handers79 Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 My husband and I just had another huge blow out last night. He has been acting distant and weird lately so I figured "the talk" was coming. He said that he is unhappy because I don't clean the house up to his standards and because I haven't attempted to lose weight like I said I would after I became pregnant. I work 50+ hours per week and have a two and a three year old son that go to daycare part time. I will admit that I am not the best housekeeper, but I'd like to see someone who works as much as I do that has two little kids that can keep a spotless home. The weight problem has been an issue ever since our three year old was born. He brings it up about every three or four months and it kills me when he does. Losing weight is not one of my top priorities right now, but I try to do what I can. I work on the road so I'm constantly getting fast food and eating all of the wrong things. When I asked him if he wasn't attracted to me anymore he said no and that he was still attracted to me. At first I was very upset and hurt that he would say that I need to lose weight. I just don't know how to feel now. Of course my best friend and mother think he's an insensitive jerk, but I needed someone's opinion who isn't emotionally involved. I definately don't feel like starting a new diet and exercise program now, but something deep down says that I should. I don't know if this is a sign that my husband is insensitive and doesn't really care about me, or if I'm reading too much into it. There are many other problems in our marriage from my vantage point, but he thinks that our marriage would be back on track if I lost weight and cleaned the house more often. I don't know what to think, so any input would be greatly appreciated!! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 obesity is at epidemic proportions in the U.S. you should at least make an attempt at losing weight cause of health reasons for yourself and cause of the kids. healthier parents have healthier kids. do it for the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 If you don't mind me asking, how overweight are you? ReluctantJuliette is about 45 lb over what she should be. I didn't mind in the bedroom (breasts are my thing and hers are great), but it did make me nag her a bit and drag her out to exercise because I worried about her long term health. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 my best friend and mother think he's an insensitive jerk here's an opinion from someone who isnt "emotionally involved"..............they are right. raising children is more than a full time job alone, and on top of this you are doing 50 hours?? he is being insensitive, and controlling, and you shouldnt be putting up with this crap from someone that has vowed to love you til death. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Depends on how much you've gained/ how overweight you are. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ he is being insensitive, and controlling, and you shouldnt be putting up with this crap from someone that has vowed to love you til death. oh yeah, right SAFFY. so when a man asks his woman to change a bit he is being insensitive and controlling but when the woman wants her man to change a bit she is just "improving" him. what a load of bullkrap! now i'm pissed off. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale oh yeah, right SAFFY. so when a man asks his woman to change a bit he is being insensitive and controlling but when the woman wants her man to change a bit she is just "improving" him. what a load of bullkrap! now i'm pissed off. erm where exactly did i say anything in my post about guys and improvisation, its all personal opinion Mr Male, personally i have never asked, and never would ask anyone to change for me. and hes not asking her to "change a bit".......hes criticising the way she keeps the home, despite the fact that shes raising young children and working 50 hours........and requesting she lose weight which requires exercise........im guessing the poster doesnt have time to CRAP nevermind workout. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale oh yeah, right SAFFY. so when a man asks his woman to change a bit he is being insensitive and controlling but when the woman wants her man to change a bit she is just "improving" him. what a load of bullkrap! now i'm pissed off. Does he do any housework? Because I think it's stupidly unfair if you work 50+ hours a week and still have to do all the housework. Seriously. Why is it solely the feminine responsibility to scrub? Because a guy has external gonads? How's his physique? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Well, it depends...do you sit and say, "I look so fat!" and then him suggest that, "Yes, you are...it's time to lose weight." Or are you like me, and get comments that you look fantastic, but hubby takes one look at you naked, and says, "WE need to stop eating out." Yes, he's gained thirty pounds since we've got married, but he isn't overweight by any means. He looks great. I've maybe gained ten pounds *if any* since we got married. So hmmmm...does he want me to lose weight, or does he want to lose weight, and looking at skinny me makes him think about it? What's his reasoning behind YOU cleaning the house? My husband and I agreed that I'd do the dishes and laundry, and he'd mow the lawn. Somehow, he got it in his head that it's ALSO my job to vaccuum and sweep I will on my days off if the house needs it, but I'm not going to worry about it. He acts like I'm a pig! If I leave a glass on my table, he'll nag me about it. I've seen him with trash all in his room, and I don't say anything because it doesn't bother me. But if he sees something in my room, he'll clean his room, and then say, "When are you going to clean this pig pen!?" UGH! I get sick of it...AND I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS!!! However, my husband makes twice as much as me so I guess he thinks that "i don't take care of our home" whatever. I guess he thinks that since he makes more money, that I should do more work around the house to...keep up my end maybe? Who the heck knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 There's nothing wrong with a husband communicating that his wife is overweight. There's nothing disrespectful about that unless he's calling you names, and constantly puts you down about it. As far as the housekeeping is concerned, he should share that responsibilty with you if you're putting in a full weeks of work. How long have you been married. If you're still, "newlyweds", the division of responsibilties are probably in the process of being established. If he expects you to work a full time job, he needs to split the housework with you. Plain and simple. Otherwise, tell him you'd be happy to keep the place spotless if you can quit your job. As far as your weight is concerned, I believe that your husband shouldn't be the motivation behind you working out, or going on a diet. That should be a personal choice. If your desire is to look your best for your husband, then go for it. If you're doing it just because your husband insists, then you insist he join you. he is being insensitive, and controlling, and you shouldnt be putting up with this crap from someone that has vowed to love you til death. How do expect any husband to approach his wife about a weight, housekeeping issue? Just keep his mouth shut and let it fester? I think not. He should be able to address it in a repectful way, and it sounds to me that he did. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 but he thinks that our marriage would be back on track if I lost weight and cleaned the house more often. as well as work 50+ hours per week and have a two and a three year old son oh come on, this woman is not superwoman........! How do expect any husband to approach his wife about a weight, housekeeping issue? Just keep his mouth shut and let it fester? I think not. He should be able to address it in a repectful way, and it sounds to me that he did. no of course he shouldnt keep his mouth shut. maybe sharing the housekeeping, and helping with the healthy eating/exercise might be a better approach rather than ultimatums? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 no of course he shouldnt keep his mouth shut. maybe sharing the housekeeping, and helping with the healthy eating/exercise might be a better approach rather than ultimatums? The truth of the matter is, there's a communication gap happening. It's one thing to tell his wife she needs to lose weight, and to keep the house up, and another to set down with her and explain his feelings and allowing her to do the same, and then come up with a compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Well, my first instinct is that he is kind of a jerk, and you could go ahead and agree with me all you want on that, but it's not really going to help your marriage. See what he thinks about compromise, such as if you agree to start dieting and exercising, but he pitches more around the house because of the time you lost to losing wieght. Also, you might want to look into some books on efficiency or something for the housework. I know of a mother who can throw together a healthy gourmet meal for her family in 10 minutes. She works 40-60 hours per week, stays in shape, keeps the house spotless, tends to the kids, etc. She truly is superwoman if I ever saw one. She told me that it's not how much you do, it's how efficiently you do it. She only does a 20 minute workout, 3 times a week to stay in shape. Also, it's easy to say that he is not pitching in with housework, but does he do other things that you aren't really counting, such as taking care of the lawn and yard, home repairs and improvements and maintenance, taking care of the cars, family finances and taxes and paying bills, etc.? Some women dismiss everything a man does for the household, but complain about not getting helped for housework. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob I know of a mother who can throw together a healthy gourmet meal for her family in 10 minutes. Hey VB...what is this?? Peanut butter 'n jelly on a croissant? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Hey VB...what is this?? Peanut butter 'n jelly on a croissant? Spaghetti-o's with parsley as a garnish. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Hey VB...what is this?? Peanut butter 'n jelly on a croissant? Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 No, seriously, the food she makes is sooo good!! I really don't know how she does it. It's not even human. Last time I was there, we had shishkabobs on the grill, a garden salad, some sort of potato cheesy casserole, and a chocolate putting concoction. It was all so good. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob No, seriously, the food she makes is sooo good!! I really don't know how she does it. It's not even human. Last time I was there, we had shishkabobs on the grill, a garden salad, some sort of potato cheesy casserole, and a chocolate putting concoction. It was all so good. Maybe cause she made it with love. Seriously though my Mom is a fantabulous cook. She usually does this thing where she makes like 3-4 dishes on sunday and freezes them, thawing as necesary. Sometimes she looks in the freezer and meals have mysteriously disappeared. Into otter's fridge, duh. My Mom was one of those work 60+ hours/week, clean the house all by herself, cater to every whim of her man, stayed in great shape and is referred to by my darling Mr.T as a "milf". She is completely insane, but I guess it's all about give and take. Personally I would just rather hire a maid. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 If you're BOTH working full time, make sure he's doing his half of the housekeeping and childrearing. And if he's not, tell him to STFU. Damn. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 "If you're BOTH working full time, make sure he's doing his half of the housekeeping and childrearing." Sure, as long as she is doing her share of caring of the lawn and yard, home repairs and improvements and maintenance, taking care of the cars, family finances and taxes and paying bills. Link to post Share on other sites
Author handers79 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo If you don't mind me asking, how overweight are you? ReluctantJuliette is about 45 lb over what she should be. I didn't mind in the bedroom (breasts are my thing and hers are great), but it did make me nag her a bit and drag her out to exercise because I worried about her long term health. I am about 30 lbs over what I was when we met. Most of it is in the breasts and behind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author handers79 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob "If you're BOTH working full time, make sure he's doing his half of the housekeeping and childrearing." Sure, as long as she is doing her share of caring of the lawn and yard, home repairs and improvements and maintenance, taking care of the cars, family finances and taxes and paying bills. We do both work full time. I do most of the housekeeping and childrearing. His "chores" are mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. We hire people for maintenance of the home and cars, I pay all the bills and take care of all the family finances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author handers79 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by Monday Well, it depends...do you sit and say, "I look so fat!" and then him suggest that, "Yes, you are...it's time to lose weight." Or are you like me, and get comments that you look fantastic, but hubby takes one look at you naked, and says, "WE need to stop eating out." Yes, he's gained thirty pounds since we've got married, but he isn't overweight by any means. He looks great. I've maybe gained ten pounds *if any* since we got married. So hmmmm...does he want me to lose weight, or does he want to lose weight, and looking at skinny me makes him think about it? What's his reasoning behind YOU cleaning the house? My husband and I agreed that I'd do the dishes and laundry, and he'd mow the lawn. Somehow, he got it in his head that it's ALSO my job to vaccuum and sweep I will on my days off if the house needs it, but I'm not going to worry about it. He acts like I'm a pig! If I leave a glass on my table, he'll nag me about it. I've seen him with trash all in his room, and I don't say anything because it doesn't bother me. But if he sees something in my room, he'll clean his room, and then say, "When are you going to clean this pig pen!?" UGH! I get sick of it...AND I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS!!! However, my husband makes twice as much as me so I guess he thinks that "i don't take care of our home" whatever. I guess he thinks that since he makes more money, that I should do more work around the house to...keep up my end maybe? Who the heck knows. I do not ever sit and say "I look so Fat" that's just not me. I try not to talk about it at all. When he says he needs to loose weight I always say "that's okay honey you lookfine." I don't ever get any good feedback about my looks from my husband. I think that in his mind I was Cindy Crawford when we got married 4 years ago and now I've replaced her. Our housekeeping situation is exactly like yours. He constantly nags me about picking things up and his one room of the house is trashed. We make just about equal money....he makes slightly more, but I worked while he went to college to get his degree. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 It's time to stop reinforcing him. When he says, "I need to lose weight" start giving suggestions how he can do it...dont' say, "You look fine!" Also, the fact that you're NOT worried about your weight spells to him that you don't care about your appearance...I guess. My husband was always saying, "We (including himself) need to lose weight" but he only said that around the time I'd get my period and would be bloated Link to post Share on other sites
Author handers79 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by Monday It's time to stop reinforcing him. When he says, "I need to lose weight" start giving suggestions how he can do it...dont' say, "You look fine!" Also, the fact that you're NOT worried about your weight spells to him that you don't care about your appearance...I guess. My husband was always saying, "We (including himself) need to lose weight" but he only said that around the time I'd get my period and would be bloated I do think that it would be nice to lose those extra 30 pounds...don't get me wrong. I just would rather spend quality time with my kids than go to the gym. I will admit that since I've had my kids my appearance has slipped dramatically on my list of priorities. I just don't know what to say to him when he comes home tonight. I am so mad at him right now that I feel like exploding, but I know that I definately shouldn't do that. One of the worst parts of this is that we're getting ready to go on vacation and now I don't want to be anywhere near him. How do I tell him how I feel? Link to post Share on other sites
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