Borrowed Money Etiquette

[Phoe]

I've never been in a situation likes this, so I need some help on what to do.

 

 

 

I let my boyfriend borrow a couple hundred dollars 2 weeks back. His bank account got closed down, so his direct deposit paycheck didn't go through, so he had to wait about 5 more days for his check to come to him on paper. He had bills due, so I paid his bills and gave him gas money so he could make it to work. He said "I'll pay you back when my check comes in", and I said OK.

 

 

3 paychecks later and he's clearly completely forgotten.

 

 

Unfortunately, I am now completely broke. I had to use my ENTIRE paycheck from friday to pay off my credit card bill (my credit card is what we used to pay his bills, they needed an immediate payment, cash or check would have taken too long).

 

 

So now I only have about $40 to last me the next 2 weeks until my next paycheck.

 

 

If I had a decent amount of money to last me til my next paycheck, I wouldn't be bothered. But right now my fridge is empty and my stomach is grumbling, and I'm trying to figure out what's the cheapest way to eat right now.

 

 

I don't know how to go to him about this. I don't want to seem like some penny-pincher who's counting every dime and nickel spent on him expecting it back.

 

 

I feel like right now, he's still struggling with money and may not have the money to pay me back. I bought dinner for us most of the week, he didn't have money.

 

 

A part of me feels like, because he did most of the paying for things in the first few months, the couple hundred towards his bills is just fair repayment and that things have evened out. It's not like he was expecting ME to pay him back for the dinners over the past few months, so I feel wrong expecting him to pay ME back for the borrowed money.

 

 

I just am worried about making it through the next 2 weeks and am confused about why he is still so broke. What I make in 1 month, he makes in 1 week. The money seems to have disappeared.

 

 

I guess what I am wondering is - should I let it go, or ask him for the borrowed money. If I should ask him, how should I go about doing it so as not to be insensitive?

[somedude81]

"Hey babe, my fridge is empty and my stomach is grumbling, but I won't get paid for two weeks. Can I barrow a couple hundred dollars?"

[FitChick]

"Honey, I need you to repay me the money you borrowed because now I'm broke. When I am stressing over money, I lose my sex drive." Then let's hear how he's been spending his money, if he makes 4x what you do.

[amaysngrace]

Tell him you need the money he owes you back because you're broke.

 

He said he'd pay you back. Did you ever tell him not to worry about it or act like it wasn't a loan?

 

I don't know why you're making it more complicated than it has to be unless you forgave the loan at some point. Did you?

[HappyLove]

Do you know for a FACT he makes that much money? You've seen his checks? If you don't have the money then this should be a lesson not to bail someone out like this. He's a grown man and not your husband or family so he needs to find a way. Horrible of him to just not pay you back when he supposedly makes way more! You need the money so you need to bring it up. "Hey, do you have the money you borrowed, I'm broke."

[HappyLove]

"Hey babe, my fridge is empty and my stomach is grumbling, but I won't get paid for two weeks. Can I barrow a couple hundred dollars?"

 

Except she doesn't need to borrow, she needs the money back that he borrowed!

[Phoe]

I don't know why you're making it more complicated than it has to be unless you forgave the loan at some point. Did you?

 

Nope.

 

 

It was "I'll pay you back on Tuesday" then on Tuesday "I don't have the money yet, I'll pay you on Thursday" - and then time just passed and it was never spoken of again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just hate to seem like a penny pincher and like money is important. If I wasn't struggling right now, I wouldn't care at all about loaning him money, I wouldn't need to be paid back.

 

 

Especially if I were to ask him and he doesn't have the money, I don't want to make him feel bad or cause a problem.

[amaysngrace]

That's crap Phoe. Don't worry about what he will think of you for needing to be repaid. It's not like you're loaded and are being a stingy jerk.

 

You're hungry.

 

If he cares about you he will not want to see you struggle. Ask him for it.

[Untouched]

Wow, I hate to say it but your boyfriend sounds like a loser!

 

Why do you think you seem like a penny pincher or that it's bad if money is important. Of course it is important. How are you supposed to live if you do not have any?

 

I have read some of your threads. I do not get the feeling that this guy really cares about you at all. And you seem like you enjoy that. Why?

[thedj10show]

Money is important and you said you are struggling right now. Just because he paid for things common to the beginning of dating/courtship doesn't mean you become an ATM to him in perpetuity. Relationships are based on trust and honesty. He said he would pay you back within the week. He did not and then "forgot" about it. I don't know how you forget you owe someone hundreds of dollars. Heck my ex would remember if I owed her two dollars. Have a conversation with him and proceed with that information. Hopefully you can go score an In-N-Out double double! Man, I miss that place.

[Phoe]

Do you know for a FACT he makes that much money? You've seen his checks? If you don't have the money then this should be a lesson not to bail someone out like this. He's a grown man and not your husband or family so he needs to find a way. Horrible of him to just not pay you back when he supposedly makes way more! You need the money so you need to bring it up. "Hey, do you have the money you borrowed, I'm broke."

 

Yeah, I've seen the checks. I was always with him when he cashed them.

 

 

I know, in general, he has more bills to pay than I do, so his paycheck gets used up quicker than that same amount would if I made that much. He was financially irresponsible when younger, I know he has some debt built up, his credit score is horrendous. He's got some items sitting in pawn shops, collecting interest, which he then has to pay. He also has almost ALL his belongings in storage, which is one of the bills I paid for him. $180.

 

 

I wish he'd get his things out of storage so that he could stop paying that ridiculous amount of money every month. Especially when his house and garage are EMPTY. He could easily store his stuff at home. He has an extra car in storage, a motorcycle (both of those would've been nice to have when his truck broke down), and his bed. He currently sleeps on the mattress pad that he dragged in from his motorhome, he put it on the floor in his room and sleeps on it. But he has his actual bed in storage.

 

 

He talks about getting this stuff out, but never has time.

 

 

He could cut down on his monthly costs SO much if he shut down his storage and got his items out of the pawn shops.

[MissBee]

One lesson I learned is: never lend any amount of money you can't afford to lose. That is, it is always possible for people to "forget" or for whatever reason not pay you back, so only lend amounts of money that you'd be alright if for some reason they didn't give it back. But if you lend money to where you will be broke, evicted, starving....not wise.

 

Apart from the fact that this money issue spells bigger issues in your relationship ---I mean I'm not saying a man can't have hard times but what man allows his woman to give him hundreds of dollars and then "forgets" about it...when he knows she isn't rich....come on Borrowing a $20 and forgetting is understandable, for non-rich people you simply do not "forget" that you've borrowed hundreds of dollars....so that is upsetting that your bf can pretend to forget or not try to IMMEDIATELY pay you back and make sure you're okay money-wise when I assume he knows you aren't rich and used your credit card...so obviously using your credit card meant you didn't have the money but borrowed it yourself to lend him....Phoe...no one forgets this....so that's a problem.

 

But anyway, you using your credit card to help him out and now being broke is not acceptable and you're not a penny pincher for needing it back. He should KNOW you need it back, as again, it wasn't a $20 and you also had to use credit and not just cash or debit for it...so you clearly didn't have it. Simply say "Hey babe, I only have $40 in my account, don't want to rush you but let me know when I can get back the money so I can get some groceries and pay my bills. Thanks,love you"

 

If you feel scared to speak with him about money and if he is having his bank account closed and is now taking money form you and "forgetting" to pay it back....well....maybe you should be critical about what this means.

[Keenly]

In going to level with you, I don't think you'll be seeing that money again.

 

 

When some borrows money, if they intend to pay you back, they will be on top of it. $200 is a decent amount of money to people our age. You don't just " forget " about owing some one that much money.

 

He owes it to you though, watch for him getting defensive or turning it into an argument over this. Be vigilant that you are not putting yourself in a situation in which your kindness and generosity is exploited.

[rester]

"Honey, I need you to repay me the money you borrowed because now I'm broke. When I am stressing over money, I lose my sex drive." Then let's hear how he's been spending his money, if he makes 4x what you do.

 

 

Just stick with the first sentence and straight-up ask for it back. Threatening lack of sex is manipulative and has a high probability of backfiring. If you resent him already for not paying you back, you can communicate this to him by telling him that you resent the fact that you even have to ask for your money back.

 

My personal philosophy on lending money to friends and significant others is that if I end up not being paid back, and there is the possibility that I will resent them for not paying me back, then I won't lend them the money. I expect any lent money to be gone for good.

[HappyLove]

Yeah, I've seen the checks. I was always with him when he cashed them.

 

 

I know, in general, he has more bills to pay than I do, so his paycheck gets used up quicker than that same amount would if I made that much. He was financially irresponsible when younger, I know he has some debt built up, his credit score is horrendous. He's got some items sitting in pawn shops, collecting interest, which he then has to pay. He also has almost ALL his belongings in storage, which is one of the bills I paid for him. $180.

 

 

I wish he'd get his things out of storage so that he could stop paying that ridiculous amount of money every month. Especially when his house and garage are EMPTY. He could easily store his stuff at home. He has an extra car in storage, a motorcycle (both of those would've been nice to have when his truck broke down), and his bed. He currently sleeps on the mattress pad that he dragged in from his motorhome, he put it on the floor in his room and sleeps on it. But he has his actual bed in storage.

 

 

He talks about getting this stuff out, but never has time.

 

 

He could cut down on his monthly costs SO much if he shut down his storage and got his items out of the pawn shops.

 

No offense, but he doesn't seem too bright. Maybe he did "forget". You must have the patience of a Saint cause I couldn't tolerate this.

[Dallers]

It is his problem to be broke which means he should have borrowed the money from friends or family. It is a rule that you do not borrow money from your partner unless there is a firm security there that you are mutually paying into the same account.

 

As soon as that line is crossed the relationship becomes in jeopardy. Never mix money and love. Demand it back he said he would pay it back and didn't which means he has no intention of doing so. Learn from this.

[Phoe]

Just stick with the first sentence and straight-up ask for it back. Threatening lack of sex is manipulative and has a high probability of backfiring. If you resent him already for not paying you back, you can communicate this to him by telling him that you resent the fact that you even have to ask for your money back.

 

My personal philosophy on lending money to friends and significant others is that if I end up not being paid back, and there is the possibility that I will resent them for not paying me back, then I won't lend them the money. I expect any lent money to be gone for good.

 

Losing my sex drive wouldn't work with him, since my sex drive is higher than his anyway. I wore him out last night, poor guy.

 

 

I won't resent him, it's just that I NEED the money. If I didn't need it to get by, I wouldn't mind giving him the money with no expectation of repayment.

 

 

The last thing I want to do is use my credit card for the next 2 weeks. I have a really great credit score (750) and do not want to ruin it by overspending on my card

[MissBee]

Tried to edit to add:

 

As usual, in all your problematic threads about him you blame yourself or make it seem like you're the wrong one, when he's clearly in the wrong. You loaned him money and you're scared to ask because you don't want to seem like a penny pincher, making it a problem with yourself instead of seeing that he is wrong, careless and a plain moocher if he has borrowed money from his gf and keeps pretending he will pay you back and doesn't....because like I said NO ONE "forgets" when they haven't given someone back hundreds of dollars.

 

I know you are wanting to be with him and no matter what red flag comes you justify it and just blame yourself...but I do hope you start realizing how much some of his behavior sucks and is a pattern of him being wrong and you downplaying it, although it upsets you, and then you just blame yourself or make it seem like you're unreasonable and you just need to change your mentality and be "nicer" or "more understanding" when he is the one who needs to shape up.

 

I really enjoy you as a poster and you seem like a sweet and caring woman and every time I read your threads about him I feel sad because I see so much wrong, and so do many other well-meaning, reasonable posters. I don't expect you will break up with him over night or even understand what I'm saying right now....but I do hope that this doesn't go on for too long with the same kinds of patterns without you realizing he is not the best nor last man on earth and you can indeed do better.

[FitChick]

Borrow the mother from his mother. Then when she asks for it back, tell her to get it from her son.

[Phoe]

No offense, but he doesn't seem too bright. Maybe he did "forget". You must have the patience of a Saint cause I couldn't tolerate this.

 

He's exceptionally bright. My mom knows I never date, and said to some relatives "I'm happy she finally found someone she likes. She's finally found someone who is just as smart as her. I sometimes wonder if that's what she was waiting for"

 

 

He was in a VERY bad car accident a few years back. It's amazing he survived, and doctors thought he would never regain use of his arm, but he did. He did suffer quite a bit of head trauma though, and has some benign matter in his brain as a result. It does affect him a bit.

[mammasita]

As usual, in all your problematic threads about him you blame yourself or make it seem like you're the wrong one, when he's clearly in the wrong. You loaned him money and you're scared to ask because you don't want to seem like a penny pincher, making it a problem with yourself instead of seeing that he is wrong, careless and a plain moocher if he has borrowed money from his gf and keeps pretending he will pay you back and doesn't....because like I said NO ONE "forgets" when they haven't given someone back hundreds of dollars.

This x100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You don't accidentally forget about 200 dollars especially when your bank account gets "closed down" (likely for being overdrawn?)

[2sunny]

Nope.

 

 

It was "I'll pay you back on Tuesday" then on Tuesday "I don't have the money yet, I'll pay you on Thursday" - and then time just passed and it was never spoken of again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just hate to seem like a penny pincher and like money is important. If I wasn't struggling right now, I wouldn't care at all about loaning him money, I wouldn't need to be paid back.

 

 

Especially if I were to ask him and he doesn't have the money, I don't want to make him feel bad or cause a problem.

 

Why do you feel badly asking for money that is yours?

 

He should have paid it when he got paid!!!

 

So he lied about paying you back... And now it's hard to have trust in his word.

 

I can't see why you would date him when he offers no truth and no security.

[somedude81]

Except she doesn't need to borrow, she needs the money back that he borrowed!

 

That's the whole point.

 

Essentially Phoe's "borrowing" her money back.

 

If he has the nerve to ask her to pay him back, Phoe can just say, "Remember the money I loaned you a while ago? Thanks for paying me back."

[amaysngrace]

Blech....more excuses.

 

If you're hungry Phoe and you don't tell him you need to have that money back then yeah...it is totally your fault. Until then it's not.

 

Grow a pair and ask for it or deal with being hungry. Your choice.

[rester]

Losing my sex drive wouldn't work with him, since my sex drive is higher than his anyway. I wore him out last night, poor guy.

 

 

I won't resent him, it's just that I NEED the money. If I didn't need it to get by, I wouldn't mind giving him the money with no expectation of repayment.

 

 

The last thing I want to do is use my credit card for the next 2 weeks. I have a really great credit score (750) and do not want to ruin it by overspending on my card

 

You need to communicate this to him. Be honest with him. Tell him what you've written in this thread, that you don't want to seem like a penny-pincher, but you do need the money and don't want to lose points on your credit score. If he's a decent guy, he's going to respect this. If this ends up being a problem, I would say it's a huge red-flag in the relationship for you, and that it's better to find this out sooner than later.