Positives of an affair

[Sub]

I think we're talking about two different things, though. There's a difference between making the best of a bad situation/decision, and finding the "positive" in it.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think we're talking about two different things, though. There's a difference between making the best of a bad situation/decision, and finding the "positive" in it.

 

I don't see these as different, unless you're reacting to the word 'positive' and taking it to mean some sort of justification or excuse. Or a way to promote the behavior. That's not at all how I read it.

[Owl]

If you fixed your car with non original replaceable parts and saved a lot of money and time instead of using originals, you you go to your dealership and tell them so they change them again, re fix your car and charge you and lose your warranty? The point here is seeing everything black or white, I was cheated on and I regret the darn moment my wife told me about it, it was of no consequence since it was over and happened year ago... To this day I have never spoke about it and made a fuss about it, I forgave her and even then she could not handle the elephant in the room... so to her it was toxic, and more so that I let it pass and moved on.

 

 

OK...so some folks would prefer to keep their heads in the sand...I can get that. And in your case, since years had passed, there's some validity to the argument that it's not relevent to the relationship today.

 

But that doesn't apply to this thread. My experience has been that most folks would rather know the truth, rather than live a relationship that's been founded on deception. Especially when that deception ended a matter of days/weeks/months ago, rather than years/decades ago.

[Sub]

I don't see these as different, unless you're reacting to the word 'positive' and taking it to mean some sort of justification or excuse. Or a way to promote the behavior. That's not at all how I read it.

 

In some cases, yes, I think it can be used as a justification. And I know there are people who think A's are good things and serve a purpose. Or at the very least they see no harm in them. In this case, I'm not sure. OP is saying that the A is helping her have a stronger M. I guess my question is whether or not the marriage could have been stronger without the A. If the answer is no, then I would have to say that I would consider that a justification.

[gettingstronger]

I believe the best question asked is can you take such a big secret from your life partner to your grave. That alone seems to negate the positives you are referencing.

[AmyBamy]

OP, I love it when people use every experience as an opportunity to learn, grow....I especially love it when such sentiment comes from the very people responsible for the disruption, dishonesty, upheaval as an excuse for said experience. When you are the perpetrator of the chaos, I find it arrogant to dismiss it as a means to grow, learn. What and how do you think the victims of your carelessness, vitriol view it?

 

Again, you may have saved yourselves, each other, but your logic is crap.

 

I'm assuming you were referring to my post since you sort of quoted it a bit. I was referring to the affair that my ex husband had when he was married to me. I learned a lot from being the AP too, but I also learned and grew from having been betrayed by my ex husband.

 

Like I said, those who let go and learn are happier people. Sometimes, people do things to you that you can't control. You can choose to stay in that mindset of stomping your feet about how wrong it was, but you're choosing to stay in a very unhappy place and it serves absolutely no purpose, imo. I chose to take what I couldn't control and not let it control me. You of course can continue to stomp as much as you want, but I hope that at some point you realize it's hard to be happy when you're purposely choosing to be unhappy about something that you cannot change and cannot control.

[Darren Steez]

I was just wondering if you can see the positives in your affair/ex affair.

 

I feel now after just a couple of months that the A will help me have a stronger M and better relationship.

 

I am seeing my H in a different light.

 

Now he does not know of the affair so he doesn't need to spend the next 5 years getting over it and I feel it's now in the pass and we can move forward.

 

Just wondering who else sees there affair as a positive. Don't get me wrong I don't think it's right and I don't think having one is ever the answer to a bad marriage but a lot of us have and just wondering if you look back and think of the positives.

 

So you get to have an affair, have sex, break your vows but your husband doesn't get any say so what so ever?

 

What about the choice by virtue, honesty, trust? You cheated for a reason.

 

To assuage your guilt you may come up with various positive reasons why the affair actually helped, much like if your husband spent all of your life savings on a yacht..but it's ok because you may have no money left but you can travel the world.

 

You get to have an affair, then you get to decide that your husband doesn't need to find out so he can take 5 years to get over it.

 

That's not a positive. I just can't see it.

[KaliLove]

What good can come out of hurting people?

[Hope Shimmers]

What good can come out of hurting people?

Learning to make a different decision the next time.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I was just wondering if you can see the positives in your affair/ex affair.

 

I feel now after just a couple of months that the A will help me have a stronger M and better relationship.

 

I am seeing my H in a different light.

 

Now he does not know of the affair so he doesn't need to spend the next 5 years getting over it and I feel it's now in the pass and we can move forward.

 

Just wondering who else sees there affair as a positive. Don't get me wrong I don't think it's right and I don't think having one is ever the answer to a bad marriage but a lot of us have and just wondering if you look back and think of the positives.

You see your husband in a different light now because why?? Because the ExMM, went back to his wife to work on his marriage. That's why... you have no other option. Plain and simple.

 

If you are finding a positive from your affair.. and you are linking it to seeing the good in your husband...you shouldn't be married anymore. Honestly... I was in a four year long affair. The only positive...I'm DONE!!!

[Red123]

As much as I would like to believe that nothing positive cane from my Hs A because I am so hurt, I know that is not the truth. Before it we were on our last leg. We didn't appreciate each other and were heading for the end. He thought I didn't love him anymore, and judging by my actions I can see why. I was fed up and shut down. As much as I would've liked to have this not be catalyst for change it was. We were both shook by this so hard that we had to change either end it or R. We ended then R. He takes full responsibility and dates his self esteem and his bad choices are to blame and I agree but can see what lead us here. I know I will receive some flack for this but I have to see the full picture( I do this in all areas of my life and us a strength and a weakness). The positive for me is we learned to appreciate each other again which was gone and my H got to see the grass is not greener. We have been together so long, since we were 18 and were really taking for granted the other would always be there. I really wish we could have done this another way and I am still struggling but this is our truth.

[KaliLove]

Learning to make a different decision the next time.

 

How does that help the innocent victims like the betrayed spouses and the children?

[Ruffian1]

Individuals can justify, rationalize, excuse, “find the positives”, etc. in most anything or any situation in life.

 

Like the person who shoots the abortion doctor so the doctor can’t “murder” anymore. It all comes down to what you are “okay” with doing as a person. Though most would not be okay with someone doing that same thing to them.

The only positive I can see is to the person who had an affair and did (or does) not get caught, which is the whole point, to deceive (keep it hidden) from the public and BS.

 

 

That person get the positives of new/fresh sex, boost in self-confidence\ego, closeness and fun/romance with another someone special . .plus . . . no laundry, bills, taking out the garbage, in-laws to deal with, well, you get the idea.Yeah, I can see lots of “positives” for the two people in a hidden A or one that ended but not exposed.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Weirdly enough I was misdiagnosed with the big C, and if you haven't gone that route or experience , you don't know how your outlook in life changes when someone tell you you expiration date is near.

 

Yes but would you recommend anyone replicate your experience in order to achieve such enlightenment? I don't think so.

 

So you are speaking from the wound? Don't confuse the subject, the OP is talking about having an A and finding good parts and situations that improved marriage, you are looking the other way (the destructive one), its not the same at all.

 

What? I'm speaking from both sides since I know both sides.

[Fluttershy]

I would say we can all face our mistakes and make better descisions in the future. But I would say it is better not to make those mistakes in the first place. I would say the affair is not positive but a negtive. But that doesn't mean AFTER you can't bring positives into your life. But I would also warn you Op that not enough time has passed for you to know if things are really better in a permanent way.

[Hope Shimmers]

How does that help the innocent victims like the betrayed spouses and the children?

 

I get that you think the only people that matter are the victims. Believe it or not, lots of people get hurt in A's, even if it is their "fault".

 

However, my answer was clear. There are lots of victims in this world Kali - after the fact, there's not much anyone can do for them except vow to not do it again. Not sure why that's confusing or why that bothers you.

[SugarHibiscus]

Every positive thing I can think of about my affair is almost as self-serving as the affair itself.

[KaliLove]

I get that you think the only people that matter are the victims. Believe it or not, lots of people get hurt in A's, even if it is their "fault".

 

However, my answer was clear. There are lots of victims in this world Kali - after the fact, there's not much anyone can do for them except vow to not do it again. Not sure why that's confusing or why that bothers you.

 

Charming display of misplaced condescension. However, you're not understanding my point.

 

I didn't say the people involved in the affair didn't matter or that they didn't get hurt. Ever. Of course they matter and of course they get hurt (and yes it was their responsibility, no quotation marks, but that doesn't mean I'm happy they are hurting, or that I think all of them are bad people). The topic of the thread is how was your affair good..I was merely pointing out that there are people involved who could never possibly have anything good come out of it, and therefore affairs can never be considered good. There are ways to learn lessons that don't involve hurting other people.

 

I don't know you and I have nothing against you. You don't need to be so defensive.

[PurpleCardigan]

So what about the OW/OM left with extreme heartbreak and pining away while the married affair partner goes back to his or her life and who then thinks the marriage is better?! Cruel, just cruel in my opinion.

 

I get that affairs are selfish but postings like this one truly remind me how selfish most married affair partners (there are outliers but not that many) are and why the best thing for me was truly ending it and walking away.

 

I was fooled once by the lies and false promises but never again.

[Hope Shimmers]

Charming display of misplaced condescension. However, you're not understanding my point.

 

I didn't say the people involved in the affair didn't matter or that they didn't get hurt. Ever. Of course they matter and of course they get hurt (and yes it was their responsibility, no quotation marks, but that doesn't mean I'm happy they are hurting, or that I think all of them are bad people). The topic of the thread is how was your affair good..I was merely pointing out that there are people involved who could never possibly have anything good come out of it, and therefore affairs can never be considered good. There are ways to learn lessons that don't involve hurting other people.

 

I don't know you and I have nothing against you. You don't need to be so defensive.

 

Of course there are ways to learn lessons that don't involve hurting other people. But since we live in the real world, where people get hurt, sometimes the best we can do is make mistakes and learn from them.

 

I don't know you either Kali, obviously, and there was nothing defensive about explaining the point which you seemed to miss - since you replied directly to me in the thread first. I have nothing against you either, other than I think that people who haven't been on either side of an A can't understand it in the same way that others can. Just my opinion.

[Friskyone4u]

So I guess the next time your husband and you have any other difficulties in order to make everything positive for him you will have another affair and not tell him. You will do it again because you got away with it this time. Once you finally get caught and he realizes how deceived he has been it will be interesting to see how grateful he is for how you helped his marriage. Hope you will come back and tell everyone how grateful he is

[Woggle]

My ex did it before we had any kids and I was able to just remove her from my life like a bad tumor. I guess that can be considered a positive.

[Charlie Harper]

Yes but would you recommend anyone replicate your experience in order to achieve such enlightenment? I don't think so.

 

What? I'm speaking from both sides since I know both sides.

 

Nobody wants to get cancer is just as stupid as saying that one day a person wakes up thinking : heck I am going to get into an A I think its going to be fun, destroying my M hurting my family and kids, COME ON.... You know both sides, have you had a long affair and ended it to save your family even tough it hurt lie crazy to let go for NO OTHER REASON. enlighten me please...

 

So what about the OW/OM left with extreme heartbreak and pining away while the married affair partner goes back to his or her life and who then thinks the marriage is better?! Cruel, just cruel in my opinion.

 

I get that affairs are selfish but postings like this one truly remind me how selfish most married affair partners (there are outliers but not that many) are and why the best thing for me was truly ending it and walking away.

 

I was fooled once by the lies and false promises but never again.

 

Another who is still hurt.... not all cases are like yours, not everyone feels the same.

 

Of course there are ways to learn lessons that don't involve hurting other people. But since we live in the real world, where people get hurt, sometimes the best we can do is make mistakes and learn from them.

 

Agree 100% We learn from mistakes and grow or simply will repeat them and be hurtful of other peoples mistakes...

 

My ex did it before we had any kids and I was able to just remove her from my life like a bad tumor. I guess that can be considered a positive.

 

Another one...

 

Let me explain because this pattern in LS is repeated ad nauseaum, there a lot of fellow LSers that will never ever consider that someone can learn from an A.

 

An A is a mistake and no amount of sugar coating will change that fact, but even then you can find good things about it, learn from you, discover new thing you never thought, and CHANGE / GROW. Yes lots of people will never change or grow, wont ever consider counseling/therapy. But that is another of those choices that can lead to something good.

 

Time and Time again someone in LS post about the changes the A brought to his/her life in a positive way and its lambasted by other members who always speak from a personal (hurtful) point of view.

 

It would be the same as speaking of failed marriages that have no D and other will attack you for staying....its a CHOICE, some are good some are bad that is it.

 

I was cheated in a very bad way but I choose to forgive, I really did, but my ex wife could not handle the rebuilding we had to make to make our M, good again, to everyone else we were a perfect couple, super popular, but underneath there were tons of changes we had to make, she not only did not want to, but because a control freak, a jealous person and to top it off, treated me like a money machine... I learned, to let go and to see that control is an illusion, that you want to be with somebody because, that person makes you a better human..and thats it...

 

Move on, let go the pain, and stop judging other for your experiences...

[DKT3]

Tell your husband banging another dude has changed the way you veiw him, and you now want the marriage to work. Then ask if he thinks that is a positive step.

 

What one will come up with to avoid owning their *****. Affairs happen with broken people and the only positive that can come from it is self improvement. It doesn't have a positive affect on the BS or the kids no matter what kind of spin is placed on it. As one poster tried to suggest. Kids aren't happier after affairs, absolutely asinine.

 

Hope, I now understand why we butt heads, we are polar opposite in this whole infidelity thing. I believe in owning your *****.

[cocorico]

Kids aren't happier after affairs, absolutely asinine.

 

Please publish the reference to the study that interviewed every single kid whose parents had ever had an A that shows 100% of them to be less happy / no happier than before, since you state it with such conviction despite others reporting for their own lived experience that they know it to be true. If you're accusing us of being liars, I'd love to see your evidence that you know more about our lives than we do.