Am I a typical male, or is my wife being controlling?

[mittean]

I am recently married. I love my wife, but am struggling right now with her seeming control issues, and want to get some objective opinions on whether or not it is me who is in the wrong, or if I need to do something else.

 

I have enjoyed my sense of imagination lfor my entire life. I grew up with science fiction, and especially fantasy, as a great way of focusing my hyperactivity, and creativeness, not to mention my emotions and ideas. I am now 27, and happily married. In my private time, I still enjoy reading a good novel, or pulling out some of my old role-playing games, and poking around with them for awhile to relax. I also used to have a subscription to two related gaming magazines. I have never abused this, or made it so it is more important than my wife, or anything she needs. When we got together, she said I could not renew the subscription, sighting finacial reasons. Ok, I agreed. I couldn't get any more rpg books, or new novels, for the same reason. Thats fine, I do have plenty to keep me occupied for awhile, considering I didn't have that much free time anyway. (This is time not working studying, cleaning, or spending with my wife.) Then she said I couldn't have the old magazines, as they cluttered everything. I had them neatly put away in a cupboard, but I did have about three years worth in both magazines. So I consented to keeping only the most recent year. Then, she decided I should only have the most current issues, the rest should be thrown away. I disagreed. We allready had an arrangment. After I threw away many of them AGAIN, because she was making me feel as if I didn't love her because I would choose some stupid magazine over her, she decided I could have only THE most recent, out of BOTH magazines, and I was not allowed the new one until I had finished it, and thrown it away.

 

This frustrates me. We had come to a compromise. I would keep only the years recent ones, even if I really liked old issues. Then, when she dicided I got less than that, I disagreed, but rather than working it out, she either throws them away, or destroys them, without my consent. Am I wrong in feeling she has completely stepped off? That she is being controlling to a ridiculous degree?

 

David

[whichwayisup]

I think she is being unfair and controlling. Compromise...Seems it's "YOU do what I say or you don't love me" kind of attitude. And that is wrong.

 

As a married couple, each of us has to BE on our own and do our own thing. You're not there to entertain her when she is bored...Co-habit. She has to do things she loves to do on her own too. Girls night or whatever her passions are.

 

Just because one gets married doesn't mean GET RID OF YOUR STUFF. Just unfair. How would she like it if she had a collection of something that she loved and you came along and told her 'get rid of it because it's cluttering up the house, do it or else you don't really love me.' Ask her that, see what she says.

 

David, I feel for ya. My husband and I rarely fight, the things most couples fight about really in the end, WHO CARES?? Those little things mean nothing. She has to learn to allow you to enjoy your things...Even if she doesn't like it..There was NO reason why you could not have put them in a box somewhere and still kept them all.

 

Good luck and keep on posting!!

[tattoomytoe]

maybe the newness of newlywed-ism is freaking her out! now she HAS to (or maybe feels like she does) consult YOu in decision, where being a single gal it was what ever she wanted.

 

that is my thought.

[tiki]

Tell her to throw away her shoes.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe she just doesn't like your hobbies and interests and sees them as something to be discouraged. It sounds like she's going about the business of eradicating those hobbies of yours that she doesn't like and using emotional blackmail to see that you do things her way, in hopes that once its gone you won't be interested in it any more and focus your attention on what she considers to be the most important thing in your marriage: her.

 

Seriously, I feel sorry for you in that situation. You sound like a caring sort of guy who is open to compromise and seeing that your wife is happy. I am having to go back and delete mean things that I feel like saying about her in this situation.

 

How to fix the situation? Ask her what her REAL problem is. Why exactly is it so important that she do this?

[alphamale]

MITTEAN, if you don't grow a backbone real fast and start standing up to this woman then one of two things will eventually happen to you:

 

1) she will eventually leave you for a man who is not a pushover, or

2) you will stay married forever but YOUR life will be a living nightmare.

 

neither scenario is good.

[moimeme]

She sounds depressingly like one of those women who think their job is to boss the man for the rest of her life. How did her parents relate? That could be a huge clue.

 

A marriage is supposed to allow both people to be who they are. If you don't abuse space or money or time with your hobby (and having a stack of magazines is not abusing space; a full room would be!) then she is being extremely unfair. You're not a tenant in her house; both of you live there and should have, at minimum, equal rights to space, hobbies, etc.

 

I'm sorry this is happening. I apologize for my gender.

[Craig]

She is 100% wrong for throwing out or destroying your property without your consent.

 

Please keep an eye on your other property because it is not uncommon for one spouse to throw out or destroy the other spouses property without consent.

 

If you are not there for your magazines who will be. If your magazines are "dissapearing" now it is only a matter of time before other property of yours "dissapears." Eventually the only thing of yours in the house will be your clothing. Do not let her get away with any more of this.

 

If you weren't married she could get arrested for this kind of behavior.

[Anna68]

Yep, this is over the top, but I think its part of the general newlywed learning curve. Keeping them neatly in a cupboard is a great plan. My DH has a home office. It could be the most cluttered, messy room in the house, but I'm not going to clean it. It's his sanctuary and he has magazine collections and boxes of papers that I would've tossed out years ago. He has interests and hobbies that I may not necessarily find as interesting, but that it what makes him part of who he is.

 

Don't let her get rid of something you enjoy without your consent. I'll admit to tossing out old socks or underwear that are long past their expiration dates, but this is VERY different. Make sure she knows how important this is to you.

[CoolAunt]

Ya' know, Mittean, there's a woman out there whose husband is sucking the life out of her expecting her to entertain him...Or, he's not "sexing" her because he's got a cupboard full of porn mags...Or, he's mean to her because his hobby is drinking a twelve pack of beer every night. I bet that woman WISHES her husband collected and played RPG games, mags, sci-fi books, etc., and would gladly let him have a cupboard or two to keep them in. Your wife should read this and realize that even if the rpg mags are an eyesore, she's sweatin' the small stuff.

 

Cool Aunt

[Mz. Pixie]

You're crazy to put up with that!!!

 

My bf loves golf. He has tons of stuff to do with golf in his home office. I would never ask him to throw any of that away. It's precious to him.

 

This is a control issue- let her know now that's unacceptable.

 

Everyone in marriage is allowed to have a personal life unrelated to infidelity of course.

 

Why do women think that they can change a man when they marry them??

 

There would be tons less divorces if women would accept the men for who they are. Don't marry them if you think they will change!