Borrowed Money Etiquette

[somedude81]

There's no such thing as no negatives.

Yes there is!

 

OK maybe not, but the negatives that exist have to be small. They should not keep being major issues. They should not be serious red flags.

 

 

The whole point of every thread I've ever made about him, is that I am realistic in accepting the fact that there is no such thing as no negatives. With that being said, my intention is to get advice on FIXING or HELPING.

I get that.

 

But you're here almost every three weeks with a new major issue. These are issues that would end a relationship for an emotionally healthy person.

 

Consider this. You have written more negative things about your BF, than I have written about my ex. Except that she dumped me, so I'm looking at her in the worst possible way. Basically I should be listing all these faults that she has and try to make her seem as poor of a partner as possible. And it's just blown away by what you've written about your BF.

 

Phoe, you can't fix this guy.

 

It is not your responsibility to fix him.

 

 

My boundaries for staying in a relationship have not been crossed. Those boundaries are clear for me, and always have been.

If you don't mind me asking, what are your boundaries?

 

IMO, accusing you of cheating, regardless if it was done in a joking way or not, should have crossed the line for you.

 

Not only did he insult your vagina, he also accused you of being unfaithful, and during sex when you two should be bonded.

 

I can't imagine any woman putting up with that. You should have dumped him for disrespecting you.

 

Obviously he can say whatever he wants to you, and you just take it. Sure you might put up a fuss, and be a "pain in the ass," but it's not going to stop.

When will enough be enough?

 

At no point in any of my threads have I ever asked for advice on how to leave, or whether I should leave at all. Yet 90% of the advice is get is "just leave" - and it's not that I don't appreciate that people want to be helpful, I get that 100% and realize it and am glad that people do care enough to try to help me.

Of course you haven't asked how or even if you should leave.

 

But from reading what you say about him, how he treats you, any reasonable person will tell you that you should leave.

 

There isn't some grand conspiracy to get Phoe to stay single, so why do you think the general consensus is that you should leave him?

 

At this point it's hard to give you help because he's doing so many things wrong.

 

You are wonderful but he's not treating you like he should.

 

Your biggest problem is that you've been treated so poorly by men that you really don't know how you should be treated.

 

I do not need much to be happy and that's not as simple as me having "low standards" or something like that, it's just the way I am. When the hypothetical checklist of things I need has been ticked off on every box, well, there we go. I'm set. Anything extra is just a bonus. And yes, there is still PLENTY of extra bonus stuff in this relationship, despite the negatives.

 

 

There are many more positives than negatives. And what's more, the negatives have been addressed, and effort has been made to correct those negatives. In some cases, the efforts did not succeed. In some, they have succeeded. And that's not just the negatives on him, but the negatives on me. We BOTH are working on ourselves, not only for each other but for ourselves personally.

Phoe, you do have low standards, you just can't see it. You are settling with him. You can have and deserve a great relationship with a guy who will have all of your BF's positives, and a fraction of the negatives.

 

This is around the time period where you should be thinking about the long term potential of him. What are the aspects of him that you love, and what are the things you don't? Can you put up with those negatives for the rest of your life? Or do you have a feeling somewhere deep inside where you want to see what else is there?

Edited May 19, 2014 by somedude81

[xxoo]

This is kind of how I felt, that keeping tabs on money loaned or spent isn't right, and it really should just be considered a gift.

 

 

If I pull some money out of savings I'll be fine, but I feel lousy doing that. I spent 6 months building up that savings.

 

Take the money out of savings.

 

Eat.

 

Learn from the mistake. Education is never free, and this lesson is relatively cheap.

[somedude81]

Oh my GOD.

 

This guy is seriously the biggest jerk.

 

You are going HUNGRY and you don't feel comfortable enough to ask your own bf, who you exchange bodily fluids with, for money.

 

I am starting tot think this guy just doesn't care about you, Phoe......

 

No self respecting, nice guy would EVER allow his gf to go hungry.

 

If he truly loved you DON'T you think he'd welcome helping you out when you CANNOT AFFORD TO FEED YOUR SELF.

From what I see, it's almost as if he's treating Phoe like a sex doll and not an actual person.

[2sunny]

I can't imagine that you have a boundary that looks healthy.

 

What is it? Be specific!

[xxoo]

Phoe, a stack of feel good moments don't add up to a loving relationship unless the care and concern is consistent. Otherwise, you have a bunch of feelgood moments in a pool of disappointment. Some people cling to the promise of ghe next high, ignoring the reality of overall unreliableness.

[hotpotato]

Banks make loans. People make donations.

[Phoe]

From what I see, it's almost as if he's treating Phoe like a sex doll and not an actual person.

 

that's gotta be the most out of context description I've ever heard.

[somedude81]

that's gotta be the most out of context description I've ever heard.

 

Really?

 

He doesn't seem to respect you or care about your well being.

 

The things he says to you are frequently cruel. It just doesn't look like he's treating you like an actual person.

 

Knowing your situation, he should offer to take you to the market as soon as soon as he gets off work and load up your fridge on his dime. Or he could use that as the first payment to the money he owes you.

 

Has he offered to do that for you?

[Phoe]

 

Knowing your situation, he should offer to take you to the market as soon as soon as he gets off work and load up your fridge on his dime. Or he could use that as the first payment to the money he owes you.

 

Has he offered to do that for you?

 

No, because he has no money.

 

 

He can't load up his own fridge, let alone mine.

 

 

A few months back I had a week where my manager at work accidentally went overbudget on hours, and had to give me an unpaid week off. I was struggling considering I'd worked 0 hours, and my boyfriend loaded up a bunch of canned and frozen food from his own grocery shop to give to me, despite being low on cash and food himself.

[xxoo]

No, because he has no money.

 

 

He can't load up his own fridge, let alone mine.

 

 

A few months back I had a week where my manager at work accidentally went overbudget on hours, and had to give me an unpaid week off. I was struggling considering I'd worked 0 hours, and my boyfriend loaded up a bunch of canned and frozen food from his own grocery shop to give to me, despite being low on cash and food himself.

 

Is he eating this week? He can share his food.

 

Really, this is beyond ridiculous.

 

If the TWO of you can't afford to eat, you have some serious budgeting issues to address.

[somedude81]

No, because he has no money.

 

 

He can't load up his own fridge, let alone mine.

 

He is seriously that broke?

 

A few pages back you said that he took home a couple thousand dollars. Absolutely none of that is left?

[somedude81]

BTW, I hope you read my overly long reply to you.

 

The part I'd really like you to answer is where your boundaries are. That's what I'm the most curious about.

[Phoe]

If the TWO of you can't afford to eat, you have some serious budgeting issues to address.

 

I don't have any budgeting issues, I make it by just fine normally.

 

 

I essentially had to loan out more than 1/3 of my monthly paycheck. That means I am scraping by for now.

 

 

Once my next paycheck comes in I will be back to normal.

[soccerrprp]

He is seriously that broke?

 

A few pages back you said that he took home a couple thousand dollars. Absolutely none of that is left?

 

This is the mystery. There is NO way that this guy should be having financial problems, problems putting food on his table, etc. unless he is kissing it bye-bye doing something that Phoe doesn't know anything about.

 

He is hiding something big-time.

 

Phoe, have you ever seen any of his paychecks? Or does he give you only cash any time he gives you any money to put into the account? You've got to find out where all his money goes!

[xxoo]

I don't have any budgeting issues, I make it by just fine normally.

 

 

I essentially had to loan out more than 1/3 of my monthly paycheck. That means I am scraping by for now.

 

 

Once my next paycheck comes in I will be back to normal.

 

Hopefully you are learning from this thread that you didn't have to loan out more than 1/3 of your paycheck. It is your responsibility as an adult to care for your finances and not let a boyfriend drag you down. You let him down, as well, because the enabling robbed him of an opportunity to learn from his mistakes.

[StanMusial]

Does he ever sneak out at night?

[somedude81]

Hopefully you are learning from this thread that you didn't have to loan out more than 1/3 of your paycheck. It is your responsibility as an adult to care for your finances and not let a boyfriend drag you down. You let him down, as well, because the enabling robbed him of an opportunity to learn from his mistakes.

 

That's a really great point, and I actually feel stupid for not thinking of it.

 

Phoe had no business loaning out money when it would have affected her like this.

 

That was a budgeting Phail.

 

BTW: Just in case it's not clear and if it seems I'm being a bit harsh. I really like Phoe and want her to be happy and healthy.

Edited May 20, 2014 by somedude81

[Anela]

I don't have any budgeting issues, I make it by just fine normally.

 

 

I essentially had to loan out more than 1/3 of my monthly paycheck. That means I am scraping by for now.

 

 

Once my next paycheck comes in I will be back to normal.

 

You started this thread upset, and asking about etiquette when it comes to loaning money:

 

I just am worried about making it through the next 2 weeks and am confused about why he is still so broke. What I make in 1 month, he makes in 1 week. The money seems to have disappeared.

 

 

I guess what I am wondering is - should I let it go, or ask him for the borrowed money. If I should ask him, how should I go about doing it so as not to be insensitive?

 

...and now you're defending him and saying that you'll be fine in two weeks. You're confused about why he's broke, so you need to ask him. Ask him where that money went, and point out that you need food. If he loaded up a cart once before, then he'll find a way to help, even if it's only a small amount.

[mammasita]

Phoe.....This is getting sooooo painful to read.

 

I know this thread isn't about your relationship in general, it's about how to ask for your money back.....but I have to say this:

 

I've been in a relationship about the same amount of time you have.....I met my BF on line. Like you, I've had TERRIBLE past relationships. With my current BF of 7 months, I have not once encountered even a hint of a problem similar to anything that you have dealt with. The extent of our issues are figuring out what's for dinner or what day we're going to the gun show. I mean seriously....this is honeymoon as it should be.

 

I promise you I would have run far away if my man treated or spoke to me any way close to the way you've allowed yourself to be treated, Joking or not.

 

Granted no two relationships are the same and no two people are the same but a few things remain constant no matter what.....respect and the fact that you nor I cannot and will not ever fix a man. This one you see as your knight needs a **** load of fixing.

 

I've learned my lesson trying to guide, fix, mother, nurture, make better ...... It doesn't work. It's a job with no reward and always ends with a broken heart.

[Phoe]

 

Phoe, have you ever seen any of his paychecks? Or does he give you only cash any time he gives you any money to put into the account? You've got to find out where all his money goes!

 

I addressed it earlier but I imagine my reply got lost. Sadly, I feel that many of my replies get lost. That's not a dig at you, it's more my frustration that when I DO have positive things to say and write, it falls and blind eyes and deaf ears. People gloss right over any positives, or if they DO acknowledge the positives, they downplay them greatly.

 

 

I can say something that makes me happy and I'll get "Well I guess it's good that you're happy about that, but you should expect more" or "Why is that enough for you? That wouldn't be enough for me!"

 

 

Not to sound rude, but when it comes to MY relationship, I don't care about what people think would not be good for them, all I care about is what I KNOW is good enough for me, and that I get what is more than enough.

 

 

What makes me happy will not make everyone happy. That does not mean that my happiness ought to be overlooked.

 

 

When I say that there is more than enough happiness, care, and love to outweigh the negatives, to outweigh the problems we try to work on, why can't that just be trusted?

 

 

 

In response to the above question, Yes, I've seen the checks. I'm typically there when they are cashed.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've learned my lesson trying to guide, fix, mother, nurture, make better ...... It doesn't work. It's a job with no reward and always ends with a broken heart.

Amen, sister. Been there, done that, got several T-shirts! Once you graduate from boys to men, you'll never go back.

[Phoe]

You started this thread upset, and asking about etiquette when it comes to loaning money:

 

 

 

...and now you're defending him and saying that you'll be fine in two weeks. You're confused about why he's broke, so you need to ask him. Ask him where that money went, and point out that you need food. If he loaded up a cart once before, then he'll find a way to help, even if it's only a small amount.

 

 

 

I defend him because the majority of the advice I've been given suggests that I leave. The advice regarding how to fix the situation has been noted and taken in, and will be followed accordingly.

 

 

When I get told he's a loser who I need to leave, that's when I defend. Because he's not a loser and I don't need to leave him.

[thedj10show]

When I say that there is more than enough happiness, care, and love to outweigh the negatives, to outweigh the problems we try to work on, why can't that just be trusted?

.

 

If I had a dollar for every time somebody asked for advice, the majority of the advice was to leave, and this was the response in kind, I would be able to stock your pantry with the finest foods in the land.

[2sunny]

I don't have any budgeting issues, I make it by just fine normally.

 

 

I essentially had to loan out more than 1/3 of my monthly paycheck. That means I am scraping by for now.

 

 

Once my next paycheck comes in I will be back to normal.

 

No Phoe - you did not HAVE to loan it - you chose to loan it.

 

Look at YOUR CHOICES! That is where your problems begin - it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself - NOT you AND him!

 

That is a boundary issue.

 

HE needs to figure out how HE can take care of himself too - instead of acting like a spoiled little boy.

 

And his criticism of you would NEVER be tolerated by a healthy gal!

[Phoe]

SD - I apologize, I know you've been waiting for a response, I keep getting bogged down writing other responses.

 

My boundaries - cheating, physical abuse, excessive verbal abuse (he shouts at me, he's done. he knows this), when negatives outweigh the positives, if I no longer feel loved or cared for, or if I no longer feel love for him.

 

 

Those are my reasons for why I would never look back.