Hope4thefuture Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 My STBXH moved out last summer. He moved on to another relationship pretty quickly. We are still not divorced. He has introduced the boys to her already. I have been on my own since he left. No dating. Just working on me and trying to move on. It is so hard some days. I feel sad and alone sometimes. Other days everything seems like it will be ok. I am terrified I will end up alone. I don't want to date someone just so I am not alone. I want it to be for the right reasons. I just really miss that emotional connection to someone. I miss sharing my life with someone else. I never dated that much when I was younger. My husband was my first "serious" relationship. I am scared to start over again. How will I know I am ready to date again? It seems like my STBX has been gone forever, but it also seems too soon still. One day will I just know? Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 My STBXH moved out last summer. He moved on to another relationship pretty quickly. We are still not divorced. He has introduced the boys to her already. I have been on my own since he left. No dating. Just working on me and trying to move on. It is so hard some days. I feel sad and alone sometimes. Other days everything seems like it will be ok. I am terrified I will end up alone. I don't want to date someone just so I am not alone. I want it to be for the right reasons. I just really miss that emotional connection to someone. I miss sharing my life with someone else. I never dated that much when I was younger. My husband was my first "serious" relationship. I am scared to start over again. How will I know I am ready to date again? It seems like my STBX has been gone forever, but it also seems too soon still. One day will I just know? You are doing exactly what I did to myself, it's natural...but you'll drive mad putting yourself under so much pressure. I'm 17 months separated, I've not been on a single date... Don't know if that is normal or not, but what I do know that inside I'm just not ready yet. The last thing a grieving person should do is rebound. I also think men and women deal with things in a different way, also if its them who broke it off they have detached mentally a long time before us. I still hurt, but not nearly as much as I used to.. I think I will never understand how a person can seem so ok, sleep with someone , tell the they love them up until the day they leave and just move on as if nothing ever was. It's just not worth thinking about... It just makes you sad SS x Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 You are doing exactly what I did to myself, it's natural...but you'll drive mad putting yourself under so much pressure. I'm 17 months separated, I've not been on a single date... Don't know if that is normal or not, but what I do know that inside I'm just not ready yet. The last thing a grieving person should do is rebound. I also think men and women deal with things in a different way, also if its them who broke it off they have detached mentally a long time before us. I still hurt, but not nearly as much as I used to.. I think I will never understand how a person can seem so ok, sleep with someone , tell the they love them up until the day they leave and just move on as if nothing ever was. It's just not worth thinking about... It just makes you sad SS x What if it is abnormal? It's not . Even if it is you are smart to take care of yourself first before getting involved with anyone I think. I have been gone now for 18 months, divorced a year next month. In the beginning I dated like a mad man, but it never seemed to turn out well. I chose to stop dating about 9 months ago and I am glad I did. I did have a date on Friday, she is cute, she is nice, but I feel she may be not be ready as she is so guarded. I get it, I was cheated on by both my Ws, but if I am going to put myself out there I will have to trust. OP, you will know when you are ready, don't be in a rush.....take advantage of that "YOU" time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Not sure if it's smart... Just want to run a mile if I do get approached:laugh:... Which means I'm not ready. If I keep dropping my bundle every now n then like I keep doing also means I'm not ready. OP it's early days, you will experience many highs & lows for a while yet, it sadly takes time... I think happiness in yourself before trying to date again. SS x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 My STBXH moved out last summer. He moved on to another relationship pretty quickly. We are still not divorced. He has introduced the boys to her already. I have been on my own since he left. No dating. Just working on me and trying to move on. It is so hard some days. I feel sad and alone sometimes. Other days everything seems like it will be ok. I am terrified I will end up alone. I don't want to date someone just so I am not alone. I want it to be for the right reasons. I just really miss that emotional connection to someone. I miss sharing my life with someone else. I never dated that much when I was younger. My husband was my first "serious" relationship. I am scared to start over again. How will I know I am ready to date again? It seems like my STBX has been gone forever, but it also seems too soon still. One day will I just know? Why not make yourself available for a cup of coffee? If its a bust - try another cup of coffee with another? If its a bust - yet another... and if its not a bust...well, there ya go. You won;t know until you go - so try - try a few just in case the "bust" is lack of "spark" and not a broader issue of not being ready. And really, its a state of mind - if you want to be ready you will be... Link to post Share on other sites
KaliKatherine Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 I struggle with this too. At this time I've been Separated for 7 months, divorced since February. Definitely not ready to be 'out' there but starting to think about what it might be like to be dating someone. Aside from the whole 'working on me' part, it seems really obvious to me that any additional cause for heartbreak at this time would be too much to handle in addition to setting back my recovery. There's already so much rebuilding happening in my life, new job, single parenting ( the really single kind since the dad is in another state), no finances, new town, new friends...how to even Begin to find the energy to deal with dating, even just for fun, while looking for early red flags? I suppose like other posters have said-- when I'm ready, I'll know. Link to post Share on other sites
North_London Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 My wife of 17 years cheated on me and we split end November 13 - my initial discovery of something untoward was in Sep. It was traumatic as I never expected it. I spent most of December in a haze, and in the New Year I made some decisions... - my relationship was over, and I could never reconcile with a cheater - my core values are in tact and I'm not responsible for her choices - I've learned what I would do differently in a relationship next time, and clear unguarded communication is so important. I was nervous to date again, and the fear of being rejected is high... but an acquaintance set me up on a blind date in February and while I was just expecting to get some dating experience, I met someone with whom I clicked on so many levels. We're together and going really well - the relationship has a future. I'd read so much about rebound relationships and that does scare me. I don't think this is, but do you know when you're in one? That being said: I've met someone whom I've love, and who I know loves me. So, my view is take a risk because you never know when you'll meet that Someone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 My wife of 17 years cheated on me and we split end November 13 - my initial discovery of something untoward was in Sep. It was traumatic as I never expected it. I spent most of December in a haze, and in the New Year I made some decisions... - my relationship was over, and I could never reconcile with a cheater - my core values are in tact and I'm not responsible for her choices - I've learned what I would do differently in a relationship next time, and clear unguarded communication is so important. I was nervous to date again, and the fear of being rejected is high... but an acquaintance set me up on a blind date in February and while I was just expecting to get some dating experience, I met someone with whom I clicked on so many levels. We're together and going really well - the relationship has a future. I'd read so much about rebound relationships and that does scare me. I don't think this is, but do you know when you're in one? That being said: I've met someone whom I've love, and who I know loves me. So, my view is take a risk because you never know when you'll meet that Someone. WOW! You sir are me hero! Everything you said is so true and I feel almost identical on your 3 points. I have started to get out there a little and I am starting to have your same attitude. Thanks for this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 So, my view is take a risk because you never know when you'll meet that Someone. Think this is true... And will try and keep in mind For me I think I was so blindsided and had to deal with so many changes in a short time, that I couldn't of thought about a relationship. I want to be ticking over inside before I date, I also wanted to make sure my children are settled before me looking to date because they are with me all the time. My son asks lots of questions if I talk about a male he doesn't know. If I'm honest too, I'm so scared of going on a few dead dates because I'm so worried it will set me back! I'm so not up for internet date sites!! I like meeting people naturally and getting to know them, not 'getting poked or a wink' via a dating site... All really cheesy for me Link to post Share on other sites
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