Husband thinks I'm fat

[mymojo]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

"how often do meals need to be cooked? how often does food need to be bought and stored, how often do dishes need to be done? How about that laundry eh?"

 

In the same sense, though, these are easy chores to do and don't require extensive amounts of research. A child can do these things and probably a monkey, if trained properly. And they are not exactly backbreaking or difficult. Try crawling around in a attic or crawlspace installing insulation on a hot summers day with all the bugs, snakes, and rodents, and you'll know what I mean.

 

"Most of the chores you've listed aren't done in most households on even a YEARLY basis, if at all."

 

When with my ex-fiance, I did these things a lot more than once a year. Honestly, she had a list of 268 home improvement projects that she expected me to do to the house. She actually wrote this list up in Excel, with a timeline on when I should have them done - I know - control freak city. Not to mention that besides the house that we lived in, she also had a town house that she was renting - and guess who the maintenance man on that was? And this was on top of me picking up her kids from daycare after work and cooking dinner everyday, since she supposedly didn't grow up with a mother that taught her to cook. Also, besides working 50 hours a week, I also was taking classes in the evenings towads my Master's degree so that I could further finacially support her and her kids from her previous marriage.

 

Obviously then "trained monkeys" don't grow on trees or we'd see loads of guys with them instead of wives eh?

 

Btw, those daily chores are time consuming and for the most part boring! they also usually MUST be done if anyone is to eat,have a clean shirt or a dish.

[VirginiaBob]

It's funny though, before that relatinship, I would have never thought I'd allow myself to be controlled like that, and looking back, I must have been insane. Once you are in it though, you don't realize how bad it is. Never again. The sad part is she actually left me because I wasn't a "real man" anymore for doing all this stuff for her.

[Moose]

I don't know of any women who have children and expect their husband to do an equal share. If they get it, I'm sure their heart explodes from the suprise.

This is why Mrs. Moose doesn't work. Then I get hazzled by people, even on this forum, saying that I insist she stay home and keep the house clean, that I'm suppressing her wish to go out and join the workforce. If you knew how happy she is with it, you'd understand, and she does have time to keep herself fit, but Man, a person can't win. I get criticized either way I go.

She actually wrote this list up in Excel, with a timeline on when I should have them done - I know - control freak city.

Man, you lost something good there! I wish Mrs. Moose would make me a list. Really! That way I'd know for sure that she's getting what she expects from me, I'm depositing into her love bank, and she doesn't have an excuse that I'm lacking.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

It's funny though, before that relatinship, I would have never thought I'd allow myself to be controlled like that, and looking back, I must have been insane. Once you are in it though, you don't realize how bad it is. Never again. The sad part is she actually left me because I wasn't a "real man" anymore for doing all this stuff for her.

 

I think that's true....hindsight being 20/20 and all, you can't really see your situation from the inside. It's too bad though, that it always seems to take a crisis for people to get perspective.

 

I'm sure you realize that you're better off without someone who was capable of saying such hurtful things to you.

 

And there are still women out there who appreciate a man that's handy around the house.

 

 

Originally posted by Moose

This is why Mrs. Moose doesn't work. Then I get hazzled by people, even on this forum, saying that I insist she stay home and keep the house clean, that I'm suppressing her wish to go out and join the workforce. If you knew how happy she is with it, you'd understand, and she does have time to keep herself fit, but Man, a person can't win. I get criticized either way I go.

 

You're a lucky man Moose. You managed to find the ONE woman in America who would put up with you!

 

I'm kidding. I'm kidding! I have no problem with that as long as Mrs. Moose is happy in her choice.

 

You are lucky though. Division of labor is a huge issue in families today, because sooooooo many need two incomes to make ends meet.

[mymojo]

Originally posted by Moose

This is why Mrs. Moose doesn't work. Then I get hazzled by people, even on this forum, saying that I insist she stay home and keep the house clean, that I'm suppressing her wish to go out and join the workforce. If you knew how happy she is with it, you'd understand, and she does have time to keep herself fit, but Man, a person can't win. I get criticized either way I go.Man, you lost something good there! I wish Mrs. Moose would make me a list. Really! That way I'd know for sure that she's getting what she expects from me, I'm depositing into her love bank, and she doesn't have an excuse that I'm lacking.

 

I'm a middle aged woman who supports a man, your hair would curl in

shock at the kinds of comments that fact generates at work and social functions,they make being criticzed sound like a vacation

[alphamale]

Originally posted by VirginiaBob

The sad part is she actually left me because I wasn't a "real man" anymore for doing all this stuff for her.

 

Yep V.B., that's about the way it works. Once a woman figures out she can walk all over you and that you've lost your backbone then she is usuallly history.

 

Sad, but it's the truth. That's why ya can't treat 'em too well.

[Moose]

Yep V.B., that's about the way it works. Once a woman figures out she can walk all over you and that you've lost your backbone then she is usuallly history.

When are you going to realize that women rule the world Alpha??? Give it up man......it's not as bad as you think! I haven't lost my backbone either, I might deal with the truth differently, perhaps a little smarter than the average bear......not meaning to insult you, but if you've lost your backbone, you evidently don't know how to deal with women.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

i guarantee when Handers79 has been pushed so far that she can work 50+ hours a week, that she has lost the extra 30lbs, when she can manage the kids and the household chores alone, combined with the fact that shes gonna feel great about herself because shes become superwoman............she's gonna realise that she dont need no nagging inconsiderate hubby to put a damper on her shyt.

 

Excellent.

[izzybelle]

a few thoughts here from someone who had also gained over 30lbs after kids......

 

i too worked 50+ hours per week, kept the house marginally clean (i'm by no means an excellent housekeeper), i did the majority of the yard work, changed oil in the cars, or saw to the other maintenence, and took care of 2 kids. my H cooked which for all of our sakes was definitely a good thing!

 

i had convinced myself that i didn't have the time to work out, i was too tired, always running around, fast food was easier, my metabolism had changed etc., etc. when i turned 40 i realized that those were all just excuses. i discovered roller blading which for me was ideal. i didn't have to go anywhere, just put on my skates and take off. within a few months most of the weight had gone, i had more energy and just felt so much better about myself! needless to say i now weigh less than i did when i got married!

 

and as for the "trained monkeys" my exH has discovered that there is such a thing, AKA his kids. he did little around the house when we were married and the kids have taken over most of the household responsibilities now. and as i've explained to my kids, his house, his rules and that's all there is to it. but.... i did put my foot down when i found out he had my 11 yr. old daughter who BTW is the size of a typical 9 yr. old mowing the lawn. not acceptable because of safety issues and i will admit i was the "witchy" exW but there was no way i was allowing my daughter to be in a potentially deadly situ because he didn't feel like mowing the lawn!

[Lil Honey]

In any relationship there has to be some give-and-take. It's called compromising. BOTH people should have an understanding of the compromises. That comes with communication.

 

No matter how tainted one's view of the opposite sex, another person won't treat you poorly unless you ALLOW it to happen and/or you are with the wrong kind of person.

 

However, I have old-fashioned views of why some of these things don't work out.

[Matilda]

I had 30 extra pounds that stayed with me after the birth of my twins. I also was too overwhelmed with taking care of the twins, and their sister, for 2 and a half years after they were born to even think about losing the weight. My husband was kind enough not to say anything directly to me about my weight, but I knew he would prefer me to be thinner. And even though he didn't say anything to me, I felt unattractive. I also felt resentful of him, that he didn't love me for who I was, instead of what I looked like.

 

Of course he did, and does, love me for who I am, but he is also sexually attracted to women who are fit and slim, and that's just the way it is. I could spend a lot of time feeling resentful about that, and I have done that, and sometimes still do it, but it really won't change anything. I do believe, if for some reason, I was incapable of losing weight, my husband would still love me, however that isn't the case.

 

I did lose the 30lbs. when my twins were about 2 and half years old. I went to weight watchers and lost it over about 4 months. It was actually pretty easy once I got going. I did not workout or exercise formally when I did this, and still don't. Going to weight watchers just helped me get back to eating healthily, and in moderation again. I kind of enjoyed going to the meetings, and the feeling of success when I lost weight. I actually finally decided to go to weight watchers after going to the mall and seeing a dress I liked, but knew wouldn't look good on my heavier figure. I just decided I wanted to look good again, for myself. It feels really good now to know that even though I am in my forties, and have had 3 kids, I am still about the same weight I was in high school (and less than what I was in college ).

 

I do think, if your husband wasn't tactful about telling you he thought you needed to lose weight then that was wrong. I also think it isn't right of him to criticize your houskeeping when you are already feeling overwhelmed with all of your responsibilities. However, I think if you want to make progress in your marriage, you're going to have to move on from feeling resentful, and start looking at some real ways to make changes in your marriage. I thought SoleMate's suggestions were really good. I have read another of Dr. Harley's books "The Five Love Languages", and I also recommend it. I think <removed> has a lot of helpful information on it. I highly recommend you and your husband to the emotional needs questionnaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

My husband and I did it, and we learned a lot about each other, and found out we were both actually on the same page about some issues we each thought we had differing ideas on. For instance, I learned that physical appearance was not as high a priority for my husband as I thought it was.

[Moose]

Matilda, great advice!! The, "Love language", is where I got this:

Man, you lost something good there! I wish Mrs. Moose would make me a list. Really! That way I'd know for sure that she's getting what she expects from me, I'm depositing into her love bank, and she doesn't have an excuse that I'm lacking.

There's a major difference between being, "pussy whipped", and making deposits. Trying to make others decipher the difference is next to impossible!!!

[CaGirl1980]

Okay I haven't really read through all of the posts, just a few. However I do have a lot of experience with being overweight. I had gastric bypass surgery a year ago and have since lost 150lbs. I know how hard it is to lose weight and that there is a lot more involved than just eating right. I know that for myself my husband was mostly concerned with my health issues. He has always said that he was attracted to me but that of course he thinks I look a lot better now. I don't know how overweight you are, but if it's just a few pounds then I would tend to think that he's not being reasonable. If it is a health issue then it will have to be eventually taken care of, but it's not anything that anyone else can do for you. It's something that definitely comes from within and is something that you have to really WANT to do or else it just won't work. I know it is very hard to find good food on the go, but the fast food never makes people feel good, and it doesn't have all of the nutrients that we need. I'm sure you've heard that a million times but it's really true. Once you're ready, eating healthy food and exercising will really make you feel a lot better about yourself overall Weight doesn't affect the kind of person you are inside, just always remember that.

As for the cleaning I would definitely agree with the others that have responded. If you are both working the same amount of hours then the house cleaning should be split too. My husband and I both work full time and go to school and we have everything split up. We do not have children so I'm sure that makes things a little easier but there's no excuse for him not helping. It's a partnership and he should be pulling as much weight as you are. Anyways, good luck!

[CoolAunt]

Can 30lbs really make or break a marriage? I mean, I can understand that it could affect a couple's sex life and therefore indirectly affect a marriage. But is it really possible that a marriage would improve just by one of the partners losing 30 lbs?

 

Btw, Weight Watchers is still a diet favored by nutritionists. Low calorie, balanced diet.

[Merin]

Originally posted by CoolAunt

Can 30lbs really make or break a marriage? I mean, I can understand that it could affect a couple's sex life and therefore indirectly affect a marriage. But is it really possible that a marriage would improve just by one of the partners losing 30 lbs?

 

Btw, Weight Watchers is still a diet favored by nutritionists. Low calorie, balanced diet.

 

I don't think 30lbs can break a relationship.. I tend to think it's a lot of other things, and the 30lbs is the thing on the table *so to speak* because it seems more tangible to debate then the other problems in the relationship.. make sense to anyone else?

[Moose]

Can 30lbs really make or break a marriage? I mean, I can understand that it could affect a couple's sex life and therefore indirectly affect a marriage. But is it really possible that a marriage would improve just by one of the partners losing 30 lbs?

That's an interesting question. To summarize my opinion is that yes, it can make a marriage, but it should break a marriage. And lastley,I do believe a marriage could improve, immensley, after one or the other loses 30 lbs if he/she is overweight by that amount.

[CoolAunt]

Originally posted by Moose

That's an interesting question. To summarize my opinion is that yes, it can make a marriage, but it should break a marriage. And lastley,I do believe a marriage could improve, immensley, after one or the other loses 30 lbs if he/she is overweight by that amount.

So that's pretty much yes, 30lbs can kill or save a marriage.

 

Okay. Is it just fat? Or can any new unattractive qualities do it? Examples: baldness, burns and scars, loss of limb(s), sagging skin, warts, boils, etc.

[Moose]

Originally posted by CoolAunt

So that's pretty much yes, 30lbs can kill or save a marriage.

 

Okay. Is it just fat? Or can any new unattractive qualities do it? Examples: baldness, burns and scars, loss of limb(s), sagging skin, warts, boils, etc.

I hate to admit, but yes. Not neccessarily me, or my wife, but there are, (unfortunatley), people who are superficial, inconsiderate, materialistic non caring jerks who only care about themselves and how they feel. They're cold hearted, don't give a flying rats ass who's feeling get hurt, or who's heart they break. But I don't harbor any bad thoughts about them, no.......not me!

[Carrie]

I did not read all the replies here so excuse me if I am repeating what I am about to post.

 

You SHOULD care about your appearence .... I would be pissed off If my guy married me and then slouched and gained 30lbs. I understand you are women and had two children but you don't seem to want to change what is causing the greif in your marriage these days.

 

Housework is a second time job ... You need to work together here... if he is not willing then, he should say nothing about how you go about keeping house...

[dangel]

I didn't say anything to my wife after she gained 30 pounds. In fact, I told her I thought she looked better with the extra weight... big mistake. She is now over 100 pounds heavier. Your husband may be doing you a favor in the long run.

[mental_traveller]

You are too busy to lose weight? Utter nonsense. You can lose weight doing only 2 hours a week exercise. In fact, you could lose a lot of weight just not eating junk food - this would take no time at all. Losing weight is very simple - eat less calories than you burn. You do this either by burning more (exercise), or eating less (diet). The latter takes almost no time at all, the former does not take much time. Unless you have some kind of serious medical condition, the only reason you are fat is because you can't be bothered not to be.

 

Plenty of men and women all over the world work a lot more than 50 hours, have more kids than you, and still manage not to become overweight. Fact is, in places like the US, half the population is clinically obese. The reason is simply lack of discipline and motivation to look after their body and physical condition. I suggest you stop making excuses, stop stuffing your face with junk food, and start sweating off the pounds.

[hotgurl]

I had to speak up. losing weight is hard. Don't look at it as losing weight look at it being healthy. he should help out more as well. I know I work and have an hour commute and a child. So it's wake upget her dressed come home pick her up make dinner do chores, homework well then it's 8. If he made time for you to exercise by doing more around the house.

 

Also not all people are over weight because they are lazy. I am 20-30 lbs heavier then I want but unfortunatly I have a condition that makes me insulin resistant so I easily put on weight. I can eat 1000 and gain weight it's horrible. If I slip a little with my diet up I go and then i can't take it off.

 

So I think her husband should cut her some slack. Especially after child birth your metabolism changes and you can't eat then same things. Or put his money where his mouth is. If he was really concerend he'd help her and not just b*tch about it.

[chrishasaproblem]

Well, it seems that you can probably tell whose replys are male and whose are female. I want to empathize with you a little. When women have children, there whole body changes. Some women/men have good genes, so have slow-metabolic genes. It is hard to work all of those hours, take care of two small children, cook, clean, and then look like a model. I would always encourage any woman to try to be healthy because it will make YOU feel better. However, if he is belittling you, and that is usually what it is when a husband relentlessly brings up the weight issue because you don't look like he wants you to look. I am really sorry that this is so important to him as it is so many men. Sometimes, I just want to blame our culture for "mental models" that most men have for women. I also blame pornagraphy. Does he have a problem with this? Hang in there.

[Rosewilt]

I read your thread and thougght what a *7^%@Q!!!!

 

You HAD 2 of his kids!!!!!!!!!

You work!!!

You take care of those babies!!!

most importantly....you dont need someone telling you that you fat.

 

 

Loose weight FOR YOU!!!!!!!!FOR YOU!!!!!TO be healthy and disciplined.

 

I PROMISE TO ME I WILL LOOSE 5 pounds by the end of this month.

 

And when we do loose the weight....dress sexy...do your hair ...throw on some lipstick and dont give him YOU

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by chrishasaproblem

Well, it seems that you can probably tell whose replys are male and whose are female.... I also blame pornagraphy. Does he have a problem with this? Hang in there.

 

 

No you can't tell, unless you're so prejudiced that you can only see what you're expecting to see. Guys and girls have lined up on both sides... not to mention that a lot of the opinions are quite nuanced.