Borrowed Money Etiquette

[Phoe]

900 a week and he still needs to be borrowing money from people?

 

I couldn't even spend that much money fast enough to run out.

 

It definitely astounds me how bad he is with money.

 

 

He makes $900 in a week, I make $900 in a month.

 

 

I make it by with mine, have great credit, and have a little left to save each month. Give him the same amount on a weekly basis and he's scrambling.

[amaysngrace]

I took SomeDudes advice and read about where he wanted to make his mom live in a trailer to move you in and she only stays in her bedroom anyway and how they can move to another house, a bigger house, to move you in.

 

Um so okay he treats his mom like crap and that's bad. She doesn't seem to own a house and in fact the only property they own is a trailer...is that right?

 

I'm totally with carhill here. $200 is a cheap price to pay to not live in a trailer.

 

Talk is cheap Phoe. Pay attention to what he does, not says.

[soccerrprp]

He makes about $900 a week, and he agreed he would put $50-$100 in every week or two weeks. He did that once, and has to take it back out.

 

I made the savings account with the expectation that it was only going to be used by me, that he would do his own saving.

 

I make about $900 a month. I was putting aside about $100 a month, give or take. Sometimes more.

 

after a few months of agreeing we would start saving, I had $700 and he had $0. That's when HE decided that the only way proper saving would happen on his end, was if he gave the money to me to save, where he would not be able to touch it.

 

Of course, when he didn't have money to get gas, I had to pull it back out.

 

Okay, so he's making decent money. 4x what you are making. Ask him to write down a budget of how he spends. Again, have him create his own savings account and help him put/manage his own money into it. If he continues to agree to allow only you access then so be it. But, no more pooling your monies together.

 

I just don't understand where ~3600/month goes? And you certainly don't either. Find out.

[Untouched]

OK, I'm sorry, but you have to be pulling our legs. Nobody has a relationship like this. He does not seem to care a thing about you. And if you really love and accept him as he is (gross), why are you CONSTANTLY complaining about him?

 

I am starting to think this is a joke. Is it?

[Keenly]

It definitely astounds me how bad he is with money.

 

 

He makes $900 in a week, I make $900 in a month.

 

 

I make it by with mine, have great credit, and have a little left to save each month. Give him the same amount on a weekly basis and he's scrambling.

 

The first thing that popped in my head was cocaine.

[Phoe]

What about him makes him someone you want to share a future with?

 

He's not perfect, but he's an amazing person. He makes me feel very adored and cared for, treats me like gold.

 

 

No other person on this earth has ever been as good to me as he is. No other person has ever been as compatible with me as he is. He truly understands me as a person, and accepts me for who I am. He is incredibly loyal to me as well.

 

 

I appreciate all the wonderful things about him, so I stand by him and try to help when things aren't going as nicely as we would hope.

[CarrieT]

Phoe, have I missed how long you have known him?

 

This whole situation should be a huge red flag to you and I hope you will consider knowing him at least 12 months (through all four seasons) before living with him or considering an engagement.

 

It sounds like you are still in the honeymoon period of the relationship.

[Babolat]

Back to your original question:

 

"I guess what I am wondering is - should I let it go, or ask him for the borrowed money. If I should ask him, how should I go about doing it so as not to be insensitive?"

 

If you need ther money, yes, ask for it. If you don't, and can live without it, well....

 

How to ask? See my quoted email to my ex. My intent with the way I wrote that email was to appeal to her Feeling side, she's an ENFP. I actually spent a lot of time figuring out how to write "what she needed to hear" so she would act on my email and not feel Judged or get hurt. I am a Thinker, I am logical, so i can come across as not caring, so I wrote the email such that it appears I do care, when in fact I do not.

 

Here is the first iteration of my email to her:

 

"Hi <insert her name here>, I hope you and <insert her daughters name here> are doing well. I have been thinking about the money that I loaned you and the email you sent of your intention to pay it back.

 

I know a lot has gone on between that time and today, but I thought it would be best if we decided what to do about it now. I prefer to not have the loan hanging over us. I don't want our choice of whether to talk or avoid talking to be heavily influenced by money. If you can't pay the loan in the near future, I'd rather know now so I can plan accordingly.

 

I'm still glad I was able to help you. I know that crap happens, and we all need someone to lean on at times. More than anything else you've always been there for me as a friend.

"

 

Notice all the "Feeling" i used?

[amaysngrace]

Phoe, have I missed how long you have known him?

 

It sounds like you are still in the honeymoon period of the relationship.

 

Yea a honeymoon only in her mind. In reality it'd be divorce.

[Phoe]

The first thing that popped in my head was cocaine.

 

He's never done drugs. He will only even have a beer maybe once a month.

 

 

He's very religious and pretty "straight edge".

[Phoe]

Phoe, have I missed how long you have known him?

 

This whole situation should be a huge red flag to you and I hope you will consider knowing him at least 12 months (through all four seasons) before living with him or considering an engagement.

 

It sounds like you are still in the honeymoon period of the relationship.

 

It's about 6 months.

 

 

He wanted me to move in with him after 1 month. I refused.

 

 

He knows I have a much slower timeline than him for moving in an marriage.

 

 

I accept that he wants to talk about it, and save for it, but he knows that no amount of talking and saving will change my timeline.

[Babolat]

Back to your original question:

 

"I guess what I am wondering is - should I let it go, or ask him for the borrowed money. If I should ask him, how should I go about doing it so as not to be insensitive?"

 

If you need ther money, yes, ask for it. If you don't, and can live without it, well....

 

How to ask? See my quoted email to my ex. My intent with the way I wrote that email was to appeal to her Feeling side, she's an ENFP. I actually spent a lot of time figuring out how to write "what she needed to hear" so she would act on my email and not feel Judged or get hurt. I am a Thinker, I am logical, so i can come across as not caring, so I wrote the email such that it appears I do care, when in fact I do not.

 

Here is the first iteration of my email to her:

 

"Hi <insert her name here>, I hope you and <insert her daughters name here> are doing well. I have been thinking about the money that I loaned you and the email you sent of your intention to pay it back.

 

I know a lot has gone on between that time and today, but I thought it would be best if we decided what to do about it now. I prefer to not have the loan hanging over us. I don't want our choice of whether to talk or avoid talking to be heavily influenced by money. If you can't pay the loan in the near future, I'd rather know now so I can plan accordingly.

 

I'm still glad I was able to help you. I know that crap happens, and we all need someone to lean on at times. More than anything else you've always been there for me as a friend.

"

 

Notice all the "Feeling" i used?

Maybe try this in person or over text:

 

" I have been thinking about the money that I loaned you and the email you sent of your intention to pay it back.

 

I know a lot has gone on between that time and today, but I thought it would be best if we decided what to do about it now. I prefer to not have the loan hanging over us. I don't want relationship to be heavily influenced by money. If you can't pay the loan in the near future, I'd rather know now so I can plan accordingly.

 

I'm still glad I was able to help you. I know that crap happens, and we all need someone to lean on at times. More than anything else you've always been there for me."

[Chocolat]

A part of me feels like, because he did most of the paying for things in the first few months, the couple hundred towards his bills is just fair repayment and that things have evened out.

 

I paid 180 for one bill, 110 in gas, and 50 for his dues at work.

 

So $340, not $200.

 

He makes about $900 a week,

 

 

I make about $900 a month.

 

 

So what did he do with the $900 he earned in the week you gave him $340?

[soccerrprp]

He's not perfect, but he's an amazing person. He makes me feel very adored and cared for, treats me like gold.

 

No other person on this earth has ever been as good to me as he is. No other person has ever been as compatible with me as he is. He truly understands me as a person, and accepts me for who I am. He is incredibly loyal to me as well.

 

I appreciate all the wonderful things about him, so I stand by him and try to help when things aren't going as nicely as we would hope.

 

I pray, and I typically don't, I truly pray this is enough. Your words are endearing, but hardly unique with women who ignore the obvious signs. Sometimes when we're starving for affection, emotionally comfort, we overlook the day to day, real-world things that NEED to come with them. Like money, food, safety, shelter...all of those emotional elements start to fade when outside forces introduce stress, anxiety, depression.

 

I believe that you believe that he is an amazing person. I don't. But, I'm someone looking in from the outside and only based on what you have shared. I only know what IS happening and what IS not. I am not tainted by emotions.

 

Things are certainly not going as nicely. Help him, but how much effort, really, is he putting into it?

[somedude81]

He makes about $900 a week, and he agreed he would put $50-$100 in every week or two weeks. He did that once, and has to take it back out.

 

 

I made the savings account with the expectation that it was only going to be used by me, that he would do his own saving.

 

 

I make about $900 a month. I was putting aside about $100 a month, give or take. Sometimes more.

 

 

after a few months of agreeing we would start saving, I had $700 and he had $0. That's when HE decided that the only way proper saving would happen on his end, was if he gave the money to me to save, where he would not be able to touch it.

 

 

Of course, when he didn't have money to get gas, I had to pull it back out.

Are you serious? He makes 900 week?! That's $3,600 a month.

 

He should not be having any money issues whatsoever if he's making that much. He doesn't have his own place right?

 

Something is very wrong.

[thedj10show]

He's never done drugs. He will only even have a beer maybe once a month.

 

 

He's very religious and pretty "straight edge".

 

Okay, uh, there's a huge disconnect between what you think you know of him and what you do know of him.

 

You said he doesn't like gambling, but then why would he go and gamble with his co-workers? Nobody just likes risking losing money for the hell of it.

 

Religious, "straight edge" people don't try to make their significant others "hit on other men" or whatever that was about.

 

You're either idealizing his faults away or spooning the bull**** soup that he's serving you. Which at this rate is all you have left to eat.

[2sunny]

The principle of the matter is he said he would give it back weeks ago and he didn't. He's not a man of his word and can't be trusted with what he says.

 

The other fact that you TWO have a joint savings which you put in $700 and he's put $50 - then HE wanted to take it out should show you that this guy will never save money!

 

I was married to a guy like that for 23 years - it never changes. He made big money but always spent more than he made. I NEVER had any peace of mind because of his spending issues.

 

Is this the way you intend to live your life? I highly doubt it!

 

When someone shows you who they are and what they do and don't do - believe that it IS who they have become!

 

If you stay with him - you may live your life worrying about money. It really sucks quite frankly.

 

When someone drags you down - it's time to say "no more!"

 

The right match would help you be in a better position...by lifting you up and being a good team player.

 

If say to him "forget the money - and the R is over".

 

Keep YOUR $700 and use it as your own - which it is.

[Phoe]

So $340, not $200.

 

 

 

 

So what did he do with the $900 he earned in the week you gave him $340?

 

His paycheck was 6 days late that week. About 3 weeks ago he had to pay for an auto repair so he was still kind of catching up from that.

 

 

Once he got paid his $900, he got his normal paycheck the next day, so he had $1800 that weekend, and now just last friday he got $900 again.

 

 

I paid for our lunch and dinner yesterday, and gas for a small daytrip.

[2sunny]

He's hiding something. He's making $900 a week to your $900 a month and YOU have more?

 

This is really wrong!

[Chocolat]

His paycheck was 6 days late that week. About 3 weeks ago he had to pay for an auto repair so he was still kind of catching up from that.

 

 

Once he got paid his $900, he got his normal paycheck the next day, so he had $1800 that weekend, and now just last friday he got $900 again.

 

 

I paid for our lunch and dinner yesterday, and gas for a small daytrip.

 

Ok, so $2700 in a few days. What did he do with it?

 

You can say he's not gambling or drugging but there's something going on. That's a lot of money to just blow through with nothing to show for it.

[amaysngrace]

His paycheck was 6 days late that week. About 3 weeks ago he had to pay for an auto repair so he was still kind of catching up from that.

 

 

Once he got paid his $900, he got his normal paycheck the next day, so he had $1800 that weekend, and now just last friday he got $900 again.

 

 

I paid for our lunch and dinner yesterday, and gas for a small daytrip.

 

So why didn't he pay you back?

[2sunny]

His paycheck was 6 days late that week. About 3 weeks ago he had to pay for an auto repair so he was still kind of catching up from that.

 

 

Once he got paid his $900, he got his normal paycheck the next day, so he had $1800 that weekend, and now just last friday he got $900 again.

 

 

I paid for our lunch and dinner yesterday, and gas for a small daytrip.

 

You are the one hurting yourself.

 

Him? Well he's just selfish. You call it amazing - I call it selfish.

[somedude81]

It's about 6 months.

 

 

He wanted me to move in with him after 1 month. I refused.

 

 

He knows I have a much slower timeline than him for moving in an marriage.

 

 

I accept that he wants to talk about it, and save for it, but he knows that no amount of talking and saving will change my timeline.

 

He wanted you to move in after 1 month?

 

Is nothing a red flag for you?

 

Seriously, is there anything he can do, outside of physical abuse or cheating on you that you would not be OK with?

[Babolat]

there's nowhere to gamble around here. nor does he ever go anywhere but work and home.

Internet gambling?

 

A lot of things do not line up with this man, you need to figure all of that out and this thread will quickly be up to 30 pages on that. The volumne of the Replies should be tellin gyou something.

 

Regarding the money, simply ask for it back. I think you have and he said he'll pay it back this week, again. If he does not pay you back this week as he stated you need to decide, now, what you plan to do. Me, personally, I would break off the relationship. Or you could say before you can consider marriage you need to see his bank statements to see how he manages his money. Oh wait, his bank closed, and we all know how often banks just up and close.

[Phoe]

Well, I know he isn't "spending" his money on random things.

 

His house is empty.

 

 

His bedroom is a mattress pad on the floor, an oldschool television (it barely works haha), and a small table he bought for me to eat on (I refused to eat in bed).

 

 

He doesn't have many possessions. There isn't much "stuff".

 

 

His clothing is minimal. He has 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of work pants, and some pajamas. He has maybe 5 shirts. Then he has his work shoes and his normal shoes, and 2 jackets. That's it for clothing.

 

 

His bathroom is also bare.

 

 

He doesn't buy things, but he's mentioned offhand, that he has a bit of debt. I'm thinking the debt must be more than I think.