kewlrule Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 I've been in a 2 yr relationship w/ Lisa. Great for 1 1/2yrs. then about 6 mos ago she started picking little things I did apart...annoyed the hell out of me. I'm not perfect for sure but I've always been good to her so I overlooked it. Then around Christmas she bombards me w/ about 3 issues and was basically "in my face" and disrespectful. Also stopped sex during last 10 days which was not norm lol. Of course I got very angry and we broke up. We have stayed in touch and WE decided to separate but see if we could reconcile in time. I felt there was another man very strong inside...that the fight was designed to provoke a MUTUAL split (see constantly reminds me). Without details of how, I found written evidence communicating w/ a guy she works with and it centered around having sex but it's "lets get together" and not "it was great". But the comm. like a week after we broke up. That was 2 weeks ago and I asked her 3 times if there was or is another man so I could just walk. She ranted every time made me feel I was crazy and denied it big time. 3 days ago I sent her a angry email saying I knew about her and Jim and I didn't respect or trust her...I was gone. I'm addicted to her or something b/c today I called her and told her that I didn't mean to hurt her but didn't know what to do. She SAYS she wants me to be a part of her life at least as a friend. Again, she offered (I didn't ask this time) that she dated Jim once and has never had sex with him and NEVER cheated on me (when we were together I guess). Man, this sucks! I accepted her explanaiton, didn't tell her what I know, but still pretty clear she's lying b/c all comm w/ Jim was sex. I FEEL LIKE I'VE ALREADY GONE CRAZY! I know I should walk, but my love for her wants to think this was all after me, she can do as she wishes, and if we reconcile she'll be committed to me (again I think). Sorry to be so long winded but I'm ripped right down the middle. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Cheater. Sorry, that's all I have. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 Maybe she really didn't have sex with him and just wrote to each other about stuff that sounded like they did... I think you have to be strong, give her the benefit of the doubt and try again... Maybe it'll work out and you'll be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 9, 2005 Author Share Posted February 9, 2005 Big problem - usually when my instincts are as strong as they are now, they're usually right...that she IS involved (can't say cheating I guess) and as long as I volunteer to stay on the hook will keep me as a backup just in case. She's not the same woman that I knew for 1 1/2 yrs...all her behavior right now is new to me so I don't know if I can trust my thinking/instincts. I do know I'm working on being mentally ready to split...kinda hangin by a fingernail to give it a little more time. Hell, I don't think I can hurt worse, just how long I'm willing to keep feeling it. Instinct vs. watch/wait/prepare to split. <sigh> Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 ouch...tough situation...sometimes fear can disguise itself as intuition....could that be the case? maybe she was just flirting sexually with him when she was with you? some women will do that when their relationship is lacking in some area and they are too chicken-sh**t to talk about it... how about talking to her, telling her how much you love her, want to get back together, to give her whatever she needs to be happy (ask what she wants)....and then talk to her about what and why you've been scared lately....and what you want for the both of you... i don't know...maybe worth another shot before you split.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Wow! You've hit sooooooo many real issues there. Not gonna write a book but I could. I'm positive she was flirting w/ him b4 b/c the writing was extremely explict like "if it feels good go for it", lots of talk about touching her whole body, and f'ing (Jim) and "definately a sexual hunger", "fireworks", "let's howl together<no joke> (Lisa). That doesn't spring up in a week or two after breaking up a LT relationship IMHO. She spends a ton of time on messenger also...never did b4. I do love her but didn't tell her 'til the end. She's been in a bunch of abusive rel. in the past...says I'm the 1st decent man/relationship she's been with. She actually got SCARED when I told her I loved her. She told me she probably would have gotten back w/ me until I told her (????????). And that she loves me but isn't IN LOVE with me and that she searched herself hard b/c she says she doesn't know why not...great guy, treat her great, good sex (so she says), accepts her for what she is,...on and on. I'm not pumping my ego here its really the truth and what she feels. So telling her I love her and will do anything actually helped chase her off! I DON'T GET THIS!!! I do believe there is something lacking she's not telling me tho (obviously). And looking at the basis of their maybe relationship it does point to sex. Hard to admit but what the hell. I think its always been good, she says its always been good, but I've only had 4 sexual relationships in my life. Her past was ALOT more wild. She had alot of sex rel in the past so maybe there's something she doesn't want to say...I know she knows I would do what I could (within reason LMAO) if she talk about it. Maybe she misses the thrill of just getting w/ a guy. OMG that goes against all my values there...there's a name for women like that and as far as I know that's not the woman I was with for 1 1/2 yrs. But like I said she's like a completely diff person...scary. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 i'm sure the sex was always very good between you guys....women flirt that way with new men because they know men want to have sex and will pay attention to that kind of talk...cheap trick, but it works... so, i doubt her doing that was any reflection on you. rather, it shows that she can't be truly intimate with someone. your next girlfriend will scream plenty and make you feel like a king! she just sounds closed off and unable to love, unable to be vulnerable...probably due to her abuse...you can't fix her...you actually gave her exactly what she needs: love and acceptance. if she ran away, it's because she's not ready to get that from anybody....maybe that's why she's only relating to this other guy in a sexual, superficial way. if she told you that she loves you, but is not in love with you, then that is a big red flag...she's not wanting to be with you right now...sorry...that's how i see it...don't be the back up man...be the main course for another woman... you don't really want to be with someone who can't be open and vulnerable, who doesn't appreciate your love, do you? Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 oh, and she did the old bait and switch...i've had a few boyfriends do that...when the mask comes off, you see the real person, not the person you thought they were... consider it important info...she's showing you the "real" her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Thanks Nicki. I know by just how you're writing that you know exactly what I'm dealing w/ and where I'm at. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I've never had experience w/ this type. It's confusing as hell b/c all the elements that are "goods" to me turn out "bads" to her and vica versa. I just have to find the strength to book...it becomes so obvious when I read what I've written and the responses. Alot of hurt comes from me still thinkin something's wrong w/ me even tho she says it's not me and I can't see anything. But I still search for answers constantly in my head...going thru everything over and over.... Only to end up at no answer that I understand anyway. I mean I get what your saying intellectually but emotionally I lost...don't get it in my gut. You're probably right about the mask. But it was so cool and great for a long time. If that's the case wouldn't be hard to "play" that person for a year and a half? See I don't get it. Understand it but don't get it. Probably blessed I don't or I would have done or be doing it too. Huh! This sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 yeah, i know...head and heart in perfect alignment is rare... she was at her best for a year and a half because she wasn't afraid yet. if she was healthy emotionally, then she would have stayed that way....so i do think it was her true self...but it's not who she is now...and you had no way of knowing what was under the surface to make her act so differently... if you read about commitment phobic people, they always act open and close to you at the beginning, nothing to lose at that point...then when they are in danger of getting truly intimate, they shut down, back away....too much to lose in their mind...they only feel comfortable when there is distance...then they can come back and start the cycle all over again... yes, i've had this happen...it will drive you crazy if you try to analyze it rationally, because it isn't rational....it just "is" your next girlfriend will be different, trust me, you will feel better... hug to you Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 I almost laughed (damn...progress)! She just told me tonight its gonna take awhile to get to the point of being friends like we were in the beginning!!! Beginning of another cycle, right? Anything, I mean ANYTHING I say to her upsets her on some level. When she called tonight I literally was holding my breath at one point to hold in any words b/c no matter what I said would get her going. I CANNOT or WILL NOT live like that! Especially when I'm the one that has more right ranting at her (knowing what I know that she doesn't think I know). Suddenly I almost have pity for her...that would be hell living like that, I think. Never heard of "commit phobic". I'll have to look it up. This sounds tacky but I was really believing the old "nice guys finish last" philosophy but now I'm thinking I might be winning by getting out now. Thank God I didn't marry her. You just described her and the relationship to a tee. So ppl like this don't ever break the cycle? I know I can't fix her now but how the hell do they get out of it? I would think they would want to change and get help, right? I definately do not see either of those even close. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 ha ha...yes, laughing is progress! Good for you that you will not "live like that." You deserve much better. Commitment phobics usually can't change without therapy to fix their old patterns. Their partners generally end up feeling abused and ineffectual because they can't "fix it" with love...as you have found out...love won't fix her, it will make the problem worse...no way for you to live, man...your self-esteem will get destroyed... There several good books on the subject...check Amazon. com...there are websites, too... Bottom line...she may want to change, but can't...if she was in therapy, maybe you would want to stay with her...but you can't change her...you can only recognize the symptoms, get out and find someone healthy...this is not good for YOU... REPEAT AFTER ME: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. THIS IS HER DEAL. AND HER LOSS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 I either need you as a counselor or a gf! I've already let this drag me down in all the above. Ya know it wouldn't be hard or a big deal if I didn't give a sheet. I figure I need to learn to love n let go. I don't want to just "disappear" but I'm not sure anything else will work - for me I mean. Right now I know I can't I just try to hang and be a friend without hurting myself. Turning my back is gonna hurt BAD, but trying to "downgrade" my feelings will hurt most (living a lie). I do know both of us want to be a part of each other's lives but I don't know how to do that right now. And I'm not sure how to leave, wait, THEN come back as a friend. I'm thinking I will suck it up and disappear. Like u said, explaination and rational thinking do not work with her. Telling her why I was doing that would be fruitless and just frustrate me more I think. BTW giant thank you for the support and info. If you ever come to Dallas shoot me a PM. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 thanks, but you've done all the hard work in coming to terms with this...and you are doing a great job! it's a lot to deal with, but at least it's real and you are clear, for whatever that's worth... hey, i live in dallas, too, small world...it's absolutely freezing here tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 What are the odds? I live in Richardson. I'm NEARLY speechless . Somehow fitting I think tho. I just did a quick google on commitment phobia and my jaw was wide open. No joke it's like reading a bio of her/me/us. EXACT fit! I didn't even know it existed until tonight and now I have something to keep me busy w/ all the spare time. You've helped like you wouldn't believe. Yeah way too cold for me (grew up in Indiana and had enough cold). I work downtown and I went outside w/o my coat today and growled. Spring can't get here quick enough. I wasn't sure if I would find any solutions when I came here by chance and you've given me more than I could have imagined. Sincere thank you again! Greg Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 good luck, greg! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 Thanks Nicki- I found another forum last night that recommends a "no contact rule". Two types: 1) tell her what/why b4; and 2) disappear for good. Obviously #2 is the realistic choice for me. I have a couple of concerns tho. I've proven I have no self-discipline so far (I fold in about 2 days every time). Also, I'm almost positive she will try ANYTHING to draw me in, including show up at the house. She's always had control issues but the "new and un-improved Lisa is a professional. And as I've found out, she is an extremely convincing lier that doesn't care what harm it will do to me (I think she's so sick this is subconscious). Her NEED to control me/situation is so great, I think she lies to herself just as much/well to justify her actions. I think anyway. It really doesn't matter. Sick is sick and hurt is hurt no matter the motivation. Do you or anyone have suggestions on what will help build my resolve, and prepare for any tactics? I can't afford too many surprises at this point. BTW, this still sucks big time...but less than yesterday. Peace!! Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 well, i'm sure lots of people here have excellent suggestions for building your resolve to leave. There are some major love gurus in this forum! In the meantime, I'll tell you what worked for me, though... 1. Turn off your phone. 2. Erase all messages from her without listening to them. (Erase all hope from your mind while you are at it) 3. If she comes to the door, don't answer it. Go take a shower. You won't hear her then. 4. Get busy with other friends. Go out every day. Don't sit around. Go watch TV/Movies. Refuse to think about her. Occupy your mind with other stuff. Plan something fun every day, even if it's just going to get an ice cream cone. Flirt with other women. 5. If you run into her, get away as quickly as possible. She may try to engage you in a big discussion which will only weaken your resolve. Don't say a word to her, except that you can't talk to her. You've already done enough of that. Be firm. 6. Tell yourself you will do this for one week. Then you can see how you feel about it, and decide if you want to go another week. Forever can seem too scary when you are initiating "no contact." But you can do it for a week, that's the hardest, then it gets easier...maybe one day you can be friends, but you need separation first to get over her... good luck...please remember that she will not change, no matter how hard she pleads/begs, etc. with you...don't get suckered in by what she says...you are right about her being sick, like a car that's totalled... Link to post Share on other sites
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