girl acts crazy after pseudo-breakup and pretends nothing happened...ever

[flitzanu]

ok, i'm going to keep this brief, so if anyone wants more description, just let me know. i guess i'm looking for a general opinion to then be whittled down into more of a specific one.

 

basically...this girl i work with had a bf of 3 years, we end up talking...things seem to work, we become great friends...then she starts sneaking around on him and coming to see me, she eventually physically cheats on him with me, then leaves him not too long after (it was a bad relationship anyway, she didnt leave for me). this was about a week and a half before xmas, and then we get closer and closer...we end up spending nearly every day together and the weekends she'd sleep over or i'd sleep over with her. she always said "i don't want a relationship" but it more or less was, she wasn't seeing anyone else.

 

more or less, i had a few jealousy issues with her and one of my close friends, she would flirt with him a lot when we were out, didn't pay much attention to me, etc...then finally it culminated into them hanging out solo and doing other things...then on my BDAY of all days, she lays into me about how she never wants to be with me, never will, etc...and tells me she likes my friend and wants to date him.

 

sure it's a heavy blow...it will cause major issues with our circle of friends and such...and it pisses me off that she would be so low to do that. on top of that, she wants us to be "friends" and she isn't even acknowledging that she had any feelings for me...when she would tell me "i love you" often, and tell me how much she likes me and enjoys my company, i treat her so well, etc. so, by heed of others, i tell her we cant be friends and i dont want any contact with her at all...she cries terribly about it, told me she cried all night to her ex bf about it...and then i break down and start talking to her again...and she's acting like she doesn't even remember anything from the times we spent together...has no feelings, belittles all of it...even tells me she now thinks i took advantage of her vulnerability in order to get her to be with me.

 

she's totally not acting like herself...she's totally weird now...i work with her so i have to bump into her on occasion too.

 

i guess my question is this...i've had another ex gf do the same thing, just one day wake up and pretend that nothing ever happened and act like they never loved me at all...is it NORMAL for girls to do this? is it some kind of defense mechanism for them to ignore everything and act like it never happened so they don't have to deal with any feelings or something?

 

someone help me out...give me something.

[FolderWife]

Ever heard of someone "using me to get close to my ______*fill in the blank____."

 

People will date a guy to meet his brother, become best friends with a guy to date his sister, become best friends with a guy to steal his girl, and in this case, date a guy (while cleverly saying that she ~doesn't want a relationship~) to get his friend.

 

Duh.

 

Didn't they do that at YOUR high school? It's the oldest trick in the book! She liked your friend, and she wanted out of her relationship, so she hooked up with you, to fill in the lonely patch between her old boyfriend (her ex) and her new boyfriend (your friend). She used you to meet your friend. She used you for comfort during the transition. She said she didn't want a relationship, but what she meant was that she didn't want a relationship with YOU.

 

So, she used you to get your friend to go out with her. What a disgusting loser she is. Now that you realize what a tart she is, aren't you glad that your friend is saddled with her, and not you?

 

[FolderWife]

And if you stubbornly refuse to believe that, read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=405070#post405070

[flitzanu]

ok, well help me out from this angle. i don't mean to sound like i'm making excuses, i just want to see your other perspective.

 

ok, all 3 of us, me, my friend, and this tart work at the same place. we all met thru a mutual friend, and really, she didn't NEED me to get close to him. they've been talking off and on without my presence needed...so lets say i don't believe she used me to get to my friend.

 

well...i guess either way she's a tart for trying to hook up with one of my friends, especially after telling me how much she "loves" me and such...and after being physical.

 

i know, i can't ask "why" but WHY the hell do women just block all this stuff out?

[ion]

Dude.

 

She cheated on her boyfriend with you.

She cheated on you with your friend.

 

People, both men and women use others for their benefit.

 

Is it a good thing? No.

 

You used her in a sense because you were aware she still had a boyfriend when you started up.

She used you in transitioning and to get a connection to your friend.

 

The problem here is you are facing a person who has decided to re-write the emotional history of what happened between you both and you believed the shared emotional experience overrode what she was saying to you at the time.

 

It's time to treat yourself better by acting better and selecting better women to date.

 

Look for women who are not involved and if they have broken up recently don't date them until they are balanced.

 

 

Good luck!

[flitzanu]

ok, fair enough. i know i'm ignoring the black and white issue of what actually happened.

 

so now the issue is that i'm stuck FEELING something for this girl, i really fell for her...hard. and as wrong as it is...she hadn't cheated on her bf (of 3 years) ever before...and i'm totally not her type...i made her feel special in a way she never had, etc...which it sounds like crap but i believe that part...and so i really had feelings on my side...and i fell victim thinking she was developing the same thing...

 

so now, yes, i have to rewrite the emotional history because apparently it didn't mean anything to her...at least it doesn't now...but it's still hard to face, and me being in love i continually want to forgive her for all the transgressions because i'm a lovelorn dumbass.

[NewMe]

Ugh, horrible story! I'm sorry, Flizanu! This must be incredibly painful.

 

is it NORMAL for girls to do this?

 

NO. This is absolutely atrocious behavior.

 

is it some kind of defense mechanism for them to ignore everything and act like it never happened so they don't have to deal with any feelings or something?

 

First of all, you keep asking why WOMEN do this. Respectfully (because you are hurting), I doubt it's a gender thing. I think it sounds more like an immaturity thing.

 

Secondly, I can only guess, but I think you are probably on target for why she's doing this. But we can't know, and maybe she herself doesn't know. So why don't you ask her? I'm serious. Tell her that her behavior is crazy, outrageous and hurtful. Tell her you'd like to understand how she can do this, for your peace of mind.

 

i tell her we cant be friends and i dont want any contact with her at all...she cries terribly about it, told me she cried all night to her ex bf about it...and then i break down and start talking to her again...

 

And please don't fall in this trap again. Not saying she was trying to manipulate. Generally speaking, I think it's nuts when I hear that men believe women cry to be manipulative (normal women simply cry because they are upset). BUT REALLY, why are you looking out for her feelings when you should be protecting yours? I'm amazed at the tone of your posts. You just seem sad and frustrated... if there was ever a time for anyone to be angry, this is it, flitzanu. Don't think you should lose your sh*t in front of her. But really, this is wretched behavior on her part. Please, give yourself permission to be angry!

[flitzanu]

Thank you for your insight, NewMe, and you're right, i'm being gender-biased saying "women" do it, i know men do as well, it was just my perspective that i've had TWO women do this exact same thing to me.

 

the first one, my last real ex, we were together for 2 years and lived together most of that time...and then one day she did the same thing. i'll admit i had my flaws, especially then...i was way detached and emotionally unavailable for her. i don't blame her anymore, i've absolved myself from that, and i don't blame the guy she left me for. we've slowly started talking, and even after about 2 years now she called recently and we had a nice chat. we both knew that we missed talking to each other, and it has been more apparent in the emails we've shared. she has even admitted that she regrets never giving me that 2nd chance because now her same bf sucks and life isn't all that great...but that's another story. and no, that's not a "second time" thing in the air, i think we both just appreciate each other a little more now.

 

so in that same vein, i just keep wishing that the same thing doesn't happen now where there is so much bitterness and hatred that we break apart violently and then take years to repair anything that was special. i'm just too sensitive and romantic at heart, it kills me to know that she's hiding something. it's not always in the words, it's in the actions...and her eyes don't lie to me. please...say i'm stupid for that...i know, but really, i'm more insightful than most, i've always seen her hesitation in her actions.

 

i'm trying to convince myself that i'm stupid for even giving her the time to figure out her stupid actions when i know i'm being too forgiving. some part of me just wants to believe that it isn't all gone from her heart, even though she isn't doing anything to show it.

 

i did a little bit of anger with her the other night though, i kept my calm apathy and simply told her that i'm a great guy and i hope that whatever she chooses will treat her half as good as i would, and that it's her loss for not taking what i'm offering her. she gave me the "i really want to be the one for you, i wanted to be special, i didn't want to be like all the rest...."

 

so...is it stupid for me to think..."then DON'T!!" i'll never understand and i need to quit trying

[moon]

Don't allow yourself to get into a relationship with somebody who has just broken up with their boyfriend. I don't care if you really clicked and thought you'd just push on through and start something up with somebody who ended another relationship to be with you. I don't care how bad the girl made her other relationship out to be. When people are in a relationship (especialy long term ones) bonds and habits and a whole host of other things go on inside our heads. I don't know how anybody jumps from one relationship to another. I've never done it and wouldn't want the guy who'd ask that of me.

 

So anyway, it seems like you and this girl sort of got together on false pretenses. You are writing off your bad behavior and hers because you think her old relationship was "bad." So what. That's none of your business. It takes people at least a few months to heal and let go of an old relationship (at the very least!). If you chose to step into these love triangles then be sure that what you'll get is a lot of pain on your part in the end. The girl is telling you you took advantage of her vulnerabilty. I think what you probably did was not see her old relationship for what it was: A RELATIONSHIP. You can't just chuck those and move onto somebody new. There are feelings involved, hurt parties, mixed emotions, confusion. Why get yourself involved in that?? You are allowing yourself to be a rebound guy. Amazingly, you are actually pursuing this role.

 

If you are who you say you are. If you are a person who treats women with respect and treats them nice, then maybe deal with the SINGLE ones from now on?? You aren't going to get a lot of credit for being nice to these girls while their exes are sinking into deep depression and your current girlfriend is feeling guilt and hostile feelings about what she did. So......learn a lesson from this. Steer towards the SINGLE GIRLS, ones with out other emotional attachments, and maybe you'll strike a homerun one of these days.

 

Most girls like a nice guy---seriously. But it sounds like you're entering through the backdoor to these relationships and not respecting what is really going on in these girl's lives. Good luck finding a stable and SINGLE girl. Good for you for aspiring to treat them nice. I'm sure once you get yourself all sorted out you'll find somebody who can appreciate any kindness you show to them. They wont feel the need to write off the relationshp with you in the end as a mistake because of the domino effect it had on their lives. Good luck.

[StressFull]

ive jus broken up with my girlfriend and i am now semi dating this other girl straight away. bad move in some peoples books i know but the fact is this girl takes my mind off m break up, shows me affection and generally makes me feel better. but the truth is that i dont really care about her even though shes a sweet girl.

 

i SUSPECT that is whats happened here. you were there to catch here when she was falling and now shes landed. its ****in harsh but the fact is that however hard you fell for this girl and its unrequited love (i know how that feels ) you gotta jus think **** her. its her loss because if she carries on like this then shes gonna end up very very lonely. show her what shes missing and jus generally make her think shes made a mistake.

 

make her come runnind for you. act like you really dont care about her. dont hate her, dont llike her. just not bothered. flirt with other women in front of her. she will soon start to realise that she made a mistake and then cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

the point is that you cant force someone to like you. you can encourage it but not force it so if she doesnt feel like that, however hard it is try and just move on and put it down to a bad experiance with an immature girl.

 

good luck mate

[flitzanu]

so here's the latest update...last week on thursday i was going out with all my friends from work...and i talked to her and made sure that she wasn't going to show up, since now she's hot for my friend that also hangs out with us. she ended up going off about the same crap and i never even brought it up...how i just can't stand that she wont be with me, blah blah...that i'm trying to make sure everyone hates her etc. well, which they are MY friends, not hers...and they don't like her for what she's doing, so she wasn't far off from the truth. she just acted so immature about it...and she wasn't even planning on going out anyway. just another opportunity for her to throw it in my face that she won't be with me...utter crap. so i bust her on it, i tell her she's acting crazy and not even acting like herself, i didn't bring anything up and she needs to quit talking about it. so, convo ends, more or less.

 

i go out thursday to the bar and meet my friends...then one of them tells me "oh, he just called, he's coming up here and bringing HER." so...now i'm pissed...that's ridiculous when BOTH of them know i don't want her around...especially since he is my "friend" and that's crossing a line of respect because he knows i don't want to see them together. now i'm just starting to get so mad at the whole situation, it pisses me off that HE would do it, and moreso that she agreed...because she knew already from the convo earlier i didn't want her there, and she agreed to go anyway. so, when they walked in the door i just walked out.

 

everyone tells me i should have stayed because then i'd show i'm the bigger person about it, blah blah...but wtf...who do i have to impress? i didn't want to see her or be around her, let her "win" if she needs to feel better about it.

 

i had a gift i had bought before all this happened that i couldn't give to anyone else and i couldn't return, it was for valentines day...so i took it to her friday and dropped it on her desk, said happy vday, and walked away as she tried to say thank you.

 

someone...tell me...that was a total lack of respect for what they did, yes? am i justified in being majorly pissed about this?

[ion]

She's not a classy lady. And he's not your friend especially if he won't let it go for a while about bringing her around for a while.

 

It sounds like she's not only interested in your friend but his entire scene.

 

The problem again is that she doesn't respect your time together as a real relationship because simply that would mean she would have to look at herself in a less that favorable light.

[NewMe]

Well, thank god you're starting to feel some anger, otherwise I suspect you would internalize it, and it would manifest itself as depression.

 

Listen, I'm almost NEVER for the "what a b*tch" or "what an assh*le" attitudes, even after the most tragic breakups. (I believe that people do what they feel they have to do in order to be happy. Hurting someone is generally an unintended side effect, one that usually makes them feel guilty. I don't even believe in evil people, except maybe if we're talking about sociopaths or something.)

 

HOWEVER, this girl's BEHAVIOR is really really f*ed up, why aren't you sure about that?

 

I'm wondering if you ARE bringing some of this on to yourself. In asking if she was going to show at the bar, did you demand it nastily, or something? From your general tone, it seems unlikely, but just it doesn't make sense WHY she would be so inconsiderate...

 

And your friend. It's like double betrayal. Which to me, is way past "lack of respect." I can't even fathom how someone you call a friend would do this to you. You gotta think, are they bonding over your resentfulness? ARE you being sort of weird?

 

Like, why on earth would you give her a VD present? If it wasn't resturnable, I don't know why you wouldn't rather have thrown it away.

 

Listen, I don't mean to be harsh with you, or kick you when you are down or anything. Just your story doesn't even add up for me, because the way they are treating you is EGREGIOUS in my book.

[flitzanu]

ok NewMe, i'll post part of the convo about the bar:

 

me: you're not going out tonight right

 

her: nope, why

 

[me: because i'm going out with my friends

 

me: i wanted to make sure i'm not going to see you

 

her: with friend#1

 

[me: yup

 

her: to play pool?

 

her: i thought you hated watching people play pool and i thought you hated to play it too

 

[me: its not so bad

 

her: yeah right

 

her: w/e

 

 

(about playing pool)

 

[me: you never told me yuo did

 

me: i mean, never told me you did like it

 

her: you saw me and exbf at slicks

 

me: sitting at the bar

 

her: what did you think we had been doing?

 

her: drinking

 

me: yup you were sitting at the bar drinking

 

her: we played pool and still had beer left and were finishing it at the bar

 

[her: w/e

 

her: hope you have fun

 

her: bye

 

me: ?

 

[her: i'm done talking

 

me: ok. i really dont see how i pissed you off and i'm askig you to explain, but if you dont want to, thats ok.

 

her: I'D RATHER NOT

 

her: ACTUALLY

 

her: I FELL LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO PICK SIDES

 

her: OR MAKE ME LOOK BAD

 

her: I TOLD YOU ALL ALONG THAT I ONLY WANTED TO BE FRIENDS

 

her: OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER

 

me: why are you bringing that up? i just said i'm going out tonight

 

[her: B/C

 

her: one reason: i can't hang out with the group....EVER

 

her: you are trying to make them be on your side

 

her: w/e

 

her: i don't want to talk about it

 

 

well, there's an idea of how it went. it got worse, her telling me more about how she never should have let things happen, blah blah...

 

and as far as bonding over my resentfulness, i really wouldn't doubt it. she knew i was jealous of him long before this, it was a big source of insecurity. funny thing, her ex was jealous of me for merely talking to her at work...so maybe she let herself get involved with me because of his resentfulness, and maybe she's doing the same crap now...she knows it bothered me that she was all flirty with him so maybe it's some psycho jealousy thing that she felt she "wasn't supposed to have him" so she chased him. who knows.

 

the vday present...im a sappy moron and i bought her a star. it was in her name and such and i already had it, so i couldn't just toss it, i guess maybe to feel like the better person for at least giving it to her.

 

and i don't know why i'm dealing with how my "friend" is acting, it pisses me off...horribly...but i'm a better friend than they'll find, so it's their loss. i know she'll end up doing the same thing to him and he has NOWHERE near the feelings OR patience that i have, he won't be able to handle it...and he'll get hurt just like all of us (and me).

 

comments.......?

[NewMe]

Alright, before I say anything else, I want you to know I am NOT defending her. And I'm stating my opinion, hard as it may be to hear, because I think you really want to know/ analyze how she could have turned so cold. And please just take it for what it's worth, some stranger's opinion...

 

That said, I think you are driving her crazy with guilt. It's very tough for you, but also tough for her that you guys work together, share friends/ acquaintances and come face to face on a daily basis. You accuse HER of bringing up the past, but actually you're the one who did first, although obliquely so.

 

As a coping mechanism for her guilt, she'd like to pretend that the two of you never happened. You won't let her when you do things like approach her and try to make sure you won't see her later:

1) You're implicitly asking for confirmation that the relationship happened.

2) You're provoking guilt by basically stating "I still hurt, I'm having trouble coping, Please help me recover by being absent."

3) You're coming across as controlling by asking her to NOT be somewhere with someone.

4) It's pissing her off that you trying to prevent her from befriending her co-workers.

5) Sadly, she and your friend ARE bonding over their mutual frustration with you, the obsessive ex-boyfriend who can't let go.

 

Really truly, flitz, I'm not taking her side. I think she probably did use you to get away from her ex. That's rather ugly. And she's definitely not handling the truth of that with any compassion or grace. But after reading your synopsis of the conversation, I do think you both have your parts in the yuckiness that's transpiring.

 

I'm NOT saying you're being a sh*t or that you should in any way feel guilty. You were/ are hurt. You don't understand how she could go from "I love you" to "Who are you?" But unless you;re trying to exact some twisted kind of revenge, you aren't serving yourself by holding on. If you continue this way, you will lose your dignity and her resentment toward you will only build.

 

Honestly, I don't really know how you're going to be able to let go when you are in each others' faces so much... that's got to be unbelievably tough. I guess unless one of you quits, you'd be best served by interacting only as absolutely necessary and showing no emotion or remembrance for the past yourself.

 

I don't know, man, I wish you the best of luck.

[flitzanu]

well, you know, part of me feels better that you're saying i'm driving her crazy with guilt. in a sick way i'm glad she feels ANYTHING about it except pure nothingness. i like the 4 points you make as well.

 

and as far as "friends" go, they're MY friends, not hers. unfortunetely they are HIS friends too. of course right now, most of them are getting sickened by her and her behavior, so they aren't too fond of her showing up anyway. and as spiteful as it is, i'd be happier if they would ignore her if she keeps coming around...which i figure they eventually will after seeing her acting the bitch so many times. who knows, who cares.

 

and so yes, luckily we work on different floors and don't have direct contact and our jobs don't intermingle much, but they are somewhat related. her dept does have questions on things i do, but generally they are sent to one "organizer" person who then comes to me about them.

 

and...i joined a gym in january, it's covered by my job, and she planned on joining at the end of january...which that's when the proverbial load hit the fan, and she joined anyway, so now i'll have to ignore her there when i see her. it's an obligated 6 months to be there before i could change. my other option would be joining the gym where my friend (her new "interest") is going, so i dont see that being much more comfortable.

 

oh, and the convo listed is word for word from IM, that wasn't paraphrased or anything.

 

now, the update for the day...

 

we had a movie/meeting today for work...and both of them were going to be there too (he is actually my Lead in my dept).

 

so i make it through, feeling i should be the better man and GO, not just mope and sit at my desk because i didnt want to see them together. so i go, things are fine until the movie ends...we walk out, blah blah, im standing talking to my friends, then he comes up and i turned my back when i saw him because i knew she'd be close behind. and she was...starts talking to people, blah blah....i give a friend the "look" and we go outside to smoke...then everyone else soon follows...and they STAY behind me...so i'm standing there fuming...listening to her chat away like nothing is wrong...not talking to me, just to her lame co worker friend (who is a man-hater going through a bad divorce...and i wouldnt doubt it if she isn't feeding her lines about how i "used her" and such). i was so mad i was nearly shaking...i was just getting sick listening to her talk but i couldnt escape because i was waiting on my ride....ughhh it was the worst. i feel better because i wasn't wanting to break into tears, but i wanted to just punch a hole in the wall (no, i'm not a violent person, figure of speech).

 

so, as much as i tried to avoid it...it still happened.

 

then the kicker...my ride had lost me, so i ended up having to get a ride from "the friend" that she's seeing...that was fun.

 

it's just starting to seem a bit too intentional for me now, at first i could see it as mere chance or whatever, but that seems directly intended to bother me...her coming up right behind me to have her convos. yes, i kept my back to her the entire time.

[NewMe]

Well, for what it's worth, one of my male friends once did a tremendously sh*tty thing and started seeing one of his friend's exes, probably the most significant ex of his life, up until that point. We (his friends) couldn't believe he would do such a crappy thing, but it wasn't like we were going to really get involved. A year or so later, the two started becoming tight again. And now (years later) they're still really close, and the ex gf basically means nothing to either of them.

 

Seems to me that guys routinely do some ridiculous sh*t over women, and get bizarrely territorial, and there are weird subconscious alphamale struggles sometimes when you run with a pack. I don't pretend t understand any of that, but let's hope your friend eventually comes around.

 

Trying to see the bigger picture often helps me through bad emotional scenes.

 

Meanwhile, just please don't throw them closer together by showing you still care.

[flitzanu]

so on that note, does anyone have any methods on "showing that you don't care" for situations like this? i mean, i know i should just avoid all of it for a while, and hell, it may not last a month with those two, but i need to keep face when i see them, or her more to the point.

 

i also think her friends are involved...i saw one of them in the hall (at work, we all work together) and she snobbed me, didnt say a word...which she had no reason to ignore me...so makes me wonder how much smack talking is going on with her side of the story too. the drama ensues...

 

so...help...when i see her should i look away and not acknowledge or should i be all cordial and greet her and walk away...or what...or act busy? say "oh hi...im in a hurry, i have to go"

 

help?!