Borrowed Money Etiquette

[Babolat]

Any chance he's spending all of his disposable income on keeping his friends afloat and out of trouble?

WHO CARES what he is spending his money on? The question from Phoe is should I ask for it back and if so, how?

 

Why is everyone trying to figure this man out?

[Phoe]

On top of that, he said that having sex with a toned woman is like having sex with a man?? Huh?? Do I need to highlight how rude and disrespectful that statement is or what??

 

We've had discussions about how he comes off when joking around. That he can be saying something just dicking around, and it comes off as serious and is offensive to me. He knows, and is getting better at it.

 

 

Not wanting me to be muscular, telling me to never cut my hair, otherwise I will look like a man from behind. Telling me not to lose the 10 pounds I put on otherwise my boobs will shrink.

 

 

Yesterday I was VERY horny. We had teased each other up all day, so I was dripping wet by the time we had sex.

 

 

I naturally have a small vagina. He has a smaller penis (4 inches) - so on normal days when I'm not excessively wet, getting his penis in can actually be difficult. It's very tight and sometimes it hurts him and me, and he has to pull out. It's not uncommon at all for his penis to look like it got a bit of rugburn from me being too tight.

 

 

Well, yesterday I was so overly lubricated that there was NO friction. He couldn't feel as much as he normally did and right in the middle of sex he says "Wow you're not tight like you usually are, did you cheat on me?" - he was just joking around but it did NOT sit well with me and sex immediately ended. I told him it's never okay to make me think that my vagina doesn't feel good enough for him, he immediately realized that what in his mind was a harmless joke was actually quite detrimental. He got very upset with himself and had to leave the room for a moment and gather his thoughts. He returned with a very sincere apology and an acknowledgment that he had failed to do what he said he would, and watch what he says with the joking remarks. He doesn't have a filter, and he's working on that filter. Sometimes the filter falls off...

[Babolat]

The only reason he gambled is because when you're living in Buffalo Bills casino in Primm, which may as well be a glorified ghost town, there is literally NOTHING to do..

And the only reason my ex used cocaine is because her friends did.

 

Come on Phoe. What if the only thing in Buffalo Bills was a Brothel. Would it be okay that he paid for sex every week!?

 

He's a big boy, he makes big boy decisions.

[nescafe1982]

Girl, you can do so much better.

 

Seriously, look at you!

 

I understand how messed up you feel right now. But you CAN do so. much. better.

[Phoe]

I have no idea what your field of study was, but having moved a few times across the country, I can tell you if you can somehow land the job that pays well, many real estate agents will accept you based on the amount of money the job WILL pay you if you can show them a signed offer letter, not based on what you have in savings. At least it was that way when I moved to Tucson for my first job out of undergrad and I had like $4 in my checking account because I blew it all on celebrating graduating.

 

I got close just once. I have a degree in archaeology. There was an entry level position open at the Smithsonian in DC in an artifacts department. It came down to 3 of us. I have family that lives an hour away, they have an unused condo in town. Had I gotten the job, they would have rented out the condo to me.

 

 

That's the only chance that has even close to panned out.

[Babolat]

Telling me not to lose the 10 pounds I put on otherwise my boobs will shrink.

right in the middle of sex he says "Wow you're not tight like you usually are, did you cheat on me?" -

I, am speechless. You have found the worlds classic definition of a controller. Good, luck.

 

At least you put him in his place. Yes, that was sarcasm.

 

And next time tell him "No, I did not cheat, your dick is just too small".

Edited May 19, 2014 by Babolat

[somedude81]

"Wow you're not tight like you usually are, did you cheat on me?" - he was just joking around but it did NOT sit well with me and sex immediately ended. I told him it's never okay to make me think that my vagina doesn't feel good enough for him, he immediately realized that what in his mind was a harmless joke was actually quite detrimental. He got very upset with himself and had to leave the room for a moment and gather his thoughts. He returned with a very sincere apology and an acknowledgment that he had failed to do what he said he would, and watch what he says with the joking remarks. He doesn't have a filter, and he's working on that filter. Sometimes the filter falls off...

 

Oh my God Phoe!!!!!!!

 

I want to shake you so much right now.

 

Wake up!

 

He does not deserve you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[2sunny]

We've had discussions about how he comes off when joking around. That he can be saying something just dicking around, and it comes off as serious and is offensive to me. He knows, and is getting better at it.

 

 

Not wanting me to be muscular, telling me to never cut my hair, otherwise I will look like a man from behind. Telling me not to lose the 10 pounds I put on otherwise my boobs will shrink.

 

 

Yesterday I was VERY horny. We had teased each other up all day, so I was dripping wet by the time we had sex.

 

 

I naturally have a small vagina. He has a smaller penis (4 inches) - so on normal days when I'm not excessively wet, getting his penis in can actually be difficult. It's very tight and sometimes it hurts him and me, and he has to pull out. It's not uncommon at all for his penis to look like it got a bit of rugburn from me being too tight.

 

 

Well, yesterday I was so overly lubricated that there was NO friction. He couldn't feel as much as he normally did and right in the middle of sex he says "Wow you're not tight like you usually are, did you cheat on me?" - he was just joking around but it did NOT sit well with me and sex immediately ended. I told him it's never okay to make me think that my vagina doesn't feel good enough for him, he immediately realized that what in his mind was a harmless joke was actually quite detrimental. He got very upset with himself and had to leave the room for a moment and gather his thoughts. He returned with a very sincere apology and an acknowledgment that he had failed to do what he said he would, and watch what he says with the joking remarks. He doesn't have a filter, and he's working on that filter. Sometimes the filter falls off...

 

Stop making all these excuses for his bad behavior!!!

 

It has nothing to do with his filter - it has everything to do with him being a complete and total jerk!!!

[somedude81]

I hope you're adding that to the list of things he's said that have disrespected you.

 

You are such an amazing woman and you keep putting up with his bullsh*t over and over.

 

Any sane and healthy woman would have dumped him a long time ago.

[anne1707]

Phoe

 

You are a smart, funny, attractive woman. But you are losing yourself for the sake of a borderline abusive relationship. Every thread you make just highlights further problems with your bf. This whole mess just keeps getting worse. Please don't let it continue down this path. Surely it is better to be single yet true to yourself rather than be where you are now.

[Anela]

Show him your fridge and cupboards, and have him listening to your grumbling tummy. Then get him to take you to the grocery store, and have him pay for your food.

 

Short of that happening: I occasionally eat the pot noodles (ramen or others), that coast about 20 cents each. Those, canned soup, hot dogs, bologna sandwiches, or cheese and tomato, cucumber, lettuce - that should keep you for a while. the noodles are the cheapest.

[HappyLove]

Everyone blames this guy but it's Phoe who allows it. Where is HER responsibility in this?

[Anela]

Just stick with the first sentence and straight-up ask for it back. Threatening lack of sex is manipulative and has a high probability of backfiring. If you resent him already for not paying you back, you can communicate this to him by telling him that you resent the fact that you even have to ask for your money back.

 

How is she supposed to have the energy for sex, if she isn't able to eat?

[Phoe]

Show him your fridge and cupboards, and have him listening to your grumbling tummy. Then get him to take you to the grocery store, and have him pay for your food.

 

Short of that happening: I occasionally eat the pot noodles (ramen or others), that coast about 20 cents each. Those, canned soup, hot dogs, bologna sandwiches, or cheese and tomato, cucumber, lettuce - that should keep you for a while. the noodles are the cheapest.

 

I've got 5 or 6 packs of ramen, a few packs of applesauce, and some instant oatmeal. I can make a quick grocery trip and get a few more small things and that should work til he pays me at the end of the week.

 

 

I'll use my credit card for gas to get to work.

[somedude81]

Phoe, are you truly happy with how the relationship is going and with him?

 

Can you imagine what it would be like to be with a man who does all the great things he does for you, but doesn't have any of the negatives?

[Phoe]

Everyone blames this guy but it's Phoe who allows it. Where is HER responsibility in this?

 

I'm trying to be responsible in the sense of creating a win win situation here.

 

 

One where we can stay together, grow stronger, I can help him, and he learns his responsibility in not only paying me back but fixing his finances for the long term.

 

 

I want all of that. And I know it seems like a lot to ask for all at once, but I think it can be done.

 

 

I don't need to get harsh with him. His own guilt always punishes him enough when he's done something.

[amaysngrace]

I'm trying to be responsible in the sense of creating a win win situation here.

 

 

One where we can stay together, grow stronger, I can help him, and he learns his responsibility in not only paying me back but fixing his finances for the long term.

 

 

I want all of that. And I know it seems like a lot to ask for all at once, but I think it can be done.

 

 

I don't need to get harsh with him. His own guilt always punishes him enough when he's done something.

 

Really? Then where is his guilt for not paying you back?

[somedude81]

 

I don't need to get harsh with him. His own guilt always punishes him enough when he's done something.

 

But he's not learning.

[MissBee]

He's not perfect, but he's an amazing person. He makes me feel very adored and cared for, treats me like gold.

 

 

No other person on this earth has ever been as good to me as he is. No other person has ever been as compatible with me as he is. He truly understands me as a person, and accepts me for who I am. He is incredibly loyal to me as well.

 

 

I appreciate all the wonderful things about him, so I stand by him and try to help when things aren't going as nicely as we would hope.

 

Phoe...how does he treat you like gold? For someone who treats you like gold we sure hear a lot about how badly he treats you.

 

What is this gold treatment? Examples?

 

Do you know the difference between superficial "good" and things that matter? I'm not being snarky but too many women esp stay with a man who where it counts is not good for them but find 5 good things which are very superficial and that cannot sustain a relationship to rationalize staying with him. It seems you aren't used to a lot of good treatment so this man seems like a prince to you (yet you complain so much about HUGE things with him)...but to people who are used to being treated well or learned to be treated well, it's obvious that his good qualities don't make up for all the bad.

 

No one is perfect, so no need to say it. When people have to start with how not perfect someone is, it's usually because there are so many red flags and ill treatment going on that they want to rationalize. Nobody is perfect but perfection has ZERO to do with choosing someone who adds to your life positively versus takes....

 

My bf is not perfect but where it counts he has all the qualities I need and treats me like gold, hence I have nothing to complain here re him. We have things we can build and work on no doubt but in terms of how I'm treated, I can't even make a complaint up. I don't have to explain his behavior to anyone or excuse behaviors that others realize are shoddy. I'm not going to (anymore) date men with huge problems and issues and say 'Well no one is perfect..." no one is...but surely you have a choice about which imperfections to deal with. Some imperfections are minor and others are worth passing over.

 

For a woman treated like gold you sure have a lot to complain about...I can't imagine if you were treated like dirt.

 

A suggestion: make a list of what you NEED in a partner (which should be more than he adores me). My list includes: he adores me, he is ambitious and good with money, he has a good relationship with his family, he is honest, he is reliable, he can own up to his mistakes, the list goes on....they are both the way I need to feel with him and be treated as well as PRACTICAL things....do this and judge your bf against this list and see how he does. I get that you feel he is all that, simply because you've only known worse, he may be a step up but he is NOT at all the best you can do...women leave men for less than this and you know what? Women who know their value and worth know that they don't need to pity a man or be "grateful" for their supposed love so stay in a situation less than ideal...they can say "No thanks, I am worth more, you are an okay guy, but not the best for me" and they can allow him to leave knowing they can get closer to what they want. Right now you're scared that basically he is the best and your last chance and if you leave this situation you won't find another...but believe me...you can and will and if you raise your standards your next guy will not be someone you have to walk on egg shells with, your relationship will be equal, you won't need to drive him around, lend him money, control his money, deal with drama in his family, have him emotionally manipulate you etc....you can actually have a man where your issues are a LOT more minuscule than this.

 

Not perfect in a good relationship might be: he is messy, he forgets important dates

 

Not perfect isn't: he borrows money and doesn't give it back and I have to go hungry because of it, he can't save $50 a month so I have to do all the saving, he doesn't allow me to choose my own birthday plans without guilt tripping and emotionally manipulating me while I smile and pretend I'm fine and the list goes on...again...if that to you is gold treatment...well damn...what is plastic or dirt treatment?

[thedj10show]

I can help him, and he learns his responsibility in not only paying me back but fixing his finances for the long term.

.

 

You're in a relationship. One where supposedly both parties should be on equal footing. You shouldn't have to "help" him handle basic math. We're not talking about some intricacy related to a relationship that you need to help him understand. Why isn't he helping you find something to eat so that you don't have to subsist on Ramen, oatmeal, and frozen lunches? So that your stomach doesn't rumble? Oh wait, you guys did just get food, you just had to pay for it...again.

[Phoe]

Phoe, are you truly happy with how the relationship is going and with him?

 

Can you imagine what it would be like to be with a man who does all the great things he does for you, but doesn't have any of the negatives?

 

There's no such thing as no negatives.

 

 

 

 

The whole point of every thread I've ever made about him, is that I am realistic in accepting the fact that there is no such thing as no negatives. With that being said, my intention is to get advice on FIXING or HELPING.

 

 

At no point in any of my threads have I ever asked for advice on how to leave, or whether I should leave at all. Yet 90% of the advice is get is "just leave" - and it's not that I don't appreciate that people want to be helpful, I get that 100% and realize it and am glad that people do care enough to try to help me.

 

 

My boundaries for staying in a relationship have not been crossed. Those boundaries are clear for me, and always have been.

 

 

I do not need much to be happy and that's not as simple as me having "low standards" or something like that, it's just the way I am. When the hypothetical checklist of things I need has been ticked off on every box, well, there we go. I'm set. Anything extra is just a bonus. And yes, there is still PLENTY of extra bonus stuff in this relationship, despite the negatives.

 

 

There are many more positives than negatives. And what's more, the negatives have been addressed, and effort has been made to correct those negatives. In some cases, the efforts did not succeed. In some, they have succeeded. And that's not just the negatives on him, but the negatives on me. We BOTH are working on ourselves, not only for each other but for ourselves personally.

 

 

I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, but we accept each other and inspire one another to be better.

[Leigh 87]

Oh my GOD.

 

This guy is seriously the biggest jerk.

 

You are going HUNGRY and you don't feel comfortable enough to ask your own bf, who you exchange bodily fluids with, for money.

 

I am starting tot think this guy just doesn't care about you, Phoe......

 

No self respecting, nice guy would EVER allow his gf to go hungry.

 

If he truly loved you DON'T you think he'd welcome helping you out when you CANNOT AFFORD TO FEED YOUR SELF.

[Leigh 87]

My ex was a JERK and even HE wouldn't EVER have let me go hungry. ....

[DArtagnan2]

If you are not good at being assertive, then ask him for little bits of money here or there so to buy groceries, to get gas, etc. then when you get to $200, don't ask anymore.

 

Also, people just care so you have to realize you are going to get the opinions of what they can see from the outside of your relationship. Again, its because they care. Try to just take what is said in that regard with some sugar and accept then care.

[StanMusial]

What is up with the gals on here going for broke, brain-damaged losers? Do you just think you can't do any better? It is a mathematical certainty that you can.

 

Your dilemma sounds like the precursor to a divorce.

 

 

1. Sex
   
2. Money
   

You're not married to him so you can still change your fate.