To Tony, Sparkle, Kristine...this is long sorry

[Sticki]

First of all....I just wanna say THANK YOU for responding.

 

But I feel the need to explain something about this guy. (his name is Mike, BTW) Him and I were friends before we hooked up. We are in the same circle of friends. I dont know how it happened, but one night I took him home because he didnt have a ride, and we made plans for the next night, just the two of us. After that, we hung out every night ALONE. We went out on New Years with his best friend and his wife. I knew he had a bad rep, and he knew I knew. I used to tease him about it. He used to let me listen to messages from girls saying "Mike, why didnt you say hi to me last night when I saw you out? Why havent you called me in weeks??..." Him and I would go out, and he wouldnt talk to ANY OTHER GIRL, but me. I knew his game was running out.....fast. He knew it too. People were talking about "us".....everyone was like "Oh my god, Mikes actually serious about someone!"

 

And he was serious, for a little while. I think its cause we were friends first. He had a little more respect for me than these other sluts he used for one reason.

 

Anyways, what I am trying to say is that I am not MAD at him. I cant be. He didnt "play" me. He didnt hurt me. He just told me he didnt want anything serious. We were talking and when I said something about being friends, he said jokingly "oh, friends with benefits??" and I said "no.....you dont get benefits anymore!!!!" he said "i know, I was joking.....I wouldnt do that to you." I asked him what he meant by that and he said "I just know that I havent treated you the best lately, and I wouldnt use you like that....."

 

I respect him for doing what he did, kinda. We were never EXCLUSIVE. He could have slept with as many girls as he wanted to, behind my back, while continuing to sleep with me. But instead, he cut things off with me. I dont understand how he could change his feelings so fast from wanting to be with me everyday to wanting to be my FRIEND......but at least he didnt hurt me.

 

Im totally rambling. I am not trying to make excuses for him, I am just saying hes not a total dick because he really didnt HURT me.....I cant be mad at him for being the way he is. I kinda feel sorry for him. Unless he grows up, he will be alone.

[Oscar Wilde]

So he used a little more courtesy in letting you down...that was nice. So if the two of you are now friends again, I don't see why it should be relevant when you call him. If he is just a buddy, what's the deal with your question below.

 

He was a friend who sent an Email asking about you. So if he didn't hurt you and you are still friends, just answer his Email like you would anybody else's. Just don't make a big deal out of it.

 

Your description above puts a whole new spin on things. He plays with your feelings and then decides to let you down nicely because you are a long time friend. I really don't have a problem with that.

 

Your post here, however, implies that you still have feelings for him that are greater than a friend...otherwise you wouldn't want advice on how to handle his Email. You already know this guy is trouble for women he romances so why don't you just stay his pay for a while. I think that's a lot safer to do.

 

If you are friends, he's really not obligated to call or write every day, no matter what his habit is. He's off to conquer new ladies and he doesn't have quite as much time now. No problem with that, either.

[kristine]

O.K. he does get points for the honesty...starting off as friends is also a great way to get to know someone first without all the emotional attatchments. But you have to PAY ATTENTION to what you see and hear!!! I mean you listened to his recorder and that was a huge sign of things to come!!!

 

That is how I met my ex- through a group of friends. He was stunning and a quick wit and the woman loved him.. and it showed!!! We all went out as a group...water-skiing every weekend BBQ's, etc. At clubs I had a 1st hand opportunity to see him in action with the ladies!!! After a month of being friends things began to change. I thought "I want that man and I will have him" My friends were all going "Oh no!!! You know how he is." and they were concerned...because they cared. They saw it coming and I chose to ignore them. I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I was like the cat who stole the perverbial canary. I was really flattered that he was putting the full court press on me...I took things really slow but eventually caved. Now 1 year later and a lot of turmoil...he ended up true to form and is on to his next relationship. I give it 2 more months as he has not dealt with the issues he brought to our relationship...or his last 5 relationships for that matter that I know of.

 

I guess you just have to be honest with what you are looking for. If you are o.k. with just being friends...then be friends...but I know from personal experience this just didn't work for me. I needed him surgically removed from my life. I say if you can keep a cool distance...be unavailable and play the games that seem to be necessary to hook one of these types. Then go for it...I just found out in the long run it wasn't worth it for me. They usually need a ton of reassurance..mostly in the form of other woman and it is never ending. He has to go through it without you. I suppose you can stand back and watch..as a friend..but that seems a little masochistic to me. He seems to be testing you and waiting to see which way you'll fall. I read Sparkles post and was really happy for her...she did things right...gave him space and didn't fall for his B.S. I am sure that you will fare far better by keeping your dignity in place and let him know that friends is fine if left there. His friends w/ benefits comment was a real clear signal that he is testing the water with you. If I were you I would keep your distance until you figure out how you really feel. It sounds like you are hoping he will change his mind and want to be with you. He won't figure that out unless he has alot of time to miss you!!!

 

Good Luck!!!

 

First of all....I just wanna say THANK YOU for responding. But I feel the need to explain something about this guy. (his name is Mike, BTW) Him and I were friends before we hooked up. We are in the same circle of friends. I dont know how it happened, but one night I took him home because he didnt have a ride, and we made plans for the next night, just the two of us. After that, we hung out every night ALONE. We went out on New Years with his best friend and his wife. I knew he had a bad rep, and he knew I knew. I used to tease him about it. He used to let me listen to messages from girls saying "Mike, why didnt you say hi to me last night when I saw you out? Why havent you called me in weeks??..." Him and I would go out, and he wouldnt talk to ANY OTHER GIRL, but me. I knew his game was running out.....fast. He knew it too. People were talking about "us".....everyone was like "Oh my god, Mikes actually serious about someone!"

 

And he was serious, for a little while. I think its cause we were friends first. He had a little more respect for me than these other sluts he used for one reason. Anyways, what I am trying to say is that I am not MAD at him. I cant be. He didnt "play" me. He didnt hurt me. He just told me he didnt want anything serious. We were talking and when I said something about being friends, he said jokingly "oh, friends with benefits??" and I said "no.....you dont get benefits anymore!!!!" he said "i know, I was joking.....I wouldnt do that to you." I asked him what he meant by that and he said "I just know that I havent treated you the best lately, and I wouldnt use you like that....." I respect him for doing what he did, kinda. We were never EXCLUSIVE. He could have slept with as many girls as he wanted to, behind my back, while continuing to sleep with me. But instead, he cut things off with me. I dont understand how he could change his feelings so fast from wanting to be with me everyday to wanting to be my FRIEND......but at least he didnt hurt me. Im totally rambling. I am not trying to make excuses for him, I am just saying hes not a total dick because he really didnt HURT me.....I cant be mad at him for being the way he is. I kinda feel sorry for him. Unless he grows up, he will be alone.

[sparkle]

Hi Sticki,

 

Read ol' Oscar and Kristine's replies. I agree with them.

 

I think I understand what you said here. He did seem to change and became serious and interested in only you at one point. But then he seemed to revert back to his 'player' ways again, but ended things with you first.

 

I think he was being 100% honest about this:

He just told me he didnt want anything serious

I'm SURE he didn't want anything serious. And I'm sure he doesn't want anything serious now. You're friends, so remain friends with him. But be careful, don't let it cross the line over to 'friends with benefits'. Sometimes that line is crossed when you are vulnerable or when you least expect it.

 

He told you he doesn't want anything serious. Respect that and like him as JUST a friend, treat him as JUST a friend, and talk to him as JUST a friend.

 

I personally find it difficult to be 'just friends' with a guy I have feelings for. If you do too, then distance yourself away from him. That is the best solution.

[Sticki]

So he used a little more courtesy in letting you down...that was nice. So if the two of you are now friends again, I don't see why it should be relevant when you call him. If he is just a buddy, what's the deal with your question below.

 

He was a friend who sent an Email asking about you. So if he didn't hurt you and you are still friends, just answer his Email like you would anybody else's. Just don't make a big deal out of it. Your description above puts a whole new spin on things. He plays with your feelings and then decides to let you down nicely because you are a long time friend. I really don't have a problem with that. Your post here, however, implies that you still have feelings for him that are greater than a friend...otherwise you wouldn't want advice on how to handle his Email. You already know this guy is trouble for women he romances so why don't you just stay his pay for a while. I think that's a lot safer to do. If you are friends, he's really not obligated to call or write every day, no matter what his habit is. He's off to conquer new ladies and he doesn't have quite as much time now. No problem with that, either. You are right. I never said i didnt have feelings for him. But I am not HEARTBROKEN. I guess maybe part of it is that I wanted to be the one who "tamed" him. Im dissapointed. BUt at the same time I =cant help but wonder if maybe his email means more......probably not but thats why I asked!!!!!!

[Sticki]

O.K. he does get points for the honesty...starting off as friends is also a great way to get to know someone first without all the emotional attatchments. But you have to PAY ATTENTION to what you see and hear!!! I mean you listened to his recorder and that was a huge sign of things to come!!!

 

That is how I met my ex- through a group of friends. He was stunning and a quick wit and the woman loved him.. and it showed!!! We all went out as a group...water-skiing every weekend BBQ's, etc. At clubs I had a 1st hand opportunity to see him in action with the ladies!!! After a month of being friends things began to change. I thought "I want that man and I will have him" My friends were all going "Oh no!!! You know how he is." and they were concerned...because they cared. They saw it coming and I chose to ignore them. I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I was like the cat who stole the perverbial canary. I was really flattered that he was putting the full court press on me...I took things really slow but eventually caved. Now 1 year later and a lot of turmoil...he ended up true to form and is on to his next relationship. I give it 2 more months as he has not dealt with the issues he brought to our relationship...or his last 5 relationships for that matter that I know of. I guess you just have to be honest with what you are looking for. If you are o.k. with just being friends...then be friends...but I know from personal experience this just didn't work for me. I needed him surgically removed from my life. I say if you can keep a cool distance...be unavailable and play the games that seem to be necessary to hook one of these types. Then go for it...I just found out in the long run it wasn't worth it for me. They usually need a ton of reassurance..mostly in the form of other woman and it is never ending. He has to go through it without you. I suppose you can stand back and watch..as a friend..but that seems a little masochistic to me. He seems to be testing you and waiting to see which way you'll fall. I read Sparkles post and was really happy for her...she did things right...gave him space and didn't fall for his B.S. I am sure that you will fare far better by keeping your dignity in place and let him know that friends is fine if left there. His friends w/ benefits comment was a real clear signal that he is testing the water with you. If I were you I would keep your distance until you figure out how you really feel. It sounds like you are hoping he will change his mind and want to be with you.

You said:

 

He won't figure

that out unless he has alot of time to miss you!!!

 

THATS exactly why I dont wanna write him back! He can call me if he really misses me!!!!!

Good Luck!!!

Also.....He hasnt had a GF in 2 years.....so in all honesty, I cant judge him for being a player, because its not like he had a GF and cheated on her......all the girls he was with KNEW what his deal was. I just think in my case, he started to have feelings for me and wasnt ready to give up the game yet. SO he bailed.