"Hot and cold is a screaming red flag for affair behavior"

[Popsicle]

A BS said this in the OW/OM section and I am wondering if this is true from the BS's perspective. Did your WS engage in hot and cold behavior with you while they were having an affair? If so, please give examples. If you are a WS, you can answer as well. Thank you.

[Minnie09]

Yes, totally. My ex-WS was very cold towards me, every time he had stepped out, ie going to strip clubs and getting some extras (or not, I don't even care), or whenever he would meet up with his LT-AP.

This cold behavior was displayed in different ways: he would treat me disrespectfully (eg insulting my appearance, cooking, random stuff,.....) knowing very well I wouldn't put up with it, which resulted in a fight, so he could leave the house for a few hours or all night and go about his sneaky business. He literally staged an argument. Every time. Very strategic. Very well planned and thought-through. And after it happened, every time: due to his own guilty conscience and because he felt BAD about it after, every time, and he couldn't stand himself, every time, he tried to deflect the blame. By bringing up how mean I am, what I do wrong with the kids, chores etc. During his escapades he'd always put me on the spot, for reasons that aren't even real reasons, just to deflect and distract from his own misbehavior, or in order to stonewall me in case I wanted to ask where he had been, what he'd been up to etc.

 

If nothing worked, which happened a lot, because I'm a tough cookie and wouldn't let him get away with ****, he blamed it on the drinking. It wouldn't have happened, if I hadn't been drinking. I shouldn't have done/met soandso, but I was drinking......I shouldn't be drinking. Drinking is the problem.....blahblah. Get it? It's not me - it's the drinking. So don't torture me any longer. Don't talk about it any longer. I am not a bad person......

 

I wouldn't have any of it. Drinking is an excuse, and he was the problem. Good riddance.

 

Yes: hot/cold.....clear red flag. Especially the cold.

[Ronnie33]

I think it has to do with the dynamic of the marriage too. I am a WS and my marriage has been rocky for years so it was normal for me to be annoyed or distant from my husband a lot of times for years before the affair. Once my affair started he didn't notice to much of a difference but he did comment on how my phone was always attached to me. I noticed during the affair my moods would reflect how my relationship with AP was. If I had a day where we talked all the time and were good I would be in a good mood but if it was a day where we barely talked and I felt distance or we weren't speaking I was in a bad mood and wanted to be alone.

 

Affairs suck the life out of you and it's almost impossible for it not to show no matter how well you think you can.

[Red123]

My M was in a really bad place before my H started his A so we were distant. I did feel something had changed during the time he was in the A because he was even more distant than usual and had his phone glued to him. We usually left our phones wherever but during that time it was with him all the time. I commented on it and he would dismiss it. He also had a password on it. Now the password is gone and he almost never has it with him. At the time it bothered me but not enough to look into it because we were in such a bad place but looking back it seems so obvious to me now.

[Popsicle]

Cold behavior I can see and understand, but what piqued my interest about this comment was that they said it was HOT and cold behavior, not just cold/distant behavior. Please give examples of both hot and cold occurring at the same time. I am very curious how this plays out.

[oldshirt]

Any significant change in behavior, habits, attitude, dress/grooming/fitness etc in a relatively short period of time deserves some due diligence in investigating.

[Red123]

Cold behavior I can see and understand, but what piqued my interest about this comment was that they said it was HOT and cold behavior, not just cold/distant behavior. Please give examples of both hot and cold occurring at the same time. I am very curious how this plays out.

 

The hot and cold didn't occur at the same time IME. We didn't have any changes in our sex life during that time that didn't come because of the state of our M but I do recall a few times that were really confusing. Once he had ignored me all day when u was attempting to get a hold of him at work via text

Then we got home and he was flirty and affectionate. I called him on it and it caused a fight. I'm pretty sure he had a nice ego stroking that day from his MOW so he was covering his tracks. I feel that probably happens in a lot if cases they have to cover themselves. My H had a pretty short A so everything happened rapidly so I didn't have as much of this as a LT A might have.

[Ronnie33]

Cold behavior I can see and understand, but what piqued my interest about this comment was that they said it was HOT and cold behavior, not just cold/distant behavior. Please give examples of both hot and cold occurring at the same time. I am very curious how this plays out.

 

I remember reading a BH posts on here saying that for years his wife had a low drive and never wanted to have sex and all of a sudden she wanted it twice a day. He said at the time he thought it was strange but was not going to complain about it and then after her affair was exposed he realized she was getting turned on by the other man and coming home to him. I would say that's definitely an example of hot and cold.

[forbidden_love]

It can also happen on the other side as an OW. My MM has been jeckle and hyde often forgetting what he had said and done. i am thinking it is not any different at home. Some times he is completely untouchable. I guess when he is having a nice time at home with the happy families thing (they have a very large extended family) that is when he is colder to me and vice versa I called him out on it and it made him mad. Then sometimes he has been sweeter than sweet to me, and I never know where I am.

[FortunateSon]

I remember reading a BH posts on here saying that for years his wife had a low drive and never wanted to have sex and all of a sudden she wanted it twice a day. He said at the time he thought it was strange but was not going to complain about it and then after her affair was exposed he realized she was getting turned on by the other man and coming home to him. I would say that's definitely an example of hot and cold.

This is something I am really curious about? In my the last relationship, for the last 2 years the sex was pretty bad, it was robotic, mechanical with no emotion from her. I distinctly remember a singular instance where during a quiet evening at home, for no rhyme or reason, she basically tore my clothes off like an animal and showed a passion and excitement for sex I hadn't seen from her in years. Surprised, afterwards I asked her what brought that on, I had not seen her like that for years, she said she "didn't know" and it was never like that again until we split. This makes me wonder if she was seeing or had feelings for someone else? Why was she like that in this one odd instance?

[gettingstronger]

No, he was the same moody guy before and during the A. He is now being treated for his depression and is a whole new person.

[forbidden_love]

For how long? My ex changed when he thought he was losing me, but i knew it was not going to last. If he was like that before the affair, then shucks, that must be worrying. I have never heard of depression causing an affair but I hope that was it.

[Ronnie33]

This is something I am really curious about? In my the last relationship, for the last 2 years the sex was pretty bad, it was robotic, mechanical with no emotion from her. I distinctly remember a singular instance where during a quiet evening at home, for no rhyme or reason, she basically tore my clothes off like an animal and showed a passion and excitement for sex I hadn't seen from her in years. Surprised, afterwards I asked her what brought that on, I had not seen her like that for years, she said she "didn't know" and it was never like that again until we split. This makes me wonder if she was seeing or had feelings for someone else? Why was she like that in this one odd instance?

 

Something probably did turn her on and she took it to you. I don't necessarily mean she was having an affair but chances are something triggered her.

[janedoe67]

Things were so bad and I had been sad for so long, at first I was actually in a BETTER mood. I cooked more, his snoring didn't bother me, I laughed again. Then the guilt got bigger and bigger and I was wound so tightly I was...brittle. Once I ended it I was the perfect spouse trying to assuage my guilt. He was floored because he had thought our M was getting better, not realizing what was causing it.

[EverySunset]

ha. I got both.

 

Hot when all his friends commented on what a catch I was, and how jealous they were (or how stupid he was to risk losing me) or cold when I gave him a hard time about drinking but his party girls didnt.

 

Both felt wretched once I figured it out.

[Popsicle]

Things were so bad and I had been sad for so long, at first I was actually in a BETTER mood. I cooked more, his snoring didn't bother me, I laughed again. Then the guilt got bigger and bigger and I was wound so tightly I was...brittle. Once I ended it I was the perfect spouse trying to assuage my guilt. He was floored because he had thought our M was getting better, not realizing what was causing it.

 

Wow, that's amazing. Thank you for sharing.

[forbidden_love]

Yeah sort of ex MM is so Jeckle and Hyde, some days good some days he is truly horrible and I have seen a side of him I do not recognise. then again I saw a side of me i didn't like either. stress of an affair does strange things to your head if you are deeply involved.