How do you deal when your spouse disappoints you - repeatedly?

[LightYouth]

Hey People of LoveShack

 

After reading a lot of posts and learning that there are so many brilliant and wise members in this forum, I would like to ask for your opinions.

 

How do you deal when your spouse disappoints you - repeatedly?

 

Is it normal to be disappointed from time to time? Are all relationships like that?

 

Thanks for your replies!

[nomadic_butterfly]

Yes, it is normal to be disappointed from "time to time" but first of all, have you confronted him in a non-combative way about his behavior?

 

How often is this happening?

 

Is it the same thing over and over?

 

Has he promised to change/or improve?

 

Has he changed or improved on any level?

 

Are you being too hard on him?

 

Are you being realistic about your expectations?

 

Are you self-aware?

 

Are you willing to compromise?

 

Have you tried counseling?

 

Many unknowns here!

 

As long as we are human beings and not celestial beings, we will at some point disappoint EVERYONE including ourselves. It's imperative to have a realistic grasp on this simple truth, or else you stand to drive yourself and others crazy with unfeasible ideals.

[Smilecharmer]

Can you be more specific...it might help to understand the issues you are talking about?

[oldshirt]

yes definitely need more specifics and background.

 

 

It is two completely different universes if your spouse is disappointing you by loading the roll of toilet paper backwards and squeezing the tube of toothpaste from the middle vs refusing to get a job and is molesting neighborhood children in the park during the day.

 

 

Give us a little background on your ages, how long married, any kids, what are issues and disappointments, when did they start, what have you done to try to correct it, what has his response been etc etc etc

[LightYouth]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Well, my question was for a more general situation.... what would you do and how would you react if your spouse disappoints you repeatedly? In any situation that matters to you. What are the steps you can take so that it doesn't affect you badly?

[J2911]

I would eventually walk away if I were to the point where I could no longer be happy in the relationship.

If talking till I was blue in the face and exhausted daily and I lived more unhappy than happy days then I would not stay in something that disappointed me daily .

[BeingMe]

You need to realise firstly, that you cannot fix him (or anyone). He is his own person.

 

You can talk to him about whatever issue it is, but he can choose to agree with you or not.

 

I'm saying this because often our feeling disappointed with someone, is more to do with ourselves and our own expectations, rather than the other person.

 

It really would help to know what you're talking about, specifically.

[jwi71]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Well, my question was for a more general situation.... what would you do and how would you react if your spouse disappoints you repeatedly? In any situation that matters to you. What are the steps you can take so that it doesn't affect you badly?

 

I find it hard to believe that a human repeatedly and "in a more general sense" disappoints another and it all be the "disappointers" fault.

 

So the first place I would start would be in the mirror.

[Mr. Lucky]

So the first place I would start would be in the mirror.

I had the same thought. You can start by adjusting your expectations.

 

My wife is consistently late. Used to bug the hell out of me until I realized that, compared to her other wonderful qualities, it's pretty insignificant. Now I bring a book .

 

Since you don't give any context, hard to know what you're disappointed by...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

1) Establishing Boundaries

2) Working with them

3) Changing your expectations - giving up in a way and accepting

4) Realizing you are responsible for you (not letting others actions influence your own feelings).

5) Focusing on other things

6) If the disappointments are significant enough to require a evaluation of the vows or commitments you took and careful assessment of the pluses and minus staying or leaving the relationship.

 

 

 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

 

 

 

Funny take this

 

 

http://tralfamadoriansrus.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/calvin-and-hobbes.jpg

Edited May 18, 2014 by dichotomy

[nomadic_butterfly]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Well, my question was for a more general situation.... what would you do and how would you react if your spouse disappoints you repeatedly? In any situation that matters to you. What are the steps you can take so that it doesn't affect you badly?

 

You STILL have not addressed specifics therefore we cannot give you advice or informed opinions with marginal details. We need to understand the magnitude of his "mess ups" to accurately discern who, if anyone is being unreasonable. Give us some examples because we are lost otherwise.

[hoping2heal]

Depends, I might disappoint someone repeatedly because they have unrealistic expectations of me

[LittleTiger]

I had the same thought. You can start by adjusting your expectations.

 

My wife is consistently late. Used to bug the hell out of me until I realized that, compared to her other wonderful qualities, it's pretty insignificant. Now I bring a book .

 

Since you don't give any context, hard to know what you're disappointed by...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This! ^^^

 

Buddhists believe that the source of human suffering is our desire for something we can't have. Even if Buddhism isn't your thing, just accepting that having unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment is a great lesson.

 

For any relationship to survive long term, we all have to acknowledge our partners 'imperfections' and accept them as a part of the whole person - a person that we love and enjoy being with.

 

If you are continually disappointed by your spouse, it's either time to lower your expectations of them (remembering that nobody is perfect!) or find someone else who has different 'imperfections' that you find easier to accept.

[M30USA]

A poster on LS has a signature which says to expect nothing from anybody and you'll never be disappointed.

[janedoe67]

Without specifics it is pretty much impossible. For me to be disappointed that my spouse doesn't notice every time I get a haircut, well, that is probably an unrealistic expectation. If he can't/won't hold a job and we are repeatedly in financial straits....I don't need a mirror because it isn't unrealistic to expect a grownup to keep a job.

 

Why are you opposed to being specific?

[pink_sugar]

Some of the biggest things that disappoint me are when my husband embarrasses me in front of friends/family...in example, giving attitude, tone of voice or even criticizing me. This makes me question our relationship sometimes. I try to tell him how I feel about it, but he is often on the defensive and refuses see my feelings. Very frustrating.