Met MM three years ago; had A and he's now divorced. Need advice!

[Lexalove]

Hi, I'm new here and I'm not quite sure how this works but here it goes.

Long story short, I met a MM 3 years ago we had an affair for almost a year at the end of which he had finalized his divorce. We have been dating for the past two years and plan on getting married in the near future. But lately he has been acting like a complete jacka** and get extremely angry and irritated with me over silly and minor things. He has been having severe mood swings where one day I'm the love of his life and the next day he can't stand anything I do or say. I'm not quite sure how to interpret his behavior, he has become very critical of me, sometimes I feel like he hates me and I don't understand what's going on. Whenever I try talking to him about it he either gets very angry and shuts me down or discards my concerns and belittles them. I'm very confused and not sure of what my next step should be. I'm not even sure if I love him anymore or if I ever truly did for that matter.

Have any of you ever been through a similar situation? Why do you think this change of heart/attitude might be?

Please help!

[BeingMe]

Could it be that you're finally seeing the real him?

 

He may have a habit of doing the push-pull dynamic in his relationships (common with people who fear emotional intimacy). Or he may be someone who resents the one he's with (a pattern common to co-dependents and to passive aggressives). While with his wife and during the divorce, he could fulfill that with her, but now, there's just you.

 

Remember that he is not perfect. He was 50% responsible for the issues in his marriage. He was 100% responsible for his choice to have an affair. If he hasn't got counselling and been working on himself since he left, then he won't have changed and is likely to start repeating his past behaviour.

 

If you choose to rugsweep this, you may find yourself in the same role as his ex-wife.

[Lexalove]

Thank you for replying

At first I thought he was just stressed out and partially blaming me for the financial toll the divorce took and his inability to be around his kids as much as he wants, but I don't think that's the reason.

He repeatedly calls me the following:

Selfish

Spoiled

Egotistical

Rude

Stupid (this one he doesn't say literally but often implies)

And immature.

Now I know I'm not perfect but I don't believe myself to be all of the above either. While on a good day all he does is praise me for being a wonderful kind hearted person. Do you now see why this whole situation is very confusing for me?

Also, I recently lost a lot of weight I was never over weight or anything but I have been hitting the gym and really working hard on sculpting my body and all I ever hear him say is things like "I liked you better when you ate burgers" or " Do you think you can do better just because you lost some weight" and weird unsupportive comments that I don't really understand. Sorry I know this might be a bit irrelevant but I'm just trying to give you a general idea of his recent behavior so I can get an objective perspective.

[jesienna31]

I would say- run, run away from this guy.

You will get yourself into an unhealthy and toxic relationship with someone that has personality issues. I believe he hasn't show you yet all of his true colours- they would only hit once you are married and you will probably end up in the same situation as his ex wife... cheated on (he might find another affair partner) and being generally unhappy.

Instead of supporting you and being proud, he is abusive. Abusive doesn't always have to be physical- it more often is emotional abuse which due to manipulation is hard to see and recognise for what it is.

Do you feel like your self-esteem has gone downhill with him? If so, this is what he would most likely wish to happen, he wants someone dependent on him, someone who is "much less" then him so he can feel better himself.

If i were you I would start considering an exit routes from this relationship.

[BeingMe]

Lexalove, those are big red flags for any relationship.

 

Yours is more complex because of how it began. Do you feel responsible for his divorce? Do you feel like it would be horrible for you to dump him now because of it?

 

If you do, I just want to reassure you - staying in a relationship out of guilt or obligation is a BAD idea.

 

Sounds like he is doing the push-pull. But this is more than the scared of emotional intimacy push-pull because he is being verbally/emotionally abusive to you. This is only going to get worse as the relationship progresses. He is starting to show you who he really is. (And I pity his poor wife for having to live like that). The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for you to leave him because he is grooming you to accept his bad treatment of you.

[Minnie09]

Sounds much like my ex-H. Very loving and caring during the honeymoon phase, then, as SOON as things got serious, he started to put me down. You don't see it until it's too late, because someone who has that personality won't act badly if the relationship is still in the initial stages, meaning that he can't take you for granted yet. These people have low self esteem, hence are prone to affairs and external validation, and once in a serious relationship, they immediately become abusive, because that's the only way they can feel better about themselves.

 

They have to camouflage their insecurity, self loathing and low self esteem by putting those down that are closest to them. You as his SO will be the target of his sabotaging behavior. He subconsciously runs the relationship into the ground, may or may not be aware of it, is passive aggressive, unsupportive, even destructive and hurtful, just to experience that you stay with him anyways, which is what he needs in order to feel more secure (she loves me unconditionally, no matter what), but at the same time devalues you in his eyes (she's weak, she's worthless, why is she with me, she must not have other options, she's a piece of **** etc.). Been there done that.

 

Those guys look for a mother, a nurturing partner who puts up with them, somebody who's dependent and won't speak up, because they feel so low, they need external sources to lift them up. Deep down he's afraid he will be losing you to someone better anyways, because he knows or feels he's worthless as a partner, but as long as you don't leave, he won't respect you. If you leave, you'll have his respect back immediately. It's a sad sad circle. And it's based on childhood trauma. How was his R with his mother?

[jesienna31]

Also... the fact that you are mentioning this below:

He repeatedly calls me the following:

Selfish

Spoiled

Egotistical

Rude

Stupid (this one he doesn't say literally but often implies)

And immature.

 

Clearly show that you yourself recognize that it is wrong... but maybe since the situation with him confuses you, you need to find an outside validation through this forum to make sure that your feelings such as "something is not right here", "I am not treated with respect", "there is something toxic about this relationship" are reasonable and valid here Yes... it is wrong the way he talks to you and I am sure he probably has other ways to belittle you through his controlling, manipulative behaviour. Sometimes we need to listen to ourselfs... you know within that there is something wrong here.. but maybe you don't trust yourself enough to believe it yet. Listen to what your gut tells you.

The fact that he calls you "the love of my life" maybe indicates the fact that you rescued him from his previous marriage, from misery, from taking part of the responsibility for the fail of his marriage, from responsibility to look into his own intimacy issues and personality fakes... But once he settles comfie in a relationship with you, you will be the next person to rage at for it all and to be the one to be "rescued from" in his own words.

Edited May 17, 2014 by jesienna31

[Lexalove]

To answer some of the previous questions, I have felt guilty about his divorce at times but I kept reminding myself of the fact that although he was still legally married when we started seeing each other, he and his ex had already been seperated for a few months so I don't think I should feel "guilty", right? I know an A in A and I'm not trying to justify it in any way but I feel like my presence didn't really play that much of a role in the outcome.

Generally, I do feel less confident than I used to. I feel like I am constantly seeking his approval. He always belittles my job and makes me feel like it's unimportant because it doesn't pay well( I work with underprivileged children).

I have a higher level of education than he does and I am trilingual which for some weird reason seems to piss him off, he makes comments like :"you don't know everything" and "you're such a wise ass" etc.

His relationship with his mother seems to be a very close knitted one from what I've seen, he adores her and the two of them are very close. I do feel like she guilts him into supporting his irresponsible younger brother, but that's just my personal analysis.

I think I should leave but I feel like I have invested so much time and energy into this relationship to walk out now. Am I crazy to think that? I guess a part of me is looking for validation, I feel too emotionally involved to see things clearly.

[jellybean89]

Why are you with someone who routinely belittles you and disrespects you? From what you posted, he doesn't love you...you don't say those kinds of things to someone you love and respect.

 

Are you staying with him because he chose you over his family? Are you staying because you feel as if you have to since he divorced his wife for you? You don't have to stay with anyone who treats you poorly.

 

He sounds like quite a jerk.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Maybe he does it out of guilt, maybe it's because he's a jerk, maybe he feels theeatened by you. The truth is that it doesn't matter WHY he does it. It's abuse, plain and simple. It's about HIM, not you. YOU have to establish your own boudaries. When he starts, leave. Do not argue, do not share your feelings. State, I will not sit here and take your abuse, then WALK OUT.

 

I don't see this improving permanently. He's learned to take his misery out on other people. Your self esteem is your responsibility. Take it back.

 

I get that you've got a lot invested, but that investment only grows with time. Leaving won't get any easier.

[whichwayisup]

But lately he has been acting like a complete jacka** and get extremely angry and irritated with me over silly and minor things. He has been having severe mood swings where one day I'm the love of his life and the next day he can't stand anything I do or say. I'm not quite sure how to interpret his behavior, he has become very critical of me, sometimes I feel like he hates me and I don't understand what's going on. Whenever I try talking to him about it he either gets very angry and shuts me down or discards my concerns and belittles them. I

 

If a single guy you were dating was treating you like this, how long would you put up with it before you'd end it? Apply that logic here as well!

 

Fact is, your MM is not a nice person, he's mean! This is a guy who seems like he's content staying married and having you on the side. He can do and treat you any way he'd like and he knows you'll put up with him and stay the OW in his life.

 

Doesn't that PISS you off? If not, it should.

 

You deserve better. I hope you can end it and walk away from him. He causes you pain and heartache, treats you poorly and after a 2 year affair he's no closer from divorcing his wife. Please end it.

[Minnie09]

If a single guy you were dating was treating you like this, how long would you put up with it before you'd end it? Apply that logic here as well!

 

Fact is, your MM is not a nice person, he's mean! This is a guy who seems like he's content staying married and having you on the side. He can do and treat you any way he'd like and he knows you'll put up with him and stay the OW in his life.

 

Doesn't that PISS you off? If not, it should.

 

You deserve better. I hope you can end it and walk away from him. He causes you pain and heartache, treats you poorly and after a 2 year affair he's no closer from divorcing his wife. Please end it.

 

You obviously didn't read an of her posts.

He's already in a committed R with OP after his M ended.

Doesn't make it any better, though.

[whichwayisup]

You obviously didn't read an of her posts.

He's already in a committed R with OP after his M ended.

Doesn't make it any better, though.

 

I skimmed it and missed the part where it said he was divorced. Sorry about that Lexa.

 

My advice still stands, he is treating you very badly. Don't put up with it. If you love him do couples counseling together and hope he can change his ways, treat you better so you two can be happy. If he can't change and continues to be an a hole, you gotta end it otherwise you'll lose who you are in the midst of his cruelness and stay unhappy.

[fellini]

You obviously didn't read an of her posts.

He's already in a committed R with OP after his M ended.

Doesn't make it any better, though.

 

Hmmm... he is in a committed R, but it seems he is not.

His M ended, but it seems only technically. Lot's of WS's leave their M, hook up, think they are happy, and then find out that they are back in another unhappy R, and begin to re-evaluate the previous M.

 

How can anyone who is re-evaluating a previous M say "the M ended?" Since when are people tied to legal definitions?

 

At best this is a rebound R, at worst it is a R out of fear of being alone after a D. Either way the relationship began in an unhealthy emotional space, and now is erupting and externalizing.

[gettingstronger]

Are these the same types of things he said you about his ex wife? If so, ask yourself who he will be telling these things about you to next. Sounds like he thinks a little too highly of himself and not highly enough about others. You have a lot to think about before you decide to take even one more step with this person.

[Minnie09]

Hmmm... he is in a committed R, but it seems he is not.

His M ended, but it seems only technically. Lot's of WS's leave their M, hook up, think they are happy, and then find out that they are back in another unhappy R, and begin to re-evaluate the previous M.

 

How can anyone who is re-evaluating a previous M say "the M ended?" Since when are people tied to legal definitions?

 

At best this is a rebound R, at worst it is a R out of fear of being alone after a D. Either way the relationship began in an unhealthy emotional space, and now is erupting and externalizing.

 

Rebound or not, reevaluating or not......they've been dating two years and are about to get married, which I would avoid like the plague, for the above reasons . I'm sure he treated his previous W exactly the same way. The language he uses is a symptom of something that's wrong with him, and it's a pattern. He can reevaluate all he wants......won't t help if he won't work on his issues.

[jwi71]

Thank you for replying

At first I thought he was just stressed out and partially blaming me for the financial toll the divorce took and his inability to be around his kids as much as he wants, but I don't think that's the reason.

He repeatedly calls me the following:

Selfish

Spoiled

Egotistical

Rude

Stupid (this one he doesn't say literally but often implies)

And immature.

Now I know I'm not perfect but I don't believe myself to be all of the above either. While on a good day all he does is praise me for being a wonderful kind hearted person. Do you now see why this whole situation is very confusing for me?

Also, I recently lost a lot of weight I was never over weight or anything but I have been hitting the gym and really working hard on sculpting my body and all I ever hear him say is things like "I liked you better when you ate burgers" or " Do you think you can do better just because you lost some weight" and weird unsupportive comments that I don't really understand. Sorry I know this might be a bit irrelevant but I'm just trying to give you a general idea of his recent behavior so I can get an objective perspective.

 

In short he is abusing you.

This is verbal and emotional abuse straight out of the dictionary.

He is an emotional bully. He resorts to names calling because he has no other way of expressing himself.

 

Believe what you see. Its the real him.

And its ugly.

 

Run.

[goodyblue]

Nobody deserves to be treated this way. A good question asked by another poster was whether or not he said these things about his wife. If he did, you are seeing how you'll be treated for the next twenty years if you marry.

 

Anyone calling someone names like that is childish and that person needs to evaluate why he is feeling this way.

 

Another thing, just because you were his affair partner, and he left 'for you', so to speak, does NOT mean you are stuck. You can end it if you feel you are not a good match. Do not feel guilt, do not feel remorse, just end it if you don't want to be part of it any more.

 

I wish you luck.

 

xx

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Hot and cold is a screaming red flag for affair behaviour....ask most BSs about how their husband treated them during an affair....

[DKT3]

Could be a many number of things, most of which have been already stated.

 

Two years is the point were relationships go from honeymoon stage to being settled. My guess would be he is comparing you to the ex and seeing you as the reason the marriage failed.

 

Could be he has turned his attentions to yet another lady. Like the old saying goes the worse thing about getting involved with a cheater is, your involved with a cheater.

 

Could be 100's of thing.

 

The glaring fact is he is treating you like crap, and no matter how the relationship started you deserve better.

 

Marriage should not even be an option for you right now. Hell, a smart girl would run like the wind, and you seem like a smart woman.

[Lexalove]

Thank you all for your input, it has been very insightful. It's funny how I never really considered the things he said to be emotional abuse/bullying but now that so many of you have repeatedly agreed on it I'm seeing things differently.

You're all right, people don't change overnight. This has probably always been his personality but I'm just beginning to see it now.

I'm feeling a little sad, actually, I think I'm more disappointed than sad. I took a chance on love and didn't work out, it's frustrating how difficult relationships can be.

Wish me luck! This is going to be one hell of a break up.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Thank you all for your input, it has been very insightful. It's funny how I never really considered the things he said to be emotional abuse/bullying but now that so many of you have repeatedly agreed on it I'm seeing things differently.

You're all right, people don't change overnight. This has probably always been his personality but I'm just beginning to see it now.

I'm feeling a little sad, actually, I think I'm more disappointed than sad. I took a chance on love and didn't work out, it's frustrating how difficult relationships can be.

Wish me luck! This is going to be one hell of a break up.

 

Good luck, and stick to your guns!

[Poppygoodwill]

Now you know what his wife was dealing with, being his partner.

 

No one has the right to pull you down and chip away at your self-esteem. It's such a vicious cycle because of the way he treats you, you'll question your impulse to question hsi behaviour. And then he's got you.

 

This isn't going to change after you marry. if he's having second thoughts, if he's getting cold feet - or if this is just his way. Doesn't matter: the important thing to know is that *this is the way he treats you* when he's unhappy/stressed/lacking confidence.

 

If you deny your instincts which say 'leave him', and carry on to marry him, you will not be any happier than you are now.

[2sunny]

Thank you all for your input, it has been very insightful. It's funny how I never really considered the things he said to be emotional abuse/bullying but now that so many of you have repeatedly agreed on it I'm seeing things differently.

You're all right, people don't change overnight. This has probably always been his personality but I'm just beginning to see it now.

I'm feeling a little sad, actually, I think I'm more disappointed than sad. I took a chance on love and didn't work out, it's frustrating how difficult relationships can be.

Wish me luck! This is going to be one hell of a break up.

 

Good luck!

 

Do it knowing that this is the real him and he's just not nice.

 

Do it knowing you deserve way better than how he treats you.

 

Next time - train your man better/quicker! We train people how to treat us. You didn't speak up or break up when he STARTED his rude behaviors!

 

Leave him and don't look back! Don't allow him to try and talk you into "I'll change" because at THIS point he won't - with you.

 

He's manipulated you into "accepting" unacceptable behavior - and that's just not the right match for YOU when it makes you think less of yourself. He's had enough time to show he honors you - which he ruined his chances.

 

Leave him knowing you deserve respect and honor in a relationship.