wife wants time to think but seeing someone else

[UK Man]

The Funeral went as well as could have been expected

 

The wife stayed at the wake for about 2 hours with my daughter before their 3 hour drive home

 

I thanked her at the church for coming to pay her respects . Then at the wake I didn't talk to her at all , kept mingling with other people . Then when she was leaving she just said " goodbye " from around 6 feet away . I just said said " Bye "

 

She said to my daughter in the car that Dad didn't talk much

 

I'm grieving for my wife and my mother and it's hard

 

My wife spoke to a good friend at the wake and asked her was there any way she thinks she would go home . My wife replied " no chance , too much has happened ! " Dont know if she meant too much has happened in the marriage or since the split ?

 

I dont know what to do about the Babtism of my grand son in just over a week

 

It kills me to see her looking so nice , knowing she is with him

 

Shall I just go to the church and leave straight after and not go the the party after the church or do both or stay away altogether ? it is a shame as it's my grand son ?

[barky2]

You've got some awesome advice, but since you asked for my two pennies I'll give it to you.

 

She's cheated on you with this guy.

 

She was with him while you were sitting there thinking everything was all well and good.

 

Meanwhile she's looking for an easy out to seperate.

 

Then she sits there and says she needs time to herself.

 

That means she wants to see if it'll work out between them.

 

The writing is on the wall man.

 

If you take her back, she'll do it again the next time someone catches her eye.

 

It's time for you to get angry and put your foot down.

 

File for divorce, take the time to heal, and move on to a woman that'd never do that to you.

 

Best of luck man, it sucks...but believe me it's for the better.

 

She's getting the fun physical part, while you're caring for her emotional needs..cut it off right now. Let her know you want nothing to do with her, and don't tell her about the divorce, because she'll be the one to do the 180 and string you along while still banging this other Jamoke.

 

Cut it off, you'll heal, and move on, that I promise.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[UK Man]

Thanks Barky2

 

But she said even if she wasn't with him she wouldn't want me ? Oh I'm done with all this , my heads in such a mess . I can't work , eat , sleep

 

What about the baptism ?

[bigman1]

UK Man, it is hard to let someone go. Try this on: that was a joint funeral. Your mom and your wife/marriage are gone. You have fond memories, etc, and the memory of the last days that may not have been so good. It is over. Time to move on.

 

The woman you see now is your wife's evil twin sister. End of story. You don't bang the twin sister once your wife dies. you don't pick up with the twin at all.

 

Tell yourself it is over because it needed to be over. You somehow hope that you can have bright future with this woman, so you look for meaning behind her words. DO NOT BE A FOOL. If you continually think that it is over, continually tell yourself that you no longer love this woman, continue to tell yourself that this woman WILL BE bad for you and the death of you, eventually your mind will accept that. You say it until it becomes your reality.

 

Once, the "love of my life" (Serious college relationship) broke up with me and I was lost. I told my self that I needed a few weeks to get over her. I literally said, if she is with someone else, so be it. If she calls me back, too bad. I will grieve HARD for a few weeks and then I'm moving on. Every day I told myself that it was over, that I could no longer love her. I never made myself hate her, I just convinced myself that I could no longer love her. Don't you know, that once I reached my self imposed deadline, my feelings had changed. Shocked the crap out of me. She called me on the last day and I said, "NO." There is no need for us to try to work on us. Sure, I had a strong desire to jump at that chance, but I had developed a stronger desire not to love her and to move on. It worked!

 

I know that you have much more invested, but really try setting a deadline for yourself, maybe 3 months or so. Daily reminders that it is over. Never daydream about reconciliation. Never allow any thought about how your life would be better with her in it to go unchallenged. it is mind over heart. You have to affirmatively put out the fire in your heart. Just a thought.

[UK Man]

I know what you are saying bigman1

 

I also know that she doesn't want me

 

But I don't know how to move on...........

 

I constantly think of her with this other man , with my wife of 24 years

 

 

I think what makes him more special . is it because he's younger ? new ? makes her laugh ? I had people tell me at my Mums funeral that I look very good with the weight loss and look years younger . Even then the wife doesn't want me , which makes me feel that this man must be special . But then she said she wouldn't be with me even if she wasn't with him

 

This will last a while ........ I have grand childs babtism in just over a week . I will go to the church and then leave and not go to the party afterwards . I am doing no contact

 

....... The house is on the market now , so that will be the next big thing to contend with

 

...... then I have to buy a new place

 

....... Then there will be the divorce

 

..... and in between she will probably be out in town a few times a month , where I work and will no doubt see her

 

...... she is looking so good . lost loads of weight , hair and nails done all the time , new clothes etc.

 

I'm probably not as strong as some men and don't cope good by myself

 

Sorry for gong on . I know I need to let go , but as I far as was concerned she was the love of my life

Edited June 13, 2014 by UK Man

[FredJones80]

...... she is looking so good . lost loads of weight , hair and nails done all the time , new clothes etc.

 

I'm probably not as strong as some men and don't cope good by myself

 

Don't worry about it UK Man. Most men are like you, we just don't like to admit it

 

Makes me laugh about women, they moan men have taken their eye off the ball, or let themselves go, blah blah, then as soon as they leave and hook up with someone new they spend all their time on losing weight, doing their hair, nails all the time.... errr.. if you let yourself go, so did she. Takes two to kill a marriage.

[UK Man]

True Fred

 

But I could have worked harder during the marriage , done more family things

 

I suppose she could have told me she was truly unhappy , but never did . gave me a final warning or something . But she may have emotionally checked out years ago and physically left me when she did

 

Can't believe she wants to give everything up . I supppose she thinks she will be happier by herself , when she buys a house . But money will be tight for her , but I guess she has already worked all that out

 

She may even think that she will meet a new husband who will be nicer to her than me and if she doesn't go now , she will never find out

 

I know one thing for sure ....... she doesn't want me

[Steen719]

When my XH moved on so quickly - not with the AP I caught him at, but the next one he was seeing before I moved, before we were divorced, I asked my brother "how can he move on so quickly? 23 years married" My brother gave me the answer that was the most honest one I got from anyone and that was that my XH had moved on way before I did. So simple, so true. Your W has moved on and regardless of what you do, she does not want to come back to you. She has given you her decision.

 

You will accept it eventually. I did, we all have to. I can tell you this and I'm not sure it will follow for you or make you feel any better, but I cried my eyes out - cried a river over it until I started feeling better. He slunk back after it didn't work out with his gf and no go for me. I was not interested. He is still miserable, can't get over losing his family. It is very sad. His son - only child, sees him when he sort of feels like he should, but he doesn't have much respect for him. Another sad fact. Son is moving soon and XH knows he won't see him much. I have tried to facilitate a good relationship between them, but my son is almost 24. He has his own moral compass and thinks what he does about the situation. I can't change that.

 

The other day, I was thinking how in the world I stayed with him for so long and how could I have grieved for him when he was so cavalier about our marriage. I had to shake my head. I don't have any feelings for him anymore other than sympathy. When I see him or talk to him, I have no feelings. You will get there, too.

 

It's always hard, but when you get older, you start thinking about being by yourself and it is a little daunting. It is for me and I might end up that way. It is still better than being married to someone who cared so little for our marriage that he was willing to risk it for what ended up being nothing.

 

You should go to the party after the baptism. That is your grandchild, too. Hold your head up; you have done nothing wrong. Go and enjoy yourself as much as you can. You are stronger than you think. Really! You managed fine at the funeral; you will there, too.

 

I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. You are certainly dealing with a lot right now and it must feel like a kick in the gut. Endure, persevere and you will get through.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[UK Man]

Thanks Steen719

 

you sound like a lovely lady

 

I have a son of 23 and he too isn't happy with his mother and hasn't much time for her . He works away and comes home once a month for the weekend . He stays with me and only sees his mother once for a couple of hours . where before when we were all in the house she would see a lot more of him

 

I Honestly don't think I can go to the party after the baptism . I am doing no contact and seeing her there looking nice and joking with everyone will do me no good at all . I will hate looking at her knowing what she is doing with this man

 

The difference is I know she doesn't want me and would NEVER come back even if this man doesn't work . She is adamant and says " that she is doing this for her and no one else "

 

xx

[Steen719]

Thanks Steen719

 

you sound like a lovely lady

 

Thank you.

 

I have a son of 23 and he too isn't happy with his mother and hasn't much time for her . He works away and comes home once a month for the weekend . He stays with me and only sees his mother once for a couple of hours . where before when we were all in the house she would see a lot more of him

 

Yep, that is where my son is with his dad. I don't imagine it will ever be the same between them.

 

I Honestly don't think I can go to the party after the baptism . I am doing no contact and seeing her there looking nice and joking with everyone will do me no good at all . I will hate looking at her knowing what she is doing with this man

 

Well, you know best what you can endure. This kind of thing will get easier.

 

The difference is I know she doesn't want me and would NEVER come back even if this man doesn't work . She is adamant and says " that she is doing this for her and no one else "

 

See below:

 

xx

 

I said the exact same thing. He was so proud, so sure of himself, so uncaring and blaming everything on me - my fault, he had been unhappy for a long, long time. All of that nonsense. I knew that he would never apologize, never come crawling back or even come hinting at coming back. I WAS WRONG! He did. People told me he would - I said no, not him - same thing you are saying.

 

She is doing this for herself alright. She has someone else and that is for herself. Selfish, self-serving people who blame their spouses for all of the problems in the marriage! Listen, I wasn't perfect and neither were you. I don't know about you, but I didn't deserve what he did to me. No one is perfect in a relationship and those who deflect their blame aren't worth our anguish.

 

Eventually, that will not matter to you. You will see that grieving for someone who could treat you like that is not worth it. You are better than that. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and show her what she is missing. You are honest and faithful. Do you know - do you have any idea how many women would kill to have that in a man? Go forward and be as happy as you can be day by day. Eventually, it becomes reality.

 

You will be fine. Really, you will. It takes time, tears, self-reflection, love of family and friends and you will come out of it knowing yourself better.

 

Head up!

[UK Man]

Steen719 sent you a PM

[bigman1]

UK Man, first I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO ALL WOMEN FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY. I TRULY MEAN NO OFFENSE. THIS IS BARBER SHOP TALK.

 

Wake the F up. You are a MAN and there is a pool of viable women out there waiting on you. You talk about her being good looking and him being younger and all of that crap. Recognize this, her value is depreciating FAST. She has already had kids, she has already been married and broken in by you. How many good years does she really have left? If this guy took your wife, what makes you think that he is in the market to keep her? What does she really bring to the table? Kids, cheater, older, wearing out! Sure, she has a great personality if you overlook the whole lying, cheating, manipulating thing. She is going to start costing more that she brings to the table. (That applies to men, too)

 

You can get younger, faithful, and prettier women. Maybe you don't want them right now because you want this woman, and I get that, I really do. BUT you are so into her that you forgot that you were into women. You got this woman because you found her out of a pool of other women. You became domesticated. Maybe you were not a playboy, but dude, you now have what women want.

 

You are stable. You are faithful, You are loving. You are honest. You are caring. You know how to sexually please a woman. Now, those are skills that translate. As soon as you REMEMBER that you are a man who likes and wants A woman and not just THIS woman, then the better off you are. Stop thinking relationship. Stop thinking marriage. Start thinking women. At first, you are going to be rusty, but that is okay. You just have to re-awaken the hunger for women and not just this woman.

 

Not that it matters, but once she sees that you have determined that YOU can do better, she is going to have doubts. Right now, you act like she is the prize and she loves that. Who wouldn't? You need to let her see that you realize that there are YOUNGER or PRETTIER or SEXIER or MORE DEVOTED women that YOU are interested in and who are interested in you. YOU ARE THE PRIZE.

 

Stop being the domesticated beast of burden looking to get fed by an abusive owner. Come on man. She is not worth it. She is NOT who or what you thought. You are chasing an illusion. You don't need her, you want her. Of course, once you start to question why you want HER, you will realize that she is not worth wanting. She is a habit, and a bad one at that.

[UK Man]

UK Man, first I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO ALL WOMEN FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY. I TRULY MEAN NO OFFENSE. THIS IS BARBER SHOP TALK.

 

Wake the F up. You are a MAN and there is a pool of viable women out there waiting on you. You talk about her being good looking and him being younger and all of that crap. Recognize this, her value is depreciating FAST. She has already had kids, she has already been married and broken in by you. How many good years does she really have left? If this guy took your wife, what makes you think that he is in the market to keep her? What does she really bring to the table? Kids, cheater, older, wearing out! Sure, she has a great personality if you overlook the whole lying, cheating, manipulating thing. She is going to start costing more that she brings to the table. (That applies to men, too)

 

You can get younger, faithful, and prettier women. Maybe you don't want them right now because you want this woman, and I get that, I really do. BUT you are so into her that you forgot that you were into women. You got this woman because you found her out of a pool of other women. You became domesticated. Maybe you were not a playboy, but dude, you now have what women want.

 

You are stable. You are faithful, You are loving. You are honest. You are caring. You know how to sexually please a woman. Now, those are skills that translate. As soon as you REMEMBER that you are a man who likes and wants A woman and not just THIS woman, then the better off you are. Stop thinking relationship. Stop thinking marriage. Start thinking women. At first, you are going to be rusty, but that is okay. You just have to re-awaken the hunger for women and not just this woman.

 

Not that it matters, but once she sees that you have determined that YOU can do better, she is going to have doubts. Right now, you act like she is the prize and she loves that. Who wouldn't? You need to let her see that you realize that there are YOUNGER or PRETTIER or SEXIER or MORE DEVOTED women that YOU are interested in and who are interested in you. YOU ARE THE PRIZE.

 

Stop being the domesticated beast of burden looking to get fed by an abusive owner. Come on man. She is not worth it. She is NOT who or what you thought. You are chasing an illusion. You don't need her, you want her. Of course, once you start to question why you want HER, you will realize that she is not worth wanting. She is a habit, and a bad one at that.

 

 

Thanks bigman1 that made sense . I know a few women who are interested in me now . but would it be fair to bed them when I know that it would just be for fun . wouldn't want to hurt them . also I don't know if Im ready yet . In a funny kind of way I feel it would be cheating . How crazy is that !

[bigman1]

NO YOU ARE NOT READY YET. THIS IS ABOUT GETTING YOUR MIND RIGHT. After a while, you will be ready. Different theories on whether it is cheating. That is for you to decide. I can't opine on that one, yet. But, I will say this, if you are upfront about the fact that this is not about having a relationship and is mainly a physical thing, then you are not misleading anyone. DO NOT TRY TO GET IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR A WHILE! You need to learn to be alone and heal. Still, if a woman who knows your general situation, getting divorced, is willing to fool around then TAKE IT SLOW. You don't want to freak out. Fool around, a little kissing and heavy petting is always a good way to start. Maybe take it slow on the sex thing. You can still please a woman with your hands and keep her happy until you are ready.

 

Once you re-program your mind to allow you to feel attracted to other women, you are well on your way to detaching. IMHO. For me, as a married man, I find other women attractive, but not enticing. I once had a woman hit on me HARD, but I am domesticated. I was not aroused at all. I will confess to going to a strip club early on in marriage and I honestly had no desire for the women. Dudes were tipping money and being hustled for cash because their little head was ruling their actions, but I was not the least bit tempted. It made me feel weird. I thought something was wrong with me, then I realized, I was domesticated. A married man. No more strip clubs. I did tell my wife and I thought it was a good story.... Well, lets just say, there was hell to pay, and rightly so. I was young and dumb. My point is that I get that you may have mental blocks to other women, but you can get over that and you have every reason to.

 

Date, go out, flirt, start getting in the game and getting used to getting aroused by, interested in, and pursued by other women. Then move to the physical, slowly. ALWAYS be honest about your status. Never withhold the truth or you will be starting a bad habits that may end up with you being a cheater for real.

Edited June 14, 2014 by bigman1

[Beechy1973]

Some excellent advice there.

 

Ukman. Try not to be trapped in the moment. When we have been betrayed and wounded, and most of all, rejected, we tend to catastrophise and think the way we are feeling now is how we will always feel.

 

This in NOT the case in reality.

 

Despite how you think your wife feels now, that may change. It sounds like she is having an exit affair that is unlikely to last. She may come sniffing around you when it ends, she may not. Either way it sounds like she checked out a long time ago and has been waiting for the opportunity to leave properly.

 

After everything that's happened it's natural you will look back and feel guilty. You will think you could have been kinder, gentler, more supportive and understanding, a better lover. You probably could have been but hindsight is a great thing and no relationship is perfect. Read my earlier (v long!) post in this thread about how wayward spouses will often rewrite the history of the relationship to suit themselves. Please be aware this isn't the reality - it is something they do to play the victim and to avoid feeling guilt. But the pendulum eventually swings.

 

As other posters have said so ably, don't sacrifice your dignity. Read about NC and 180. Be aware your feelings will pass and how you are feeling now will NOT be how you will always feel. Don't bury your head in the sand and be in denial; be realistic, be aware of how you are being treated by someone who was meant to be your wife.

 

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. It's going to take time. Maybe a long time. If your ex eventually comes sniffing, don't make it easy for her. Despite how long you were together it doesn't sound to me like you were meant to be. Eventually you will come to realise this and you will be happy again. You will trade up and she will trade down.

 

And no - don't go to the party after the baptism. At the baptism try your best to smile and laugh, just say a cursory hello to your ex, and move on ...

[aliveagain]

UK Man, she has accepted her new life, time you did too and start the process of getting this over, The sooner you do the sooner your healing will begin. She is focused on her new independence, her new man, the excitement, you on the other hand are still stuck in your old relationship which no longer exists. You need to change, start believing what she is telling you and showing you, time to move on and stop being her victim.

 

 

Go to the baptism, but get some edgy new cloths, change your hair, perhaps grow a beard and mustache, don't go there as the same old you. This is not about winning her back because she is no prize, you are. This is about you surviving infidelity, this is about you doing things for you because there no longer is a her, your thinking has to be in tune with your new reality. Stop thinking that you are still a couple. Go to the baptism, pay your respects, just don't hang around after, leave and don't get caught up in her games.

[No Limit]

just don't hang around after, leave and don't get caught up in her games.

 

This last sentence is of utter importance.

Don't wait for the gun to be pointed at you.

[UK Man]

Thank you guys. The last 4 posts made a lot of sense

 

I will go to the Baptism in the church , in my nice new suit , looking trim and looking good . Not for her but for me

 

I will tell my daughter before the service that I will be leaving straight after the baptism and I hope they all have a lovely day . Won't hand around for the photos as wife will be hovering around and will be in them etc

Edited June 14, 2014 by UK Man

[Beechy1973]

How did it go UkMan? Hope you managed to stay cool and restrained, and stopped yourself from trying to drown ex in the font

[UK Man]

How did it go UkMan? Hope you managed to stay cool and restrained, and stopped yourself from trying to drown ex in the font

 

 

As expected . I went to the church . Said hi to the people there I know . After the babtism I kissed my daughter goodbye and said I was leaving . She understood

 

Never talked to the wife . Looked at her and it really hurt as she was looking so nice and slim

 

She's been with her man for around 2 months now . I'm scared she has fell in love with him . But then again what does it matter ? she doesn't want me and that's that

 

I had to speak to her this week about the house sale . We had a little argument . She just wants the house sold asap so she can have her money . I said that's fine but I won't take a silly price for it and if it takes extra time to sell then it does . She wasn't happy . She said she is going to speak to a solicitor as she is sick of all this house business . What am I supposed to do ?

 

I think she will stop paying me half of the mortgage from now on . She has already hinted this saying why should she pay if she doesn't live there . I said your name is on the mortgage . If I don't pay it on time It will effect my credit rating very badly and will mes up my chances on my next house , so I have no option . I can pay for everything , but will have nothing left over afterwards so will not be good

 

I'm struggling too and not coping very well . Why do I still miss her for ? I feel very low and not improving at all

[Oberfeldwebel]

You may want to take a lesser amount on the house for a quick sale, if she will sign off on your retirement. You will have to crunch the numbers, but just a thought. In the mean time you need to spend more time on you and less time thinking of her. Exercise to make a healthier you, invest in hobbies or try something new, volunteer time to help others. You may want to offer to sit with your grandchild one night a week to give daughter a break and allow you to bond with him/her. Only talk to stbx about legal or financial matters. She is your children's mother, so you owe her a certain respect for their sake. I wouldn't avoid family events because of her, don't give her the satisfaction.

[UK Man]

You may want to take a lesser amount on the house for a quick sale, if she will sign off on your retirement. You will have to crunch the numbers, but just a thought. In the mean time you need to spend more time on you and less time thinking of her. Exercise to make a healthier you, invest in hobbies or try something new, volunteer time to help others. You may want to offer to sit with your grandchild one night a week to give daughter a break and allow you to bond with him/her. Only talk to stbx about legal or financial matters. She is your children's mother, so you owe her a certain respect for their sake. I wouldn't avoid family events because of her, don't give her the satisfaction.

 

I need as much money out of the house to put down on my new place

 

I work nights and will have to work a minimum of 6 nights a week to survive

I see my grand daughter a few times a week and take her for a walk

 

I wish I knew how to stop thinking of the wife . I am consumed by her and what she is doing with this man every minute of the waking day . I just don't know how not to

 

If I take less on the house she will still want her share of the pension no matter what

 

Sorry guys , real bad way

[hfp]

Buy this book

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403533530&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+past+your+breakup

 

And do the work!

[PegNosePete]

She said she is going to speak to a solicitor as she is sick of all this house business . What am I supposed to do ?

First, if you've put the house on the market. TAKE IT OFF! You should not sell the house until you have a consent order or court order as part of the divorce process, which states how much each of you will get from the sale and also resolves all the other finances of the marriage. You might be entitled to significantly more than 50% of the equity since her housing needs are already met, but if you accept 50% now then you won't be able to get more later. This is why you should...

 

SEE A SOLICITOR for a FREE initial consultation! If you haven't yet then I strongly advise you do - it costs you nothing! Especially if your wife is living in the same area, if you go for a free consultation then it effectively blocks her from using that solicitor (conflict of interest laws); or if she uses one then they can't advise YOU. So get in there first! Find a few good divorce solicitors and see them all for a free initial consultation. They won't pressure you into using them, and they'll give you a good indication of a likely outcome. If you want to retain one at a later date then you'll know which ones you liked etc. So that's definitely a very important step. Only talk to them about the finances; your free consultation will be time limited so don't waste it talking about why you want a divorce, how to phrase the petition, etc. This is all simple stuff. Stick to the finances, the house, etc. You can find out a lot of information and a likely outcome in a half hour free consultation. You should take all your facts and figures with you, summarized on one A4 sheet: incomes, outgoings, house values, mortgage details etc.

 

Forcing someone to sell a house at a knock-down rate is very very difficult, especially when you're still married without a financial resolution. To force the issue she would need a divorce, a consent order or court order, and an enforcement order; and even then forcing you to accept below market values is hard. All of that takes a lot of time and costs a lot of money. It's very likely that she is simply bluffing. Maybe she will get a solicitor, maybe she won't, that's up to her. But getting a solicitor does not force you to sell the house below market value. SHE will be building up solicitors fees, you will not.

 

I think she will stop paying me half of the mortgage from now on . She has already hinted this saying why should she pay if she doesn't live there . I said your name is on the mortgage . If I don't pay it on time It will effect my credit rating very badly and will mes up my chances on my next house , so I have no option . I can pay for everything , but will have nothing left over afterwards so will not be good

Unfortunately she is right on this one. You have exclusive usage of the property so why should she pay? Effectively, you are "renting her half" from her... paying her half of the mortgage, and getting usage of her half of the house. Her name is on the mortgage yes, but mortgagees are usually "jointly and severally" responsible for paying. That means you are BOTH responsible for paying it ALL. There is no "I pay my half you pay yours" clause in there. If the mortgage company don't get their money they can come after either or both of you for the full amount. Since you live in the property, it will more than likely be you they chase, it's far easier for them than tracking her down (her new guy will most likely ignore or bin all communications from them and they'll hit a dead end).

 

Oh one thing you should do at this point is change the locks. She has been gone for a sufficient time that her right of free access to the FMH are out-weighed by your right to privacy. So CHANGE THE LOCKS to keep her out. It would be a complete nightmare for you, if she decided to move back in one day while you were at work. Not only a very bad situation, but it would increase her claim on the house significantly.

 

You should also FILE FOR DIVORCE as quickly as possible. Being the petitioner gives you many advantages. You will choose a court local to you, and you will be in the driving seat for the whole process. If you allow her to be petitioner then you may find she stalls (for ANY reason under the sun), and it will be extremely difficult to progress it.

Edited June 23, 2014 by PegNosePete

[SoleMate]

You really need competent legal advice immediately.