Haydn Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 I don't think you should send anything. Leave him be. You need to work on yourself before you rush back into this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 I don't think you should send anything. Leave him be. You need to work on yourself before you rush back into this. Although this might be the standard response and good advice for anyone in a "normal" relationship, in this case it is different. Her ex isn't aware of her medical condition and as such will relate why she is like she is because she is a "loony" or "mad" or something similar. The only reason I suggest making him aware of her medical condition is so he can have greater understanding of why she has been acting how she has. From any "normal" person that kind of behaviour would make most people upset and flee. From someone who has suffered domestic violence and all the fall out that it creates these types of behaviours are more part of the effects of the DV. She can definitely work on herself but it is likely she will live with the scars of this for the rest of her life effecting many aspects, whoever her partner is needs to have understanding of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 18, 2014 Author Share Posted May 18, 2014 Mm, I understand it'll take some time for me to muster the courage to actually send it physically. So I will sit on the letter for a bit but I will eventually send it. I do know that I've been bombarding him with contact and that he is probably scared to see anything from me at the moment. I remembered that the reason he said we should break up was because I pushed him on the day he wanted his space to give me a black and white answer, is this a breakup or not? And he just told me:" Yeh, alright, it's a breakup." But he cut off all contact with me just like that. Without waiting for me to form a reply to my untagging ( I need time to think usually). I questioned how far did I push him for him to make that decision in a day? How much hurt he must have felt whenever I asked for space/timeouts? I ask myself if it's better I let him go, so he can find someone else better than me. Perhaps it's better he hate me now before I cause more hurt to him. I know everyone said he might be contemplating it for a while and that was the straw that broke the camels back. But I know him for a while now, he was just enthusiastically showing me a house before I started untagging him. And when he realised what I did, he called me 3 - 4 times to ask me why. And I was in a zone at that time, I couldn't pick up the phone to talk. I am not sure how long to wait. I saw him joining 2 dating sites last week but he's no active as yet. But each day I"m waiting, is a day I"m losing him to someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Fred, i do understand this. And Op i do not mean to talk about you. My ex was almost the same. I was aware in the RS that something was not quite right. My help was pushed away. I think he is probably aware of something. But Sugarlove you will not help your own situation if you continue to check up on him. My ex has repeatedly attempted to contact me after 9 months +. I even helped her with a family matter. You should at least give yourself some space to work on what is going on with you. It is not easy. I wish you well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Fred, i do understand this. Sorry, didn't mean to jump down your throat Haydn, please accept my apology. It is just I have been that "ex" and it is heartbreaking because I know partly that this type of situation lead to the demise of my own relationship. DV is the unwanted gift that keeps on giving unfortunately Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Nothing to apologise for Fred. Tough times. Sorry, didn't mean to jump down your throat Haydn, please accept my apology. It is just I have been that "ex" and it is heartbreaking because I know partly that this type of situation lead to the demise of my own relationship. DV is the unwanted gift that keeps on giving unfortunately Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 18, 2014 Author Share Posted May 18, 2014 It's a difficult situation, that's always the case with mental issues. I guess. I will sit on my letter for a bit. I'll need to re-edit it and re-read it to make sure it's not too long. That will take a fair while. Either way, I know the worse has been done, he has left me so it can't get any worse. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 As much as I hate to say it, telling him you have PTSD probably won't make him come back. It will just make him think you haven't dealt with your PTSD, and most people don't want to deal with someone with mental issues. I'm not saying it's right, but it is how it is. It might actually scare him more to know you have been diagnosed with a mental illness unfortunately. Whereas you see it as defining what issue you have and being able to deal with it, he will see it as someone has actually diagnosed you as mentally ill. Most people run from that. I don't think there is a problem with telling him you have PTSD, but it's unlikely it will make him change his mind. If anything, telling him might be helpful to you, simply to get it off your chest. I usually never advocate writing a letter to someone, but it might be helpful to you in this case. I do think it will probably push him further away in the end. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 WRITE HIM A LETTER! You have a medical condition... if he doesn't know how can he choose to accept or reject you? He might not want to know, but there are plenty of supportive men who love their women and would stand by them through thick and thin.. I was one! If it was me, I would want a letter. I feel the same as Fred about this. I am here because of a short ldr (a few months), I was so confused after her rejection. In fact every time I start to think about it I am confused again. I wanted to be there for her during her illness, but she rejected me and turned indifferent. She had a hard life and her trust has been ashamed too often since she was a child. I knew that, never thought that this could happen though. Anyway please never be ashamed for your past and the person you have become because of that. I think real love can conquer most things if both want to work on it together. If he does not respond to your letter you will know his answer and if he is worth of your love. Your ex or someone else will be there at one point. But I am afraid that some things are just not in our power, so we also have to be strong for ourselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 As much as I hate to say it, telling him you have PTSD probably won't make him come back. It will just make him think you haven't dealt with your PTSD, and most people don't want to deal with someone with mental issues. I'm not saying it's right, but it is how it is. It might actually scare him more to know you have been diagnosed with a mental illness unfortunately. Whereas you see it as defining what issue you have and being able to deal with it, he will see it as someone has actually diagnosed you as mentally ill. Most people run from that. I don't think there is a problem with telling him you have PTSD, but it's unlikely it will make him change his mind. If anything, telling him might be helpful to you, simply to get it off your chest. I usually never advocate writing a letter to someone, but it might be helpful to you in this case. I do think it will probably push him further away in the end. I agree with this. He may think any amount of stress is going to send you over the edge. You do have your children to care for and the added stress of a relationship with a man much younger may not be what you need. I also think if he is blatantly ignoring your emails he definitely is not interested in what you have to say. I know if I love someone I would want to know what they are thinking. I guess for the next 3-1/2 months you should just try to heal and worry about a relationship when you are better. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 I agree with this. He may think any amount of stress is going to send you over the edge. You do have your children to care for and the added stress of a relationship with a man much younger may not be what you need. I also think if he is blatantly ignoring your emails he definitely is not interested in what you have to say. I know if I love someone I would want to know what they are thinking. I guess for the next 3-1/2 months you should just try to heal and worry about a relationship when you are better. If anything, I feel that the letter will only reinforce his decision to leave. I think that if she sends the letter, she needs to be aware of that beforehand. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 I feel the same as Fred about this. I am here because of a short ldr (a few months), I was so confused after her rejection. In fact every time I start to think about it I am confused again. I wanted to be there for her during her illness, but she rejected me and turned indifferent. She had a hard life and her trust has been ashamed too often since she was a child. I knew that, never thought that this could happen though. Anyway please never be ashamed for your past and the person you have become because of that. I think real love can conquer most things if both want to work on it together. If he does not respond to your letter you will know his answer and if he is worth of your love. Your ex or someone else will be there at one point. But I am afraid that some things are just not in our power, so we also have to be strong for ourselves. That's admirable that you want to help her, but most people are not like you. Most people bolt sadly. At a point, I guess you can't blame people for leaving if it becomes too much to bear, and the other person isn't willing to help themselves. It's a tough thing for both parties. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 18, 2014 Author Share Posted May 18, 2014 Hi Everyone, it's morning in Sydney and I'm just reading all the answers to my question. Thanks for taking the time to read through everything, it's very long. He knows something was wrong with me but he felt that it was because I didn't love him. My ambivalence towards him, pushing and pulling him at times "broke his heart" because "he thought everything was going so well". He told me he felt he was "losing his mind" because he couldn't understand why I am that way. In the end he left because he pushed me for an answer which I wasn't in the right mind space to give. Because I myself don't even know what's wrong with me. The fact is he has decided to leave this. Despite all the life plans we made, he threw it all away in a day. Writing a letter now might be premature as I think I"m still not ready with my therapy yet (I was undergoing 1 month of counselling before being referred to the PTSD therapy, that I only just started). But eventually I'll like to let him know that I do love him but I have deeper issues that I was battling with. I think it's not so much he couldn't stand it, he couldn't stand me "lying" to him by not saying anything. Please let me know if my train of thoughts is right on this one.. as I'm still in a confused state. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 18, 2014 Author Share Posted May 18, 2014 Another thing is I only just went to therapy because of the breakup. In a way, it's a good wakeup call. He made me want to fix myself up by seeking help with my inner demons. I have actually wrote a bunch of excuses, trying to find reasons for my behavior, almost to the point I felt I'm just finding reasons to excuse my behavior towards him. It might be a case of being too late with my counselling, but I am trying to fix myself up, which no many people will do, in love or not. So.. I don't know, i'm not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 In the end do what feels right for you. I stand by the letter idea, if he doesn't know you have a medical illness he can't make an informed choice of if he wants to stick by you or not. Sure, many people will run away but some won't, as he doesn't have the facts at hand I don't see how he can come to any conclusion apart from run away. We don't know him, we don't know his morals or his ethics. We don't know if he thinks you're worth all the "trouble" or if he is prepared to "put up with it" None of us can answer for him. Anyway. Do as you feel fit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 18, 2014 Author Share Posted May 18, 2014 Yes. I do know he is the sort of guy who always pushed me for answers and we never let issues fester overnight. Except for this time, as I'm not contributing to making the problem better. I will think about what to do. I know my letter will need to be written again and again so make sure it's right as I'm fearful of being taken the wrong way. I know he is a fighter, he stayed with me for so long and he's only given up because I gave up on myself. I know I love him. And i know he once loved me deeply as well. If anything, I will base on that knowledge and work towards a solution soon. I will update here when I send my letter and if there is response, it's all good. If not, then you guys will know, he has decided not to fight for me. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) Another thing is I only just went to therapy because of the breakup. In a way, it's a good wakeup call. He made me want to fix myself up by seeking help with my inner demons. I have actually wrote a bunch of excuses, trying to find reasons for my behavior, almost to the point I felt I'm just finding reasons to excuse my behavior towards him. It might be a case of being too late with my counselling, but I am trying to fix myself up, which no many people will do, in love or not. So.. I don't know, i'm not sure. i feel fred jones has given you insightful advice .......even if he reads your snail mail letter and does not respond you have done your best and given him and you some form of closure......or it may just be a new beginning.....you can dissect what you are doing to fix yourself but you cant dissect what he is doing to heal himself....... let him know you feel a need to speak to him but when he is ready now not when you want to ....Break ups are often traumatic in themselves so he is healing from trauma that you and your relationship together have given him.......a letter of explanation not excuses may be valuable for him to heal and for you to feel you have given it your best shot......the rest is his to own I have been fractured from trauma....... because of multiple traumas i had when i was growing up ........i believe i have developed a really fierce defense mechanism....which undiagnosed to me deep down i know, is multiple personalities..........its necessary...parts of me shut down and other parts come up front for a while....i can still be in long term relationships longest was fifteen years it broke up but it was not my choice......my trauma allows me to identify and relate with others...makes me often too forgiving and vulnerable to more trauma if i open up...i turned it around and try and use it.......... now i often find people who have serious trauma and i always have been able to help others............have been in the mental health system for years i often have hospital stays when the world really gets me down.......electric shock therapy zombie medication ....only makes it harder to handle in my case...... I dont have time left to waste i have made a heart felt decision to ride my time unmedicated..........and i dont want to be with someone who cant handle my condition so i tell them straight up.......i like honesty i loathe deceit.......or hidd3en agendas ...i have none when i am with someone other than to be there for them and make their life awesome....i expect the same and ill take the good with the bad and i want a guy to do the same and not expect me to be a perfect partner ....because that isnt me.....nor do i want a guy who thinks he is perfect...just a guy who is meant for me....if that guy doesnt exist for me then ill keep on regardless...i dont feel in my heart that i wont have a companion to battle on with guys respct me mostly who i open up to ...they see me battle......i have never struggled being in a relationship..i nurture ........i struggle getting to know the guy first and handling hidden agendas....and or deceit and lots of guys play with this...........understanding honesty and the beauty of honesty is key even when you dont like what you hear or dont want to say what you have to say, to give understanding......its foresight and insight all rolled into one and that is a gift for two to share....... write the letter, realize you traumatized him so he is goign through a healing process himself,and if he cant handle yoru condition, that it is best that it doesnt continue between him and you but at least he wont feel like he did something or could have done something different..... own your condition sugarlove it i spart fo you it can help you you know it doesnt have to be all bad.....your condition can make you more understanding of others it can also make you fight really hard for what is right and true.....like a stable relationship.............be open with your flaws always,dont hide them, be at peace with your condition and take one day and all tomorrows as a blessing......dont waste any tomorrows.......send the letter....be at peace with what happens because it will be for the best....hugs.....debxo Edited May 18, 2014 by todreaminblue 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Just want to say that I've emailed his sister to let her know I"ll be sending a letter to her brother . I was hoping that when he gets it, she will be able to help me bring it up since I have no way of contacting him. But using my tracker, I've realised that she has forwarded the email to his mom. Now I know he might never read my letter which I sent today, as they reckon I'm the psycho ex gf due to my past reactions stemming from anxiety duehis abandonment. There is no support from his family as they want to protect him from this loony here. So I guess that is the end of my last attempt at reconciliation. I cannot fight against 3 other people protecting him from any more contact from me. I'm so sad that I am giving up the hope he will read my letter now. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Just take a step back. No tracking, no checking. Isolate yourself for a while. Do the things you need to, to keep going. Addressing yourself is the top priority. He will contact you if if wants to. You have done your part here. Now try to see what you need and how much you can be. You can come through this. There are people here who will help. It was better for me to get help here than anyone close to me in life. I have pulled through this. Yes i waver sometimes but that is normal and so are you. Give yourself a moment to breathe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 I"m just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. With a cause and a diagnosis, yes I know I can overcome this in as short as a few months. And then i'll be back to who I was when he met. And just knowing that breaks me heart even more. His abandonment really messed me up, especially with my PTSD. I was anxious and I made some desperate attempts but I've never showed any violence or cause any fear to him or to his family. I was just being annoying, I guess. And now his family won't even let me talk to him or let him know I've tried. I'm sorry, but I"m just helpless. It's hard explaining to people without making it feel like I'm a joke or that I"m lying. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 No one thinks you are lying or a joke. Just give a bit of time for you. Overcoming something like this takes time. You have to be in control of yourself first. Work slowly, do not rush. Take it an hour at a time if you have to. Try to push away the thoughts people who think badly of you. This is about you now and no one else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Just want to say that I've emailed his sister to let her know I"ll be sending a letter to her brother . I was hoping that when he gets it, she will be able to help me bring it up since I have no way of contacting him. But using my tracker, I've realised that she has forwarded the email to his mom. Now I know he might never read my letter which I sent today, as they reckon I'm the psycho ex gf due to my past reactions stemming from anxiety duehis abandonment. There is no support from his family as they want to protect him from this loony here. So I guess that is the end of my last attempt at reconciliation. I cannot fight against 3 other people protecting him from any more contact from me. I'm so sad that I am giving up the hope he will read my letter now. You cant blame him with your anxiety, he didnt abandon you, you actually discarded him, before you took the facebook photos down it was already there anxiety i mean.......so were your doubts.....self sabotage.......then you deleted him......he didnt abandon you Anxiety is part of your condition.....fear of abandonment even when it hasnt happened, and he has shown you no signs, you are already anxious you are goign on past trauma and not feeling the now.....i get flashbacks specifically when oen of my legs gives out and i fall......happens when i dance and twist it a certain way its like a dislocation that pops in and out and its audible(this starts the flashback), painful and directly related to a beating.....i flashback to being on the ground and not having much luck as a teen trying to protect myself...the flashback manifests in hallucinations and actual fear that i am not going to make it...i cant be touched .....and luckily i am able to say please dont touch me dont touch me to anyone who tries and helps me back up i am pretty sure its what i have said while being abused so its repetitive.it gets worse if someone touches me..... i have to let the flashback run its course..........thats all i can do...........and i get up by myself i dont need to be helped......i needed help back then not now...... it is empowering to me to get up by myself.....and i really believe maybe one day i wont have this flashback anymore...heres to hope....thats how i see my trauma and why i dont blame anyone in my future........my trauma is just a series of events that happened and they happened to me...if something bad is goign to happen it isnt up to me....its in gods plan not mine...i needed help back then and i never got it .....now.....i take care of myself, i pray a lot and i own my illness i own my space and i take responsibility for all i do or feel or hear or flashback too....its mine no one elses.......and i can help myself.I have had loads of therapy that actually did help one way is the serenity prayer when feeling anxious deep breathing not making any major decisions when you dont feel on even ground....... what you have with your illness and do is you get in there first and sabotage your own happiness....its the nature of the illness.....i will suggest you try group talk therapy with other survivors of trauma.......you will pick up strategies....and one day you will know without a doubt you wont sabotage your own happiness or bring pain or trauma to someone else.......no matter what you feel...even when you are pissed and ready to blow a gasket...... you will protect others feelings and be sensitive to them.....and more outside of what you went through its too internal for you at the moment too close to your heart.........huge hugs ....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 I have so much hope. And I really truly love him and yet, in a day, I ruined everything we have. Because of my trauma? That's not even an excuse. Not good enough to use it to say anything more. My heart breaks for my kids as they told me they are just getting used to him being around every day. I felt I let them down at the moment. They are so resilient about this change and I can't even get myself sorted out. I will try to breathe and let things happen by themselves. If he really did love me, maybe he will miss me. But I won't hold too much hope on that. Holding on that hope is killing me every day.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 He didn't abandon me till the end. But he didn't give me a chance to explain, let me sort my thoughts. I felt he didn't care about us, the relationship, the whole thing. He walked away from it all in a heartbeat. I'm not blaming him.. this is all my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) He didn't abandon me till the end. But he didn't give me a chance to explain, let me sort my thoughts. I felt he didn't care about us, the relationship, the whole thing. He walked away from it all in a heartbeat. I'm not blaming him.. this is all my fault. yoru trauma isnt an excuse its a reason, you are pretty hard on yourself but you are blaming him too...... it wasn't in a heartbeat he walked away really was it? do you journal? Try putting all your thoughts and feelings out either write them or type them and leave them for a couple of days and just do life stuff.....then come back and read them two or three days later........all the negative all the positive everything you think and feel....just sit down and start writing and whatever comes into your head roll with it......let it just flow out and away from you ........this doesnt hurt anyone and it helps you........if you leave what you have written for a few days and come back suddenly what you write doesnt make sense anymore or it makes more sense you can see what is real and what is not........ and you can discard any negative energy .......and work with the positive......it may all be negative to start .......because that is in you at the moment........it needs out......because that negative energy can be felt by others......including your kids...... i have kids......one thing i do is let them know i am off dont go into great detail and no matter what my decision is i have to make they trust me......because i dont make decisions lightly.......takes me ages actually.......you cant make any major decisions right now...you are not thinking clearly enough.......that is why you are asking for help.......... how are you on meditation and prayer? here is a tell........you should seriously consider doing this can you put yourself in another's shoes for ten minutes....imagine you are someone else....a close friend, a beloved,a child that has grown, a sister a brother a parent who was really hurting.....so you have to put yourself aside for just ten minutes to help them........ .......and they say or have written everything you have typed in this thread what would you tell them to do ....search your heart .......and answer with what you would say or write......do not read the replies read your own heart and read what you have written then can you give me an answer....its gonna take some effort i hope that you do try......i want to read what you would advise this beloved person who means a lot to you......it is really important that it comes from your heart and the person that you are advising is a beloved............deb Edited May 19, 2014 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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