfortable with what you're actually capable of on your own before jumping into a new relationship out of fear. I think confidence and self-assurance tend to be attractive traits to other people anyway, except when it intimidates the hell out of them. But who wants someone who's easily frightened?

 

I NEED to be alone a lot. I was an only child until I was 9 and my family is made up of introverts. My sister is even more introverted than I am.

 

But technically, I've been in a relationship too the entire time I've lived without my parents until now. It's just been two long long distance relationships after that. Oddly, the only relationship I had that wasn't long distance was when I still lived at home with my parents. I was over 20 when I got into my first relationship and sometimes I've missed being alone, oddly. I was independent, even though I lived with my parents, and didn't want anyone to have a claim on me or my time until I felt more sure of myself and who I was.

 

It's also an odd feeling now that I'm not in a relationship. I almost feel like there was something unhealthy about my going almost 10 years in relationships without a break. To be a real adult I feel like you have to get comfortable with yourself and what you're capable of on top of actually learning how to do it. Doing things and knowing you can do them alone are two different things. Not that that has to go on forever, but once you know you can, you've always got that, probably. So I don't feel like I'm scared, but I also almost wonder if I should hold back from getting in any relationship for awhile, in case fear is motivating me without me realizing it.

[forbidden_love]

I have been in an intense 6 year relationship with a mm who did not know what he wanted. Now i face being alone for the rest of my life. He faces a marriage of resentment and boredom. I know i would prefer to be alone.

[SadNLonley]

That's an interesting discovery. Does it make you feel better about being alone to realize that?

 

It has made me realize that fear is completely my choice. I have chosen to put it in my head and make is so much worse.

 

It also made me realize that I've been on my own for 10 months now and doing just fine. I get out with friends, family, dont mind some of the time I am home alone. Some of it I actually like.

 

Problem is when I start thinking of my ex and how he is no longer there to back me up and be my support I start to feel anxiety. Then the whole worried thoughts start up of "im never going to find someone" "im always going to be alone".

 

I do think in the past few day my thoughts have simmered a bit on him which is great. I just need to stay on this path, but no guarantees. Its amazing how quickly the anxiety and panic kicks in when I think about him.

 

The other funny thing is.... Ive always been such a strong woman and knew I could take care of myself. Now that I have no choice, Im not coping so well.

Edited May 16, 2014 by SadNLonley

[still_an_Angel]

I'm a solo parent like you. Although I'm with someone, I know the relationship is not going beyond what it is now because he is commited to someone else (sigh) so I do face a future of not having someone there for me. I've thought about this a lot, still trying to figure out what I want to do and go from there. I have learned though, that I was born alone therefore, there are no guarantees that there is always someone in my life to hold my hand and be with me. I have learned not to place my personal happiness on other people (a husband or bf) because even relationships that were meant to be "till death do us part" doesn't last till my final breath. My children rule my life now because they are young and need me, but they will grow up and have their own lives and again, I will be alone with no partner. I guess you have to find this inner strength within you that you will be okay with or without a partner, that you will be happy with yourself because you are comfortable just by yourself. You can do this SadnLonely, I wish you all the best.

[forbidden_love]

It has made me realize that fear is completely my choice. I have chosen to put it in my head and make is so much worse.

 

It also made me realize that I've been on my own for 10 months now and doing just fine. I get out with friends, family, dont mind some of the time I am home alone. Some of it I actually like.

 

Problem is when I start thinking of my ex and how he is no longer there to back me up and be my support I start to feel anxiety. Then the whole worried thoughts start up of "im never going to find someone" "im always going to be alone".

 

I do think in the past few day my thoughts have simmered a bit on him which is great. I just need to stay on this path, but no guarantees. Its amazing how quickly the anxiety and panic kicks in when I think about him.

 

The other funny thing is.... Ive always been such a strong woman and knew I could take care of myself. Now that I have no choice, Im not coping so well.

 

I have often thought that, then I have thought how awful it would be to stay with someone who loved someone else just because you did not want to be alone. And also my ex, I was actually alone most of my marriage.