Wife wants to have open marriage so she can have sex with other men

[Victim husband]

Hello everyone:

Please forgive my mess. my wife and i have been together for 10 years married for 9 years, we have a 9 yo boy and a 5 yo girl. Couple days ago i was trying to take the head phones off her ears because she fell asleep with them on, she has passwords more then the CIA use. but this time it was unlocked, i usually don't even read anything of her phone because we agreed to trust each other. i trusted her completely but then i saw a text notification and the word test, i opened it. she is chatting with some guy Jam about getting tested before they meet to have sex.

 

She was planning a trip to see her best friend in the midwest for couple weeks. she has all my encouragement to do whatever she likes, always been the case. But didn't know she is also planning on stopping by Denver for a night stand with this guy. i lost it right away, didn't wake her up, it was around midnight, i got up, went through her phone but everything was deleted besides a nude picture of her and two 30 some emails. i started reading thru her massages to her friend in the midwest to see if i can get more info on the affair she is planning. Btw, as it will turn out, she never even told her best friend since they were 3 yo.

 

Luckily i logged into her computer and eventually found pictures of the guy naked and a video of him cumming watching her webcam. the pictures and the videos were sent to each other via phones i am assuming. i couldn't sleep looking around for anything else i can find out before i wake her up and face her with it. at some point her phone logged out and i didn't have access.

 

 

About the webcam, my wife hadn't had a job for almost 3 years, it started with sever depression followed by unemployment for about 18 months or so, then nothing after that. one income family of 4 in a very expensive city in California, i supported her with everything i got, at some point she became a sex beast, we get in fights all the time because she said we don't have enough sex. Honestly, in the past 2 years at least i don't remember not having sex every single day. but i wasn't enough no more she wanted it 3 times a day or more but having full time job and two kids makes it so hard to do. but we were still having it every day. oral, anal, toys, she has too many toys and i encourage her to masturbate as much as she wants, i take the kids out so she can have couple hours to do it, but she can't orgasm and she gets very frustrated with me and the kids. every couple months she will express anger towards our life.

 

She wants to be free but there is only so much i can take. we used to watch Webcams on the computer, i even told her if the attention you looking since her self esteem was at the lowest because of her weight and body issues, but her face is so beautiful, it never bother me, she gain weight then she loose it and i was always happy to make love to her any way she wants it. i suggested i can probably be ok with her broadcasting but just don't show your face, just your body, lot of them do that if they are afraid to be recognized. i told her whatever you put out there is not secured, some day your kids might come across it and it will be damaging not to mention if someone we know finds it. so she agreed to do couple sessions. she wasn't happy after the second one because she said her face is her best asset and she wan't to show her face too. after i fought about it i agreed. Remember everything i am doing is not to make her feel suppressed and she will go behind my back and cheat on me again.

 

 

Yes i said again, i didn't mention when my first son was about 4 she cheated on me with some guy for the same reason, she said she was depressed and she wanted extra attention and the guy we good listener and that she can't breath she wants to feel free she wanted a separation for couple months i agreed as long as we don't cheat on each other, she couldn't trust herself and said she doesn't know what might happened when we are separated, i tried everything offered couples therapy and just refused to let her go since she is not sure she cannot cheat. she blew him 3 times during her lunch break in his car or that's what she said, i believed her, she ended it and she promised it would never happen again ever ever no matter what.

 

Now 5 years later she is going thru the same cycle, she can't breath and now she came out and said it to me yesterday that she really wants to **** other people and that's the only way she can stay in this relationship. i m still begging her to reconsider for the sake of her children, she said she loves them but she has to do this before she gets older. i am 41 yo. she is 31

now the ultimatum is either i let her do that and agree to have an open relationship for at least a year or divorce.

 

I am asking her to get help for her sex addiction that she admits to have and move on, i m willing to forgive her again for the sake of my kids just like i did last time. she said she will ask for help but after she tries it for at least a year. she is thinking more then 3 men.

 

I am so sick, i am so sad, i am so lost. she is not the same and i don't know what to do, bend over and take the pain and humility and agree to her terms btw she want's me to do the same thing have partners as well, i told her it's not a sane or healthy way to have a marriage i cannot do that to my kids. Please help

Edited May 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Keenly]

You need to grow a pair, man up and leave her not only for your sake but your kids sake.

 

If you stay, you teach your kids that in a normal marriage one party cheats and walks all overrthe other, whole the second party just accepts it.

 

 

Don't give me that " but I want to stay together for the kids " BS. You can either have a soul and testicles, or you can have a cheating wife. Its up to you .

[pteromom]

What she is asking you is ridiculous. What she's saying is she isn't happy in the marriage but wants to keep the security and knows you'll just go along with it to keep her.

 

She is being quite cruel and manipulative toward you.

 

You should call her bluff and agree to divorce.

 

If she says that isn't what she wants, it is time for an ultimatum of your own - she needs to go to therapy and find out why she needs attention from other men and is unable to be happy in your marriage. If she refuses, move forward with the divorce.

 

I know it hurts to consider letting go, but really, could it hurt more than this?

[GorillaTheater]

now the ultimatum is either i let her do that and agree to have an open relationship for at least a year or divorce.

 

"Okay. I'll contact a lawyer in the morning. I hope we can keep this as civil as possible."

 

I'm sorry, brother, but you need to value yourself enough not to tolerate this vile crap for another moment.

[TheBladeRunner]

You need to grow a pair, man up and leave her not only for your sake but your kids sake.

 

If you stay, you teach your kids that in a normal marriage one party cheats and walks all overrthe other, whole the second party just accepts it.

 

 

Don't give me that " but I want to stay together for the kids " BS. You can either have a soul and testicles, or you can have a cheating wife. Its up to you .

 

Nice post Keen, nice. I refused to take back my WW first and foremost that I didn't want my daughter to view me as a doormat and a pu##y. Run from this tramp as fast as you can OP.....RUUUUUUN!

[stillafool]

What are you going to do?

[Victim husband]

thanks Keenly, that's exactly what i am thinking to do. i ll give her an ultimatum couple counseling and therapy for her addiction or divorce, but i want to have my kids full time i don't wana see my kids only 4 days a week

i told her if it was me deciding to go with this then i ll be giving up my rights to have the kids. but the laws are so complicated and good men end up losing everything because of it

[Victim husband]

thank you so so so much pteromom

i will stand my grounds

i want to be happy and keep my head up. i feel so down and small right now

[pteromom]

i want to have my kids full time i don't wana see my kids only 4 days a week

i told her if it was me deciding to go with this then i ll be giving up my rights to have the kids. but the laws are so complicated and good men end up losing everything because of it

 

See an ATTORNEY!!!

 

If you are both capable of being cordial and keeping the children's best interests first, it is possible to both see your children nearly every day, if not every day. I even know parents who live in the same house for the children but are no longer together.

 

First step is the attorney though. He/she can tell you what your options, rights, and obligations are.

[Victim husband]

thank you Gorilla, yeah the only problem i am so broke to consult a lawyer

[Victim husband]

thank you the blade, i worry about my daughter growing up around her and seeing her lifestyle which won't be anything but whoring around

[pteromom]

Some attorneys offer a free or very inexpensive consultation.

 

Look - you call yourself Victim husband. Isn't it time to turn that around and become Empowered husband?

 

If you want to change this situation, you have to quit playing victim and take control of that which is in your control.

Your wife's behavior? NOT within your control.

What you accept in a marriage? VERY MUCH within your control.

WHAT HAPPENS WITH CUSTODY IF YOU DIVORCE? Somewhat within your control if you take the lead and be smart about it.

[FredJones80]

Tell her to **** off.

[Victim husband]

thank you pteromom

[Chi townD]

I would tell her that if she walks out that door to go to her friend in the Midwest, the SAME trip that's going to result in her taking a side trip to Denver, then don't bother coming back.

 

 

 

 

 

Dude, I hate to say it, but I speculate that she's been cheating throughout your enter marriage. This is the first (rather, the second) time you've caught her. She's banking on the fact that she was able to get away with it one time and you didn't go anywhere. There were no consequences to her actions. Now, she thinks she can get away with it, because she thinks you're going to fold. Talk to a lawyer dude.

[Friskyone4u]

Look up or google the word "cuckold". That is where you are headed unless you take immediate action starting with heading off this Denver booty call.

If she is doing this you are already in an open marriage and just don't realize it.

You are using your kids as a shield to not have to make decision. Tons of kids of divorce turn out fine.

You need to make sure she believes that you will divorce her. You can probably print out papers to start the separation online, try legal zoom.com.

Stay strong and you will gain some control

[bubbaganoosh]

First mistake was not throwing her ass out after the first affair. Your fault.

 

Second mistake. Letting her dictate the way things are going to be. Your fault.

 

Now all I'm hearing her say is "I want, I want, I want" and your playing right into her hand.

 

Time for you to man up. There are two parents in your house and one has severe problems along with being a liar and a cheat and you have two kids who need one of their parents to be there for them and that falls on you but in order for that to happen, you have to man up and get this woman out of your life. She's in it for herself and has no intentions of any kind of compromise with you and so far your playing in her hand.

 

I mean when you have to take the kids for a two hour ride so she could hump her hand until she gets her rocks off then you got a problem and doing nothing about it.

 

Get a lawyer, file and let her go screw her brains out until she falls over. And just for good measure, if she's telling her on line next victim that they need to get tested before they hook up, then SHE'S HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX. Get rid of her now.

[oldshirt]

- grow some balls and start doing what you know in your heart and in your brain is right.

 

 

- stop relying on what she says and stop listening to her assurances. like all addicts, she is a pathological lier and nothing that comes out of her mouth is the truth or has any value.

 

 

- get a lawyer ASAP to protect your home, assets and relationship with your children.

 

 

- kick her out.

 

 

- get tested for STDs.

 

 

- Get kids paternity tested. If she is this much of a psycho-slut, she's been banging dudes all along.

 

 

- get into IC to help you grow a pair of balls and learn to get your life back and keep from repeating this history of being used and walked on.

 

 

- don't bother with marital counseling. Marital counseling can't cure crazy and she is crazy.

 

 

- Don't try to help or cure her. allocate all of your time and energies into protecting yourself and your children.

 

 

- cut her off from your support, security and companionship and sexuality. That is the only thing that might get her to realize how screwed up she is and it might drive her to get help for herself. You can't save her or help her but she may decide to get help for herself if she can realize what she has lost.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Sorry for you, man but she's not a keeper. Right now, her needs are more important to her than you, your life, your family. Kick her to the kerb, you'll totally find someone worthy of you. She can't even pay for her own condoms her ass is broke and she doesn't have a job. Why you let it go on for so long is puzzling. She's treating you like crap, don't put up with it.

[lollipopspot]

If you are both capable of being cordial and keeping the children's best interests first, it is possible to both see your children nearly every day, if not every day. I even know parents who live in the same house for the children but are no longer together.

 

First step is the attorney though. He/she can tell you what your options, rights, and obligations are.

 

OP, you can probably get a free short consult with an attorney and they can tell you some options. Call your state bar association and ask for a referral, if you don't already have one.

 

I do not think you can get full custody of the kids, especially if you have not been the primary caretaker, and this is not a gender thing either. The primary caretaker may get more custody, regardless of gender. But at best it will probably be 50/50.

 

It sounds as though money is very tight.

 

I like pteromom's post because the idea of continuing to live together, but not living as a married couple, is something to consider. You can live as a separated couple, and each have your own rooms, with the agreement that no romantic partners are to be brought to the house. This is a way that you can remain with your kids full time, and you can protect your kids from any guys she might choose to be with. I think that pragmatically speaking, that can be a good option if you can make it work. I do not agree with people who think that a marriage has to be some romantic, passionate affair, and I do not think that pride is more important than raising the children you both brought into the world. It can simply be a cordial partnership where you raise a family together. Kids need stability.

[stillafool]

TBH, I don't think I would want my kids with this woman. Her sexual addition may lead to her bringing filthy characters around the children who might do anything. I would be very cautious about this kids with a mother like her.

[stillafool]

Look up or google the word "cuckold". That is where you are headed unless you take immediate action starting with heading off this Denver booty call.

If she is doing this you are already in an open marriage and just don't realize it.

You are using your kids as a shield to not have to make decision. Tons of kids of divorce turn out fine.

You need to make sure she believes that you will divorce her. You can probably print out papers to start the separation online, try legal zoom.com.

Stay strong and you will gain some control

 

I agree with the bolded part. You need to get rid of this thing asasp.

[Victim husband]

thank you everyone for all the support and the answers. Its so much help. the only thing that scaring me getting a divorce is that she will go on with that life style and my kids will be seeing that. it will destroy them. if i can have her just gone from my life and theirs for good, i want to keep my kids with me. Lot of other women did that, they chose that lifestyle they leave their kids with the husband and just go.

[stillafool]

If you don't divorce her she is still going to want that lifestyle and the kids will be exposed to it one way or another. You can't control this woman 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

[whichwayisup]

thank you Gorilla, yeah the only problem i am so broke to consult a lawyer

 

Then borrow the money from your parents or another trusted family member.

 

You are the stable parent, your wife suffers from depression and her focus seems to be on other men rather than being a parent and a wife. Tell her she is free to leave, move out at any time and do whatever with whomever but the kids stay with you.

 

Fight for your kids, at best it'll be shared custody.