So, I made it happen. I moved out

[makeithappen]

Hello,

 

After a few unsuccessful tries, I finally moved out. My mum tried to prevent me from leaving by locking the front door, and only gave me back the keys after my older siblings told her to let me go.

 

I know she is upset. So am I. Not because I moved out, but because they would not let me move out.

 

My mum was scared. I sensed it in her. She called me names because she thinks I wanted to move out to 'have fun' (since I come home late quite often).

 

 

I left a few valuable belongings (well, I mean beauty products, books and clothes I really liked). I could not take everything with me in one go, and I have been prevented from coming back, so I guess I will kiss those things goodbye. I remember someonee suggesting to take things bit by bit until I had everything, but it proved unfeasible (I no longer had a room, and my family IS ALWAYS at home, like there is always someone by the front door, so they would have noticed the backpack).

 

 

 

Anyways, I got my most important things (work uniform, university stuff, passport, money, a few clothes).

 

I am now going to buy something to eat. I am tired, upset at the whole

situation, and I am really hot (very sunny in England today).

 

 

 

I am really scared of not making it out on my own

 

 

I don't know what replies I am looking for, I just need some kind words. I want to be reassured that it will be alright to be on my own, without my family.

[learning_slowly]

Life on your own, will be tough. Try to make good fiends that you can trust and rely on. Save where possible.

 

It might seem that I am saying your outlook is bleak, but I feel it is a lot better than if you had stayed at home. Your family seem like a massive negative influence. I don't know your situation, but some Muslims I know became outcasts to their family. But they are now successful and have families of their own.

 

Try and keep in touch with your siblings if any were nice to you at all. Hopefully they will not all take on your parent's view.

 

Study hard to ensure you can hopefully get a job to support yourself when IOU finish.

 

And finally, do make time for having fun if possible, as otherwise all the effort will have been in vain.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

It's easy to meet people when you're young. There's websites where you can look for roommates, roommates.com I think. Just see if you can hold down a job and rent a room for now. Good luck.

[pink_sugar]

I feel you OP. I left an abusive home environment at 18, struggled for many years especially since where I used to live was such an expensive area. You can do it though if you budget right.

[pteromom]

I don't know what replies I am looking for, I just need some kind words. I want to be reassured that it will be alright to be on my own, without my family.

 

You will be OK. Most people in the history of the world before you have left the nest and created a life for themselves.

 

Make smart choices, based on where you want to be, not what you want in this moment, and you will be OK.

[littleplanet]

Heya,

 

Kind words is easy.

I don't know the details of why exactly you had to leave - but I'm sure you had good reasons.

 

One thing that pisses me off about how a lot of people seem to raise kids these days - is that they don't raise them to be independent. Which is exactly what I raised mine to be.....and at rather young ages. (comparitively speaking)

 

I left home at 16. It took me one day to track down my older sister. It took her one hour to read me the riot act (all good sense and life's realities.) It took me 3 days to find a job. It took me 3 more to find a place to live (of my own.) It wasn't much - but it was peaceful heaven. All that in 6 days.

 

But things were different back then. There were great herds of us who had struck out - just as young, or almost. And most of us survived just fine.

 

You have work, school.....and soon enough, a new perspective. You may be young, but that just means you're a young adult.

Keep your wits about you.

Don't think too much about those who feel you will 'fail' on your own.

For that matter - prove them wrong.

 

I remember feeling scared, strange, lonely. I left home, town, friends - everything.

But that didn't last long. New friends showed up. I adjusted. Before too long, my new existence felt normal.

In fact, better than normal.

Because I had freedom. For the first time in my life.

(And what's freedom worth?)

 

Any price. (long as it's legal and no-one gets hurt) Especially you!

 

But hey. Remember, now is not the time to hide away from the world. The world is what's waiting for you. And it's a pretty beautiful place. Especially when you can look at it with free eyes.

 

Your family are not villains. They're just your family.

Don't worry about the things you left behind. You will probably see them again, one day.

Remember too, your mum is going to worry about you - because that's what mums do.

But stick to your guns. You don't have to be perfect. First, you have to survive.

And then live.

Edited May 21, 2014 by littleplanet

[TAV]

You will be OK. Most people in the history of the world before you have left the nest and created a life for themselves.

 

Make smart choices, based on where you want to be, not what you want in this moment, and you will be OK.

 

I agree, you survived an abusive home, if you can do that you can surely go out in the world alone. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger; a cliché but oh so true.

 

Yes, you will have tough days, days in which you will feel scared and alone but you will come through them. You will see that there is also so much joy in life. You are young and unattached, you can go anywhere you want, do anything you want.

 

I just want to warn you to be careful regarding relationships; don't make the mistake of feeling comfortable in a relationship that resembles your homelife. It may feel safe at first but it will just let you live through more of the same. You owe it to yourself to make the rest of your life much happier so if ever you have kids of your own you can give them the warmth, loving and stable home that you so lacked yourself.

 

You can always come to LS to ask for advice or to vent re the tough days.

 

Good luck!

[makeithappen]

 

Yes, you will have tough days, days in which you will feel scared and alone

 

Good luck!

 

 

Hello. This is one such day. I cannot believe how much I am spending! I spend EVERYDAY (for necessities, not luxuries).

 

I am expecting some money in a month's time, but I am upset. I really need to manage this, to prove them and myself that I can survive on my own!

 

 

Anyways, I went back to take the rest of my stuff.

 

 

 

Utter silence on their part. Yet, before leaving, my mum told me to leave my keys, which I did.

 

 

 

It really is the end.

 

I don't like this situation. At the same time, I need the distance.

 

 

 

All I am looking for is for someone to speak to me with kind words, raise my self-esteem. Listen to me and value my opinion, acknowledge my complaints, and believe me.

 

 

:'(

[Cakess]

I am writing this to tell you how strong you are! I would never have the courage to do what you are doing and you are amazing for it. In all my 19 years of living I have not yet experienced real freedom, like you are. I'm stuck in your position, but you are free from it. I believe in you, you will get yourself together and make something of yourself. Good intentions can sometimes breed even better results! Hang in there and do not give up! Don't look back either. In your case, the grass could be even greener on the other side.

[TAV]

It takes some time to get used to a budget. Everything is new and strange to you now. You probably do not know which stores to go to or how to save money by buying in bulk. Try to make a shopping list with things you really need and limit your visits to the store; buy everything in one go, stick to your list and don't get distracted by seemingly fantastic offers.

 

And never shop on an empty stomach!

 

And like Cakess I believe in you. You know why? Because I once was you. Yes, I struggled at times but I made it. I'm still here and have made a life for myself. You will too.

 

You know in your heart that you have made the right decision, try to find courage in that.

 

I know you feel alone now but you will meet people on your way through life, you will not be alone forever. These people will show you different ideas, different ways to live your life, much different than what you know from home.

 

I know it's unfair that your parents put you on this planet and did not provide you with the support you needed but you made it despite that. I hope you realise what an accomplishment that is.

 

I see you are not an established member yet, that means I cannot DM you but as soon as you are, feel free to contact me.

 

Meanwhile keep posting updates. I will read and so will others. xx

[littleplanet]

Hello. This is one such day. I cannot believe how much I am spending! I spend EVERYDAY (for necessities, not luxuries).

 

I am expecting some money in a month's time, but I am upset. I really need to manage this, to prove them and myself that I can survive on my own!

 

 

Anyways, I went back to take the rest of my stuff.

 

 

 

Utter silence on their part. Yet, before leaving, my mum told me to leave my keys, which I did.

 

 

 

It really is the end.

 

I don't like this situation. At the same time, I need the distance.

 

 

 

All I am looking for is for someone to speak to me with kind words, raise my self-esteem. Listen to me and value my opinion, acknowledge my complaints, and believe me.

 

 

:'(

 

I went back and read the start of this story from the beginning.

So now there is some perspective:

 

Your relationship with your older sisters sounds bloody awful, and with your parents....not much better.

I get a sense that a lot of your battle has been cultural (which means cross-cultural conflict within active participation in the greater society) - This is a common thing.

 

But I would point out to you - you are on your way to earning a PHD.

Think of it. This is a magnificent accomplishment, and when you get there, you will have really done something! (The kind of thing most families would be very proud of.) In fact - they already should be.

 

But your education does not reflect upon their beliefs as to how you should act and behave, unfortunately.

And therefor - you are absolutely correct to want your own freedom. This is exactly what reponsible young adults do.

 

Learning how to budget finances is just part of the deal - part of the process of gaining independence.

Sure - it can be scary. No-one there to bail you out.

But learning how to succeed with this - will improve your esteem in leaps and bounds! Yes.

 

I remember at 16, getting my first telephone. The monthly charge was $3.99. I was so excited to find my name in the phone book.

My furnishings were found in the back lane - for free.

My kitchen things were given to me by friends and neighbors.

I struggled. But did not starve. I survived.

And each month the confidence grew.

 

Like you.....I was only in this situation in the first place, because of needing to claim freedom from an abusive home - even so young - but not so very different from you.

 

But hey - the very first and most important person to offer you kind words, raise your esteem, accept your truth and believe in you.........

 

........will be smiling back at you from your own bathroom mirror.

That's right. There she is. Just look at her go!

 

She is not at all the young woman that your family thinks she is (and wanted you to believe.)

No - she is something entirely better than that.

You KNOW this in your heart.

So go ahead and let yourself believe it.

 

You have already come a long, long way.

You have farther yet to go.

And you WILL get there.

 

How do I know?

(Go ask that woman in the mirror)

[chelsea2011]

Sweetie, you are going to be totally fine. Look at it like it is an interesting journey to achieving the life you want for yourself. You are now free to do it! No more wrries about what others think about your decisions because they are not paying your bills. It is a great accomplishment.

 

If this makes you feel any better, I am experiencing this same freedom right now and I am much further along in age than you. I lived near a narcisstic parent who manipulated me into thinking I could never survive on my own without them near. Not true! Not true at all. I am going through the same things regarding budget too like spending too much and now I'm sitting down and working on my budget. I am looking at it like a game to see how much I can save by using coupons and being frugile about where I spend my money. I view it as challenge that I will win!

 

Hang in there kiddo. You are adjusting to a new life and it will get easier and easier as time goes on. Yeah, it's confusing at first, but once you start to settle in you will begin to venture out and start to make new friends - friends who enjoy your company - as well as doing things that you enjoy. It gets better with time I promise. I'm starting to feel happier and happier every day now - so much so that people are beginning to comment on how much happier I seem.

 

Hang in there! You will be fine.

[makeithappen]

Thank you all very much for your comforting words.

 

I am always so grateful that strangers show me such warmth and humanity. Your messages have really touched me. I like to re-read them when I am feeling upset and pessimistic.

 

 

 

 

 

A little update: I went to see a counselor at my university because I was upset over the whole situation.

 

 

She told me that what I am undergoing is a bit like grieving. I am grieving for the loss of my family and at times, I will be upset. She said it is normal, and I should not hold my tears.

 

 

After a disastrous experience of buying loads of food, only for them to expire before I could eat them, I decided to change my strategy, and base my shopping list on the meals I intend to prepare the next week.

 

 

 

I think I will contact them in a month's time, to see what their mood is like. I give about 200 pounds to my mum a month, and I want to use the opportunity to initiate contact, but in a neutral way (to test the waters).

[Emilia]

You will be absolutely fine, you will learn to budget for food and other goods and you will realise how little you actually need We all buy a lot of c**p until we are forced to think through our real needs.

 

Having your freedom is awesome. I'm very proud of you OP, you are strong and will only get stronger. You will be so proud of yourself as you start getting more confident and independent.

 

This is the first day of the rest of your life. Good luck! :bunny:

[TAV]

See, another smart step; taking the initiative to seek help. I dare say you are doing better than I did when I was your age because I was too stupid and proud to seek that kind of support.

 

I do hope the distance will make your parents treat you more like an adult. Why do you owe her200 pounds a month?

 

Keep going OP!! xx

[makeithappen]

See, another smart step; taking the initiative to seek help. I dare say you are doing better than I did when I was your age because I was too stupid and proud to seek that kind of support.

 

I do hope the distance will make your parents treat you more like an adult. Why do you owe her200 pounds a month?

 

Keep going OP!! xx

 

 

 

Hello

 

 

 

Initially, the money was to help me save up (give her 200 pounds every month for a year, and then collect the money at the end. This scheme is something we do in my country: rather than put my money in a savings account, I give it to my mum who gives it to a lady, who collects money from everyone who takes part, to then give them back the amount they contributed at the end of the year).

 

However, I changed my mind halfways and I told her she could collect the money. So now, I give her 200 pounds every month,and she will collect it at the end of the year. I feel like I need to help my parents financially as no matter our arguments, I cannot NOT help them (especially since their financial situation is bad). I divorce my contributions from my personal issues with them.

[Emilia]

Initially, the money was to help me save up (give her 200 pounds every month for a year, and then collect the money at the end. This scheme is something we do in my country: rather than put my money in a savings account, I give it to my mum who gives it to a lady, who collects money from everyone who takes part, to then give them back the amount they contributed at the end of the year).

 

However, I changed my mind halfways and I told her she could collect the money. So now, I give her 200 pounds every month,and she will collect it at the end of the year. I feel like I need to help my parents financially as no matter our arguments, I cannot NOT help them (especially since their financial situation is bad). I divorce my contributions from my personal issues with them.

As a side issue: you need to be careful with this scheme. I know people use it for Christmas savings but a lot of them folded over the years and people's savings have disappearad. A savings account is much safer!!!

[makeithappen]

Another update:

 

Ever since I left home, I keep getting anonymous phone calls, mainly at night.

 

 

At first, I did not pick up, but I succombed twice. On both occasions, I heard some strange noise, but no one would speak,and they would then hang up!

 

I think it is my family. I never had such calls, except since I moved out. This is very disturbing behaviour.

 

Meanwhile, my mum sent me a missed call. I was using my phone when she made the call, bt it lasted a fraction of a second. She basically pressed the button for 0.05 seconds. I felt so insulted: why cal me if you dnt give me enough time to answer? My mum is on a phone contract with the same company as me, so I think she has unlimited calls to my number. Hence, why I do not understand.

 

My friend, who lives near us told me she saw them at the gym, and over heard a conversation they were having about me. She said at one point, she heard a lady (she never saw my mum) speak to someone else on the phone and say 'no, the blame does not fall on her father, but on herself.' Apparently, she was saying how my moving out and 'bad girl' behaviour were my fault and not because my father used to be too nice to me.

 

I was not sure if my friend had really seen my family, or if it was someone else (when she described them physically, it did not match my family's details). BUT, the conversation she recalled was SO similar to what my mum and sister say! I never told my friend that my mum and sister said things like this.

 

So after learning that they are still persuaded that I am a messed up girl, and unwiling to acknowledge that they have some blame in this, I felt more convinced not to speak to them. FOR A WHILE.

[makeithappen]

As a side issue: you need to be careful with this scheme. I know people use it for Christmas savings but a lot of them folded over the years and people's savings have disappearad. A savings account is much safer!!!

 

 

I will consider one for next time.

 

It's too late now. Only a few more months left!

[makeithappen]

From the calls, I sense that:

a) they might want to scare me (probably think that if I get creepy phone calls, I will go back running home. I would totally see my siblings do that! Esp the troublesome one who sparked the whole disunity!)

b) they might be missing me (my parents). BUT, they should act like adults and speak to me like an adult. NOT make anonymous phone calls at anti social hours!

c) my parents might be wanting to check up on me (they think I do an awful lot of 'bad' things, so they probably think that I expect phone calls late at night from dodgy people or from men)

 

 

 

Pffft, they should grow up!

[Survivor12]

Look, you've taken a brave step in moving away from the toxicity--so why are you holding on to the drama?

 

Stop worrying yourself about what your family or others are thinking or doing and focus on living your life! Trying to guess is a waste of time, emotion & headspace. If they choose to play phone games rather than call and ask how you are doing, that's their choice. You aren't obligated to answer questions that haven't been asked or respond to what you only suspect they are doing.

 

Physically removing yourself from the situation was just the beginning. Now you have to work on weaning yourself from the drama and the patterns of interaction that you are accustomed to. Part of being independent is defining your own boundaries. Until you do, you will still be participating in the dysfunction.

 

It's going to take time and a lot of reflection, but you'll get there.

[running4life]

Congradulations entering the real world. Everyone wants to move out of their parents place...otherwise we'd live with them forever. As for finances. Budget. Sum up the total income per month and caculate daily living. Utilities, gas, food. Discover tools used for saving money. For instance, buying cheaper brand food names....I admire you for moving out...you're kicking that fear in the teeth by facing it.

[turnera]

I'm really proud of you! I moved out when I was 18, and it was hard to learn how to take care of yourself all at one time, but it's totally doable. I had $35 to spend each month on groceries, and I had this little clicker thing and when I went to the store, I'd click the dollar amount of whatever I put in the cart, and it would add it up; that way I knew if I was approaching my $35 limit and to stop or put things back. They probably have an app for that now.

[Noproblem]

I am happy that you move out.

 

Try to enjoy your life, but remember always to be the good girl your parents taught you to be.

 

Prove them wrong, they think just because you went away you are going to be corrupted, so prove them wrong

 

be the successful, happy, and independent girl that you are meant to be.

 

If you happen to find love, don't let it go because of cultural or religions differences ...

[TAV]

Makeithappen, hope your silence means you are doing ok? Whenever I'm here I always check to see if there is any news from you. But if life has taken over (in a good way) Í'm all for it!!