Divorced 6 months, but just learned ex had GF for the last year of our marriage

[RedZin]

I found out through my kids on Mother's Day. It seems my ex wants to bring his GF to meet the kids over the holiday weekend, and they are having trouble with that, and all the things he told them not to tell me in the last year of our marriage.

 

 

My kids are adults, but they still have hard feelings. Ex's GF is 20 years younger than he, so she is closer to my daughter's age than she is to him. When I found out she was in the picture during the last year of our 30-year marriage all sorts of things started to make sense to me. He really treated me horribly that last year and the result was filing for divorce. Basically, he pushed me to do it. Why is it men do that? They don't seem to be the ones to file (most of the time).

 

 

I did find a picture of this woman in his gym bag in 2012. When I asked him about it he told me that was his hairdresser. She was computer illiterate and asked him to scan some photos for her. I bought it. After I learned that this was the woman, I went to his facebook account. I looked back over her 'Likes' and 'Comments'. I stopped at August 2012. It might have been longer than that but one year prior to our decision to split was long enough for me.

 

 

So, I sit here feeling kind of miserable. The last year of our marriage was awful. I don't understand why he took this route. I always told him that if there was someone else, please tell me. Well, he didn't, even when I asked him. I just don't understand why he forced me to file rather than tell me he was unhappy and wanted out. Instead I was treated very cruelly. I couldn't do anything right. I'd fix the things he had complaints about, and he would come up with more. I finally reached my breaking point, which was what he wanted, apparently.

 

 

Anyone else have a similar experience?

[stillafool]

How long have you been divorced?

[FredJones80]

How long have you been divorced?

 

Did you miss the thread title ?

[STM206]

I found out through my kids on Mother's Day. It seems my ex wants to bring his GF to meet the kids over the holiday weekend, and they are having trouble with that, and all the things he told them not to tell me in the last year of our marriage.

 

 

My kids are adults, but they still have hard feelings. Ex's GF is 20 years younger than he, so she is closer to my daughter's age than she is to him. When I found out she was in the picture during the last year of our 30-year marriage all sorts of things started to make sense to me. He really treated me horribly that last year and the result was filing for divorce. Basically, he pushed me to do it. Why is it men do that? They don't seem to be the ones to file (most of the time).

 

 

I did find a picture of this woman in his gym bag in 2012. When I asked him about it he told me that was his hairdresser. She was computer illiterate and asked him to scan some photos for her. I bought it. After I learned that this was the woman, I went to his facebook account. I looked back over her 'Likes' and 'Comments'. I stopped at August 2012. It might have been longer than that but one year prior to our decision to split was long enough for me.

 

 

So, I sit here feeling kind of miserable. The last year of our marriage was awful. I don't understand why he took this route. I always told him that if there was someone else, please tell me. Well, he didn't, even when I asked him. I just don't understand why he forced me to file rather than tell me he was unhappy and wanted out. Instead I was treated very cruelly. I couldn't do anything right. I'd fix the things he had complaints about, and he would come up with more. I finally reached my breaking point, which was what he wanted, apparently.

 

 

Anyone else have a similar experience?

 

He wanted you to do the dirty work. It was one less thing that he had to feel any guilt about.

 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this, I'll never understand why people feel the need to lie about things.

[oldshirt]

This is kind of like closing the barn door after the horse has got out but for other people reading this thread, this is why so many of us say to start investigating for someone else if your partner's behavior makes a significant change. especially if they start really blowing you off or treating you with disregard/disrespect.

 

 

I must emphasize "investigate" for someone else, don't just ask. If you ask, they will say no and then go deeper underground.

 

 

To Redzin - I don't have any answers to your questions...at least none that will satisfy you. About 35 years ago when I was in high school, I was reading some advice column in some kind of teen magazine and a girl had written in asking why her BF had pulled a bit of a disappearing act and Ann Landers or Dear Abby or whoever it was responded that boys don't really formally break up with girls. They either just stop calling or they start seeing other girls and don't bother to tell the first one.

 

 

I was a teenager when I read that article. I am 50 years old now and I really haven't seen anything that disproves that article all these years later or that it really changes much in adult men vs teenage boys.

 

 

While I agree it's crumby and wrong, women are probably just as bad if not worse. He may have been cheating and treating you bad for a year, but read a few posts here and you see case after case after case of women disengaging from their husbands and carrying affairs and flings for multiple years all while trying to maintain a façade of normalcy at home.

[KathyM]

He didn't want to look like the bad guy to people, or the one to abandon the marriage, so he treated you so bad that you would file for divorce. Some men (and women) do that, unfortunately. I know a couple who both had the attitude that they were not going to be the one to file for divorce, so they both cheated on the their partner and were as disrespectful and nasty to their partner as they could possibly be to try to get the other partner to file for divorce. Finally, the husband filed, and now the wife is going around saying that he abandoned the marriage. *Rolls eyes*.

[stillafool]

Did you miss the thread title ?

 

Uh, duh, yes! Anyway OP, you were right to divorce this guy because you had no idea you were married to a crafty cheater. Good you got out when you did.

[RedZin]

The result of taking this route is that he lost the respect of his children. My daughter is very hurt because he is buying a house (and moving in with) this woman, and she has three children - all girls. One of the girls is pregnant. So the OW is going to be a grandmother at a very young age. She had that child when she was 16. It's like Coal Miner's Daughterville or something. I had my daughter when I was 28. We are all college educated. I don't mean to be a snob, but what the heck is he thinking??? He is walking into a huge amount of baggage and he is no spring chicken. I think my kids are hurt because they feel they are being traded in for a new family. Even though they are older they still have feelings.

 

 

Ex says he has never mistreated his kids, and that is true, but he has been extremely insensitive to their feelings. He has been telling them how great OW is to him, how much fun they're having, and how excited he is about his new home, etc., etc. He expected them to be happy for him. He just has no clue. I have encouraged my kids to tell him honestly how they feel. It is their right. My daughter did - she's a pistol, but my son is reluctant because he is afraid of losing his father's love and support. It's a mess and ex is an insensitive *hole.

 

 

So, my daughter stopped talking to him because every time she told him how she felt, he told her why she shouldn't feel that way. He is really in La La Land with this younger woman. I have a feeling the party will be over when she and her kids move in with him.

[Speakingofwhich]

Redzin, there is little you can do for your children and about your ex's behavior at this point, except to pray for them all!

 

I did go through a similar experience. My ex had an A the last year of our M and left me. I only learned he'd had this OW years after our D. He dumped OW before our D was final (took 18 mos) and got with another OW. He M second OW soon after our D was final, had a baby with her then left her.

 

He M a third OW six days after D from second OW and W was final.

 

At this point he has two children by me, and one by second W and OW.

 

By the time he M third OW his kids were thoroughly confused about their dad. Third OW/W had two children of her own who were difficult children (unlike mine, who, honestly were normal but good kids who got their educations and turned into productive citizens) and kind of do-nothing types.

 

He alienated all of his biological children for 18 years. Third OW and W has just died. All his children are grown and he is just now reconciling with them.

 

My children really don't like second OW/W and her child.

Second OW/W and her child really crave to be around my children, interestingly. When my son explained how he felt about second OW/W and her child to my ex he said he felt bad about the situation he had "created."

 

Yes, he can look back now and see all of his mistakes. He has many regrets, as I knew he would. But, that doesn't negate them.

 

His third OW/W suffered greatly for several years prior to her death. And while they were married her own children got on my ex's nerves. At this point he appears to be about twenty years older than he actually is. What a life he's lived!

 

However, as long as he was going to be this bonkers, it was probably best that I didn't have to stay with him.

 

You will most likely watch your ex crash and burn with the situation he's setting up for himself.

 

Btw, second OW is very angry and bitter. Third OW is dead. I decided to forgive him and not hold a grudge and out of all of the above I got off the easiest!

 

If you can forgive him and focus on your own future not his present circumstances you will come out ahead in all of this!

Edited May 17, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[oldshirt]

Any chance your X may have some White Knight issues? This all sounds very similar to a friend of mine.

 

 

One of my best friends from childhood is doing something very similar. Although his xW treated him and all of us friends like crap and we were all very glad to see her go, other than that his situation sounds somewhat similar to yours though there are some technical differences.

 

 

His bio kids are one graduating from HS now and the other will be a HS freshman in the fall.

 

 

He is legally divorced and recently remarried now but he found his current wife on Ashley Madison or AFF or some other 'married but looking' website while both he and current wife were still married.

 

 

xW is college educated and a college science professor, he is a computer engineer working for international tech company. Kids are essentially genius's and son has full-ride academic scholarship to an Ivy League university this coming up fall.

 

 

Current wife is 50lbs overweight (she lost about 30lbs for the recent wedding) has a number of missing teeth and a few that are ready to fall out (I'm being literal, not exaggerating) she has lived on welfare her entire life and has 3 toothless, morbidly overweight and tattoed/pierced young adult children from three different fathers (one in prison for child molestion) who are also a band of deadbeats. Only one of the adult children has a steady minimum wage job, the other two on public assistance.

 

 

When I look at current wife I cringe and want to shake him and ask him what is the matter with him. (he is not a male model, but is 5'10", 175lbs, average looks and is educated with sound, well-paying high tech career.)

 

 

When he talks about current wife you'd think he landed a swimsuit model that does porn films on the side. He brags on how he managed to land a blond that is 8 years younger and can't believe she picked him to marry out of all the guys she was banging off of Ashley Madison.

 

 

I'm getting to the punch line here........

 

 

On paper this gal and her band of misfit toys family are a bunch of dysfunctional, trailer trash hillfolk. But to him she's a younger woman that hasn't hit menopause, still has an intact sexdrive and has the hots for him and thinks he is her prince charming and white knight that has finally rode up on his big white horse to rescue her.....and for that she bangs him nightly and blows him in the afternoons. The price he has to pay for that is put up with her misfit kids.

 

 

But here's the catch......I think he likes the drama. I think he likes feeling important and needed. I think he likes and needs to be the white knight.

 

 

His xW neither wanted nor needed him. She just needed his genius DNA to mix with her Genius DNA so she could have her Ivy League children. Once she had the kids she stopped talking to him...literally.

 

 

So where I am going with this is, even though this OW and her family appear to be a huge step down. To him he may feel like the white knight, going out and slaying dragons and saving the kingdom by day. Then coming home and being rewarded in the damsels chamber by night.

 

 

Yes, it will all crumble and he'll be hating life in a short period of time. But for now he is the knight in shining armor and feels needed and wanted and appreciated. He is 50 years old but he feels like he is a virile, courageous man conquering the world again.

 

 

Sometimes when squared away people build a solid and comfortable life, it becomes stale and boring to people who need drama and need to slay dragons and need to live in the chaos of dysfunction and upheaval.

 

 

 

 

Any chance your husband my have some White Knight issues like my old school buddy?

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

. He is really in La La Land with this younger woman. I have a feeling the party will be over when she and her kids move in with him.

 

 

 

I can't speak for your husband of course, but in the case of my friend that I talk about above, all the dysfunction, drama, chaos and hardships etc etc etc IS the party.

 

 

 

 

It will wear him down and disillusion him and piss him off eventually but for now, that is why he is in it.

 

 

When his party will be over is once her bills are paid and her kids have a roof over their heads and food in their bellys and then the poontang starts to dry up.

 

 

He'll realized he was used for his support and resources when she is all taken care of and content and she stops putting out for him because he's balding and getting a pot belly and she starts banging younger, buffer dudes.

[Scorpio Chick]

RedZin, is your exH a porn watcher? I ask for a reason. Although, I think almost all men watch porn, but I am wondering about your husband for a reason with this whole scenario.

[No Limit]

No offense but he's a disaster waiting to happen. What a smart OW that she's caught herself someone that can support her, and no doubt as soon as he's sucked dry she'll go find the next.

 

Might be social parasite-behavior in the opinion of "normal people", but that's how she survived and that's most likely how her daughter will survive and depend on.

 

OP I do hope you'll keep us updated, because this is going to be very entertaining to watch. Keep some popcorn nearby for his desperate "I made a big mistake, I love you and only you, I miss you so much"-calls.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

OP I do hope you'll keep us updated, because this is going to be very entertaining to watch. Keep some popcorn nearby for his desperate "I made a big mistake, I love you and only you, I miss you so much"-calls.

 

 

 

I'll place my bets that the phone calls are going to be, "I made a mistake and want you back.." but rather - "she's not treating me well and her kids are a bunch of lazy freeloaders. What can I do???"

 

 

The phone calls in these situations are often more for advice on how to change the new woman and her family rather than getting the old one back.

 

 

My recommended answer for either call is the same -

 

 

"Click."

[No Limit]

My recommended answer for either call is the same -

 

 

"Click."

 

I'd probably burst out in laughter right before the "click" part.

[RedZin]

Yes, I will keep you all posted. The drama surrounding the holiday weekend has subsided. He says he is not bringing OW up this weekend. They live 400 miles away. He is not going to stay at my house (I use to let him do this. I would vacate so he could have quality time with his kids). I told him to stay in a hotel and far away from my house. So, he is going out to dinner with the kids without OW. He says he is not bringing her up here, but I think he is. The reason I think that is because he is staying three days. He only has one event planned with the kids. He does not have any family and just maybe one or two friends up here. He cannot tolerate being alone and I know he wants to show OW all around where he used to live. He says she has never been anywhere (that's because she was too busy being a teenage mother).

 

 

Yes, the knight in shinning armor does fit. He needs to be adored. I imagine she is giving him all the attention he craves. He is considered to be a very smart man, but he is acting like a teenager. His ego is all puffed up because someone 20 years younger is giving him attention, and in her eyes he is amazing, I'm sure. I always shake my head when I see an older man with a much younger woman. I marvel at the fact that these men actually think the women are in love with them. I'm sorry, but someone that much younger, and that uneducated, can't possibly have much in common with him. Will he wake up and realize she is actually in love with his wallet? I doubt it. My daughter told me ex has been to see a psychic because OW routinely visits them. The psychic said he was going to be married twice more. Okay.......... This is something he has always thought was ludicrous. My, what a little action can do.

 

 

I do not think he watches porn, but after this, I would believe just about anything. OW has a stripper name - We'll call her Brandi. Daughter is mortified.

 

 

I will not take any phone calls from him regarding this situation. He gets what he gets. I have no intention of communicating with him at all. He is Brandi's problem now. And to the posters that remarked about drama, yes, that is his MO and he loves to have it all unfold on facebook, ugh. So, everyone get to know all about his exciting life. He also has a penchant for cracking up motorcycles (four accidents to date). Loves to come back from the dead having cheated death once more. My mother thinks he bumped his head a little too hard. She might be right. Head injury just might be a factor.

[No Limit]

Maybe you should inform your kids that if he brings OW and they feel uncomfortable, they can always call you or maybe a taxi to get away there. Otherwise it's going to be awkward as hell, at best.

 

At worst she'll get food thrown in her face.

 

And yeah, they do wake up after a couple of months most of the time. It'll be a rude awakening.

[brijy]

How long have you been divorced?

[RedZin]

My divorce was final last march.

[trippi1432]

Any chance your X may have some White Knight issues? This all sounds very similar to a friend of mine.

 

 

One of my best friends from childhood is doing something very similar. Although his xW treated him and all of us friends like crap and we were all very glad to see her go, other than that his situation sounds somewhat similar to yours though there are some technical differences.

 

I'm getting to the punch line here........

 

 

On paper this gal and her band of misfit toys family are a bunch of dysfunctional, trailer trash hillfolk. But to him she's a younger woman that hasn't hit menopause, still has an intact sexdrive and has the hots for him and thinks he is her prince charming and white knight that has finally rode up on his big white horse to rescue her.....and for that she bangs him nightly and blows him in the afternoons. The price he has to pay for that is put up with her misfit kids.

 

 

But here's the catch......I think he likes the drama. I think he likes feeling important and needed. I think he likes and needs to be the white knight.

 

 

Sometimes when squared away people build a solid and comfortable life, it becomes stale and boring to people who need drama and need to slay dragons and need to live in the chaos of dysfunction and upheaval.

 

Any chance your husband my have some White Knight issues like my old school buddy?

 

Okay..a couple of points about your friend and you Old Shirt, the first wife wasn't favorable nor is the second......perhaps it's not so much drama that your friend is attracted to, but maybe it's about growing with someone who is not a gang of friends.

 

The thing is, a man with white knight syndrome doesn't defend the current woman, he moves to the next one who needs saving. Your friend isn't a White Knight, he's trying to please too many people at the same time, her included.

 

And honestly, there is nothing one woman can do (or wife) for a man with White Knight syndrome, unless she is a Drama Queen herself...and, well that is just really boring.

 

RedZin - Your husband sounds like he is going through a mid-life crisis honestly. That, in itself, is a good reason to divorce unless you are okay with putting your life in limbo for 10 years while he gets over it. They say the same thing about married women who cheat, if you read here long enough, women are worse.

 

Mid life, 20 year old GF's...HA!! I was one to be honest, however he and his wife had been over for 3 years but still not divorced. She had a boyfriend living with her, but it still upset her that he had a younger GF. To be honest....HE lied about his age, I thought only women did that.

 

Today's 20 year old GF typically has no morals, they don't have the maturity to have morals. Anyone under 30 thinks the world owes them a living....and if they can't make it themselves, they use. Mid-life will blind him to that fact, it's not White Knight syndrome......it's his own lack of self confidence in himself. Your best ammunition is to not show him anything...anger, remorse, nada.............................................................................................................................................Done!

[Popsicle]

It's called a "disappearing act" and men specialize in it. It's their preferred method of exiting. He just did it within his marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

She had that child when she was 16. It's like Coal Miner's Daughterville or something. I had my daughter when I was 28. We are all college educated. I don't mean to be a snob, but what the heck is he thinking???

Y His ego is all puffed up because someone 20 years younger is giving him attention, and in her eyes he is amazing, I'm sure. I always shake my head when I see an older man with a much younger woman. I marvel at the fact that these men actually think the women are in love with them. I'm sorry, but someone that much younger, and that uneducated, can't possibly have much in common with him. Will he wake up and realize she is actually in love with his wallet? I doubt it. My daughter told me ex has been to see a psychic because OW routinely visits them. The psychic said he was going to be married twice more. Okay.......... This is something he has always thought was ludicrous. My, what a little action can do.

 

OW has a stripper name - We'll call her Brandi.

You are understandably hurting but this kind of projection and condescension doesn't help you or anyone else recover. Would your path be any easier had he left you under similarly deceptive and dishonorable circumstances for someone his own age?

 

Bitterness doesn't help you or hurt him. Take the high road, ignore the drama and let his life be his problem. As hard as it is right now, you should focus on living yours. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheBladeRunner]

You are understandably hurting but this kind of projection and condescension doesn't help you or anyone else recover. Would your path be any easier had he left you under similarly deceptive and dishonorable circumstances for someone his own age?

 

Bitterness doesn't help you or hurt him. Take the high road, ignore the drama and let his life be his problem. As hard as it is right now, you should focus on living yours. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky is so spot on, focus on you. Take the high road no matter what and leave his mess to him. What's done is done and BOTH times it happened to me it hurt so bad I thought I would die and the anger........well.....that was over the top. In the end worrying about what my WS's did only hurt me in the end. The best revenge in my opinion is to get to a place of complete indifference.

 

I just had a slice of what I call passive revenge this Sunday. What is passive revenge? It's when you improve on you and reach that point of not giving a sh$% what your X or STBX does. I am so indifferent that when I saw the whole X-family at my kids dance recital I even went and sat with them. Don't get me wrong, it is a little awkward, but all they see is a guy that is now happier, confident, and there for his daughter.

 

While she has been busy hopping from relationship to relationship ignoring her own issues, I decided to get busy NOT dating for awhile and working on me. It has paid off in spades.

 

Let him do what he will do then just sit back and watch.......it'll all shake out in the end........trust me.

[RedZin]

Yes, Mr. Lucky and Blade, I do have some venom coming out of me and I know it does me no good. I do not want to live with bitterness in my heart. I know that is destructive - physically and mentally, but I can't bottle it up either. My kids, even though they are grown, are upset because they feel he is turning his back on them and taking up with a ready-made family. I hurt when my kids hurt. He recently bought a house and I asked him to think of the kids in the process. I intend to leave my kids whatever money and property I have. I don't think he is thinking of them at all. He will certainly die before her, and everything he has will go to her and then to her kids. I know it happens all the time, but it is just not right.

 

 

What does he do? While out to dinner with the kids he says, "Don't expect an inheritance because I plan on spending every dime." It's just so tactless. In an email to me he said he was going to live what years he has left on his own terms. He feels he's sacrificed for others long enough and now it is his turn. Except it isn't because he is taking on more responsibility with this younger woman and her family.

 

 

However, in the being nice to yourself department, I'm doing fairly well. I've got lots of friends and family. I haven't been as productive as I would like though. I have felt stuck. This whole thing sort of paralyzed me. Any advice for motivating yourself? How do you find the energy/will to do the things you need to do? I just feel like I have been wasting a lot of time.

[Mr. Lucky]

My kids, even though they are grown, are upset because they feel he is turning his back on them and taking up with a ready-made family. I hurt when my kids hurt. He recently bought a house and I asked him to think of the kids in the process. I intend to leave my kids whatever money and property I have. I don't think he is thinking of them at all.

Setting aside your marriage to him and how he's treated you (a big ask, I understand), the adult children are a different matter. Assuming they're well adjusted and launched into life, he's fulfilled his obligation. And in my opinion, they're owed nothing more financially in either the short or long term. What he does at this point with his money and assets (except as it relates to you), however ill advised, is his business...

 

Mr. Lucky