So, I made it happen. I moved out

[makeithappen]

Makeithappen, hope your silence means you are doing ok? Whenever I'm here I always check to see if there is any news from you. But if life has taken over (in a good way) Í'm all for it!!

 

 

Dear TAV,

 

I am doing ok. Actually, the world did not turn out to be so scary. I took a few risks. I was scared at times, but things turned out to be ok.

I travelled to another city, but although I stayed in a touristic place by the sea, I realised that my hotel was surrounded by lots of scary people, esp in the side streets (dealing drugs mainly). I also contacted a guy who operates a home business to help me repare something, and then visited him to his house (he was the cheapest). I was scared the whole time. I can't believe I just trusted someone like that! He turned out to be trustworthy and everything went well. But still, NEVER AGAIN visiting a man to his house. The fear alone was enough.

 

These two experiences made me very scared. It made me realise how lonely I am. I have no friends. I have no partner. I wanted someone to be with me, to make me feel safe. I wanted to feel secure. I look around me and see that people travel with their friends/relatives/partners. I wish I had someone in my life.

 

On the more positive side, my mum called me to enquire about me. Although she repeated the same thing: 'you left to do xyz, I dreamt about you being ccorrupted', it felt good that she didtake the initiative to call and ask me how I am. However, it was a one-off and she did not repeat it. She also used guilt ('I am calling because we may not see each other as I am going back to our country'). I am not sure she was being serious about leaving the UK. I told her I would visit her there on my next holiday, if that happened.

 

Overall, my life is rubbish. I am still determined to not go back to my parents. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realise it was right. I needed to get out of that environment. But I feel more lonely than ever. Plus, the colleague that I fancied at work left. So this adds to my moody feeling.

[TAV]

Hey makeithappen, good to hear from you. Your life is not rubbish! Don't say that. Yes, your life is not complete. It's like you've laid the foundations but you need to still build the 'house'. If you do not have anyone to talk to now you know what you have to do.

 

I'm certain you will pick up friends along the way. No nice colleagues who you could invite out for a coffee and have a girlie chat with?

 

The handy man you contacted may never be a friend but as you said, he is trustworthy and he may become a good acquaintance who you can contact if you need help around your house.

 

I understand, with your background, how daunting it is to visit strangers in their home and I certainly won't advice you to go home with guys or anything but not all men are rapist. Trust your instincts, they are spot on. And listen to them, don't stay in a place with someone when your whole body is telling you to get out. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with someone just enjoy the companionship.

 

Your life will gradually become more full, you are only just standing on your own two feet. Give it time.

 

Re your mum. It's good she reached out. She is also bound to certain ways by the culture she grew up in; she may lay awake at night worrying about you but will not allow herself to say those things to you. I'm sure she is under pressure too, having to answer to people about her wayward daughter. Try to approach her like an equal, hopefully she will start doing the same. Give it time.

[turnera]

So I have an assignment for you.

 

Every single day, I want you to smile at at least ONE person. Smile until they see you, look them in the eyes, and see if they smile back. (I bet they do)

 

Do that for a week. Every day.

 

Then, next week, every single day, say hi to someone, at least one, every single day. Look them in the eye until they say hi back (or don't, no worries).

 

Then, the next week, try every day to say something to someone. If some days go by and you can't, that's ok; keep working on it. Eventually, you'll just segue into a conversation with someone, about the weather, the World Cup, whatever.

 

Next thing you know, you're going to start having real conversations with some of these people, getting to know them, getting to look forward to seeing them again. And next thing you know, you've got friends all around you.

[makeithappen]

Hey makeithappen, good to hear from you. Your life is not rubbish! Don't say that. Yes, your life is not complete. It's like you've laid the foundations but you need to still build the 'house'. If you do not have anyone to talk to now you know what you have to do.

 

I'm certain you will pick up friends along the way. No nice colleagues who you could invite out for a coffee and have a girlie chat with?

 

The handy man you contacted may never be a friend but as you said, he is trustworthy and he may become a good acquaintance who you can contact if you need help around your house.

 

I understand, with your background, how daunting it is to visit strangers in their home and I certainly won't advice you to go home with guys or anything but not all men are rapist. Trust your instincts, they are spot on. And listen to them, don't stay in a place with someone when your whole body is telling you to get out. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with someone just enjoy the companionship.

 

Your life will gradually become more full, you are only just standing on your own two feet. Give it time.

 

Re your mum. It's good she reached out. She is also bound to certain ways by the culture she grew up in; she may lay awake at night worrying about you but will not allow herself to say those things to you. I'm sure she is under pressure too, having to answer to people about her wayward daughter. Try to approach her like an equal, hopefully she will start doing the same. Give it time.

 

 

Thank you for your message.

I have not heard from her since, and she is not picking up her phone. She had mentioned going on holiday, so she is probably away (she gives her phone to my siblings when she is away).

 

I am fortunate to have nice Phd colleagues with whom I spend much of my time now. They are nice, but when they post selfies of us on FB, they check who liked it and ask each other whose firiend it is. None of my FB friends liked any of the pictures I am on. I feel awkward because I am sure they wonder why none of my friends comment on my pictures, but don't dare ask me.

 

I think I need a holiday. I spoke to a Phd colleague and she said that after all the stress with my family and my course, I need some time away. I feel it too. I need to go away for a couple of days.

[makeithappen]

So I have an assignment for you.

 

Every single day, I want you to smile at at least ONE person. Smile until they see you, look them in the eyes, and see if they smile back. (I bet they do)

 

Do that for a week. Every day.

 

Then, next week, every single day, say hi to someone, at least one, every single day. Look them in the eye until they say hi back (or don't, no worries).

 

Then, the next week, try every day to say something to someone. If some days go by and you can't, that's ok; keep working on it. Eventually, you'll just segue into a conversation with someone, about the weather, the World Cup, whatever.

 

Next thing you know, you're going to start having real conversations with some of these people, getting to know them, getting to look forward to seeing them again. And next thing you know, you've got friends all around you.

 

 

I tried this yesterday evening. After a very bad interview, I approached a group of people chatting by my flats (they live in my flat) and asked if I could join them. They said yes, then one guy started explaining what was going on and then I spent the rest of the time discussing with him on studies and living in the city. It was a pleasant night, and make me feel better after the stress of the day.

 

I would like to be friends with two girl flatmates on my floor, but although they are very nice, it feels like we won't be more than acquaintances on good terms. They speak of things I don't know of, and organise events between themselves. They are also going on holiday together in a few days' time.

 

 

The problem with me is that while I am friendly and approach others easily, I can't make closer friendships. All my friendships are superficial: I am on good terms with everyone and smile at them, but somehow it does not turn into a long-lasting relation. I know I need to invest myself more, but I don't know how. I am thinking of baking a cake for my flatmates before they leave (although I am a bad cook). I also want to invite my Phd colleagues to my flat and have lunch/dinner together. I am just scared of actually doing these things. I feel like I won't handle the situation.

[TAV]

I tried this yesterday evening. After a very bad interview, I approached a group of people chatting by my flats (they live in my flat) and asked if I could join them. They said yes, then one guy started explaining what was going on and then I spent the rest of the time discussing with him on studies and living in the city. It was a pleasant night, and make me feel better after the stress of the day.

 

I would like to be friends with two girl flatmates on my floor, but although they are very nice, it feels like we won't be more than acquaintances on good terms. They speak of things I don't know of, and organise events between themselves. They are also going on holiday together in a few days' time.

 

 

The problem with me is that while I am friendly and approach others easily, I can't make closer friendships. All my friendships are superficial: I am on good terms with everyone and smile at them, but somehow it does not turn into a long-lasting relation. I know I need to invest myself more, but I don't know how. I am thinking of baking a cake for my flatmates before they leave (although I am a bad cook). I also want to invite my Phd colleagues to my flat and have lunch/dinner together. I am just scared of actually doing these things. I feel like I won't handle the situation.

 

It's not an exam or test you can fail for. Just try to be yourself in every way; re what you want to cook, what you serve for drinks, what music you play etc. That way you feel comfortable yourself and let your personality shine.

 

If you think you have to cook a 5 course meal and that thought frightens you why not invite them over to all cook one course at your house. My friends did that last year for my bday; as a surprise for me and it was big fun.

 

My point is that you should be relaxed about it. Social situations are not tests you have to score perfect for. It's a way to get to know people. Some will invite you to their house in return, some won't. That's fine. You click with some people better than others. No problem.

 

P.S. Proud of the steps you are taking!!

[makeithappen]

It's not an exam or test you can fail for. Just try to be yourself in every way; re what you want to cook, what you serve for drinks, what music you play etc. That way you feel comfortable yourself and let your personality shine.

 

If you think you have to cook a 5 course meal and that thought frightens you why not invite them over to all cook one course at your house. My friends did that last year for my bday; as a surprise for me and it was big fun.

 

My point is that you should be relaxed about it. Social situations are not tests you have to score perfect for. It's a way to get to know people. Some will invite you to their house in return, some won't. That's fine. You click with some people better than others. No problem.

 

P.S. Proud of the steps you are taking!!

 

A new friend and her friend are coming to visit me later today! I am so stressed! We had agreed to meet later in the week, but they could not make it, and since I am free today, I said ok (it is either today or in a very long time).

I went to buy some juices/crisps/ice cream/cake/sweets because I cannot cook and cooking would be too much hassle (plus, there are flatmates using the stove anyways).

I have no idea what to do. We could just have coffee at my uni's 'pub' and then eat at mine, but since they come from another city, I think they might want to explore the area. I don't know the area very well (there are some nice towns nearby, but nothing to see in mine).

They will stay for a couple of hours.

[Els]

Congratulations, OP!

 

It's always scary to go off on your own for the first time - I was scared, and I even left on good terms (well, relatively), so I can empathize. It does get easier, though!

 

Try to budget carefully and keep some savings. Don't spend unless absolutely necessary, until you have some form of financial security.

[turnera]

When people say they want to visit you, they really DO just want to visit you. They won't care about what juice you bought or what cookies you have. They just want you. Cos they like you!

[TAV]

A new friend and her friend are coming to visit me later today! I am so stressed! We had agreed to meet later in the week, but they could not make it, and since I am free today, I said ok (it is either today or in a very long time).

I went to buy some juices/crisps/ice cream/cake/sweets because I cannot cook and cooking would be too much hassle (plus, there are flatmates using the stove anyways).

I have no idea what to do. We could just have coffee at my uni's 'pub' and then eat at mine, but since they come from another city, I think they might want to explore the area. I don't know the area very well (there are some nice towns nearby, but nothing to see in mine).

They will stay for a couple of hours.

 

You'll be just fine! Let us know how it went! xx

[turnera]

As for making deeper friendships, that just takes time. Hang out with them, get to know them better, and when you see things you have in common, follow that thread. You'll get there.

[Leigh 87]

I am always open to meeting new, nice people just like you. Even though I have some very nice friends already.

 

You sound lovely. And with your phd program under way, I know I would would be very interested to hear all about your studies.

 

It sounds like everyone is already established within their own friendships and are simply too busy to really invest a lot of effort in getting to know you past the friendly acquaintance level.. This is very normal! Many of us struggled to find close friends. I was mid 20s before I found genuinely close friends.

 

With your attitude, I am sure you will find some nice people eventually who would love to get to know you on a deeper level. You sound accommodating and eager to extend your kindness and energy into forming friendships and this is the best anyone could do.

 

There are others out there like you and I who are eager to form new friendships. You just need to be in the right place at the right time in order to be open to meeting people who are actively looking to also meet new friends..

 

Just never take it personally when or if you find many people are un responsive to taking things further with you. Many people are simply too busy to bother investing energy into new people when they already have ample close friendships from which to already draw from.

 

Lastly, I personally wouldnt care if you were not adept in the kitchen. If I met a nice sounding girl like you that was enrolled in a phd program and living on their own, I would be very impressed and go out of my way to talk to you. I'd ask for your details and suggest meeting me and my bf or my friends sometime if you mentioned you were only new to the area. I couldn't give a hoot whether you opted to cook. I'd just suggest taking food to your flat and cooking together.

 

At this rate it sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you. Congratulations on moving out of a negative environment. Many people don't have the ability to do as such. I definitely cannot just go out and get even the most basic of jobs. It took me years to move out of my parents flat. So even being able to get a job in this economy and support yourself is more than a lot of people can do in spite of their best efforts to take any job and tirelessly searching.

 

You are doing SO well.

[makeithappen]

Hello all!

 

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages!

The visit went much better than I had expected!

We stayed at mine just for a little bit to eat, then we went to admire the surrounding area and my campus. My friends (I think I can call them friends now!) loved the buildings/green scenery so much, we spent a while just walking and discovering places I myself never went. We then tried to watch a play, but it did not work out, so we ate. One of them suggested I stayed at hers, which I did. Lovely apartment she has! It is in a beautiful location, the house itself is well decorated. She then went shopping with me, to show me what kitchen equipment to buy. I followed her advice, so took what she recommended (esp as her kitchen is so well decorated, although she does not pay unreasonable prices). We had a nice traditional breakfast from her country. She showed me how they prepared tea/coffee in her country, and I think I will try, because it was so good. I had such a good time! Since I am good with skincare/beauty related things, I helped with that . She exchanged numbers (she was the friend of my acquaintance) and because she also likes arts/entertainment, we agreed to arrange for another time out together. Finally, although the interview went bad, I got the job (teaching). I am so happy. I feel so blessed to have nice people like this come my way! I am so grateful for this. I feel so lucky. People are nice, friendly and willing to reach out. I saw that both at my faculty and everyday people.

 

Now that I have proper kitchen equipment, I can start cooking properly. I am also looking for a flatshare in my area as I find student halls too restrictive.

 

 

Thank you all so much for all your kind words. It surprises me that strangers behind a screen are concerned about me. At the same time, it makes me so happy. THANK YOU

[Els]

Yay congrats on the job, OP!!!

[makeithappen]

I am always open to meeting new, nice people just like you. Even though I have some very nice friends already.

 

You sound lovely. And with your phd program under way, I know I would would be very interested to hear all about your studies.

 

It sounds like everyone is already established within their own friendships and are simply too busy to really invest a lot of effort in getting to know you past the friendly acquaintance level.. This is very normal! Many of us struggled to find close friends. I was mid 20s before I found genuinely close friends.

 

With your attitude, I am sure you will find some nice people eventually who would love to get to know you on a deeper level. You sound accommodating and eager to extend your kindness and energy into forming friendships and this is the best anyone could do.

 

There are others out there like you and I who are eager to form new friendships. You just need to be in the right place at the right time in order to be open to meeting people who are actively looking to also meet new friends..

 

Just never take it personally when or if you find many people are un responsive to taking things further with you. Many people are simply too busy to bother investing energy into new people when they already have ample close friendships from which to already draw from.

 

Lastly, I personally wouldnt care if you were not adept in the kitchen. If I met a nice sounding girl like you that was enrolled in a phd program and living on their own, I would be very impressed and go out of my way to talk to you. I'd ask for your details and suggest meeting me and my bf or my friends sometime if you mentioned you were only new to the area. I couldn't give a hoot whether you opted to cook. I'd just suggest taking food to your flat and cooking together.

 

At this rate it sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you. Congratulations on moving out of a negative environment. Many people don't have the ability to do as such. I definitely cannot just go out and get even the most basic of jobs. It took me years to move out of my parents flat. So even being able to get a job in this economy and support yourself is more than a lot of people can do in spite of their best efforts to take any job and tirelessly searching.

 

You are doing SO well.

 

 

Thank you so much for your positivity and kind words!

 

My friends did not care that I could not cook actually. I did not even have proper things to serve food! but they did not comment on it.

 

I will see if my other flatmates want to be friends next time I meet them. I met some only once and only one guy was keen on speaking to me, but then I don't know if it was done just out of politeness. I will determine next time I see him.

 

 

People do say that I have a nice personality and when I mention my family problems, they don't understand their reaction. I love people, so maybe it shows on my face. When I told my friends who visited me about my situation,one of them told me I was so brave and I made the right decision, though the other did not think it was that bad that I should move out (she is very family-oriented, but then she has good family relations).

[makeithappen]

As for making deeper friendships, that just takes time. Hang out with them, get to know them better, and when you see things you have in common, follow that thread. You'll get there.

 

 

I loved those two people already and ant to have stronger friendship with them, but one of them will probably move back to her country, which is far!

[turnera]

I loved those two people already and ant to have stronger friendship with them, but one of them will probably move back to her country, which is far!

Connect to her on FB or tumblr!

[makeithappen]

I am always open to meeting new, nice people just like you. Even though I have some very nice friends already.

 

You sound lovely. And with your phd program under way, I know I would would be very interested to hear all about your studies.

 

It sounds like everyone is already establish within their own friendships and are simply too busy to really invest a lot of effort in getting to know you past the friendly acquaintance level.. This is very normal! Many of us struggled to find close friends. I was mid 20s before I found genuinely close friends.

 

With your attitude, I am sure you will find some nice people eventually who would love to get to know you on a deeper level. You sound accommodating and eager to extend your kindness and energy into forming friendships and this is the best anyone could do.

 

There are others out there like you and I who are eager to form new friendships. You just need to be in the right place at the right time in order to be open to meeting people who are actively looking to also meet new friends..

 

Just never take it personally when or if you find many people are un responsive to taking things further with you. Many people are simply too busy to bother investing energy into new people when they already have ample close friendships from which to already draw from.

 

Lastly, I personally wouldnt care if you were not adept in the kitchen. If I met a nice sounding girl like you that was enrolled in a phd program and living on their own, I would be very impressed and go out of my way to talk to you. I'd ask for your details and suggest meeting me and my bf or my friends sometime if you mentioned you were only new to the area. I couldn't give a hoot whether you opted to cook. I'd just suggest taking food to your flat and cooking together.

 

At this rate it sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you. Congratulations on moving out of a negative environment. Many people don't have the ability to do as such. I definitely cannot just go out and get even the most basic of jobs. It took me years to move out of my parents flat. So even being able to get a job in this economy and support yourself is more than a lot of people can do in spite of their best efforts to take any job and tirelessly searching.

 

You are doing SO well.

 

I wish you the best in everything, and especially job-hunting. I don't know how to do anything, but thanks God, people have always been nice and they help me.Do you live in the Uk?

[makeithappen]

Re!

 

Just booked for my first holiday (yes, really, although I am scared of planes) and slowly learning how to cook. I am not a bad cook actually and while I am not always satisfied with my recipes, I don't find them terrible.

 

Not much has been going on. Mum told me on the phone that my grandfather's brother died. We speak occasionally (maybe once every week - week and a half) although our conversations are always very brief. She does not seem enthusiastic, only replying with 'i'm fine', 'congrats' 'God help you' (that was about the post and pre-job interview). I would love to speak more to her, but she does not have much to say (we never spoke much anyways before). I always find it difficult to connect with her. Maybe I should talk less about me, and focus more on her?

 

 

I still have not contacted my dad since I left. This is mainly because he never tried to reach out in the first instance. In my previous failed attempt to leave, he punished my action by not speaking to me. He only spoke to me again after I apologized and came back. My dad is my biggest disappointment. I remember sending him a text message telling him that I wanted to live on my own because I was not happy. He ignored it and kept ignoring me. I was so mad as he knew what I was going through at home, with my manipulative and violent sister.

 

 

At the same time, I feel 'safe': when I come back to my house, there are no violent siblings waiting to resolve a petty issue by fight.

[preraph]

I'm so glad you got out and are making your way. That $200 thing just sounds like a scam and the way your family has treated you, no way I'd keep giving them money. Likely they will use them paying it back to you as a way to bribe you back home under their control. Look at it this way. You're out, it's one less mouth to feed, and that's the $200 they're saving right there as I'm sure you've noticed from having to buy your own groceries!