beach Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 It's not your job to fix anyone else. It's your job to fix you. The only one you can change is yourself. You allow someone to take advantage of you; it's your fault because you allowed too much. Change that about yourself. You've allowed him to disrespect you on multiple levels. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 This is why I don't believe in loans, especially to friends. I believe in giving money to help others when needed and I can spare it, within reason. Solves a lot of problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 That is a pretty elitist and condescending thing to say. Apparently you don't know what finances are like in our age demographic. Uh, no, I'm within your age demographic. And I agree with xxoo - you have money problems if you're $300 away from starving. You also have budgeting problems if you're being paid $900/week and STILL are $300 away from starving. Someone who is living paycheck to paycheck only has themselves to blame if they're spending all that extra money on luxuries. Extra car, motorcycle, storage - these are all luxuries. FFS, I have decent savings, and even I wouldn't splurge on all that. He should be spending frugally and expecting unforeseen expenditures/circumstances like late pay, rather than spending all his spare cash on luxuries and then expecting his girlfriend to bail him out on a rainy day. It's pretty much common sense that unforeseen circumstances happen, to everyone. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 It would be wise to ask him to write out how he spends his money. If you intend to marry him you ought to have an understanding what he makes, what he brings home and what bills he pays with his money. He may be wasting money - or not. But you won't know until he reveals what's been going on. He can't even take you out. He shouldn't be dating. Or he should be smart about it and not expect YOU to be paying...he could be cooking for you at home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Holy crap. I'm a student and live on 200 a week. I SAVE 100 EVERY week. Now have nearly 1000 in the bank.. saved from March when I started sacrificing half my money for a rainy day. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Couple that with criticism he dishes out and you have a complete douche. You can say it's "supposed to be a joke" but I don't find his words one bit funny. They are hurtful words, directed at you. I wish you'd work on your boundary. You've been his doormat. That is what I can't get over. He continues to tell jokes at her expense. There is no way that's OK. He's also accused her of cheating several times. That has been a HUGE issue with them in the past. The fact that he did it again yesterday, in a joke or not, is absolutely ridiculous. That is not how somebody who loves his GF should talk to her! Link to post Share on other sites
Untouched Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 If you think he and your relationship are so great, why do you make thread after thread explaining every nasty thing he says and does? Maybe you need to go on food stamps, since keeping this boy is so expensive for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 That is what I can't get over. He continues to tell jokes at her expense. There is no way that's OK. He's also accused her of cheating several times. That has been a HUGE issue with them in the past. The fact that he did it again yesterday, in a joke or not, is absolutely ridiculous. That is not how somebody who loves his GF should talk to her! From my experience as an old woman - the one doing the accusing is usually the one cheating. Maybe his money is spent on a different gal... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 From my experience as an old woman - the one doing the accusing is usually the one cheating. Maybe his money is spent on a different gal... He actually has a cuckold fetish, so I think he's secretly hoping she's cheating on him or something. I don't believe he's cheating on her, simply because she meets more than all of his needs, and he simply doesn't have time to meet other women. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Once again, the things I say fall on deaf ears. I asked for advice on how to broach the subject with sensitivity. I did get a decent amount of advice that helped me with my question. I spoke with him, and now we will see what happens. I did not ask for advice on whether I should leave him or not, or whether people think I can do better. I did not ask whether he is a loser and I did not ask for opinions on my personal paycheck. None of that is relevant. It kind of is because you're complaining about him a lot. And the more things you reveal about him the more he seems not terrific. His character is very relevant, don't you think? You really can't blame people for pointing out the obvious on a relationship forum, even if you'd rather not hear it. He moves really fast Phoe. IME it means that the longer you know him the less you will like him which is why guys like him move quickly in the first place. It's not a great thing and people just want to help you avoid making the same mistakes we did but do as you please. You seem like a sensible lady. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Phoe, have you ever considered making a list of his positives and negatives? Maybe it can give you some perspective on your relationship. If you were to do so, you should attach a separate weight to each of his traits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 I drove him to the store so he could make some returns today. He got 30 back. He gave me 20 and kept 10 to put gas in his truck. Then he made me dinner with some ramen he had at his house. I can work with 20 for the next few days. He will give me 80 on friday. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Woot! Ramen feast! Hopefully he had a flavor that you don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoe Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 And stop paying for dates/outings! If a guy is really into you - he will find a way to provide FOR you. To take YOU OUT. If he can't - then he shouldn't be dating! He paid every cent during the beginning of our relationship. Wouldn't let me pitch in at all. Now that he's struggling, it's only right that I pitch in for once. What a god awful person I would be if I bailed a few months in because money got tight. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 I wonder if he has a drug or gambling habit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 He paid every cent during the beginning of our relationship. Wouldn't let me pitch in at all. Now that he's struggling, it's only right that I pitch in for once. What a god awful person I would be if I bailed a few months in because money got tight. I don't think that's the issue, here. He borrowed money from you. It was a loan... not you taking him out on a date. It's a false equivalence, made after the fact. Watch out, such things are usually rationalizations for a partner's ****ty behavior. To most of the posters in this thread, these are raising big red flags. (Which is why you're getting so much advice you don't want.) I hope you get through the week alright... I really do. I've had times where I didn't know where my next meal was coming from. It's a ****ty, desperate place to be and I can't imagine going back there. I hope you will not loan him money in the future. He makes so much more than you do and you need to make sure you're taken care of right now. Be careful out there. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 I drove him to the store so he could make some returns today. He got 30 back. He gave me 20 and kept 10 to put gas in his truck. Then he made me dinner with some ramen he had at his house. I can work with 20 for the next few days. He will give me 80 on friday. Ok. I still can't figure out why you think this guy should be defended by you. You seem ok with the 80 on Friday - but I still can't figure out why you're ok with it - he should be paying all of it as he's a month late. Watch out - men will take advantage of you when you're as easy as you seem to be with your very low expectations for decency. He's not decent. Not when he lied and he's late and now only plans to pay a percentage of what he owed you weeks ago. I know teenagers that expect more than you do... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Did he at least explain to you why he can't pay you all the money owes you on Friday? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 His paycheck was 6 days late that week. About 3 weeks ago he had to pay for an auto repair so he was still kind of catching up from that. Once he got paid his $900, he got his normal paycheck the next day, so he had $1800 that weekend, and now just last friday he got $900 again. I paid for our lunch and dinner yesterday, and gas for a small daytrip. What the heck. I can't believe you paid for this gguy's lunch and dinner AND day trip when he earns FOUR TIMES AS MUCH AS YOU. Do you even know how wrong this is? I WOULD I NEVER do that for a man who earned twice as much as me.... If a guy earned twice my income and he asked ME for favour, I would say HE'LL NO, you earn TWICE AS MUCH as I do. I am FLABBERGASTED that ye let YOU shout him dinner AND lunch when he earns FOUR TIMESAS MUCH as you do!! Something is NOT right Phoe! He is doing something with his money that you aren't aware of! Or he is simply stingy as he'll. Gross. What reasons are there for this man to accept lunch and dinner off you when he's earning 4 times what you earn? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Once again, the things I say fall on deaf ears. I asked for advice on how to broach the subject with sensitivity. I did get a decent amount of advice that helped me with my question. I spoke with him, and now we will see what happens. I did not ask for advice on whether I should leave him or not, or whether people think I can do better. I did not ask whether he is a loser and I did not ask for opinions on my personal paycheck. None of that is relevant. Phoe, I get what you're saying, but it's unrealistic to ask for advice and expect people to ignore other aspects that contribute to the problem. Sensible people will point out things you're not considering or other things contributing to the problem. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 What the heck. I can't believe you paid for this gguy's lunch and dinner AND day trip when he earns FOUR TIMES AS MUCH AS YOU. Do you even know how wrong this is? I WOULD I NEVER do that for a man who earned twice as much as me.... If a guy earned twice my income and he asked ME for favour, I would say HE'LL NO, you earn TWICE AS MUCH as I do. I am FLABBERGASTED that ye let YOU shout him dinner AND lunch when he earns FOUR TIMESAS MUCH as you do!! Something is NOT right Phoe! He is doing something with his money that you aren't aware of! Or he is simply stingy as he'll. Gross. What reasons are there for this man to accept lunch and dinner off you when he's earning 4 times what you earn? And gas too... There's so many things about their dating situation that's just not healthy. Are you capable of saying NO Phoe? At what point will you look out mainly for yourself instead of this guy first? Have you read yet about codependency? You are a primary example of what that looks like. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Phoe, where on earth is the $900/week going anyway? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Phoe, where on earth is the $900/week going anyway? She doesn't know...she is guessing it is "debt" but as to the specifics, it doesn't seem as if she knows. If you make $900 a week and you still need to be borrowing money and now you've borrowed money from me and can only pay me $30 from your $900.... UMMM...you better believe I am asking you to itemize exactly what all your expenses are, as that makes no sense. And if you plan on marrying this man it is absurd for him to be in such a bizarre position with money and you to not actually know for sure what he spends his money on. My bf doesn't ask me for money and isn't hard up so I don't need to ask him what he's doing with his money...and even though I don't need to, we've talked before about a vacation and also had a hypothetical move-in discussion where we discussed together what me both bring in a month and what bills we pay and what is left over as disposable...and we've dated for less time than you all have. So how much more, if your man needs to borrow hundreds from you, he sleeps on a mattress on the floor, has nothing in his house etc. but makes all this money and you never think to ask him to explain exactly how much he has left when he pays all his "debt" and what exactly are these debts specifically. You should find out about that.....as it is very very unfathomable that one can make almost $4000 a month yet not have money at all....I mean....what....he pays his entire pay check a month out to bills??? What are these bills?? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Phoe, where on earth is the $900/week going anyway? Yes. In a thread titled " Borrowed Money Etiquette" it's at least proper for the debtor to explain why they can't pay you back and where the money they have goes. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) Well, I know he isn't "spending" his money on random things. His house is empty. His bedroom is a mattress pad on the floor, an oldschool television (it barely works haha), and a small table he bought for me to eat on (I refused to eat in bed). He doesn't have many possessions. There isn't much "stuff". His clothing is minimal. He has 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of work pants, and some pajamas. He has maybe 5 shirts. Then he has his work shoes and his normal shoes, and 2 jackets. That's it for clothing. His bathroom is also bare. He doesn't buy things, but he's mentioned offhand, that he has a bit of debt. I'm thinking the debt must be more than I think. The advice you are getting here is relevant because asking about sensitivity for repayment of loans is like asking for a bandaid for a gunshot wound. It is illogical. He is erratic, never has a car to drive, asks you to suck off other men, moody, irrational, nice when he wants something, borrows money from the gf who makes 3x less than him a month, and always makes tons of excuses for his behaviors. He also has no furniture or nothing to show for work he does and wanted to marry you from the get go of ths relationship. All of this equals meth use. As someone who has a wife who volunteers with domestic abuse women, I can honestly say that every situation she has came home with like this is due to drugs, and my guess is meth because of the availability of it. If you think he is religious so he won't do this, then you are being naive and gullible because just because drug users and domestic abusers are some of the most religious people you will ever meet, sometimes serving as Clergy. Time to go, Phoe. Time to put yourself first and start looking at actions instead of his silver tongued words. As a father, I am angry that any young woman would believe this is good behavior from a man. It is so toxic, words fail me. Grumps Edited May 20, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 13 Link to post Share on other sites
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