Author sugarlove Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 You are right, I pushed him for the breakup. Even though he was the one to voiced it out, in actual fact, when i started pushing him away out of fear, I already abandoned the relationship. Despite me not wanting to, but I have to accept that I did it all on my own. If I am a friend of myself, I will say this: Be grateful that you have 3 beautiful little girls who love you unconditionally and no matter what you say to them, they won't leave you. Their love is truer than anyone else so focus on them for your own happiness. And not on someone else who is not yet your family. Kids will sense you are not happy even if you are smiling on the outside, so try, try for their sake to be strong. Do not miss him because memories are always great when times are good. It's only when times are hard, and then you needed him the most, do you make a judgement about his love for you. He knows about your past, he has accepted you have trauma and he knows about your fears, if he already knew all that and he chose to leave, then let him go. This is not new to you, you have explained this issue to him before even if you don't have a label for it then, he would have known something was wrong deep down. Unless he chose to stay through the good and most of all the bad, he is not worth your tears or your heartache. Maybe he did love you once and he might love you still, maybe he's gone for good but maybe he'll be back soon. But right now, why worry about what you don't know. If he wants to come back, hell or high waters, he will contact you. It is not your choice for him to make. He has to choose it himself. You have tried your best, you must believe that you have tried all you can. And now no more. YOu must rest. Rest your mind and find peace that you have tried all you can to fix this. Let him be. It's his choice. Fix yourself, focus on yourself now. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, at least at the end of the day, you have yourself whole and contented. And mended. The kids will not be worrying for you and they will survive this if you make yourself a strong role model for them to emulate. That's your role as a parent. No more tears. Dry it up. You will surivive this. You have survived your divorce and you came out stronger. This, this will be another test of your strength. Your mind is stronger than you think. Your heart is stronger than it feels. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 You are right, I pushed him for the breakup. Even though he was the one to voiced it out, in actual fact, when i started pushing him away out of fear, I already abandoned the relationship. Despite me not wanting to, but I have to accept that I did it all on my own. If I am a friend of myself, I will say this: Be grateful that you have 3 beautiful little girls who love you unconditionally and no matter what you say to them, they won't leave you. Their love is truer than anyone else so focus on them for your own happiness. And not on someone else who is not yet your family. Kids will sense you are not happy even if you are smiling on the outside, so try, try for their sake to be strong. Do not miss him because memories are always great when times are good. It's only when times are hard, and then you needed him the most, do you make a judgement about his love for you. He knows about your past, he has accepted you have trauma and he knows about your fears, if he already knew all that and he chose to leave, then let him go. This is not new to you, you have explained this issue to him before even if you don't have a label for it then, he would have known something was wrong deep down. Unless he chose to stay through the good and most of all the bad, he is not worth your tears or your heartache. Maybe he did love you once and he might love you still, maybe he's gone for good but maybe he'll be back soon. But right now, why worry about what you don't know. If he wants to come back, hell or high waters, he will contact you. It is not your choice for him to make. He has to choose it himself. You have tried your best, you must believe that you have tried all you can. And now no more. YOu must rest. Rest your mind and find peace that you have tried all you can to fix this. Let him be. It's his choice. Fix yourself, focus on yourself now. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, at least at the end of the day, you have yourself whole and contented. And mended. The kids will not be worrying for you and they will survive this if you make yourself a strong role model for them to emulate. That's your role as a parent. No more tears. Dry it up. You will surivive this. You have survived your divorce and you came out stronger. This, this will be another test of your strength. Your mind is stronger than you think. Your heart is stronger than it feels. I actually got a bit misty reading advice you have written from your heart.............i didnt feel teary reading your thread i felt sympathy....empathy....a little frustrated.......and anxious myself... other than this post that caused tears....because now i truly see who you are not just your situation............this is who you are ......this is your heart and its a gift from god...a heart full of love that will be loved and be able to give love just as the advice you gave to a beloved which is always actually a real person...it is you.......god sends a still and highly insightful voice to your heart that helps you to help others but more importantly to help and guide your own self to happiness.......the only truth in this big world is a hearts ability to know what is best ........because all that is good and true is always given freely.......such as your love fora beloved....who is you surrounding a true heart.........go with your heart.......it rocks......smilin......xo deb... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Thanks deb, I really appreciate the encouragement. It's hard, I won't say it's easy. I must remember I have done harder things before... overcame the fear to run away from my ex husband. To pack my 3 young ones into a car and drove as far as I can with nothing but the clothes on our backs. That was really, really hard. This can not and will not break me. And I will not allow my ex husband to continue to affect my sanity, he is gone. I cannot fear him because he has no power over me now. I have to fight this, this PTSD thing I'm having. He ruined my life once, I won't allow him to do it for my whole life. I have to raise 3 beautiful, strong and intelligent women, I have so many big dreams for them. Right now, they are dancing in the living room, trying to make me laugh. I'm blessed and I don't try to see it. Crying over a man, what am I doing? I have come so far, to build my life from scratch, nothing will change if he leaves. I have to accept that if I love my ex, if I truly do, I have to allow him to make his choice in life. If he regrets it one day, that's his choice. If he doesn't, then he never did love me. This is a test I have to let God give us. Thanks everyone, I really feel thankful from the bottom of my heart how strangers help strangers, the web is a beautiful thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Also you cannot blame his family for him not reading your letter because more than likely they gave it to him. He wasn't returning your emails either. I just think you should take care of yourself and your little girls and if he has a change of heart he will contact you. Just get yourself better right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 I"m just overwhelmed by everything at the moment. With a cause and a diagnosis, yes I know I can overcome this in as short as a few months. And then i'll be back to who I was when he met. And just knowing that breaks me heart even more. His abandonment really messed me up, especially with my PTSD. I was anxious and I made some desperate attempts but I've never showed any violence or cause any fear to him or to his family. I was just being annoying, I guess. And now his family won't even let me talk to him or let him know I've tried. I'm sorry, but I"m just helpless. It's hard explaining to people without making it feel like I'm a joke or that I"m lying. That's all. I think you have done all you can do now. He wasn't answering your emails, so that is enough. I think it's time to start turning the focus onto you. Let him go, and take it as a learning experience. You know you have issues from your past, which many of us do. It's okay. You are normal. Just find yourself a therapist, and work through this for yourself and your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 I just have to move on... just heartbroken that all of these could have been prevented if I wasn't so focused on everyone else, except me. That's okay, I will feel better today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 It's almost lunch and I feel down and sad. Just the waiting for something is painful for me.. So hard to move on.. don't think I could ever recover from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) deleted message Edited May 20, 2014 by sugarlove Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 At this point, you definitely need to stop trying to contact him. You have tried countless times, and you have left something at his doorstep that he returned. It is obvious that he does not want to talk to you. I really think that you would do well to get some therapy and focus on yourself. You are probably not ready for a relationship at this point, which is understandable with your past of domestic violence. Maybe you didn't realize that you weren't ready until this relationship became serious, but the relationship is no longer salvageable. There's no need to beat yourself up and worry about what his family thinks anymore. You need to love yourself enough to stop contacting him and get some therapy to work past these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 I understand what you are saying.. but it hurts me to know that people can give up on something good so easily. I tried so hard at times to prove that love can't be real and that people leave all the time when the going gets tough, and I did pushed him to prove that point. Yet when it comes to me, I give love so unconditionally and scared to get any good things back. His family all blocked me off Facebook and yet I was always, always kind to them. I cared genuinely for each and every one of them and they all turned their back on me. Even when I tried to explain, every single attempt is turned to deaf ears. It's easier for people to think that someone could be bad than for someone to believe that they are good. Trust is so hard to give, yet I always am naive to feel people are born with good intentions. It makes me flashback to the time when help was turned away from me during my marriage. It brings back memories of everything that was so wrong with people in general. I just finished an session today with my therapist. She pointed out that I tend to take a lot of guilt and shame onto myself. So we are working on that issues. I do hope I'll feel better though, the tablets might be kicking in as I'm not feeling anxious but sad nonetheless. Just a deep, deep sense of loss.. because I really did love him so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 And I still do... love him.. so much. Now all I have to do is wait. Wait for a miracle. For devine intervention. Because I can't do any more, I have tried so hard. You should have seen what I did to save this. All my friends told me they've never seen someone who tried all she can to salvage a relationship. But I really really tried. So hard. I better stop typing...Tears are coming again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) deleted message. Edited May 21, 2014 by sugarlove Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 A quick question. I've posted this about my PTSD and my ex breaking up with me cutting off communication for 7 weeks now. After we broke up, I felt something amiss and as we've always known each other email passwords etc, I thought I'll check into his email accounts, not exactly sure what I'm hoping to find. Mind you, I've never ever snoop into his stuff during the relationship, as I didn't want to break that trust we have. And we've always been honest with each other.. so our relationship was to my opinion, perfect. From October last year to March, he has been emailing his exes on LinkedIn to try to get them to meet up with him. He also also send some flirty comments to an indonesian girl which messaged him on LinkedIn to ask him when he'll be coming over to visit her. Upon which he said he'll like to stay in her bed. I'm confused as to why he wanted to then build a home with me? With PTSD, I'm actually not feeling much about it but my guy friend told me it's very very wrong. If the letter I sent yesterday did make him change his mind. And if Ex comes back, I should not take him back at all. I myself felt it's okay, I don't feel it's a big deal but with a bad marriage (DV), I might have my boundaries skewed. What's your opinions on this? x Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 My opinion is you shouldn't be logging in to his email account in the first place. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 Yes that is right. But we never kept things from each other. And I have nothing on my account that I won't keep from him. He might be checking my emails too but I've nothing on it, just work and spam. Just that I'm at the point in my life whereby my bad marriage has not given me any boundaries to maintain in relationship My point is if he is flirting with other women online and each conversations has never brought me up, is that a betrayal even if there is not meetup? I don't see it as anything but my guy friend told me I should be very very upset. I've no emotions at the moment so I'm not sure how I feel about it, I'm sorry, I'm just unsure at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Yes that is right. But we never kept things from each other. And I have nothing on my account that I won't keep from him. He might be checking my emails too but I've nothing on it, just work and spam. Just that I'm at the point in my life whereby my bad marriage has not given me any boundaries to maintain in relationship My point is if he is flirting with other women online and each conversations has never brought me up, is that a betrayal even if there is not meetup? I don't see it as anything but my guy friend told me I should be very very upset. I've no emotions at the moment so I'm not sure how I feel about it, I'm sorry, I'm just unsure at the moment. It's illegal to hack/log into someone else's account. So, yes, there are loads wrong with that. Not to mention creepy. Doesnt matter what he is doing. You guys arent going out anymore. Its his business now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 My opinion is you shouldn't be logging in to his email account in the first place. Yeah, that's creepy as shyte... Find something else to do with your spare time!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 Mm, I'm not saying I"m right. The conversations he had was during the time when we're together. He even made friends with my children and they absolutely adored him... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Mm, I'm not saying I"m right. The conversations he had was during the time when we're together. He even made friends with my children and they absolutely adored him... Again, it doesnt matter. It's none of your business anymore. Whether he met them then or now doesnt mean anything. What matters is you and you alone. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 You found out the dude is dirty. Was dirty when you were together. Terrible thing to discover, but everyone here is right that you should not be logging into an exes account. You broke up, it doesn't matter if you felt something "amiss" post breakup - the relationship is kaput. It can be amiss as ever and it is irrelevant. At least now you know the guy was dirty and you can feel better about the break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 Mm. I guess you are right. In a way, I don't regret checking his emails. He didn't mention me in any of the emails he exchange with this exes. He flirted and send lewd comments to them, even though he might never meet them. I believe that a person's intention is as good as his actions during the relationship. If he is not honest with these ladies that he has a woman whom he wants to marry and even have her children starting to love him as well, he is probably not honest with me either. I still am not sure how I feel about his actions. If I should be angry or upset.. but morally, I think it's probably not the right thing to do in a relationship to seek attention elsewhere when he already promised a future with me. It's 5 months of flirting, so it's 5 months of time I've wasted with him. It's all God's will. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 If he is not honest with these ladies that he has a woman whom he wants to marry and even have her children starting to love him as well, he is probably not honest with me either. Well, there ya go. Case closed... I still am not sure how I feel about his actions. If I should be angry or upset. You should be... nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarlove Posted May 21, 2014 Author Share Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) Mm, I'm not saying I"m right. The conversations he had was during the time when we're together. He even made friends with my children and they absolutely adored him... You found out the dude is dirty. Was dirty when you were together. Terrible thing to discover, but everyone here is right that you should not be logging into an exes account. You broke up, it doesn't matter if you felt something "amiss" post breakup - the relationship is kaput. It can be amiss as ever and it is irrelevant. At least now you know the guy was dirty and you can feel better about the break. Yes , I did felt it was a dirty thing to do. I was so in love with him as well. He's the perfect gentleman and he's so good with my children. Even now, I can't believe what I read, it's so surreal. And I am not sure if I've judged him wrong. No I don't regret checking his emails. If he has nothing to hide, yes I'll regret it. He can go ahead and check mine as we knew each others passwords during the relationships so it's not surprising if he did. Btw, I chose to tell him I checked his emails. I wanted him to know what I found out and not do it behind his back. That's all. Edited May 21, 2014 by sugarlove Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Yes , I did felt it was a dirty thing to do. I was so in love with him as well. He's the perfect gentleman and he's so good with my children. Even now, I can't believe what I read, it's so surreal. And I am not sure if I've judged him wrong. No I don't regret checking his emails. If he has nothing to hide, yes I'll regret it. He can go ahead and check mine as we knew each others passwords during the relationships so it's not surprising if he did. Btw, I chose to tell him I checked his emails. I wanted him to know what I found out and not do it behind his back. That's all. You should regret it since its illegal....AND YOU SHOULDNT BE TALKING TO HIM!!! You're making this MUCH harder on yourself....and looking pretty bad in the process Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 And immoral... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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