Conditional vs. Unconditional Love…???

[Stay_Gold]

I believe I was treated with conditional love all my life and as a result it affected many parts of my life negatively.

 

FAMILY DYNAMICS:

1. 1 of 10 children. A middle child (4th) but the 1st Son.

2. Sibling Rivalry: Lots of fighting and competition for parental love/attention.

3. Culture Shock: Parents are immigrants from the Vietnam War trying to assimilate into American Society. Middle lower class family living in a small 2 bedroom house in the ghetto.

4. Boys are preferred over daughters and are seen as “saviors” in Asian families. (Masculine vs. Feminine Ideals/Sexism)

 

PROBLEM:

1. My siblings see me as some “special kid” that will somehow make it in American society and bring the family (parents mostly) out of poverty.

2. My siblings/parents see me as someone that always got what he wanted. (Conditional Love)

3. I believe one of my sisters wishes she was a boy.

4. My siblings complain about my conditional love but don’t know that I always wanted unconditional love. I believe my siblings received unconditional love, of which we all know as the better one (subjective).

5. Father (and mother to an extent) was “NOT” the best Father/Parent roles/figures at all. I believe both parents have some issues (culture shock/personality disorders/English illiterate).

6. Parents compare me to other peers and tell me to be this and that. Shouldn't they love me for who I am faults and all because I am their child…? That’s not love. And if it isn't, what is love than…?

 

Most importantly and the main reason for this post… The “conditional love thing” leached into my work life. I started seeing my bosses/colleagues as “father figures” and not as individuals. It made me feel guilty and soulless. I felt like a son and not a “man” and therefore quit the job from falling into more guilt and shame. As a result…I am jobless, living at home at the age of 30.

 

THE CATCH:

1. I believe I was a very “cute/handsome” baby. I was always being held and given attention by elders and relatives. My mom still looks at me with “innocent mama eyes”.

2. I also believe I was born with a lot of “character”. From a small age, I can remember observing and listening to elders/relatives speak of me in the background and how I have so much “character”.

3. I knew that our family dynamics were different and not “normal” when I was younger by observing my peers/friends throughout all my grade school years.

 

MY STAND:

1. I can’t help it if I was born cute/handsome.

2. I can’t help it that I was the first son. I never asked to be born.

3. I can’t help it if I was born with “natural” born character.

4. I remember always sharing my stuff even if it was given to me.

5. I always helped my parents with chores, tasks and sibling rearing/care taking.

6. I was always a very quiet, calm and peaceful child that accepted whatever my parents gave me. I was never the kind of kid to cry or throw a fit/tantrum in a store if I did not get something I wanted.

7. I never asked for the stuff I received. I remember a time when I was with my parents shopping at a swap meet and there was this bike. I “NEVER” asked or pleaded to have it…but my dad bought it anyways.

 

Is this considered conditional love…? Should I try to change my personality and character so people will give me unconditional love…?

 

Sorry for a long post and if this post leads into a “can-o-worms” for sexism/masculine vs. feminine ideals.

[Joyfirst]

Do you think many people were born into ideal families and circumstances? Grow up and take care of yourself -give yourself that unconditional love you always wanted. When you learn to give it to yourself, you can start giving it to others as well. You can't control, what others think about you nor you have to in order to be happy. Your happiness depends on your thoughts and your attitude. Focus on your parents and siblings positive aspects, and they will start showing more and more of their good sides to you.

[Stay_Gold]

Do you think many people were born into ideal families and circumstances? Grow up and take care of yourself -give yourself that unconditional love you always wanted. When you learn to give it to yourself, you can start giving it to others as well. You can't control, what others think about you nor you have to in order to be happy. Your happiness depends on your thoughts and your attitude. Focus on your parents and siblings positive aspects, and they will start showing more and more of their good sides to you.

 

I am very grateful and appreciate your advice. I looked up how to be happy and a lot of stuff you said is true and is what I need to do.

 

On the other hand...I think I am a martyr and people pleaser also. Found this on a website:

 

Conditional Love. Sometimes pleasing is an attempt to get approval, or caring, or love. Suppose your parents gave you love or caring only when you complied with them as a child. This conditional expression of love may have left you feeling that you weren’t OK or lovable unless you were pleasing them. This would unconsciously carry over into your current relationships, especially with people who remind you of your parents. So now you may feel that you need to please them to be lovable.

 

I think I am too much of a people pleaser. Most times...I feel I am bending over backwards for a lot of people when I should be saying no. I believe I might be insecure and have low self-esteem and is why I am so intent on pleasing everyone. I just want everyone to be happy and get along. Thats why I do so much and end up burning myself physically, emotionally and mentally.

 

I think my ultimate goal in my personal/emotional growth as a person and my happiness in life is going to come down to working on the 2 things above.

 

Being more assertive, confident and not pleasing everyone all the time AND work on accepting people for their faults/flaws, forgiving people/myself and giving unconditional love to all freely; including myself.

 

Thanks for the introspection and reflection. It really opened up my eyes and my heart.

Edited May 17, 2014 by Stay_Gold

[Tayla]

Your path is yours to forge. Your past experiences can be utilized to uncover what works and what doesn't. Refrain from the "always" and "never" mindset.Its self defeating. Use terms like rarely or usually. Your perspective is your reality.

 

As much as I would love to agree with your version, its askewed. Until you have walked a mile in someone elses shoes you do not know , this includes your parents and siblings. They each have a story to tell , and being observant can be a tall telling sign .

 

My genetic "father" was very conditional, and yes he voiced it many a time that "boys" were more to his liking. It was not pleasant to hear. Thru years of sorting thru that comment, the reality was, he simply did not "KNOW" how to relate to females. That was his burden, not mine. give back to those folks their burdens, its not yours to carry. We do not get to carry others tribulations or burdens, we can though learn from them. The reality is, some folks do not deserve your unconditional anything. Sort and choose who gets to be in that inner circle and cherish them for that.

[sumathi]

You are all confused and muddled up about conditional and unconditional love. When you love a person, you expect some love back from that person. Does that make your love conditional? It is expectation! There is nothing wrong in it. It is natural for your parents to expect you to come good. It is a normal parental wish. Sibling jealousy is also normal everywhere and there is nothing to be worried about? You should not go deep into what every one does and assume a meaning according to your mindset. Why should you feel like a son to your higher officials. It seems abnormal. You must keep your relationship at work place professional if you want to succeed in life. Your father loves you so much that he bought you the motor bike. Love him for that.

[Stay_Gold]

You are all confused and muddled up about conditional and unconditional love. When you love a person, you expect some love back from that person. Does that make your love conditional? It is expectation! There is nothing wrong in it. It is natural for your parents to expect you to come good. It is a normal parental wish. Sibling jealousy is also normal everywhere and there is nothing to be worried about? You should not go deep into what every one does and assume a meaning according to your mindset. Why should you feel like a son to your higher officials. It seems abnormal. You must keep your relationship at work place professional if you want to succeed in life. Your father loves you so much that he bought you the motor bike. Love him for that.

 

Haha lol it wasn't a motor bike. It was a regular peddle bike with plastic tires.

 

Thanks everyone. Really great advice. Im gonna work extra hard to love those that need/want my love and start working on improving myself in all areas that need it.

 

Thanks everyone. I think I now know what needs to be changed.