I don't talk to strangers

[Leeway Harris]

Yes, I realize that everyone I know was once a stranger, so I must have talked to strangers at some point or I'd have no friends or relationships at all.

 

But the clear majority of romantic relationships I've had, and almost ALL my friendships, were with people who made all the effort to get close to me. They "picked" me.

 

And I appreciated it, and once they were through my barriers I valued these people and did my best for them.

 

But I don't put myself out there for strangers. I don't "pick" anybody and I don't make any effort to get through other people's barriers. This means that, if I want any relationships at all, I'm at the mercy of whoever decides they'd like to get to know me.

 

I'd love to be someone who extends himself toward other people, but every time I've tried it feels like I'm walking through a minefield. There's SO MUCH that can go wrong, and I'm hyper-alert for it, just waiting for a bomb to go off.

 

I'm 38 and I've always been this way. I recognize the problem is with me, not with everybody else. I wonder if there's a way to fix it.

[Beanacre0]

Perhaps just take the time to talk with strangers in queues, etc. Don't even worry if you're going to see them again. If you start doing that, then you can build up to talking to people you want to become friends with

[Leeway Harris]

Yeah, I could do that. Problem is, when somebody does that to me, unless I'm in a really good mood, I'm annoyed by it. Even if it's a woman I think looks good, I'm like "Oh crap, what does this person want from me?" It's a horrible attitude, I know. Maybe I have some kind of social anxiety. But if I'm so irritated by strangers coming up to talk to me, it feels weird going up and talking to them. How do I know I'm not violating their space?

 

As for people I want to become friends (or more) with, well... I find I'm very, VERY rarely attracted to other people anymore. I used to be, but now it's extremely rare for me to think "I want to spend more time around THAT person." It could be because I've been disappointed in the past and I don't allow myself to feel attraction to others anymore, like I've subconsciously calculated the risk of rejection, and decided it's not worth it.

 

Or, it could also just be that I'm more comfortable with myself these days and don't have as great a need for other people. I do want friends and a lover, but I recognize the value of being alone too. I don't know.

[ThatMan]

I think your reaction is typical.

 

People generally spend the day tackling business and various errands. Chances are that many won't appreciate their plans being interrupted in certain ways. That's why attitudes begin to change once the day is over and more social settings begin - with the expectation that people are there to meet others.

 

The trick is really simple, day or night, just practice. Give compliments to random strangers and you'll slowly learn how to engage others in a way that leaves them more receptive to dialog.

Edited May 19, 2014 by ThatMan

[SYLLPalmer]

I love talking to strangers. Good thing because it is required for my job. The other poster is correct. Practice makes perfect. Once you receive a reward you will be more inclined to do it again.

 

With me I tend to shy away from familiarity. I guess I get spooked by expectations because I am "so funny" and am expected to be "on" and it gets exhausting. Regarding strangers I get rusty and develop phone phobia which causes problems for customer service again related to my line of work. I just have to push threw and force myself and when I see how it positively impacts the service the behavior is reinforced.

 

Work or social I believe practice is key.

[WeirdChick]

Yes, I realize that everyone I know was once a stranger, so I must have talked to strangers at some point or I'd have no friends or relationships at all.

 

But the clear majority of romantic relationships I've had, and almost ALL my friendships, were with people who made all the effort to get close to me. They "picked" me.

 

And I appreciated it, and once they were through my barriers I valued these people and did my best for them.

 

But I don't put myself out there for strangers. I don't "pick" anybody and I don't make any effort to get through other people's barriers. This means that, if I want any relationships at all, I'm at the mercy of whoever decides they'd like to get to know me.

 

I'd love to be someone who extends himself toward other people, but every time I've tried it feels like I'm walking through a minefield. There's SO MUCH that can go wrong, and I'm hyper-alert for it, just waiting for a bomb to go off.

 

I'm 38 and I've always been this way. I recognize the problem is with me, not with everybody else. I wonder if there's a way to fix it.

 

there is only one cure for shyness. Practice, Practice, Practice. Don't over- think or overanalyze people's comments or rejection. Overtime ou will develop thicker skin.

[littleplanet]

I'd say do what comes natural.

38 is a pretty fixed outlook on the world.

Obviously there are some pluses - if you're basically happy with yourself and where you're at. No-one rocks the boat.

 

But "being picked" instead of doing the picking - sort of takes you out of the picture, doesn't it?

(like mom's pre-arranged, pre-approved play date.)

 

My version of this is similar:

I never worried about trusting people.

I always worried about being trustworthy.

After years of arguing this with a very good friend - I finally came to understand the basis of the argument: I never worried about trusting people because I never gave them a chance to betray that trust - not really.

It is always a two-way street.

 

But your leopard spots aren't likely turn into tiger stripes.

If it is in your nature to be the way you are - then that's what you work with.

(maybe a little tinkering here and there might help)

otherwise - perhaps you don't need to fix what isn't broken.

[Leeway Harris]

This might sound weird, but isn't it somehow...wrong? To just go up to someone and start a conversation? I guess it mostly applies to men starting unsolicited conversations with women. It's like, nobody gave you permission to talk to her, and now you're putting her in a position where she feels pressured to respond.

 

littleplanet, getting close to someone and "giving them a chance to betray your trust" are inseparable, aren't they? You can't have one without the other, that's why it's such a gift when someone lets you get close to them.

[Potz4prez]

This might sound weird, but isn't it somehow...wrong? To just go up to someone and start a conversation? I guess it mostly applies to men starting unsolicited conversations with women. It's like, nobody gave you permission to talk to her, and now you're putting her in a position where she feels pressured to respond.

 

littleplanet, getting close to someone and "giving them a chance to betray your trust" are inseparable, aren't they? You can't have one without the other, that's why it's such a gift when someone lets you get close to them.

 

Ok, this is the problem with society.

 

We're all humans... we're all only on this planet for a finite amount of time... and we're all infinitely different specimens. Why the **** aren't people more excited to meet new people, even if it's only a few words? I LOVE meeting new people and learning their stories. I LOVE being friendly to strangers. People need to learn to share the love.

 

Just because someone talks to you, doesn't mean they want to sleep with you.

 

BUT if you talk to them, and there's mutual attraction, go for it.

[Iguanna]

I want you to read something. 2 years ago I just thought I'm a weirdo. Now I know. I wish everyone was getting educated about the matter as well.

[Leeway Harris]

Potz4prez, that's great that you love meeting new people and hearing their stories. That's a strength you have in your personality, whether you were born with it or developed it over time. I wish I had more of that trait in my own personality, probably most people do.

 

Here's something I also wonder: Isn't there a big difference between talking just to talk to somebody and talking because you have a reason to? Isn't there something a little off-putting about "trying to start a conversation" just for its own sake? Like, I have a shirt that I wear that I've gotten a lot of positive remarks on. People see this shirt and they just HAVE to say something because they think it's so cool. That's one thing.

 

On the other hand, sometimes people remark on something that just doesn't need to be remarked on, and it's obvious they're just talking to talk, because meybe they're feeling a need to connect with someone. Like, if I'm just wearing a regular shirt, and they're like "ooh, nice buttons!" or something like that. That's another thing.

 

And it's good and right and pure that someone should compliment my buttons as an excuse to connect with me, because why not? And I'll be friendly and grateful and as open as I can be to that kind of advance... but it does put a little more pressure on me, because now I'm providing another person with a needed feeling of connection. Which I'm happy to do, but I didn't ask for it, and if I'm not prepared for it, it might wen be unwelcome.

 

So, turn that around... How am I supposed to feel comfortable putting that kind of pressure on somebody else? Suppose I see a girl with a pretty bow in her hair, and I just feel I have to say "Hey, nice bow!" She might think I'm trying to generate one o those "for its own sake" conversations, and then feel social pressure to respond a certain way, which could lead to resentment if she's not in the mood, and before you know it, I've ruined her whole day. That's an extreme example, but shouldn't you be extremely careful when you're risking ruining another person's day?

[Shaun-Dro]

Yes, I realize that everyone I know was once a stranger, so I must have talked to strangers at some point or I'd have no friends or relationships at all.

 

But the clear majority of romantic relationships I've had, and almost ALL my friendships, were with people who made all the effort to get close to me. They "picked" me.

 

And I appreciated it, and once they were through my barriers I valued these people and did my best for them.

 

But I don't put myself out there for strangers. I don't "pick" anybody and I don't make any effort to get through other people's barriers. This means that, if I want any relationships at all, I'm at the mercy of whoever decides they'd like to get to know me.

 

I'd love to be someone who extends himself toward other people, but every time I've tried it feels like I'm walking through a minefield. There's SO MUCH that can go wrong, and I'm hyper-alert for it, just waiting for a bomb to go off.

 

I'm 38 and I've always been this way. I recognize the problem is with me, not with everybody else. I wonder if there's a way to fix it.

 

This sounds to me like a simple case in fear of rejection. The way to fix it is to not invest too much in your attempts in getting to know someone. Take things at face value; try not to read more into something and that'll make life easier.

Edited May 23, 2014 by Shaun-Dro
error

[Potz4prez]

Potz4prez, that's great that you love meeting new people and hearing their stories. That's a strength you have in your personality, whether you were born with it or developed it over time. I wish I had more of that trait in my own personality, probably most people do.

 

So, turn that around... How am I supposed to feel comfortable putting that kind of pressure on somebody else? Suppose I see a girl with a pretty bow in her hair, and I just feel I have to say "Hey, nice bow!" She might think I'm trying to generate one o those "for its own sake" conversations, and then feel social pressure to respond a certain way, which could lead to resentment if she's not in the mood, and before you know it, I've ruined her whole day. That's an extreme example, but shouldn't you be extremely careful when you're risking ruining another person's day?

 

Developed it over time. It took effort to break out of my shell. It's awesome out here, you should give it a try.

 

Hell, I'd just compliment them on the bow, give 'em a big ol' smile and see where it goes. If she's attracted to me, she'll have an open vibe and I can basically get away with talking about anything. If she's not, she'll be closed off like in your default assumption (self-depreciation... stop that), and I'll just go on my day knowing that I at least brightened her day a little with that compliment.

 

When you approach a girl, assume you're going to get a positive response. Otherwise, you're shooting yourself in the foot before the race.

[Leeway Harris]

D If she's not, she'll be closed off like in your default assumption (self-depreciation... stop that), and I'll just go on my day knowing that I at least brightened her day a little with that compliment

 

But you don't really know that. You could just as easily have darkened her day with an unwanted social overture.

 

How many times have you heard women lament that guys are giving them unwanted attention? Like, a zillion. And yes, I know a lot of women have the opposite complaint, that men don't approach, I've seen those threads too. What I'm saying is, even if there's a small chance that a woman will feel violated by "Hey, nice bow!" is it even morally correct to say it?

[Potz4prez]

I think you're thinking into it too much.

[Leeway Harris]

I want you to read something. 2 years ago I just thought I'm a weirdo. Now I know. I wish everyone was getting educated about the matter as well.

 

Iguanna, thanks. I've read stuff about introverts vs. extroverts before and I think it's interesting, but I can't help feeling it's way more complicated than that. There have been times in my life when I've felt extroverted, usually when I've felt more confident in myself. So at least in my case, the degree of "(X)vertedness" does depend somewhat on confidence.

[Iguanna]

Iguanna, thanks. I've read stuff about introverts vs. extroverts before and I think it's interesting, but I can't help feeling it's way more complicated than that. There have been times in my life when I've felt extroverted, usually when I've felt more confident in myself. So at least in my case, the degree of "(X)vertedness" does depend somewhat on confidence.

 

What depends on confidence is our social skill. If I'm an extrovert but I feel bad about myself, I will have trouble meeting people. The difference between introverts and extroverts is the way they "charge their battery". Introverts can take pleasure from socializing, but they must go home and recharge their batteries sooner than later cause the socializing exhausts them. Extroverts lose energy by being alone and they recharge by socializing. These differences have nothing to do with how good someone is at meeting people.

[irc333]

It's like, nobody gave you permission to talk to her.

 

Since when does someone need permission? LOL No one gave me permission to brush my teeth this morning, but I did it anyway.

 

I've struck up conversations with a woman in line next to me waiting on our coffee, didn't need her permission. It was associated with the holidays, so I had a reason (for the season) to say something.

 

I didn't even need permission to order the coffee either.

 

you're putting her in a position where she feels pressured to respond.

 

Thats HER problem, not mine. That's something she would need to overcome, but hey, she doesn't need MY permission to overcome it, right?

[irc333]

When I strike up a conversation with a woman I don't know well, I usually have good reason. Like I mentioned earlier, waiting in line for our food/coffee, it was the Christmas season. So I'd start off with 'So, you ready for the holidays?"

 

Stuff like that.

 

Surprisingly, I have befriended a female manager at a local Subway. I go there somewhat frequently during my lunch break. I suppose her seeing me routinely has caused a level of comfort with me and others from work.

 

Though I hadn't asked her out, she's very engaging with our conversations. Yesterday I had come in without my work uniform on (casual Fridays). She says, "Oh, are you off today?" And I said, "Nah, it's just casual Fridays at work".

 

Of course seeing each other routinely probably helped.

 

 

 

Potz4prez, that's great that you love meeting new people and hearing their stories. That's a strength you have in your personality, whether you were born with it or developed it over time. I wish I had more of that trait in my own personality, probably most people do.

 

Here's something I also wonder: Isn't there a big difference between talking just to talk to somebody and talking because you have a reason to? Isn't there something a little off-putting about "trying to start a conversation" just for its own sake? Like, I have a shirt that I wear that I've gotten a lot of positive remarks on. People see this shirt and they just HAVE to say something because they think it's so cool. That's one thing.

 

On the other hand, sometimes people remark on something that just doesn't need to be remarked on, and it's obvious they're just talking to talk, because meybe they're feeling a need to connect with someone. Like, if I'm just wearing a regular shirt, and they're like "ooh, nice buttons!" or something like that. That's another thing.

 

And it's good and right and pure that someone should compliment my buttons as an excuse to connect with me, because why not? And I'll be friendly and grateful and as open as I can be to that kind of advance... but it does put a little more pressure on me, because now I'm providing another person with a needed feeling of connection. Which I'm happy to do, but I didn't ask for it, and if I'm not prepared for it, it might wen be unwelcome.

 

So, turn that around... How am I supposed to feel comfortable putting that kind of pressure on somebody else? Suppose I see a girl with a pretty bow in her hair, and I just feel I have to say "Hey, nice bow!" She might think I'm trying to generate one o those "for its own sake" conversations, and then feel social pressure to respond a certain way, which could lead to resentment if she's not in the mood, and before you know it, I've ruined her whole day. That's an extreme example, but shouldn't you be extremely careful when you're risking ruining another person's day?

[Leeway Harris]

Since when does someone need permission? LOL No one gave me permission to brush my teeth this morning...

 

 

Thats HER problem, not mine. That's something she would need to overcome, but hey, she doesn't need MY permission to overcome it, right?

 

Everybody has different boundaries. Some people might get really annoyed and offended if a stranger talked to them without permission. In some cultures it's even illegal to talk to a woman without some kind of explicit permission from somebody, and before you say it, yes I know I don't live in one of those cultures, I'm just pointing out that there's no absolute standard, and you can't make any assumptions about where people's boundaries are.