seperated wife returns, but i love my friend

[swiveling]

Hi,

 

Been wrestling with this for some time and am keen on some independent advice.

My wife left me after only 18 months of marriage (5 years together) stating she just didn't love me anymore. We have had a difficult few years, with her battling depression and changing jobs every few months, I have been forced to emotionally and financially support her for much of our time together.

When she left I was devastated and we went to a lot of councillin together where she was constantly told she had to really face her mental health issues. I also admittedly had feelings of resentment to work through as well.

During our more than six months apart , an old friend was incredibly supportive. We spent a lot of time together, talking daily often for hours, and occasionally for periods of 12 hours or more. And going out together on a weekly basis however at no time did it become physical. She is however someone I would consider my best friend. Now, however my wife has announced she loves me again and has returned. I am away from home for 2 months, travelling (something I needed to do to stay sane during the breakup) and my friend has admitted having feelings. And to be honest, I do too. Strong feelings. We have common values, both educated and career driven, both politically active and every moment we spend together is a joy. But it is still a very hard decision to leave a marriage I feel I could salvage for what might just be a crush, as intense as it feels. In either case, I would like to keep this wonderful, supportive person in my life as a best friend if that's all it is. Am I unreasonable? My wife broke my heart. Do I owe her another chance anyway?

[Keenly]

Your wife walked out on you and told you that she didn't love you. You don't owe her anything because she turned her back on you.

 

Pretty convienenet that she just shows up and says oh by the way, I love you again. She has shown you she is capable of flip flopping when its convienent to her. How long before she does it again? Next she does it, your friend might have already moved on.

 

 

Don't let this opportunity for true happiness and MUTUAL love pass you by .

You already gave your wife a chance. She didn't take it seriously.

[Cali408]

You really want to deal with someone who has depression issues, can't hold a job and walked out on you?

 

Run and be with the one who loves you.

[No Limit]

Be with the one who loves you, not the one loving to have you.

 

What men tend to forget - and sometimes women as well - marriage doesn't make you her goddamned lap dog. She wanted to break it off, well too bad, you're perfectly capable of making decisions yourself and there you've been given a great opportunity with life's best matchmaker.

 

She tainted the vows both of you gave, you don't need to feel any obligation towards her anymore.

Edited May 19, 2014 by No Limit

[Smilecharmer]

Your wife left you, she has no rights to you now if you don't want to be with her. Follow your heart and stop feeling obligated by a marriage she dissolved. You get to be happy too. How do you know your wife won't flake again in a year anyway.

[whichwayisup]

During the time your wife was away did she seek professional help? Therapy and meds to control her depression and other mental health issues? If no, then your wife is still the same woman, not working and will eventually have her ups and downs again. If yes, then you owe it to each other to try to salvage things, give it your best before throwing in the towel.

 

Your 'best friend' has invested interest, she's not 'just' a friend. A true best friend would not make moves until a D is final, not just a separation. You and this woman have something serious? If yes, then file for divorce, be fair to your wife and don't lead her on. Though it wasn't that long ago you were a mess so that shows you did care a lot about your wife.

 

Being in love or having feelings,or being emotionally attached to this 'friend' vs what you feel for your wife and the life you two have built together is something you have to figure out, which person and what it is you want.

 

Just hope you don't look back and have lots of regrets if you do choose your 'best friend' over your wife.

[Keenly]

During the time your wife was away did she seek professional help? Therapy and meds to control her depression and other mental health issues? If no, then your wife is still the same woman, not working and will eventually have her ups and downs again. If yes, then you owe it to each other to try to salvage things, give it your best before throwing in the towel.

 

Your 'best friend' has invested interest, she's not 'just' a friend. A true best friend would not make moves until a D is final, not just a separation. You and this woman have something serious? If yes, then file for divorce, be fair to your wife and don't lead her on. Though it wasn't that long ago you were a mess so that shows you did care a lot about your wife.

 

Being in love or having feelings,or being emotionally attached to this 'friend' vs what you feel for your wife and the life you two have built together is something you have to figure out, which person and what it is you want.

 

Just hope you don't look back and have lots of regrets if you do choose your 'best friend' over your wife.

You sure do use a funny color to paint the wife with.

[No Limit]

Just hope you don't look back and have lots of regrets if you do choose your 'best friend' over your wife.

 

Nah, he won't. Destructive people and cheaters are the type of people that can always be replaced by better partners.

[jwi71]

Hi,

 

Been wrestling with this for some time and am keen on some independent advice.

My wife left me after only 18 months of marriage (5 years together) stating she just didn't love me anymore. We have had a difficult few years, with her battling depression and changing jobs every few months, I have been forced to emotionally and financially support her for much of our time together.

When she left I was devastated and we went to a lot of councillin together where she was constantly told she had to really face her mental health issues. I also admittedly had feelings of resentment to work through as well.

During our more than six months apart , an old friend was incredibly supportive. We spent a lot of time together, talking daily often for hours, and occasionally for periods of 12 hours or more. And going out together on a weekly basis however at no time did it become physical. She is however someone I would consider my best friend. Now, however my wife has announced she loves me again and has returned. I am away from home for 2 months, travelling (something I needed to do to stay sane during the breakup) and my friend has admitted having feelings. And to be honest, I do too. Strong feelings. We have common values, both educated and career driven, both politically active and every moment we spend together is a joy. But it is still a very hard decision to leave a marriage I feel I could salvage for what might just be a crush, as intense as it feels. In either case, I would like to keep this wonderful, supportive person in my life as a best friend if that's all it is. Am I unreasonable? My wife broke my heart. Do I owe her another chance anyway?

 

Follow your heart. If your heart is pulling you towards your friend - follow it. You won't regret following your heart - but you will resent your W for allowing "duty" to pass this by. Obviously, if your heart pulls you towards your W - follow it back to her.

 

Where does your heart lead?

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

Nineteen years ago me and my husband separated. While we were apart I also discovered an old friend that had the potential to become more. We both wanted it to become more. But, the husband comes back in the picture and begs for another try. Unlike you, we had a child. I had to try to make the marriage work. I said goodbye to my friend - knowing that we couldn't be 'just friends' and we had no contact for many years. I've spent the last nineteen, twenty-one actually, years miserably married to the father of my children (we had another child together after the separation) and listening to many promises of change that never came. At some point in there, I made the decision to stay until the kids are older. And guess what? My old friend has recently resurfaced. We still 'click' and thankfully live very far away from each other so there is no tmeptation of an affair. My advice - choose happy now or spend the next tweny years wondering 'what if...........'

[Mr.Pine]

My wife broke my heart. Do I owe her another chance anyway?

 

You owe her nothing. But you do owe it to yourself to really think about what to do.

 

You have to weigh the pros and cons of each relationship.

 

Personally, I think you've been filling a void, a void your wife left when she took off, with your "best friend".

 

You want to make sure you're doing the right thing? Do this:

 

Take a break from your "best friend" for a week or two and spend some time with your "wife". I put "wife" in quotes because she acted like anything but these past 6 months.

 

Spend the week or two with your wife. See if the spark is still there and if anything is salvageable. If your "best friend" doesn't go for it, she is not your "best friend". You're not divorced yet and your "best friend"needs to give you time and space to do what's best for YOU not what's best for HER and you.

 

Regardless, the choice is yours. I hope you make the right one.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Mr.Pine

[swiveling]

Thanks for the great advice.

The friend is very respectful of my marriage, so she agrees that the two weeks apart is a good idea to give me a chance to be sure. She has stated she wouldn't want to begin anything until I was a "whole person" so she is definitely not rushing me into anything. Brilliant advice.

The wife has sought help, and is working again. Another issue for me is her desire to move us away from my family who have been very supportive and would be wonderful grandparents in order to be closer to her group of friends. I really don't want this and worry it would be a other reason for her to leave in the future which would be tragic if we ended up with children.

[jakrbbt]

I worry that your resentment and blame are going to bring you down eventually. As long as you keep focusing on your wife and what she causes, you'll react to it. The people talking about what she "deserves" are, respectfully, off-point. Do you really want to make a marriage choice based on just desserts? Did you marry her as a "reward"?

 

Go with the best bet for a happy future. And I strongly believe that neither of these women will "give" you a happy future; instead, you'll have to secure it for yourself. It does sound like your friend would fit in with your happy future-- especially when you mention the common interests and your wife on the other hand wanting to move away. But you might not be very happy with your friend if you're just running away from, and blaming, your wife.

 

My advice: Don't leave your wife unless you'd rather be alone than with her. And then, don't date your friend until you have forgiven your wife.

 

I speak from experience because I recognize resentment and have had a relationship eaten away by it. It's a hard one. I felt "right" and I probably was, but being right is not its own reward in real life like it is in the movies. I needed to focus on peace and on what future I wanted, and not on who-deserves-what. Don't live for the woman you resent. Don't live for the woman you want. That's not love, and you want a healthy relationship.

 

Good luck!