Should I go back to her or stay with belittling relatives?

[Johnson1]

5 months ago I separated from my spouse of 32 years. It's by far the longest we've ever been apart. Over the last 15 years our marriage had gone down hill. Finally at 50, I worked up the courage to leave. My age, loneliness and desire for a normal intimate relationship made me go through with it even though my work history has been shaky. I was always fearful to do so because I'd never lived on my own (neither had she) and wondered if I could survive. We'd always had each other to depend on. Now that's gone and I'm scared to death. I'm stuck living with relatives who want to help, but who talk down to me and treat me like I'm 12.

 

It's a bitter pill to swallow at my age. My sister (who is 7 years older than me and whom I never go along with) was living alone because she drove out 2 husbands and her 3 grown daughters because of her negativity, bad temper, foul mouth, insulting ways, and egotistical attitude. She's a chain smoker who has no social life and is perfectly happy playing games on the computer and drinking cheap, watered down wine day after day.

 

I keep saying to myself, 'Is this what I left my ex for?' 'To live like this?'

 

Before I'd sold the home my wife and I owned, she convinced me to come stay with her by making me think we'd have to time of our lives. So far it's been anything but. The first week I was here her true colors came right back and she started ragging on me. Both my mother and my other sister advised me not to come here because they're aware of how my sister is, but I didn't listen. I let my loneliness after my wife had moved out cloud my better judgement. Now I'm stuck here with a house full of my belongings with Annie Wilkes and nowhere else to go except back to live with my father and stepmother, something I can't bare the thought of even though they offered. It's not because it wouldn't be better than living with my sister (it would be), but because of the stigma of having to go back to live with my parents. He's not as bad as my sister, but HE'S where she gets her personality from. I left his house at 20, and for me to return out of desperation 32 years later will only prove to me that I've failed in life and sink me further into depression which will only be viewed as laziness.

 

Not a day goes by that I don't think about crawling back to my ex (as bad as the indifference was). Not that she'd even take me back. She's perfectly happy being the church lady living in an apartment with our 2 grown kids (son 21, daughter 23, son-in-law, and our grandchild). All of whom hate me because I left their mother.

 

You see, I'd become the bad guy in the family because I was the one who tried to give guidance to our kids while my wife became their best pal and never said 'no' in order to stay on their good side. You know how that scenario goes.

 

What gets me is, my kids and son-in-law (who's a jerk) condemned me for divorcing my ex and ruining their plans for the perfect God fearing family, but they don't see how my ex didn't lift 1 finger to try and salvage our marriage. At no time did she say 'do you want to try counseling?' or 'I care about you, don't go'. Nothing like that. She just rushed out the door a week and a half after I told her I wanted a divorce to share an apartment with them. What irks me is the fact that they put it on ME to ask their mother if she wanted to go to counseling, when it was HER that really wanted an unspoken divorce. She treated me like garbage so I'd go through with it so she wouldn't look like a bad person in their eyes, and it worked.

 

My ex has always had this thing about going out of her to make people think she's so sweet and caring all the while treating me like garbage when they're not around.

 

As much as I'd rather not go back to her, I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck between the lesser of two evils I created for myself. I could try groveling back to her for the second time in 15 years and have the financial security of someone who didn't nag me, but didn't love me either, or I can stay where I am now, belittled and dependent on relatives for my current survival. No matter which I choose each day I'm swallowing my pride and dignity.

 

Which would you choose?

Edited May 17, 2014 by Vocals5

[KathyM]

Personally, I would choose moving back with your wife and children, and working on the marriage, going to counseling, working out issues. Taking proactive action in the health of your marriage. A lot of the times, the reason why people can't or don't work out marital issues is because they blame everything on their spouse without taking any responsibility for their own actions in the downfall of the marriage, and they expect their spouse to change before they will make any effort for change.

 

The problem is, when both spouses are so unbending that they refuse to change until their spouse does, no one changes because no one will make the first move towards repairing the marriage. Maybe it's time you took responsibility for your part, and you take action to repair the marriage. It would show your children that you don't give up, that you accept accountability for your actions/behaviors, and that you care about your family and making your marriage work.

 

I think that would be a good thing, a positive thing, and would certainly be no worse of a situation than you are in now. It has the potential to be a very positive thing if you will take action, and try to make it work. Call your wife and tell her you want to come home, you want to make it work, you will do whatever it takes to make it work, and that you owe her an apology for whatever you have done to have your marriage in the state it's in.

 

Don't blame her when you do this. Just take accountability for your part in the downfall of the marriage, and state your commitment to making the marriage work. Then, if she allows you back, get counseling to work on the issues that damaged the marriage, and work on building back the positives in the relationship.

Edited May 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BeingMe]

Ok,this is going to sound quite harsh. Reading your account, it sounds like you think that everyone else has a problem personality, except you. Have you thought that maybe you are the problem,as well?

 

You blame your wife for not suggesting counselling. YOU could have suggested counselling before you ended the marriage. Sounds like you were testing her/playing emotionally manipulative games, and are angry that you didn't get the response you wanted. YOU were the one who announced that you wanted a divorce. If you didn't want a divorce you shouldn't have said it. Now you're reaping the consequences of that choice.

 

Do I think you should get back with your wife? Not as you are now because your wife deserves better than a man who doesn't love her but just wants an easy place to rest his head for the night.

 

If you don't like living with your relatives, you could rent a studio flat, or a shared house. Stop blaming other people. Stop playing the victim. Take charge of your own life and happiness.