Positives of an affair

[Soverysad123]

I was just wondering if you can see the positives in your affair/ex affair.

 

I feel now after just a couple of months that the A will help me have a stronger M and better relationship.

 

I am seeing my H in a different light.

 

Now he does not know of the affair so he doesn't need to spend the next 5 years getting over it and I feel it's now in the pass and we can move forward.

 

Just wondering who else sees there affair as a positive. Don't get me wrong I don't think it's right and I don't think having one is ever the answer to a bad marriage but a lot of us have and just wondering if you look back and think of the positives.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I understand where you're coming from, or at least the thought process behind it (flawed as it may be) but this is sort like asking about the positives of having cancer.

 

You might get a few people who say you learn to appreciate loved ones more or really "experience life" and a few unstable Munchhausen types who might state that cancer really garnered them the attention they craved or some such but the majority of normal individuals would tell you it's just best not to have cancer, no matter which way you look at it.

 

There are those who say cheating helps boosts ones confidence both sexually and intellectually. Others claim it helped them appreciate their spouse, etc etc. All this of course, is at the expense of another human being, whether you think they'll find out or not.

 

Honestly, the only thing cheating has done for me is prove to myself (after having been cheated on) that I can do it too and I can hurt him like he hurt me.

 

That being said, I did not feel good about myself the first time I had sex with someone else. I did briefly sympathize with him in that I finally understood the ease in which one can betray a lover or a spouse, no matter how deeply they may feel and I also see that I do appreciate certain things about him more but it's hardly worth the trouble of sneaking around and lying all the time.

Edited May 19, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[Goodbye]

Did you mean for this to be in the OW section and not the infidelity section?

 

In hindsight, there was nothing positive about being the OW. Well, I suppose I'm less trusting going forward, maybe that will save me some grief.

[Soverysad123]

Yes this was meant for the ow/om board. Whoops x

[Goodbye]

Well it is on the OW/OM board...but it seems to have more to do with your infidelity and the impact on your marriage than anything to do with the OM.

[Owl]

I was just wondering if you can see the positives in your affair/ex affair.

 

I feel now after just a couple of months that the A will help me have a stronger M and better relationship.

 

I am seeing my H in a different light.

 

Now he does not know of the affair so he doesn't need to spend the next 5 years getting over it and I feel it's now in the pass and we can move forward.

 

Just wondering who else sees there affair as a positive. Don't get me wrong I don't think it's right and I don't think having one is ever the answer to a bad marriage but a lot of us have and just wondering if you look back and think of the positives.

 

Do you think the bolded is something your H would thank you for doing years from now? This doesn't benefit him...it benefits you. This just robs him of the choice to reconcile with you or not based on the full knowledge of what you've done. YOU get to move forward...he's still left in the dark.

 

Why not tell him the truth...and let HIM look for the 'positives' of your affair?

[cocorico]

There were definitely positive outcomes from my A.

 

For myself, I fell in love with the most wonderful man, and we are very happy together.

For him, he escaped a toxic M and now has a R based on love and mutual respect.

For his kids, hey have a home where people love each other, treat each other with respect, and where everyone is a constructive member of the family.

For his family, they got their son / brother back.

For his colleagues, he's now a happy, productive member of the team.

For his friends, he's a pleasure to be around.

We learned so much about Rs, about ourselves and each other. We wake up each day delighted that we're together, grateful for the opportunities we have to grow and share our love.

[Lostinlife4now]

I am going to say this one time and one time ONLY:

 

 

THERE IS NOTHING POSITIVE ABOUT BEING IN AN AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!

[Sub]

I think the question could be pointed toward whether or not the A itself is responsible for these positives. Not necessarily if good things developed in spite of the A. There are various ways people can end up happy in their R. Sometimes it's implied that the A was the only way for that to happen.

[A.Moscote]

I believe there is always something we can learn from any situation. Keep on reflecting from yours and learn all the whats, hows, and why so that you'll be well-equipped to face similar tempts and problems in the future. We all have made mistakes and acted wrongly. Let's just grow from this and be more conscientious and wiser.

 

Hopefully you don't have to carry the truth to your grave or you husband to his. Just pray for a suitable time in the future when you can confess and ask for true forgiveness. Be positive, we'd never know the twist of events around the corner.

 

Please enjoy and cherish this newly found light in your life. I agree that this is really a great chance to improve your marriage. Whatever joy you got from the affair you can replicate it again if both of you are willing to be open and committed to work on it.

[purplesorrow]

I was just wondering if you can see the positives in your affair/ex affair.

 

I feel now after just a couple of months that the A will help me have a stronger M and better relationship.

 

I am seeing my H in a different light.

 

Now he does not know of the affair so he doesn't need to spend the next 5 years getting over it and I feel it's now in the pass and we can move forward.

 

Just wondering who else sees there affair as a positive. Don't get me wrong I don't think it's right and I don't think having one is ever the answer to a bad marriage but a lot of us have and just wondering if you look back and think of the positives.

 

I think it is easy to feel this way because you haven't given your spouse the opportunity to see you in a different light. He will look at you differently once he knows you betrayed him.

[soccerrprp]

What ridiculous and destructive logic!

 

People who think this way, and there have been plenty of hideous people in our history who have. No need to name them. They justify the means by the ends regardless of who they hurt, deceive, what lives are destroyed, what morale values are stomped on.

 

OP, people like you destroy relationships. You may have pulled your now SO from a toxic relationship, but it proves that you and your SO are capable of trampling on any sanctity of marriage or the respect of other human beings. Your situation turned out for the better it seems. But, beware, that your values, logic don't fester to the point that you or your current SO begins to employ the same reasoning to find the next affair.

[AmyBamy]

Every experience is a chance for all involved to grow and learn and get more perspective and insight. Sometimes learning things is painful. Sometimes we are forced to learn things by changes in those around us. Some people can't find any good in anything and consistently claim victimhood and yell unfairness. Others brush the dirt off and take what they can from the experience and use it to move forward positively, stronger and smarter.

 

I learned a lot about myself and relationships in both my previous marriage (which was horrible) and in the affair. I gained a lot of perspective about the world that I didn't have before them. Needed perspective because I was living in a pretty sheltered and naive bubble prior. The truth of relationships and people and the world that I learned now help me navigate more surely and I'm appreciative of that. It allows me to be more confident and more secure in my choices and relationships. It allows me understanding of others that I didn't have before which breeds empathy for those I might have loathed before and understanding of their humanity.

 

The more knowledge you have of the world around you the better off you will be. Some people refuse to accept new knowledge because it changes the world around them too much and they can't adjust. Others embrace it and take what they can from it. I find that the latter are happier people and able to move through life much more fluidly.

[gettingstronger]

I have to agree that your spouse not knowing clouds the idea that this is a positive experience.

[Tullyseptember]

In my personal situation there was no positives of having been in an affair. The pain I inflicted on myself and others was hardly anything I could look back on and say "I'm so glad I had an affair, life is clearer and I appreciate what I do have"! What I do though is reflect on my behaviour and work on why I allowed myself to be deceitful. It's tough and not pleasant to face my lack of character of how I chose to cope with a tough home life. In my opinion I don't see how people can go from one extreme of sadness and misery to happiness and positive without a lot of hard work and several years of therapy to get to the root of what was really wrong in the first place to first stay in an unhappy marriage and two engage in an affair to bandaid the unhappiness within.

 

For me I know what is wrong and what is right in how I conduct my personal behaviour it can be a struggle at times but I'm finding the goal of being a compassionate, kind and decent human being far outweighs using quick fixes to bandaid my insecurities.

[KathyM]

Affairs seriously damage or destroy marriages and families, destroy trust between spouses, damage/destroy trust that children had for their parents and their future ability to trust. Even if an affair is never discovered, it still damages the marriage, during the affair when your sexual/emotional attention is diverted to another person and away from your spouse, but also after you've ended the affair, and you never have an honest/authentic relationship with your spouse since you are keeping this huge secret from him. Affairs are destructive to a marriage, both during and after the affair, whether they are discovered or not.

[central]

The vast majority of affairs are never discovered or revealed. No doubt many of those relationships prospered even so (of course, many probably ended, but not because of knowledge of the affair, and many continued to stumble along).

 

Personally, my wife and I would rather not know of a past affair, and so far are certain there have not been any for either of us. If things are good in the relationship after an affair is over, revealing it - in our opinion - will a) create another set of problems, b) dump the emotional hurt and burden on the BS, and c) relieve the conscience of the WS. Between results b and c, the BS is punished and the WS is relieved of having to live with guilt. The WS may end up suffering too, of course, but it's hard for us to see any real benefit of confessing a past affair if the relationship is again solid.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Positives of what? Lying and cheating? Sure, those are real positives.

[KathyM]

revealing it - in our opinion - will a) create another set of problems, b) dump the emotional hurt and burden on the BS, and c) relieve the conscience of the WS. Between results b and c, the BS is punished and the WS is relieved of having to live with guilt. The WS may end up suffering too, of course, but it's hard for us to see any real benefit of confessing a past affair if the relationship is again solid.

The BS is not punished by revealing the truth to her. She is given the reality of her life and enabled to make decisions about her own life based on reality. The WS is also then relieved of his guilt by not continuing the deception, and is able then to live an authentic life and build a relationship that is based on truth. Revealing the truth is a win/win. Everyone has a right to the truth about their own life. It's a rationalization for the WS to say that keeping the truth from his wife is in her best interests.

[soccerrprp]

OP, I love it when people use every experience as an opportunity to learn, grow....I especially love it when such sentiment comes from the very people responsible for the disruption, dishonesty, upheaval as an excuse for said experience. When you are the perpetrator of the chaos, I find it arrogant to dismiss it as a means to grow, learn. What and how do you think the victims of your carelessness, vitriol view it?

 

Again, you may have saved yourselves, each other, but your logic is crap.

[QuakerOats]

The vast majority of affairs are never discovered or revealed. No doubt many of those relationships prospered even so (of course, many probably ended, but not because of knowledge of the affair, and many continued to stumble along).

 

Personally, my wife and I would rather not know of a past affair, and so far are certain there have not been any for either of us. If things are good in the relationship after an affair is over, revealing it - in our opinion - will a) create another set of problems, b) dump the emotional hurt and burden on the BS, and c) relieve the conscience of the WS. Between results b and c, the BS is punished and the WS is relieved of having to live with guilt. The WS may end up suffering too, of course, but it's hard for us to see any real benefit of confessing a past affair if the relationship is again solid.

 

 

Was this an agreement you made with your wife? A "don't tell me if you cheat" agreement? Does this, in turn, make you both more likely to cheat?

[QuakerOats]

I was just wondering if you can see the positives in your affair/ex affair.

 

I feel now after just a couple of months that the A will help me have a stronger M and better relationship.

 

I am seeing my H in a different light.

 

Now he does not know of the affair so he doesn't need to spend the next 5 years getting over it and I feel it's now in the pass and we can move forward.

 

Just wondering who else sees there affair as a positive. Don't get me wrong I don't think it's right and I don't think having one is ever the answer to a bad marriage but a lot of us have and just wondering if you look back and think of the positives.

 

 

 

Soverysad,

 

I'm assuming you've already thought through this hypothetical but I'll ask anyway.

 

If your marriage had grown stale and at times unhappy, and then it improved drastically, and both of you seemed to be going strong; how would you feel if you found out through some means that your H had been having an affair? Would you care? Would you prefer to not have found out? Would you feel anger or betrayal? Would you continue on the road you were on with this new understanding about secrets that had taken place within your marriage.

 

I have a feeling the "what he/she doesn't know won't hurt him" philosophy is conveniently applied at times. I suppose if your H never finds out he'll be no worse for the wear since things are happy on the homefront. But, what if he DOES find out. And what about you? Are you ok taking this major secret to the grave? Are you able to keep that big of a secret from your life partner?

[Charlie Harper]

Do you think the bolded is something your H would thank you for doing years from now? This doesn't benefit him...it benefits you. This just robs him of the choice to reconcile with you or not based on the full knowledge of what you've done. YOU get to move forward...he's still left in the dark.

 

Why not tell him the truth...and let HIM look for the 'positives' of your affair?

 

If you fixed your car with non original replaceable parts and saved a lot of money and time instead of using originals, you you go to your dealership and tell them so they change them again, re fix your car and charge you and lose your warranty? The point here is seeing everything black or white, I was cheated on and I regret the darn moment my wife told me about it, it was of no consequence since it was over and happened year ago... To this day I have never spoke about it and made a fuss about it, I forgave her and even then she could not handle the elephant in the room... so to her it was toxic, and more so that I let it pass and moved on.

 

I understand where you're coming from, or at least the thought process behind it (flawed as it may be) but this is sort like asking about the positives of having cancer.

 

Weirdly enough I was misdiagnosed with the big C, and if you haven't gone that route or experience , you don't know how your outlook in life changes when someone tell you you expiration date is near.

 

Honestly, the only thing cheating has done for me is prove to myself (after having been cheated on) that I can do it too and I can hurt him like he hurt me.

 

So you are speaking from the wound? Don't confuse the subject, the OP is talking about having an A and finding good parts and situations that improved marriage, you are looking the other way (the destructive one), its not the same at all.

 

 

I am going to say this one time and one time ONLY:

 

 

THERE IS NOTHING POSITIVE ABOUT BEING IN AN AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!

 

I will only say it once, all that happens in life can be positive or negative, it depends what you do with it and if you want to grow...

 

Every experience is a chance for all involved to grow and learn and get more perspective and insight. Sometimes learning things is painful. Sometimes we are forced to learn things by changes in those around us. Some people can't find any good in anything and consistently claim victimhood and yell unfairness. Others brush the dirt off and take what they can from the experience and use it to move forward positively, stronger and smarter.

 

Amen to this.

 

I learned a lot about myself and relationships in both my previous marriage (which was horrible) and in the affair. I gained a lot of perspective about the world that I didn't have before them. Needed perspective because I was living in a pretty sheltered and naive bubble prior. The truth of relationships and people and the world that I learned now help me navigate more surely and I'm appreciative of that. It allows me to be more confident and more secure in my choices and relationships. It allows me understanding of others that I didn't have before which breeds empathy for those I might have loathed before and understanding of their humanity.

 

Me too, congratulations, a lot of fellow LS member still hurt and depressed by their experiences like to paint all like the end of the world, its nice to see someone with a positive attitude towards a very nasty situation.

 

 

Was this an agreement you made with your wife? A "don't tell me if you cheat" agreement? Does this, in turn, make you both more likely to cheat?

 

When I married my wife we spoke of the 5 things that should happen for someone to cheat, so in a way I talked her about it, I had complete trust in her so much that she had a 18 month A that I did not even suspected, she told 8 years later out of fear of me leaving her...

 

After al the turmoil I am happier now, have better relationship with my sons, I get better relationship with MY family, my College friends have grown back into my life, I am in better health and shape than before... so even if all that was pretty bad It has had a good outcome...

[ladydesigner]

All this of course, is at the expense of another human being, whether you think they'll find out or not.

 

^^^^^This is why I cannot find any positive in A's even if it's TRUE love or whatever you want to call it. I have been a cheater and have been cheated on, neither was a positive experience for me.

[Hope Shimmers]

OP, I love it when people use every experience as an opportunity to learn, grow....I especially love it when such sentiment comes from the very people responsible for the disruption, dishonesty, upheaval as an excuse for said experience. When you are the perpetrator of the chaos, I find it arrogant to dismiss it as a means to grow, learn. What and how do you think the victims of your carelessness, vitriol view it?

 

Again, you may have saved yourselves, each other, but your logic is crap.

 

I don't personally see where the OP used it as an 'excuse'. Would it be better if people didn't learn and grow from their experiences? I don't see how it's arrogant to recognize that. To me it seems more arrogant not to.

 

People are always going to make decisions that they may regret, for one reason or another, later on. If they don't use the opportunity to learn from it, change won't occur.

 

Not every situation is all good or all bad. Positives can come from bad decisions and experiences, too.