Can't seem to get over cheating after a few years..

[Tinydancer07]

I've never done something like this, but it's gotten to a point where I feel like I need help.

 

Okay, I'll start from the beginning. I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 and a half years. But we was together before that, for only about 9 months, then he broke up with me.

At that point, when he broke up with me, he told me it was because he felt it wasn't working and the distance was pulling us apart (at that point, I lived in another city, just purely for working only and was only a 2hr drive away from him) But anyways, he broke up with me, totally broke my heart but that was that.

When it happened though, I had a feeling he had cheated, he seemed off and things wasn't right when I saw him, like he couldn't really look at me. But so we broke up.

Not long after the break up, I got another job back home, and back where he lived also. Not long after I moved home I got told he has cheated on me with his ex, not long before he broke up with me. Initially I was devastated, but I got over it as I realised well he didn't want to be with me anyways so I may as well get over it and meet someone new myself.

Months had moved on, I had quite a few dates with other guys, kissed some frogs but always held a candle to my ex. So it was about 9 month later, my ex and I got back in contact and we started speaking. He told me that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life and he's been missing me terribly. So after a lot of talking, and sorting stuff out, we got back together.

When we was talking, he did confess he had cheated on me, and said although he knew it wasn't right what he did, he felt the relationship wasn't working, he didn't feel happy and the distance was a problem. So I forgave him. And we worked through it. HE told me it was only kissing and only once.

 

But I have a problem. Every single time I have a drink, and get drunk, and I mean every single time, I throw it in his face. I bring it up and rub it in his face.

 

I verbally abuse him, tell him he's a dick, *******, that I hate him, I don't want to be with him, go back to your ex, say that I bet he's done it again, go shag other girls, all this horrible stuff. And, as I'm writing this, I have tears in my eyes, I have began to hit him. Like slapping his face and pushing him around. I feel horrible about the whole thing, and utter disgusted with myself over what I'm doing.

And for some reason I don't understand why I'm doing it.. When I'm sober, it's not a problem, I'm fine, I'm so in love with him and he's my world and I want to marry him and have his kids, and feel like I've moved passed it.

He is a saint and just puts up with all of this from me, and sticks by me, and when I'm shouting all this horrible stuff at him, he just sits an takes it, but I feel he's not going to take much more, and I don't blame him, and he's going to leave me. And I don't want that, I want to be with him. I really need help from someone on what I should do here, or how can I truly move on from this completely.

 

What can I do to stop this? I really want to change and stop going through this every time I have a drink, it's going on years ago now and yet I still pull up old ****. Is there anything I can do to change my thinking? Any advice would be greatly appreciated to save my relationship.

[Scorpio Chick]

For starters, I wouldn't drink. That is within your complete control to stop. Clearly it is causing you this problem, so it has to go. It only ages you anyway!

 

It lowers our inhibitions, so all the thoughts you naturally harbor about him cheating come out when you're drunk. You can control them when you're sober. You already made the decision to get back with him, knowing he cheated, so it's not fair to keep bringing it up to him.

 

You have to stop, if you want to stay with him, and focus on having a good relationship with him, and decide, DECIDE, to drop the cheating as a tool to lash out. It's done, and you accepted him back knowing about it.

 

Relationships should mostly be about having good times with that person, obviously. Too many more of these drunken outbursts, and he will leave. I would apologize to him very sincerely and tell him you are going to move on with him and leave that in the past. Maybe plan a short, fun weekend out of town with him, and then, forget about that incident! Good luck!

[Tinydancer07]

Thank you for giving me your honest advice.

 

I can honestly say that I have cut back on my drinking a lot and it's something I don't do much now, only more for an occasion, not just for fun (the reason I was drinking last night was because I was at a 30th birthday party, still no excuses) But I totally agree with what you're saying, the drinking needs to stop, because that is when the problems start.

 

That's something I'm going to really have to work on if I want to keep my boyfriend, which I do. I'm sitting here thinking back of all our nights out together memories, where there was alcohol, and we always fight and I know it's me that starts it (he's a lover not a fighter) and that just has to change and it has to be me.

[Scorpio Chick]

I think you can do it, and it sounds like otherwise, ya'll have a strong relationship. I raise a glass of milk to toast and wish y'all a happy relationship!

[ThatGirl213]

I think you need to meet a therapist and stop drinking. Stop drinking. Period. Have a cocktail or two if you must have but nothing strong. Seems you just cannot handle your liquor. Keep communication open with you bf and ask him how he feels about this. The more you two talk it out, the easier it will be for you to get over it. Remember you chose to give him another chance and it is important you forgive him if you want him in your life. Everyone runs out of patience at some point. If you do not want to lose him, try your best to put the past in the past.

[Tinydancer07]

Thanks for your messages.

 

Yeah, milk! No more alcohol!

 

I agree with what you're saying with stopping drinking, or if I do have a drink, make it a cocktail or something I can sip at rather than down.

My relationship is my life, and I'm not that type of person who does stuff like this, and I've been disappointing myself when I'm doing it. So no more. It has to stop, or he's going to leave, I feel this time there is something different like what you said about there is only so much a person can take, and I think he may be getting to that point, so I need to stop this now, make the changes now before it's too late.

[Tinydancer07]

Thank you for your great advice Turnpike99.

 

I understand everything you are saying. The reason I'm saying cutting back, is so then I can eventually stop, I have to confess that I don't think I could completely stop straight away, but if I do it bit by bit I'm sure I can stop.

 

I really appreciate you mentioning the fact that what he did was wrong, although what I'm doing is wrong also.

 

Do you really think he truly loves me after what I've done? I feel so ashamed that I hit him last night, I've never done anything like that before, and I can't believe I done it. Never again will I do that, I feel disgusted with myself, that I actually hit my boyfriend.

[Twilightsteve]

I agree with all the replies you've had so far.

You both seem to be in each other's heart so no one else will do.

Good luck x