Husband thinks I'm fat

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Monday

Also, the fact that you're NOT worried about your weight spells to him that you don't care about your appearance...I guess.

 

Right, at the gym I work out at i've talked to a few women and asked 'em why they work out so much.

 

A common response said jokingly is "oh, so that my hubby/boyfriend won't leave me". I believe there is much more seriousness to this than they let on.

[FolderWife]

You're probably right, alpha

 

I always worry that if my husband isn't attracted to me that he'll cheat on me or leave me for someone hotter. I keep forgetting that it's HIS responsibility not to break his wedding vows, and not mine.

[Moose]

I just would rather spend quality time with my kids than go to the gym.

Then do something with your kids that's physically good for you, jog with them, ride bikes with them, go on nature trials with them. Just don't use that excuse......that's all it is.

[handers79]

Originally posted by Moose

Then do something with your kids that's physically good for you, jog with them, ride bikes with them, go on nature trials with them. Just don't use that excuse......that's all it is.

 

I'm not using that as an excuse. My children are 2 and 3 so its a little hard to jog or ride bikes with them. We play soccer, baseketball and football, but its winter now so very hard to get out of the house.

[Moose]

I'm not using that as an excuse. My children are 2 and 3 so its a little hard to jog or ride bikes with them. We play soccer, baseketball and football, but its winter now so very hard to get out of the house.

Somehow I knew their ages would come up. There are jogger's strollers, and/or bike trailers for toddlers. I understand about it being winter, I hate the cold!

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by handers79

There are many other problems in our marriage from my vantage point, but he thinks that our marriage would be back on track if I lost weight and cleaned the house more often. I don't know what to think, so any input would be greatly appreciated!!

 

This guy is using your weight and housekeeping as an excuse. It's obvious that the real issues aren't being discussed. If you lost weight and kept up with the house, how much do you wanna bet there would be yet another excuse for the marriage being rough?

 

His tactic isn't going to motivate you to lose weight. You need to do it for the right reasons. Sometimes, having the drive to lose weight (like stopping smoking) is elusive until a switch is flipped. (At least that's what it feels like.)

 

First, you can hire Merry Maids to clean the house.

 

Second, pack yourself some lunch or fruit to eat in your car while commuting. Not for weight loss, necessarily, but to improve your health and so you won't be soooo hungry that you eat "too much" fast food. Maybe the weight loss will be an added benefit.

 

Third, get out a calendar and write out who does which chores when. Rotate chores, if necessary.

 

Now, when you lose weight . . . is he going to get jealous when another man looks you over? Will that be another excuse for the rough marriage? It seems some heavy-duty communicating and/or counseling would be in order. When you want to talk to him, you should feel "secure" about doing so and vise versa.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

Sure, as long as she is doing her share of caring of the lawn and yard, home repairs and improvements and maintenance, taking care of the cars, family finances and taxes and paying bills.

 

All things being equal....that ain't EQUAL!!!

 

What are we talking about here...changing the oil every 3000 miles? Mowing the lawn once a week 8 months out of the year? Doing the taxes once a year? Writing the bills once or twice a month?

 

That's supposed to be equal to being a full time nanny and housekeeper. With a full-time job in her spare time I suppose.

 

She should offer to trade chores!

 

You know my husband would NEVER say anything negative about any part of my body. And I'd never say anything negative about his.

 

If it were me, I believe I'd lose the weight alright. I might lose the husband too afterwards and find somebody with a little more tact. I can't imagine what he'll be like when she's old and wrinkley if he's this boorish now.

 

Get you a rich man next time, sweetie. Then you can stay home and cook and clean and keep your figure pretty.

[VirginiaBob]

"What are we talking about here...changing the oil every 3000 miles? Mowing the lawn once a week 8 months out of the year? Doing the taxes once a year? Writing the bills once or twice a month?"

 

That's some of it, but don't forget laying tile, mudding drywall, reroofing, hanging cabinets, painting, replacing windows, cutting down trees, replacing driveway as it ages, shoveling snow, hanging exterior christmas lights, raking leaves, splastering ceilings, building decks, rewiring outlets and lighting, planting trees, coaching kids baseball games, changing car batteries, alternators, filters, fluids, brakes, rotating tires (on more than one vehicle, mind you). This list could go on and on. Not to mention that a man is expected to just learn how to do these things from scratch even if they have no experience with them. Please don't dismiss all the things a man does for a household.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

This list could go on and on. Not to mention that a man is expected to just learn how to do these things from scratch even if they have no experience with them. Please don't dismiss all the things a man does for a household.

 

you forgot fixing the toilets and programming the VCR

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

 

That's some of it, but don't forget laying tile, mudding drywall, reroofing, hanging cabinets, painting, replacing windows, cutting down trees, replacing driveway as it ages, shoveling snow, hanging exterior christmas lights, raking leaves, splastering ceilings, building decks, rewiring outlets and lighting, planting trees, coaching kids baseball games, changing car batteries, alternators, filters, fluids, brakes, rotating tires (on more than one vehicle, mind you). This list could go on and on. Not to mention that a man is expected to just learn how to do these things from scratch even if they have no experience with them. Please don't dismiss all the things a man does for a household.

 

Oh, I'm not being dismissive Bob. I'm just saying that there's nothing in your list there that women aren't completely capable of. In fact, in my household, I do most of those chores.

 

My husband does them too. It just depends on who has the time and inclination.

 

I'm a better painter than he is. He can change the oil faster than I can....and we BOTH have appreciation for JiffyLube. (Although we're each capable of taking care of small repairs and maintenance.)

 

He's less likely to read the instructions when wiring, or to measure twice for deck building and framing, but more inclined to cuss his way through and get started. We are BOTH dismal roofers, and will work together on that because we both hate it.

 

I'm much more inclined to work in the yard, and will do any chore out there, including tilling the garden and removing small trees. I'm not goofy enough to try to overhead cut a large one with a chain saw like somebody has been known to do.

 

Right now, I do the bulk of the household chores, because I'm only working part time. He still does ALL the laundry though, and I do all the cooking. (Sweet deal when you can get it girls! )

 

While I don't think it's unreasonable for a spouse to speak up when their partner becomes obese, I do think that it's unreasonable to expect a woman to do the traditional wife and mother deal, and then work full time, and then have enough time to take proper care of herself.

 

And, if you do feel the need to speak to a partner about something that is apt to be critical, then you have to be damn sure that you're aware of their feelings.

 

{In my best Wicked Witch of the West Impression}=====> These things must be done d-e-l-i-c-a-t-e-l-y.

 

Handers79 obviously got hurt in this exchange. That was tactless of him, and NOT worth it. She could have the figure of a supermodel tomorrow, and do you think she'd forget how insignificant he made her feel today? It's a roadmap to resentment. Not worth it.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by alphamale

you forgot fixing the toilets and programming the VCR

 

OMG, I HATE THE VCR! Neither one of us can do that....we have to ask one of the kids.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Moose

There's nothing wrong with a husband communicating that his wife is overweight. There's nothing disrespectful about that unless he's calling you names, and constantly puts you down about it.

 

As far as your weight is concerned, I believe that your husband shouldn't be the motivation behind you working out, or going on a diet. That should be a personal choice. If your desire is to look your best for your husband, then go for it. If you're doing it just because your husband insists, then you insist he join you.

 

How do expect any husband to approach his wife about a weight, housekeeping issue? Just keep his mouth shut and let it fester? I think not. He should be able to address it in a repectful way, and it sounds to me that he did.

 

I agree. You should be doing all that you can to maintain your husband's attraction to you. You should be TRYING to look your best for your husband, but you've said you don't want to put the effort in. Maybe he's getting damn frustrated bc he thinks "jeez, I've made it clear that it is important to me that she maintain a healthy weight and yet she refuses to do anything about it..." He could be feeling that YOU don't care enough about HIM to put effort into your appearance! Have you ever thought about it that way?

 

And really, can you honestly say that if your H gained a bunch of weight you would have no care about it one way or the other? No, you would care! And you would say something about it, in as respectful a manner as possible - just as he did here.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by handers79

 

 

 

I do think that it would be nice to lose those extra 30 pounds...don't get me wrong. I just would rather spend quality time with my kids than go to the gym. I will admit that since I've had my kids my appearance has slipped dramatically on my list of priorities. I just don't know what to say to him when he comes home tonight. I am so mad at him right now that I feel like exploding, but I know that I definately shouldn't do that. One of the worst parts of this is that we're getting ready to go on vacation and now I don't want to be anywhere near him. How do I tell him how I feel?

 

Have you ever thought about the fact that if you exercised and ate better that you'd have MORE ENERGY - for your children, your husband, and even the damn chores!??

 

Originally posted by Moose

 

Then do something with your kids that's physically good for you, jog with them, ride bikes with them, go on nature trials with them. Just don't use that excuse......that's all it is.

 

Time, not wanting to be without the kids, etc...ALL EXCUSES. Your children need a role model. BE ONE, start first with your health and your appearance!

[SoleMate]

Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. You will think this book is written about you and your husband. Dr. Harley explains how every spouse has deeply felt needs that can only (or should only) be fulfilled by the marriage partner. Everyone's unique ( ), and typically men need sex, domestic support, admiration, and an attractive spouse. Women typically need affection, conversation, financial support and family commitment.

 

You work very hard, no question about that. You are way overloaded. It may be time to adjust some priorities. Reason: To maintain a happy marriage, you have to do a great job meeting his needs in a way that he likes, AND he also has do to a great job meeting your needs. You need some honest sharing, and creative problem solving.

 

Your husband may be a saint who would never leave you and never cheat on you. But you probably want him to stay with you, stay faithful to you, and STAY IN LOVE with you! He's disappointed in you and it is eating away at his love. He doesn't want to lose his love for you, and so he nags and badgers. The time to REALLY worry is when he stops asking and expecting you to meet his needs. After that, it's all downhill to the Family Law division of Superior Court.

 

You should have space in your marriage for each person to be honest about what isn't working. Diplomacy and courtesy are essential - but don't make him afraid to ask you for what he wants. Don't call him names because he wants you to remain roughly similar to the adorable woman he married. If you do, sooner or later a woman will appear who seems able to meet the needs you are leaving unfulfilled.

 

Losing weight is hard, but I bet even a little progress on your part would mean a LOT to him. Please consider it.

[nattfodd]

I think that, for any partnership to last, both partners must be satisfied with one another. If your husband is complaining, and you know that you have gained any amount of weight, perhaps you could try to lose that weight. Additionally, if your husband's behavior is upsetting you, he ought to try to ease up a bit.

 

Losing weight is not hard. Being considerate to the woman you love is also not quite difficult.

[Mr Spock]

I don't know of any women who have children and expect their husband to do an equal share. If they get it, I'm sure their heart explodes from the suprise.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I don't know of any women who have children and expect their husband to do an equal share. If they get it, I'm sure their heart explodes from the suprise.

 

 

lmao!

[Merin]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I don't know of any women who have children and expect their husband to do an equal share.

 

:Shrugs:

 

Damn, me either..

 

I skimmed the thread.. So..

 

Should your SO/Husband/BF whatever the case may be tell you "Yo, getting Fat aren't ya?" no probably not the most effective way to "inspire" her to loose the weight.. but IF this is an issue for HIM, then eventually it will be an issue for you BOTH.. so I guess I'm saying approach it from a different place.. while some women may still be pissed if you imply they need to loose some weight.. I still think how you approach your woman is going to determine a lot of the outcome.

 

The housework/little people/working full time issues..

 

Well.. I was married, have 2 little people, worked and still did the house thing and dragged my sorry butt outta bed to get the froot loops on the weekends for my peeps.. I also went to the gym, the salon and looked good not just for him.. but for ME.. just makes ya feel better and sexy (especially when you've got broken froot loops in your sheets where your kiddo's were watching toons know what I'm saying?)

 

My EXH's idea of cleaning the toilet was to sprinkle comet in there and flush it.. he wasn't/isn't the kinda guy who was concerned with things like that.. and one thing I can say I learned.. whats important to you, may not be important to him.. so if dirty socks on the floor and boxers hanging on the chair bother you, but they really don't bother him (and I mean really doesn't bother him he's not just doing it out of laziness or thinkin your the maid) then one of those deals.. is it worth fighting over to pick them up?

 

I'm not married anymore.. AND LOL not because he wouldn't clean up or fetch the froot loops.. other issues and a whole nother thread.. but I can tell you that my BF now.. his house is.. uh.. less than sparkling, usually the clean clothes are on the bed (unfolded) and the dirty clothes are on the floor (every where on the floor) although we don't live together.. when I go to his house, I clean things up for him.. BUT on the flip side.. when I need him to help me out on something I can't do myself (or I should say, shouldn't do myself ha!) he doesn't think twice about doing it..

 

Relationships aren't easy.. give and take, sh*t loads of compromise, a sense of humor, tact and diplomacy are always good too.. bottomline.. communicate.

 

Last thing here.. take care of yourself for YOU.. if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy;)

[mymojo]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

"What are we talking about here...changing the oil every 3000 miles? Mowing the lawn once a week 8 months out of the year? Doing the taxes once a year? Writing the bills once or twice a month?"

 

That's some of it, but don't forget laying tile, mudding drywall, reroofing, hanging cabinets, painting, replacing windows, cutting down trees, replacing driveway as it ages, shoveling snow, hanging exterior christmas lights, raking leaves, splastering ceilings, building decks, rewiring outlets and lighting, planting trees, coaching kids baseball games, changing car batteries, alternators, filters, fluids, brakes, rotating tires (on more than one vehicle, mind you). This list could go on and on. Not to mention that a man is expected to just learn how to do these things from scratch even if they have no experience with them. Please don't dismiss all the things a man does for a household.

 

how often do meals need to be cooked? how often does food need to be bought and stored, how often do dishes need to be done? How about that laundry eh?

 

Most of the chores you've listed aren't done in most households on even a YEARLY basis, if at all.Aside from sitting on their everwides in front of a computer monitor ogling porn and ragging on their wives what chores does the average man do on a DAILY basis ?

 

Btw,I am the sole breadwinner in my home and yet I'm the only one who ever gets down on my hands and knees to scrub the shiat streaked

toliet bowl that 3 people use,why do you think that might be ? My SO cooks but so do I, he'll "straighten up" but that doesn't include running a vacumm,

or mopping a floor or scrubbing out the shower that only he uses.. those jobs fall to me.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by mymojo

what chores does the average man do on a DAILY basis ?

 

Btw,I am the sole breadwinner in my home and yet I'm the only one who ever gets down on my hands and knees to scrub the shiat streaked

toliet bowl

 

he'll "straighten up" but that doesn't include running a vacumm,

or mopping a floor or scrubbing out the shower that only he uses.. those jobs fall to me.

 

unfortunately MYMOJO, if your man did start regularly cleaning the toilet, vacuuming, mopping the floor and scrubbing the shower you would get up and leave his henpecked ass for a REAL MAN who doesn't do any of these things.

[_Saffy_]

having skimmed through the latest posts, i may have missed it, but i dont think we have yet found out how the hubby actually comments about the weight loss..........we dont know if hes being nasty and say "hey have you SEEN the size of ya butt lately"......or if hes saying "hey hunny, ya know i love you but you looked so damn hot when we met" (and you looked just like cindy crawford)

 

 

personally, i would draw up the house chore rota, and STICK to it!

 

next time he brings up HIS weight gain, tell him "YES you COULD use losing a few pounds too, lets do this TOGETHER"

 

 

yes raising young kids and finding time to exercise is hard.......very damn hard, get a stationary bike or a tread mill, invest in a pile of exercise videos you can do at home, get a skipping rope or a hula hoop, run up and down the stairs 10 times a day, there is no excuse for finding 20 mins a day to do a little bit of exercise, and these can all be done when the kids are napping/sleeping. walking really is the best exercise when you have young un's and little free time, plus the kids benefit from the fresh air, so get them in the stroller and walk,walk,walk. 15/20 mins a day and you will notice a significant difference in a month.

 

one of the LS'ers mentioned making ya own food and keeping it with you while ya driving........excellent advice, pasta, salad, fruit, theres heaps of stuff you can munch on until you can get to a place to eat something that isnt loaded with fat and calories.

making meals and freezing them is a good way of making sure you always have something healthy at hand when you get home after a hard day.

 

the truth is, despite what is thought of your hubby, you came here and posted, so this must be bothering YOU. so with a bit of extra organisation, you can make small changes that will make you feel good, give you extra energy, and a little bit of a personal boost........resulting in happier family life all round.

[VirginiaBob]

"how often do meals need to be cooked? how often does food need to be bought and stored, how often do dishes need to be done? How about that laundry eh?"

 

In the same sense, though, these are easy chores to do and don't require extensive amounts of research. A child can do these things and probably a monkey, if trained properly. And they are not exactly backbreaking or difficult. Try crawling around in a attic or crawlspace installing insulation on a hot summers day with all the bugs, snakes, and rodents, and you'll know what I mean.

 

"Most of the chores you've listed aren't done in most households on even a YEARLY basis, if at all."

 

When with my ex-fiance, I did these things a lot more than once a year. Honestly, she had a list of 268 home improvement projects that she expected me to do to the house. She actually wrote this list up in Excel, with a timeline on when I should have them done - I know - control freak city. Not to mention that besides the house that we lived in, she also had a town house that she was renting - and guess who the maintenance man on that was? And this was on top of me picking up her kids from daycare after work and cooking dinner everyday, since she supposedly didn't grow up with a mother that taught her to cook. Also, besides working 50 hours a week, I also was taking classes in the evenings towads my Master's degree so that I could further finacially support her and her kids from her previous marriage.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

"how often do meals need to be cooked? how often does food need to be bought and stored, how often do dishes need to be done? How about that laundry eh?"

 

In the same sense, though, these are easy chores to do and don't require extensive amounts of research. A child can do these things and probably a monkey, if trained properly.

 

Damn Bob....where can I get me one of those trained monkeys???

 

Seriously, how did that make you feel?....knowing that everything you were doing already wasn't good enough? I can't help but notice that the woman who was overburdening you with maintenance chores is now your "ex".

 

That's the point. If Handers79 is already overburdened on what she is doing, then all she's hearing is "do more, because it ain't good enough". Everything that she is already accomplishing in a day goes unappreciated.

 

When you're already doing it all, who needs this kind of aggravation?

 

If she's overweight, I seriously doubt that the issue has escaped her attention. She already knows it.

 

I'm not seriously suggesting that she divorce her husband right now because he stuck his foot in his mouth. But Hander79 would do well to follow SoleMates advice and take steps NOW to get the marriage on course.

 

Otherwise, I guarantee you there will come a day when her resentment has built up. Putting up with an inconsiderate husband will fall well to the bottom of her "to do" list.

[_Saffy_]

well said lady jane........

 

i guarantee when Handers79 has been pushed so far that she can work 50+ hours a week, that she has lost the extra 30lbs, when she can manage the kids and the household chores alone, combined with the fact that shes gonna feel great about herself because shes become superwoman............she's gonna realise that she dont need no nagging inconsiderate hubby to put a damper on her shyt.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

well said lady jane........

 

i guarantee when Handers79 has been pushed so far that she can work 50+ hours a week, that she has lost the extra 30lbs, when she can manage the kids and the household chores alone, combined with the fact that shes gonna feel great about herself because shes become superwoman............she's gonna realise that she dont need no nagging inconsiderate hubby to put a damper on her shyt.

 

At that point, only a superman is going to be good enough for HER.