Live-in BF's money disappears fast, but where is it going?

[pinkfrog]

My BF and I live together and he works for cash for the guy down the street, construction. His hours vary so his income is different every week. It used to be he would give me money for some of the bills when he got paid, but now that has tapered off and he is always broke it seems. Two weeks ago he got paid on Friday and by Tuesday didn't even have cigarette money for himself. This past week he got paid and again didn't give me anything for bills. We were shopping for some things I needed for the apartment later that day and he walked up with a video game that it appeared he was going to buy for himself, but then slipped it in with my things and before I knew it I had paid for it.

 

He says he's always broke because they go to lunch every day and he has to buy his own and his boss picks places that cost too much, but I have a suspicion in the back of my mind that I can't rid of that they are going to strip clubs during working hours or something. Don't ask me why I think that, it's just a feeling. For one thing, on one of the days he raved about some food that the guys mom had cooked for them while they were working on her house. I almost asked "oh, and she made you pay for it?" but I don't want to come off like a nag.

 

There are a lot of stip clubs in the area where they always seem to be working and I know his boss is into porn because he loans my BF DVDs all the time. I don't even care about that issue anymore but I would like to know how he can blow a couple hundred dollars in just a few days with nothing to show for it, not even his own cigarettes. He's not on drugs and it's not alcohol either, and he's home with me every night and when he's not at work so I just don't know what it could be. He doesn't get a pay stub for me to check and see how many hours he worked.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how I could find out if this is what's going on? I brought it up in a joking manner one night when he asked if I had $10 he could borrow for cigarettes just a few days after he got paid, but he didn't even reply so I let it drop.

 

What do you think, would your hackles be up too or am I just imagining things?

[SoleMate]

My hackles would be skyscraper high by now. It's not so much your business where his money goes, since you are not married - but it is your business that he pays his fair, agreed share of your joint bills, and that he doesn't slyly mooch off of you by getting you to buy him toys.

 

I think the question of where he spends it definitely is interesting. Again, maybe he doesn't NEED to be accountable to you - but why live with someone who is that slipshod and that broke? We all know where money goes: alcohol, drugs, boy toys like electronics, women (strippers/hookers), or possibly he is supporting another family somewhere, or just buying diapers for his illegitimate child.

 

My advice: Give him a 3 day notice to pay up or quit. Explain with loving firmness that you can no longer support him, but you would be happy to pursue a relationship with him on terms that are not financially ruinous to you.

[mymojo]

don't feel bad, I've been paying ALL of the bills around here for quite some time. I even purchased my own Xmas and b/day gifts, my valentine's day gift will also come out of my own pocket.

 

Rent, gym memberships,pricy food,cigarettes, his booze.. I told him I don't want anything for Valentine's Day cause all that means is more hours spent at work for me

[jmargel]

Women.. You get treated like this because you let yourself be treated that way. Stand up for yourselves.

[Ladyjane14]

Dump the bad boyfriends. They'll only get worse over the course of time. Imagine living like that 10 years from now.

 

If he's working for cash btw, he unlikely to be getting benefits or paying into his social security fund. He's a drain on your current income, and a financial disaster waiting to happen.

[Karlise13]

needs a really firm kick in the ass before he'll shape up.

 

You can't be wishy washy in this area.

 

I also had a BF (who lived with me) years ago who made 75K per year but never seemed to have two nickels to rub together.

 

Creditors were constantly calling about unpaid debts. He drove a piece of crap car, really didn't own anything expensive, had no investments or savings, paid little rent....

 

I was dumbfounded by his inability to account for his finances. I knew how much he made per week and when I asked him where the hundreds and hundreds of dollars were going he couldn't come up with anything that made sense.

 

He used the 'expensive lunches' excuse too.

 

I asked how expensive could lunch be? Maximum? When he told me and I totalled his weekly expenditures, it still didn't add up.

When we figured gas, his share of the rent, food, entertainment, there was still a couple of thousand a month he couldn't account for.

 

I told him my conclusions were:

 

He was spending it on hookers

or

He was spending it on drugs

or

He was spending it at strip places

or

He was gambling it away

or

He had a mistress

 

 

He denied all the above.

 

I said "You either come clean to me about this in a week or we're done"

 

When he was still unable to offer up a reason why thousands of dollars per year were just 'disappearing' I walked away.

 

This is a big issue and it's about trust and honesty. Trust your gut if you think something's fishy.

 

Numbers don't lie.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by SoleMate

My advice: Give him a 3 day notice to pay up or quit. Explain with loving firmness that you can no longer support him, but you would be happy to pursue a relationship with him on terms that are not financially ruinous to you.

Good advice.

Originally posted by jmargel

You get treated like this because you let yourself be treated that way.

And this is correct. Why should he pay the bills when you'll cover it? Why bother keeping any dosh aside for smokes if you'll buy them for him?

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by jmargel

Women.. You get treated like this because you let yourself be treated that way. Stand up for yourselves.

 

[color=red]THANK YOU [/color]for saying that.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by mymojo

don't feel bad, I've been paying ALL of the bills around here for quite some time. I even purchased my own Xmas and b/day gifts, my valentine's day gift will also come out of my own pocket.

 

Rent, gym memberships,pricy food,cigarettes, his booze.. I told him I don't want anything for Valentine's Day cause all that means is more hours spent at work for me

 

Question: What do you have him around for? The sex or the companionship? You can get that when you want it from a service and it'll probably save you money in the long run.

 

Personally, I'd rather be alone than have an anchor. The money you are spending on him could be used to buy yourself a new car or fund an account for your retirement, etc., etc., etc.

[Stone]

YEp he's supporting a stripper.... Sorry

[pinkfrog]

I hope it's not all going in someone's g-string but if I find out it is that's the last straw. Suddenly he has to work this weekend, so maybe I should hit the club parking lots and see if his boss's truck is there. I'd just like to be sure before I do something rash on a suspicion.

[pinkfrog]

Well he almost had me fooled last night. It was payday so I asked flat out how much got paid. He never gave me a figure, just laid $60 on the desk to help out with some bills, then said something about having to go and work on a toilet and he hoped his boss would stop and pick up my V-Day present on the way home, making it sound like something big. I started thinking maybe that's where his money is going...he knows I love furniture and maybe he's been paying on something. He left, came home later talking loudly like he'd been drinking but I gave him a kiss and there was no alcohol smell on him.

 

We were up surfing the net together later and then he said my V-Day present is a trip by train to go see two of my favorite bands and that he was getting VIP passes from someone. Hmmm ... they needed a truck to pick that up? So I asked a few innocent questions that he stammered about but managed to fork up answers to. I decided to check it out this morning and neither of them are even on tour right now! I'm actually sitting here laughing at how ridiculous it is. Tonight I'm going to go to an industrial club and meet up with some of my girlfriends and clear my head, without him which is going to be a big drama scene when I'm getting ready to go out but I don't care anymore. Would it be really mean if I scrape him off so close to Valentine's Day?

 

Oh, and to top it all off, I was extra horny and feeling a little kinky last night and started doing some things to him that he really likes and what does he do but get his quickly and then left me hanging. To hell with it, and him.

[SoleMate]

Would it be really mean if I scrape him off so close to Valentine's Day?

No, it's fine. Go right ahead. He has so many relationship demerits it's not even pathetic any more.

[pinkfrog]

Just a little update ... you will never believe what the magnificent Valentine's Day present that has been laying back money for is ... brace yourself for the shock ... it's a video. A video he bought yesterday, online, with me in the room. A video that won't even be in for another week.

 

I thought you might get a kick out of that LOL I'm not a materialistic person and wouldn't even care except that supposedly his saving up for my magnificent present is where his money has been going, and that has turned out to be untrue ... I wonder if he forgot he told me that? Bonehead.

 

I've decided to break it off this weekend when we have the weekend alone in the house and there is no one else around to hear any of it. Lately he's been *working* until almost bedtime anyway and I'll be damned if I'm going to ruin my sleep having to deal with his dramatics when I need my beauty sleep since I'll be back on the market soon I know it's going to hurt a bit but after all the ridiculous crap and lies I actually think it might be a relief.