Leave or Stay? 14 year marriage is hurting my health.

[richard6]

Hi, I've been married 14 years. 4 kids (2yr - 12yr) First 7 years were great, then the last 7 has gradually been going downhill.

 

3 or 4 years ago I found out my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. The last 3 years she has found cutting herself soothes her pain. She tried to commit suicide after I spotted her kissing another man (she says it was only 1 kiss). She has spent about 5 days in the Psych ward of the hospital 3 or 4 times. I sent her to a facility for about a month to get some help. She no longer cuts or talks about suicide. (at least for the last year)

 

She is mean to our kids, she gets too physical in my opinion, but she wont listen to me.

 

We've been to therapy many times both individually and together.

 

The last 2 years she has been extremely lazy. She doesn't get up in the morning to send the kids to school (they get up and ready themselves). I work too early in the morning to help. I work 10 hour days. She sleeps and watches tv. Many times, our 2 year old sneaks out of the house and is found across the street, or even another block. Or she just roams the house while her mother is sleeping in bed. I used to do all the laundry and cleaning to help her out, and also called house cleaners, but then I thought I was enabling her, so I cut it off this last year. I wanted to see what she did. It just got worse. She never cleans, never cooks, sends me to take care of lunch on my 30 minute lunch break (I have to buy lunch for her and the kids for school on my break). So I buy lunch and dinner every day, as she never cooks any more. This is very expensive, as we are a family of 6. I've asked her to clean up, asked her to do laundry, asked her to get up earlier, etc. (many times!) She doesn't do a thing. Lately she has been calling the cleaners herself to come clean the house. I heard from some of them that they refuse to come over because she just lays in bed and the house is too messy for them to clean.

 

Anyway, about 3 years ago I started developing ulcers in my stomach. Pain every single day since. It gets worse when I talk to her, or when I get home from work and see the house a mess. I've had a few surgeries to find out where other pain in my stomach is coming from. My health has been declining and not getting better.

 

So, I was thinking of getting her an apartment, moving her out, and have her get a job to pay for her apartment so she learns a good work ethic. (she's never had to work for a living). I want her out so I can take care of the kids, as I am afraid she wont take care of them if I move out. My family and her's both support whatever decision I make because they have had it with her.

 

So I am asking if a separation is going to be good for us? I want to see if being without her helps my chronic stomach pain. Or is there another way?

 

Any other ideas?

Thanks!

 

Oh, I forgot to mention that she is almost sick everyday. Either a headache or nausea, many more. Not sure if she is making these things up or not, but she sort of blames it on that. I'm almost constantly in pain, and go to work anyway. just fyi

Edited May 16, 2014 by richard6

[TheBladeRunner]

Wow, she sounds like she has some serious issues. Just that fact she is nasty to the kids would be enough for me to take my child and leave.

 

I don't doubt that you're having physical issues. Although my situation (wife cheated) may be different than yours, all that bad stuff made me sick as well. Nausea and a lot of headaches, this got much better the longer I was away from my XW. Take care of your kids and take care of YOU OP, your kids sound like they really need you now.

[GorillaTheater]

So I am asking if a separation is going to be good for us? I want to see if being without her helps my chronic stomach pain. Or is there another way?

 

Any other ideas?

 

Well, you're describing an amazingly unpleasant situation, and if your wife has any redeeming features at all, you haven't mentioned them. This looks like a veritable black hole of suckiness. For you and maybe especially for the kids.

 

So I have to ask why divorce isn't on the table. Seems to me that it should be.

[richard6]

Thanks, when she gets physical with the kids, its usually a pinch, spank, teasing them, making them eat a little liquid soap, etc., nothing that leaves marks on their skin or lasts longer than 30 minutes (a little redness).

 

She causes me stress which makes me anxious which produces more stomach acid, and in turn makes the ulcers worse (anyway thats what my dr said). I've had a few surgeries, but nothing has worked so far.

[richard6]

Well, you're describing an amazingly unpleasant situation, and if your wife has any redeeming features at all, you haven't mentioned them. This looks like a veritable black hole of suckiness. For you and maybe especially for the kids.

 

So I have to ask why divorce isn't on the table. Seems to me that it should be.

 

Thanks GorillaTheater, it seems the only time she is nice to me, or wants to be intimate is when she get's her prescription pain meds, (which makes her happy for the few days she has them a month).

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks GorillaTheater, it seems the only time she is nice to me, or wants to be intimate is when she get's her prescription pain meds, (which makes her happy for the few days she has them a month).

 

I'm curious. What's the source of the pain? What's the underlying medical condition? You seem to be saying that she takes then irregularly, and if so why is that?

 

I don't know that this has anything to do with your situation, but it might.

[richard6]

I'm curious. What's the source of the pain? What's the underlying medical condition? You seem to be saying that she takes then irregularly, and if so why is that?

 

I don't know that this has anything to do with your situation, but it might.

 

She takes them for her migraine headaches, which are irregular, and only gets once a month for a few days. However she gets two scripts of pills that should last her for every day of the month, but she ends up taking them all within 2 to 3 days (at least 50 pills) after she gets the script (headache or not).

[amaysngrace]

Your 2 year old should NOT be roaming around. A sicko will prey on them

[GorillaTheater]

She takes them for her migraine headaches, which are irregular, and only gets once a month for a few days. However she gets two scripts of pills that should last her for every day of the month, but she ends up taking them all within 2 to 3 days (at least 50 pills) after she gets the script (headache or not).

 

Jesus. Not only is she mean, abusive, a derelict mom, crazy and lazy, she's also a junkie?

 

I'd bail. Screw a mere "separation".

[TheBladeRunner]

She takes them for her migraine headaches, which are irregular, and only gets once a month for a few days. However she gets two scripts of pills that should last her for every day of the month, but she ends up taking them all within 2 to 3 days (at least 50 pills) after she gets the script (headache or not).

 

Get your kids far away from your W, she may be a junky.

[richard6]

Your 2 year old should NOT be roaming around. A sicko will prey on them

 

I agree with that! Or get run over, as she dart's into the road no matter how many times we tell her to look for cars.

[amaysngrace]

I agree with that! Or get run over, as she dart's into the road no matter how many times we tell her to look for cars.

 

It's really not a matter of your health as unfortunate that it is that yours is deteriorating. It's a matter of your children's well-being.

 

She's unfit to raise them due to mental illness and what sounds like depression.

 

You as their parent need to do whatever is within your power to do to keep them safe and let them know they are loved.

 

Right now your role as father trumps your role as husband. Do right by your children.

[richard6]

Jesus. Not only is she mean, abusive, a derelict mom, crazy and lazy, she's also a junkie?

 

I'd bail. Screw a mere "separation".

 

How do I do that when I still love her? It's so hard to think about that. Part of me wants the separation first so if the divorce happens, it will not hurt as bad.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If everything you're telling us about your wife is true, this is an insanely toxic situation for everyone involved but especially for the children. It is VERY possible to experience physical symptoms related to stress and worry. NO doubt about it.

 

You should also be mindful of the same or similar symptoms in your children - please don't forget them and what they are having to deal with. Children can be brilliant at hiding their fears, stress and sadness. Don't let them slip through the cracks as you try to rebuild your life without your wife.

 

I love your strategy in setting your wife up in her own apartment while you keep the home and the kids. I hope it all works out without any major obstacles or issues.

 

Remain steadfast in your resolve and be forever mindful of the your family and what you need to move forward happy and healthy.

 

Good luck to you all.

[richard6]

How do I do that when I still love her? It's so hard to think about that. Part of me wants the separation first so if the divorce happens, it will not hurt as bad.

 

Plus I'm really shy and am scarred to death of being single again. I'm so afraid of not finding another spouse! Between work, shyness, and having 4 kids, I'm scarred. That shouldn't come before my families well being though.

Edited May 16, 2014 by richard6

[amaysngrace]

Plus I'm really shy and am scarred to death of being single again. I'm so afraid of not finding another spouse! Between work, shyness, and having 4 kids, I'm scarred.

 

If you leave her you will have enough on your plate to keep busy. I'm sorry but that just sounds really selfish that you're concerned with your social life rather than putting your children's lives first.

 

Think of your children please. Someone needs to be a responsible adult for them. Someone needs to put their needs before his or her own.

 

Your wife isn't able to. Are you?

[xUnknown]

You're "Wife" isn't being a wife. This is not a good situation for you to be in, and especially the kids.

 

I'm with everyone else. I think you need to cut her off cold turkey and send her papers. You and your children need this to end. I'm sorry, I really hope this improves for you, but it doesn't look like its going to.

[richard6]

If you leave her you will have enough on your plate to keep busy. I'm sorry but that just sounds really selfish that you're concerned with your social life rather than putting your children's lives first.

 

You are right. I am selfish to think of myself. However there is an innate feeling I feel that I have. I'm not thinking of a social life really, just the next mother who is going to be the right one for me and love my kids. I've never had a social life, so I'm not going to start now; just looking for love again, and one who will fulfill the task of loving my children like their own. I also feel like the children need a positive female figure in their life soonl

 

I appreciate you pointing that out. I do need to think more about the kids. I will do that, thanks!

[amaysngrace]

I know how you feel Richard. I had those same fears as you did before I left my exH. So I joined an online dating site and couldn't believe the guys who were interested in me. I never pursued any of them but it was nice to know they were out there.

 

You have your mom and your MIL to be a positive role model for the children.

 

Right now though your children should be your primary focus. A good father is very attractive. Believe it. The only problem with them is most times they are attached to a good woman. You will have an advantage there.

 

I also know what it's like to be frozen in fear. I was stuck there myself when it was time to go.

 

But I looked at it this way....I knew what it was and it sucked. Maybe the future will suck but so does what I already have and maybe just maybe the future won't suck at all.

 

Turns out....it doesn't.

 

So please don't be afraid of the unknown. It's probably so much better than what you currently know.

[TheBladeRunner]

You are right. I am selfish to think of myself. However there is an innate feeling I feel that I have. I'm not thinking of a social life really, just the next mother who is going to be the right one for me and love my kids. I've never had a social life, so I'm not going to start now; just looking for love again, and one who will fulfill the task of loving my children like their own. I also feel like the children need a positive female figure in their life soonl

 

I appreciate you pointing that out. I do need to think more about the kids. I will do that, thanks!

 

Looking for another mother??????? REALLY???????

 

Richard, if I understand correctly you have been fighting this battle for 7 years. You have a lot to square away with not only yourself, but your kids as well. Who cares if you ever find "another mother", your kids have a dad and that's you. Frankly, moving into a new relationship any time soon will more than likely be a complete disaster for you and your kids. Get yourself in a better place, get your kids in a better place, then think about a new relationship.

 

Even dating too soon after getting out of a marital disaster is a bad idea IMO; I looked for a relationship too soon and it did not bode well for me. JMO

[Babolat]

Anyway, about 3 years ago I started developing ulcers in my stomach. Pain every single day since. It gets worse when I talk to her, or when I get home from work and see the house a mess. I've had a few surgeries to find out where other pain in my stomach is coming from. My health has been declining and not getting better.

Reading your story makes me feel sad, I am sorry to hear this about any relationship, or person for that matter.

 

I can speak to the health issues you bring up. In my marriage I too started having stomach issues. They never figured it out but treated it as ulcers. I also suffered from anxiety.

 

Post divorce, my first real LTR, the symptons retuened along with others. IMHO it's from anxiety. It's your bodies reaction to anxiety. In my case I will start grinding my teeth, especially at night, I have a burpy feeling in my stomach, right behind my sternum, I get muscle spasms and tightness, I'll get headaches, have difficulty sleeping, sometimes difficult speaking, etc.

 

You can treat the symptons, or address the source. I have tried the former, never works unless you are a fan of thorwing meds into your body. I am working on the latter now in my life. Identify how I am feeling, listen to my body, my mind, and figure out what's going on in my life.

 

In your case, it's obvious, your marriage is the source of your anxiety. I can't tell you waht to do, though it does sound like a horrible place to be.

[Babolat]

Plus I'm really shy and am scarred to death of being single again. I'm so afraid of not finding another spouse! Between work, shyness, and having 4 kids, I'm scarred. That shouldn't come before my families well being though.

 

Been there, done that, best 3+ years of my entire life since my seperation and then divorce. It gets a lot better my friend.

 

I was with my ex a total of 14 years, so most of my adult life. My life now is amazing.

[Grumpybutfun]

Your top priority are your children. Being raised in a neglectful, abusive household isn't fun. You are an enabler since she does whatever she wants while willfully neglecting and hurting your children. Be warned, if you do not remove your children and yourself from that toxic environment, you are just as culpable for eroding and mismanaging their childhoods. Your wife abuses her prescription, is verbally and physically abusive, lazy, and unmotivated and you are having to work and do it all so she can wallow.

Call a lawyer today. Nothing about your marriage and home is even remotely redeemable. You must protect your children. A nanny, well investigated and vetted, would be a huge improvement while you are at work. Get custody of your children using whatever means, your lawyer can assist.

Good luck, time to move on, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than deal with someone this destructive and toxic.

Grumps

[richard6]

Thanks amaysngrace, that was an excellent reply, I really appreciate it.

 

TheBladRunner, I have basically been lonely and alone for 7 years. My first priority is my kids, it always has been from the start. I am always going to be there for them, and I plan to keep being there for them forever. That was not my focus of my questions or concerns because I already have a plan for them. Also I don't plan on jumping into relationships right now, I do want to work things out with a counselor. One of my concerns is down the road I'm scared of not having someone. Which is a legitimate concern for someone in their 30's. My main concern right now is what to do with the wifey, which I've gotten some good answers from all of you and I appreciate your input.

 

Looking for another mother??????? REALLY???????

Who cares if you ever find "another mother"

 

I care, I do. That's all the matters. Thanks for your reply and life lessons I do appreciate them

[richard6]

Your top priority are your children. Being raised in a neglectful, abusive household isn't fun. You are an enabler since she does whatever she wants while willfully neglecting and hurting your children. Be warned, if you do not remove your children and yourself from that toxic environment, you are just as culpable for eroding and mismanaging their childhoods. Your wife abuses her prescription, is verbally and physically abusive, lazy, and unmotivated and you are having to work and do it all so she can wallow.

Call a lawyer today. Nothing about your marriage and home is even remotely redeemable. You must protect your children. A nanny, well investigated and vetted, would be a huge improvement while you are at work. Get custody of your children using whatever means, your lawyer can assist.

Good luck, time to move on, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than deal with someone this destructive and toxic.

Grumps

 

Thanks! That is good advise.