Author richard6 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Been there, done that, best 3+ years of my entire life since my seperation and then divorce. It gets a lot better my friend. I was with my ex a total of 14 years, so most of my adult life. My life now is amazing. Thanks, that makes me feel better for the future! Sorry to make you feel sad!
Tayla Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Plus I'm really shy and am scarred to death of being single again. I'm so afraid of not finding another spouse! Between work, shyness, and having 4 kids, I'm scarred. That shouldn't come before my families well being though. Woah- Red flag time here. This is not about your future entirely. Although I will validate that you need to get away from this environment with your children in tow. Stop the desire that you have to have a relationship with a women to be a complete and wholesome fellow. I was a single parent and made all the wrong moves in dating. As to being afraid, its normal, its the unknown for you. Take it slowly and have your kids at heart. And yes soap in the mouth and pinching the children is NOT good parenting skills. its degrading them. Talk with your support system and gather your things, its time to mature a wee bit more in the parenting role. Your husband side hasn't been acknowledged or fullfilling in the least. You are also being held captive under her ill ways. Get a divorce and deal with a future that is far better then what is happening now.
Author richard6 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Woah- Red flag time here. This is not about your future entirely. Thanks for the Red flag, I know this isn't about my future entirely. I'm thinking long term here. Although I will validate that you need to get away from this environment with your children in tow. Stop the desire that you have to have a relationship with a women to be a complete and wholesome fellow. I was a single parent and made all the wrong moves in dating. As to being afraid, its normal, its the unknown for you. Take it slowly and have your kids at heart. And yes soap in the mouth and pinching the children is NOT good parenting skills. its degrading them. Talk with your support system and gather your things, its time to mature a wee bit more in the parenting role. Your husband side hasn't been acknowledged or fullfilling in the least. You are also being held captive under her ill ways. Get a divorce and deal with a future that is far better then what is happening now. Thanks, that does help!
OnwardandUpward Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I just wanted to say that i lived very similar to your wife. Everyday sick, always something wrong with me and i could hardly get off the bed. Turns out i was gluten intolerant and my thyroid had packed it in. Once i got off all gluten my energy levels picked up - my moods changed. My physical pain backed off. I am not saying this is your wifes problems just giving you an avenue to explore before you go to divorce. 2 weeks of gluten saw my whole world change.
Author richard6 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 I just wanted to say that i lived very similar to your wife. Everyday sick, always something wrong with me and i could hardly get off the bed. Turns out i was gluten intolerant and my thyroid had packed it in. Once i got off all gluten my energy levels picked up - my moods changed. My physical pain backed off. I am not saying this is your wifes problems just giving you an avenue to explore before you go to divorce. 2 weeks of gluten saw my whole world change. Thanks, she's to the doctor so many times, tests come back normal. However there are things like what you mentioned that has not been checked. Thanks!
OnwardandUpward Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 i was under a doctor for years - he really needs to be done for negligence. I have cons which he let go out of control and he had all the results showing thyroid had gone and yet he never once told me in 4 years. Meanwhile my marraige went down hill. I was so close to being dead - in the end i could not even pick up a coffee cup. Its a long messed up story but a change of doctors and she found some of my joints had been fused - i got off gluten - 90% of my problems were over - i still have the thyroid and cons problems but gluten was pushing hormones out of control. It is quite normal for people to be intolerant of gluten and have no idea but they go daily being sick with something and mass personality change. It all came to late for me - he ended our marraige. But try and convince your wife to go off gluten - all gluten - 2 weeks and you will see the differance if that is the problem.
Author richard6 Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Thanks! I want to thank those that mentioned the red flag about me me thinking about a future spouse. Sorry if I upset anyone. I've been thinking and is been sinking in, I may be thinking about that too much. Thank you! I wouldn't have known that had you not said anything.
GorillaTheater Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Thanks! I want to thank those that mentioned the red flag about me me thinking about a future spouse. Sorry if I upset anyone. I've been thinking and is been sinking in, I may be thinking about that too much. Thank you! I wouldn't have known that had you not said anything. One thing at a time. Your plate will be full for a while.
pteromom Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 What you need to be doing right now is DOCUMENTING. Those children need to be away from her as much as possible, and the only way you are going to be able to get primary custody is if you can prove she is unfit. You should be documenting what she says to the kids; what she does to them; when she obtains a prescription and when it is gone; any time your children escape and roam free; etc... anything that is neglectful, abusive, or dangerous. And then you need to go see an attorney. One that specializes in father's rights and knows what to say/do to get those kids away from her. You shouldn't even be thinking about future dating or anything like that. Step one is getting your children to safety. Step two will be recreating their lives to be STABLE and SAFE and LOVING. Step three will be doing your own autopsy of your relationship to figure out why you chose a woman like your wife and why you chose to stay with her. Plus, anything you did that added to the situation. This will not be a short process. When you feel stable and resolved, and your children are happy and thriving... only then should you consider dating again. Being alone might suck, but you know what would suck worse? Watching your children grow up to be druggies, alcoholics, and abusers who are incapable of happiness, when you had the power to change their course for them but chose not to out of FEAR for yourself. 1
Author richard6 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 What you need to be doing right now is DOCUMENTING. Those children need to be away from her as much as possible, and the only way you are going to be able to get primary custody is if you can prove she is unfit. I have actually been documenting for a while. I have many text messages in which she has threatened suicide. I have a journal that I write down what she does. However I feel like I have not been doing that enough. I know she has done more things than whats in my journal. I found out my neighbor is keeping a journal as well, as the two of them went from friends to enemies in like 5 days. Ever since I read your post, I've been doing more documenting and filling in the holes, as I didn't think that my documenting is as legally binding as you mentioned. My neighbor's and my documents might correlate. I have also started audio recordings, I'm not sure if i'm allowed to use those, but I caught her saying she wants to die (with kids in the room). The whole weekend she stayed in bed. I caught her disciplining one of our children physically and confronted her about it. I got mad at her. She did it again to the same child a few hours later. Today is our anniversary, and I'm planning on separation later this week (when I can get a babysitter). How do I approach today? She already forgot it was our anniversary (3rd time so far).
GorillaTheater Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Today is our anniversary, and I'm planning on separation later this week (when I can get a babysitter). How do I approach today? She already forgot it was our anniversary (3rd time so far). Make her a card: "Roses are red Violets are blue Our life is a f*cking Greek tragedy So I'm dumping you." 5
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Make her a card: "Roses are red Violets are blue Our life is a f*cking Greek tragedy So I'm dumping you." That's terrible! 1
Babolat Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I have actually been documenting for a while. I have many text messages in which she has threatened suicide. I have a journal that I write down what she does. However I feel like I have not been doing that enough. I know she has done more things than whats in my journal. I found out my neighbor is keeping a journal as well, as the two of them went from friends to enemies in like 5 days. Ever since I read your post, I've been doing more documenting and filling in the holes, as I didn't think that my documenting is as legally binding as you mentioned. My neighbor's and my documents might correlate. I have also started audio recordings, I'm not sure if i'm allowed to use those, but I caught her saying she wants to die (with kids in the room). The whole weekend she stayed in bed. I caught her disciplining one of our children physically and confronted her about it. I got mad at her. She did it again to the same child a few hours later. Today is our anniversary, and I'm planning on separation later this week (when I can get a babysitter). How do I approach today? She already forgot it was our anniversary (3rd time so far). Regarding documenting texts, you can downland a SMS backup app that will send your texts to email. It's saved my butt a few times!
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 richard6, As others have said, you need to do what is best for your children and yourself. Your wife is a mess and a danger. Go to your and her family for additional help. Just don't make the mistake of placing your wife above your children and yourself in this case. I know too many people who continued to place their innocent children in the midst of volatile, dangerous relationships b/c they were too scared, irresponsible or simply selfish. Get them safe! Good luck. 1
M30USA Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Plus I'm really shy and am scarred to death of being single again. I'm so afraid of not finding another spouse! Between work, shyness, and having 4 kids, I'm scarred. That shouldn't come before my families well being though. What we fear will destroy us. You are being destroyed because of this fear.
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 What we fear will destroy us. You are being destroyed because of this fear. Here, here M30USA! So many people stay in relationships TOO long b/c of the fear of the unknown or unfamiliar....a paralyzing fear that is tragic in so many levels. 1
M30USA Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 OP, I was in a similar situation with my ex-wife. We divorced. Unfortunately she got primary with joint custody because her parents stepped in and overtook many of her roles, and because she was "stay at home mom" for 4 years which pretty much set the precedent in the judge's eyes for who was primary caretaker. Good luck to you.
M30USA Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Here, here M30USA! So many people stay in relationships TOO long b/c of the fear of the unknown or unfamiliar....a paralyzing fear that is tragic in so many levels. In my case, I literally had not a single family member or good friend within 2000 miles. Yet I feel healthier and more stable now than during the 5 years of my marriage. 1
M30USA Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 OP, I would just caution you about assuming the judge will give you full or even primary custody. 92% of rulings go in favor of mothers. Unless your wife is a high-level criminal, is homeless, has high-level psych condition (not just BPD), or unless she literally does not WANT custody...she probably will get it. You need to be willing to accept this risk. As long as you know.
amaysngrace Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 OP, I would just caution you about assuming the judge will give you full or even primary custody. 92% of rulings go in favor of mothers. Unless your wife is a high-level criminal, is homeless, has high-level psych condition (not just BPD), or unless she literally does not WANT custody...she probably will get it. You need to be willing to accept this risk. As long as you know. He needs to shatter the perception of her being a fit mother that she will most likely try to portray. Get pictures of her passed out, testimonials from the neighbors of your two-year-old roaming unattended, voice record her if she's in a bad mood and once you do let her know you will destroy her in front of a judge if you cannot get full custody. You aren't the only one who feels fear Richard. Instill some in her if she tries to take the kids from you. Just keep your children and what is best for them in the front of your mind and you will be fine. You already have both of your parents' blessings. They too worry about those children and are looking to you to rescue them. Save them.
Author richard6 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 You all give good advise, I'm so appreciative for it! Today something crazy happened. I came home for lunch, and found my wife OD'd on Percocet and was in bed with crazy color skin. I gave her CPR for about 10 minutes until the ambulance came. Scarred me to death. I just went into another room and balled my eyes out while 10 guys were in my bedroom working on her. She is still in a coma-like state in ICU and has to have a machine breathe for her. My 2 year old daughter was in the other room watching a movie and told me that Mom wouldn't wake up. It's awesome to see what kind friends, neighbors, and family do when they see a family in trouble.
Scorpio Chick Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 This mother is endangering her child. The 2 year old has gotten out of the house "many" times?? Right now, nothing else is more important than getting any of your young children out of harm's way, which means, away from their mother, who is asleep while a 2 year old is up! As you know, you can't take your eyes off a 2 year old when they're not sleeping! It is amazing this child is okay! You HAVE to get that child or any of your other younger children into the hands of a reliable, trustworthy babysitter and you can't wait on that. Then let's deal with the issue of the marriage. But that is the worst thing that is going on right now, is a 2 year old roaming unattended out of a house and a block away. You can't sit by and continue to let her be that neglectful. I hope you've documented that somehow, because when you divorce her, she needs to have supervised visits with her young children.
Yasuandio Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Srry to hear this. But to be expected if you wer aware she was hammering down the script in a short period of time. I'm sure you are not surprised. It is time to let prescribing doctor know her game - and what it hass led to. He needs to know. She could be getting pain relievers elsewhere secretly also. Migraine can be treated with the newer Basel Constrictors like Imitrix or whatever is out now. She is a prescription medication junkie, period. Nnow there is really evidence. I had my own go round with migraine medication, and had to rehab and get off of it. I got it from 3 different doctors eventually in mid-90's. The problem escalated FAST. Once I started misusing the medicine (a narcotic), within six months I had gone from 30 pills a month to 120. The only reason I gave it up was my attorney noticed - and scared me about case. I thought everything was peachy. Apparently not - people started noticing that I acted weird. But I thought I was doing a GREAT job at work and at home. Right. No more pills for her. I'm very sorry. I hope there is no other damage that you are unaware of (overspending, hidden racked credit cards). I hope she comes out of coma. Maybe this is wake up call she needs. God bless you, her, your family. It could be much worse. Try to have gratitude for what you still have. We will all be watching your thread. Yas
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