He Cheated, Says He's Sorry, But Ignores Me In The Bedroom???

[harleygirl92156]

ok, He told me he cheated, one time, one night stand and he was drunk. I have gotten over the initial rage, hurt and pain and have decided to give the marriage a second shot. He appears to be very sorry and has said so a million times.

 

ok, So what is the problem? Well, now he keeps me at arms length. I need to feel desired by him more than ever now and have explained this to him. He says he understands, but makes no attempt to make love. If I start anything or ask, he says he doesn't want to but will if he has to.

 

We didn't have sex much before, maybe once a month, but he says he wants us to be closer and grow together. I guess I am confused.

 

Do you think he really wants to continue with the marriage or is he trying to get me to leave so he can say it was all my fault.

 

We dont spend time together because he is always with his friends. Doesn't call and doesn't come home on time. I know for a fact he isn't cheating right now, but wonder why he is avoiding me.

 

OK, guys am I missing something here?

[Pocky]

Did you notice a decline in the relationship before or after he confessed?

[FolderWife]

Good question Pocky!

 

He could be missing the girlfriend. How do you know for a fact he isn't cheating?

[HotCaliGirl]

If you're not spending time together, he's always at his "friends", not calling or coming home on time - then I'm just curious as to how you know for a "fact" that he is not cheating? Especially since he does not want to have sex with you and does not make you feel desired? Would he be ok if you did all those things to him? I think by with-holding affection, knowing that it hurts you, he is passively torturing and abusing your feelings which you do not deserve to put up with...

[DinNJ]

one night stand huh? hmmmmmmmmmmm....

[LucreziaBorgia]

I remember in another post that he told you that the incident happened when he was in a blackout from drinking too much. Is he sober since then? Are you very certain that he isn't seeing someone else and this 'girl he doesn't remember doing' is only a one time thing?

[blind_otter]

I'd bet money he's still seeing her.

[harleygirl92156]

OK, I know he isn't cheating because in the evenings he is at AA meetings or with his sponsor at the AA clubhouse. He got out of treatment one month ago and that is where the "incident" was brought out. It happened three years ago. I know for certain he isn't cheating on me right now.

 

Our sex life prior to this was low, I hated him for drinking and ruining our life and he had guilt over the one night stand and his drinking ruining our life. We both had walls up, but the walls are down not, or at least I thought they were.

[HotCaliGirl]

I wonder if he has some pent up anger towards you about something. Ususally when you are upset at someone, you don't feel as sexual towards them. Do you bring up the past fling often and make him feel guilty about it over and over? Do you do anything passively agressive towards him that builds resentment towards you inside of him?...

[harleygirl92156]

You know HotCaliGirl, I think you are on to something there. I DON"T bring it up often as I have just found out about it, but do believe if I am going to make this work I have to just let it go. Besides, I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to relive it in my mind and I CERTAINLY don't want him replaying it in his mind every five minutes. Ya know what I mean.

 

Now, the anger thing, I have felt he has had some anger against me for some time. I always thought it was because I was trying to get him to quit drinking and he resented that. Now that he isn't drinking by his own choice, finally, he still seems to be angry with me so maybe we need to get down to the root of that. May have something to do with WHY he had the one night stand as well.

 

Thank you for your imput, gave me something to think about and something to discuss with my counselor and my husband.

 

Thanks

[HotCaliGirl]

Glad it helps...Also HarleyGirl, maybe you are not giving him enough positive feedback for him quitting drinking, which sounds like it had been a very big deal to him. It is rare for someone to stop for the sake of another person when they themselves are not ready to. Even though he is a grown man, you have to always tell him how proud you are of his progress, etc. so that he can really know that you appreciate what he has gone through and accomplished.

 

He might have had the affair as a form of resenting what he was doing. He might even blame you deep down inside for it but of course knows it's not REALLY your fault and so you should just never ever bring it up again, and he will respect you for that. You should ask questions and listen to his responses of how he's had to use a lot of will-power to refuse a drink, how it has made him feel, and so on so that he can feel you really appreciate and acknowledge what he is and has been going through. He'll really love you and appreciate you more for it and hopefully get more intimate with you.

[cheatedononce]

I've been there...And It's odd. We got back together and had sex and that was great, then after about a week, he was distant didn't want to have sex, but gave me praise and told me how much he loves me. It turns out that he felt guilty for having sex with me, due to the affair.

[harleygirl92156]

I suspected maybe guilt had something to do with it. How did you get him to open up? Men and their feelings, I wish they would just say what is on their mind.....well most of the time.

[immoralist]

I suspect your husband had much more than a one night stand with his OW.

 

Assuming he's no longer having sex with his OW, and I'll take your word for it, he may still be emotionally involved. To an extent, the OW's warm embrace, scent, sensual presence, has replaced your presence. An affair is a huge intimacy destroyer as one woman, even briefly, replaces the spouse as the primary object of desire. This replacement continues even after the affair "ends."

 

It's akin to deadly radiation after a nuclear blast. I call it post-blast "Affair radiation," which sickens , frays and, at times, dissolves the intimate connections that bind a husband and wife together. To an Affair, a marriage is Ground Zero.

 

To these marriage-busting affair memories and yearnings add guilt. That's a toxic combination for the betraying husband who must perform sexually with you. The irony, of course, is that your husband, by having the affair, destroyed his intimate connections with you, and, by doing so, will look even more longingly for other women with whom he can enjoy guiltless and anxiety-free sexual relations. He poisoned the well, and now will likely go elsewhere to drink.

 

Let no one say that life is fair.

[harleygirl92156]

IMMORALIST,

 

It was a one night stand over two and a half years ago. No doubt!

 

I feel your interpretation is wrong. I feel it is guilt and definately not longing for some haybag he picked up in a bar and had sex with in the back seat of her car. It was a drunken mistake and there is no longing for her, simply extreme guilt over what he has done.

 

He didn't even have to tell me but decided to be honest and felt I had the right to know. I would have never found out if not for his honesty. So longing, NO, guilt YES.