Should I tell her and if so how much do I tell

[DukofMalborough]

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years and have been faithful for 4 and a half of them. I need to end things now but don't know whether or not to tell her I've been cheating. I had been treading water for the last year thinking that we are both too young for a long-term relationship. We're both under 22. I could tell her that I think we're both too young and that I don't want either of us feeling like we've missed out on college life but I doubt that will hold much water. Telling her I've been cheating for the last six months would destroy her though. And so this is my predicament.

Any responses much appreciated

[soccerrprp]

I'm a little mixed, but considering that you've been having sex with another woman, you should let her know. Why? Because she has the right to know so that she can get test for STDs if your relationship(s) with other women have been unprotected.

[DukofMalborough]

Dats a gud point. There have been multiple women all unprotected. I have no symptoms of anything but of course that doesnt mean much. I just think of the repercussions of telling her. She's already a self-conscious person and I am the only man shes ever been with. Knowing that I've cheated could effect her long into the future whereas a more mutual breakup due to our youth would result in less hurt and emotional scarring

[Scorpio Chick]

Since you've had unprotected sex, especially with multiple women, and some sexually transmitted diseases don't show up until months later, you're obligated to tell her.

 

I wouldn't assume this news is going to devastate her and really, you don't have the prerogative to protect her from one of the risks involved when we give our heart to someone, and that is, that it can be broken. It might be broken, but it won't be killed, she will move on, we all do. And truthfully, as several posts on LS will tell you, for all you know, she's been unfaithful to you the entire relationship. You really don't know, but it's certainly possible.

 

I would recommend you do tell her so she can be tested for any diseases you may have given her. This is more worrisome right now than her heart being broken, that can heal, and hopefully her health doesn't suffer.

[DukofMalborough]

Your final question is interesting. I have considered whether my questioning of whether or not to tell her that I have been cheating is merely because I don't want to face telling her. That is why I have taken to this forum, so as to feel better about whatever decision I make. Just being honest.

I take exception to the remark that she may be cheating. After 5 years we know each other well. She is suspicious of me because she knows me and I trust she hasn't cheated because I know her.

I wonder does anyone think there is a situation in which it would be better not to tell.

[dragon_fly_7]

You should tell her for three reasons:

 

1) You can give her a horrible gift. By that I mean STD's.

2) She doesn't deserve that type of distorted ''love''.

3) She doesn't deserve someone like you: a cheater

 

No further comments.....

[DukofMalborough]

Just to be clear I am ending the relationship. The question is whether I tell her I have cheated due to the impact that might have on her. The danger of STD's is very real but highly unlikely also.

I'll ask again. Is there any case in which omitting the fact I have cheated would be the right thing to do? Perhaps it is kinder.

[HappyLove]

No, if you really love her be honest with her!

[No Limit]

I'll ask again. Is there any case in which omitting the fact I have cheated would be the right thing to do? Perhaps it is kinder.

 

It's selfish and weak. There is no way to make a breakup "kind". Don't chase an illusion.

[DukofMalborough]

Well feedback has been unanimous and unfortunately not what I was hoping for. Now to pluck up the courage to tell her everything. Will definitely need to bring a box of Kleenex since I'm going to break her heart. There is no chance we'll remain friends but I guess I have that coming.

Thanks for the feedback all

[dragon_fly_7]

Well feedback has been unanimous and unfortunately not what I was hoping for. Now to pluck up the courage to tell her everything. Will definitely need to bring a box of Kleenex since I'm going to break her heart. There is no chance we'll remain friends but I guess I have that coming.

Thanks for the feedback all

Turn the tables around and you would probably expect to be told the truth too.

 

I guarantee you would feel a lot better facing the music. No, it's not going to be as easy as when you cheated but you created this mess. Even if you're breaking up, she does needs to know you were putting her health at risk.

 

Keep us updated. Yes, indeed she's going to be devasted but I would want to know too if I were her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to be clear I am ending the relationship. The question is whether I tell her I have cheated due to the impact that might have on her. The danger of STD's is very real but highly unlikely also.

I'll ask again. Is there any case in which omitting the fact I have cheated would be the right thing to do? Perhaps it is kinder.

 

Explain why it's highly unlikely?

 

Infections are indiscriminate. Your girlfriend at the very least deserves to know you selfishly put her health at risk. She will need to be tested now and several months from now. There is an incubation period for some infections and diseases, so they may not show up in a test for while. Including HIV.

 

Why are you taking such a big gamble with your own health, OP?

[Scorpio Chick]

Duke, you also need to tell her because she has every right to know that you cheated on her. If you don't tell her, you are carrying on the lie, and that says a lot about your character. If you don't tell her, and for some reason down the line you or she wants to get back together, the information that you cheated needs to be in her database of info about who you really are as a person, and it will let her have the info she needs to decide if she wants to get back with you. Is it possible that deep down this is your motive for not telling her? And why would you take offense, or exception, at the suggestion that she may have cheated on you?? Is there something wrong with 'cheating'?

[ThatGirl213]

I think you should get tested for stds first?

 

I agree with the above comments that she has every right to know the kind of person she was with but when I got to know how much my ex had cheated on me, I could not trust anyone anymore. I still cannot. It is a horrible state to be in. You become insecure and it would be very difficult to the same person again. Honestly I wish I hadn't know he cheated on me and he had just broken it off with me. I would have been much happier at the moment.

 

Do whatever you feel like. If you don't want to tell her, that's fine. If you do wish to get back with her later on, you can tell her then. Maybe by then she would have gotten over the pain of this breakup and might be able to process it better. If she ever got to know of your cheating from elsewhere, it will hurt her really badly. She might never want to talk to you again. Same if you told her yourself but she would atleast have some respect for you for your honesty.

Edited May 18, 2014 by ThatGirl213

[rns4lyfe]

This is pathetic! You could've passed along an std to your girlfriend! There's no way in hell that this will end well! You're breaking up with her plus telling her she must get tested because you've been having unprotected sex with other women! She is going to be devastated. You should've broke up with her beforehand imo

[TAV]

Explain why it's highly unlikely?

 

Infections are indiscriminate. Your girlfriend at the very least deserves to know you selfishly put her health at risk. She will need to be tested now and several months from now. There is an incubation period for some infections and diseases, so they may not show up in a test for while. Including HIV.

 

Why are you taking such a big gamble with your own health, OP?

 

I agree; a STD is not written on someone's forehead. The girls you slept with might have told you they were virgins or in a monogamous relationship but people lie, just like you lie.

 

If you cared anything for your gf you tell her and give her a chance to get tested. Some STD's cause fertility problems too next to making a person ill. You don't want to have that on your conscience.

 

The moral dilemma is a whole other issue. I guess you'd prefer to look at yourself in the mirror and like the man you see, so do what's right.

[Lovinlady]

As a female in a similar situation, (I suspect my bf of cheating on me) it hurts me more to know that he is lying to me than it does that he is cheating on me. Have enough respect for her to tell her the truth.

[hoping2heal]

Well feedback has been unanimous and unfortunately not what I was hoping for. Now to pluck up the courage to tell her everything. Will definitely need to bring a box of Kleenex since I'm going to break her heart. There is no chance we'll remain friends but I guess I have that coming.

Thanks for the feedback all

 

Be sure to explain that there have been multiple unprotected partners.

 

Yes, she will be hurt but she will also come to her senses when the smoke clears and thank her lucky stars she is rid of you.

 

It's bad enough to cheat, but the part where you have unprotected sex with multiple people that is where I just start seeing red. Completely disgusting, completely. There is no way for me to water it down or be politically correct, I'm sorry. I hope to heaven that your girlfriend does not contact anything and since you are ignorant about the fact that std's can be asymptomatic in some people, will just let you know it happens!

 

I knew someone who caught an std from her husband who was cheating..but dun dun dun he hadn't shown symptoms so he didn't realize he was infected.

 

Yeah that happens. If you wanna cheat that's one thing, don't jeopardize someone else's health so you can put your pecker in a greener pasture.

[DukofMalborough]

Interesting to hear from ThatGirl231 as someone who has actually been on the end of this kind of breakup. She says she would have preferred not to have known. Everyone's very concerned by the chance of infection. I just don't see it. I have no symptoms and neither do my friends who behave in the same way. I am in Ireland after all. And to be honest if I do tell her I cheated I will not be telling her to get herself tested, there's just no way.

Come on then I'm ready for the outrage this post will attract.

[ExpatInItaly]

Interesting to hear from ThatGirl231 as someone who has actually been on the end of this kind of breakup. She says she would have preferred not to have known. Everyone's very concerned by the chance of infection. I just don't see it. I have no symptoms and neither do my friends who behave in the same way. I am in Ireland after all. And to be honest if I do tell her I cheated I will not be telling her to get herself tested, there's just no way.

Come on then I'm ready for the outrage this post will attract.

 

I'm guessing now that this isn't real. Nothing to see here, folks.

[dragon_fly_7]

I'm guessing now that this isn't real. Nothing to see here, folks.

Was about to say the same time. I guess bunnies are hopping.

[No Limit]

Everyone's very concerned by the chance of infection. I just don't see it. I have no symptoms and neither do my friends who behave in the same way. I am in Ireland after all.

 

Don't care whether this is fake or not, but someone out there might be reading this, so here it goes;

America is NOT the only country with STDs, so be careful. I remember a story of a boy who went slumming a lot and suddenly was rushed into hospital, HIV positive and close to AIDS breakout. By that point he had already infected 6 girls though, and God only knows how many they've infected by the time they found out.

 

At some point I do wish people a few decades ago would have taken a more spartanic view of life and had killed the few first people infected with HIV. I know this sounds like I'm a heartless monster or something like that but at the very least it would have prevented one of the most nasty STDs to spread this far.

[ThatMan]

Interesting to hear from ThatGirl231 as someone who has actually been on the end of this kind of breakup. She says she would have preferred not to have known. Everyone's very concerned by the chance of infection. I just don't see it. I have no symptoms and neither do my friends who behave in the same way. I am in Ireland after all. And to be honest if I do tell her I cheated I will not be telling her to get herself tested, there's just no way.

Come on then I'm ready for the outrage this post will attract.

 

There's no country in the world that's free of sexual transmitted diseases.

 

Don't be a reckless idiot. Get yourself tested.

[Zahara]

Everyone's very concerned by the chance of infection. I just don't see it. I have no symptoms and neither do my friends who behave in the same way.

 

Symptoms sometimes don't show up months and sometimes years after being infected. There are people that never show symptoms at all but upon infecting someone else, that person may show symptoms based on how well one's body is able to suppress or allow it to progress.

 

Do your homework. Educate yourself. Don't just look around and use you and your friends "no symptoms eventhough they all sleep around" as your educated solution. It's ignorant. It's people like you and an ex of mine that throw caution to the wind having no care that it could be at the expense of another and that it could ruin someone else's life and future.

[BetrayedH]

If you break up with her for no apparent reason, she's going to blame herself. If you break up with her and explain that you've cheated, she'll blame you (eventually). Does she deserve to blame herself, not knowing that you've had unprotected sex with multiple women? Of course not. Be a man and take the heat.

 

As for your confidence that you don't have STDs, is there anyone that has had sex and thought they were contracting a disease at the time? You would be a classic case of thinking you're safe when you're not, just like everyone else that has gotten an STD. Unknowingly, she has had sex with everyone that you've had sex with, and everyone that they have had sex with, ad nauseum. She deserves the right to know that she might have been exposed so that she can get tested, seek medical treatment if she has contracted something, and to protect her future partners.

 

Keeping this silent is just protecting yourself. Quit pretending that you're somehow protecting her. That's just the same kind of rationalizing that you've done throughout your time cheating. The fact is that you're a piss-poor judge of what's best for her. Emperically, your judgment in this regard sucks. Give her the information so that she can make an informed decision on her own. If she thinks she wasn't put at any risk and doesn't need to get tested, that's her choice and not yours. I bet she'll feel differently than you, even in Ireland.