seeking forgiveness/trying to win over ex

[emily15]

ive known my ex since the my sophomore of highschool and his freshman year. we have always liked eachother but did not start dating till about a year after we met. that summer, i kissed someone at a concert and lied about it. i had no intentions of ever doing it again. after that, i was living at my vacation house for the summer which is two hours from him. he was very insecure and fought with me a lot and at the time, i was very defensive and blamed everything on him. i cheated on him two more times in july which were back to back nights. in my head i thought i could just do what i want and then id be okay and he didnt have to know. i felt awful about it and did nothing with anyone the rest of the summer. in the beginning of my senior year, everything was absolutely perfect. then, my grandfather died and he just blamed all my unhappiness on himself and i didnt have the energy to make him feel better. our rekationship held up, but when down hill. i graduated and had every intention of staying faithful. i went to the beach for a week with my class and didnt cheat on him, but he was picking fights with me almost every night. he was leaving for camp for a month when i got back and i told him how unhappy i was. i tried breaking up with him but i was not direct enough about it and tried taking breaks and things like that. i ended up hooking up with this one prson all while he was gone but ended it once he got back. when he was back, i broke up with him because i knew i couldnt be with him. i ended up missing him and tried to bury it all. at this point i think i was starting to wonder what else was out there especially because i went to college. we stayed in an open relationship but we had limitations on it.i broke those rules at school. i knew i couldnt be with him unless i told him the truth, but i couldnt ever tell him.i tried just drifting from him but he still fought for me and wouldnt let me go. after winter break, i told him we could no longer talk anymore. i eventually got the guts to tell him everything and i did. he never talked to me after finding out the info. i started trying to move on and dated the guy i broke my promises with him with. i contacted my ex asking to talk for closure and he agreed. then he went back and told me never to talk to him again but then agreed to meet with me. my current bf was not okay with it so i didnt. but then i realized i had to. i told my new bf i still loved my ex and i couldnt be with him. i am not meeting my ex next week and am so nervous. i know ive changed i just hope he can see it. i understand now that you dont cheat when youre unhappy and you owe it to them to tell them youre unhappy and work through it together and you never lie to protect someone you love feelings like that. i decided to not live at my vacation house this summer in case hes willing to hang out with me and i bought no ocncert tickets because he hates when i go to them. im going to tell him he can look through my phone, ill delete people from my contacts and on facebook, like literally whatever he needs to trust me again, ill do it with no resentment and b completely patient with him. i know he still loves me, but im scared he wont take me back. i know im not sorry cause i got caught or bc im lonely bc i told him myself and i had a bf. i truly want to make him happy and treat him better than i ever did before. i know its gonna be so hard but im willing to do it because i know i love him. it sucks but it took messing up to realize it but i finally did. as much as i want him, i also want him to be happy so i dont know where i need to draw the line between trying to get him back and leaving him alone. am i doing everything right? im so scared and i dont kno w what im gonna do. before i feel like i was scared he wasnt the one and now im terrified because i know he is. i dont know how to go about all of this. im scared ill forget to say something. idk if i should write it down and give it to him after we talk?

[Darren Steez]

Yeah it seems like you don't like being alone.

 

Trouble with your ex, you went and cheated.

 

You had an "open" relationship, you broke the rules.

 

Even now you were in contact with your ex while you're with another guy,broke up with him and are immediately diving into this meeting with your ex.

 

You cheated for a reason, and those reasons are still there. You hurt your ex, you think you've changed but you really haven't at all.

 

Just be alone for a while. Try it

[emily15]

i honestly dont think im scared to be alone. i was honest with the new boyfriend about everything. a big problem i used to have was being dishonest to save people from hurt but i know ive changed. ive been alone for about a month and a half and have turned many guys down, like its not about being alone. if this doesnt work out with him i plan to be alone. but i know ive changed, thats not my issue at all

[emily15]

and i know the reason i cheated the first time was for actually no reason, and every other time was cause we were fighting because of his insecurities and i was never understanding of them and got defensive and resented him for it. but now i can admit how i wrong i was looking back, and i take full responsibility for it all.

[emily15]

like everything before i messed up, but i was completely honest with my new bf about everything. like i didnt lie, i told him striaght up i missed my ex and that i needed to be alone to figure it out, and thats what i did and my conclusion is i want my ex. i was never dishonest with my newer bf

[emily15]

the point is that ive changed. please do not comment on this if it is negativity toward me. i know myself. i need advice on him. opinions about taking me back is fine but please do not tell me who i am and what i will do in new cheating opportunties. i know myself.

[No Limit]

the point is that ive changed. please do not comment on this if it is negativity toward me. i know myself. i need advice on him. opinions about taking me back is fine but please do not tell me who i am and what i will do in new cheating opportunties. i know myself.

 

No, you don't. You were pretty sure and confident about yourself back when you cheated, and I must say your posts still sound more like "Okay, this time I REALLY REALLY won't cheat" and then boom. You've barely left your last guy by now and I don't think you even realize what damage your behavior causes.

 

I don't think you're mature enough for a relationship, and I think your ex is an idiot if he takes you back which I also doubt, but wonders and bad things tend to happen. Also, I don't think there are many in this forum who will rhetorically pet your shoulder and comfort you; and we most certainly won't advise you about all things you can do to trick him back into a relationship. This is his life as well you know, and you have no fixed role in his play.

Edited May 19, 2014 by No Limit

[ThatMan]

the point is that ive changed. please do not comment on this if it is negativity toward me. i know myself. i need advice on him. opinions about taking me back is fine but please do not tell me who i am and what i will do in new cheating opportunties. i know myself.

I think compared to anybody else you'll find here, aliveagain is probably the most supportive person you'll ever come across. Whether or you've actually changed has nothing to do with how respecting people and boundaries will permit you to foster healthy relationships. This is a crucial skill if you're truly interested in getting this relationship business off the ground. I think changing your attitude is something to always practice throughout your entire life and not graduating ceremony to put behind you.

 

But what you're essentially saying here is there's nothing any of us can do for you. Forgiveness is different from reconciliation but both are entirely up to him. We're not talking to your ex. So I guess you don't want anybody to comment at all here.

 

The only support we can offer is to encourage you to keep working at it.

[emily15]

thank you, i really respect your advise. if he wants nothing to do with me after this, I'm leaving him alone. but i did not sleep around, i just kissed people. not that that makes it any better, but its a little different. you know?

[ThatMan]

I do know and it is different.

 

The tricky thing about reconciliation is that it's difficult to forget painful transgressions. Forgiveness is all about letting go of pain, guilt, anger and resentment. Forgiveness is made for yourself to move on with life. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting and it is not meant for another person who has wronged you. So even if your ex forgives you, what you've done, and puts it all behind him; He isn't doing so just for your convenience. He's moving on emotionally from the pain of betrayal.

 

He'll always remember the blatant disrespect. That is exactly what makes reconciliation so difficult. Betrayal is still painful for some even if it just a kiss. He's created ideas inside his own mind of what he isn't willing to tolerate. And that's why he is now an ex and not a boyfriend.

[emily15]

yeah, i mean i broke up with him before i told him. like i realized how wrong i was especially for lying. i just hope he at least gives me a shot to try to reconcile it. i dont expect it to be easy at all. i just dont know where i draw the line between showing him how much i care, and just letting him be. be ultimately all i care about is his happiness.

[preraph]

You're too young to try to have a committed relationship. This is the right time for you to date a variety of guys and for him to date a variety of girls. At your ages, people are constantly changing. You may change toward each other or you may not -- but trying to force a committed relationship you're both really too young to achieve will do nothing but stunt your growth. This is the time to expand your universe: travel, meet different people, make new friends. When real love is supposed to come together, it will, and it won't be such a struggle. Love isn't about holding each other down. It should be easier than that.

[No Limit]

but i did not sleep around, i just kissed people.

 

Kissing too is a way of showing affection.

Don't you think that these gestures hold a higher value than just entertainment?

[emily15]

You just took those words and threw it out of context. The next sentence is literally about how it doesn't make it any better. I completely own up to my mistakes and have changed and am still working hard to be better. Please don't criticize me I already know I was wrong

[ThatMan]

I'm kind of hesitant to suspect that because you make the choice to breakup with him, he might not have actually forgiven you yet. The must needs to be left behind in his court at the end of the day. Just let him know how you feel and that you're available. Everything else is entirely up to him.

 

If you actually want a relationship to work, however, you still need slowly work towards certain goals. Going back to this question right here...

 

Kissing too is a way of showing affection.

Don't you think that these gestures hold a higher value than just entertainment?

 

The question isn't necessarily about how certain acts of unfaithfulness are somehow better or worse than others. The question is about, at least from my point of view, understanding how a wayward kiss is potentially hurtful.

[emily15]

Yes he knows I started to date the other guy. And he doesn't know I broke up with him. But that is all I do want to do is just apologize because I haven't said sorry really yet and let him know I'm available and that I've changed and am continuing to work on myself. I'm not going to force anything, I just want to go about everything in the best way. I realize now that hooking up with guys in college isn't all it's cracked up to be and I really have put myself in his position and realized everything I did to him and how stubborn I was and how much I was in denial about it. He just needs to know all of it

[BeholdtheMan]

i know ive changed i just hope he can see it.

 

Please use paragraphs and punctuation...it makes your post much easier to read.

 

As for your situation...I don't think you've changed. I think you were curious about what else was out there. Now you've had your fun, you're back to your ex-boyfriend, the guy who gives you the most emotional support.

 

I think you have to ask yourself...is your ex-BF just your back-up plan? Is he really the one for you? Or is he just the guy you're gonna fall back to whenever you have problems?

 

If a better deal comes along, will you ditch him for that deal...and the fall back to him if it doesn't work out with the other guy?

 

The point is...get back together with your ex if you truly love him and think he's the best option for you. Don't treat him like a back-up

[emily15]

Sorry about my punctuation.

 

But no, he is absolutely not my back up. I was dating that other guy at school and he was a great guy too and I care about him a lot, but it just wasn't the same. I have other guys who I could go to if I was just bored. I would never go back to my ex unless I knew for a fact I will treat him right and that I know I really want to be with him. I put him threw way too much already to go into anything with uncertainty. I truly care about him and never want to hurt him again.

[Quiet Storm]

You really disrespected him and its going be hard for him to come back from that.

 

It's not just about you apologizing and promising to never do it again. It's also about how he views himself, and how he would feel being with someone that betrayed him like this. Even if you never do it again, you did it. You are capable of that.

 

For men with kids, I think its worth it for men to make an effort to overcome it. They are invested, and want their kids to have an intact family. They have good reason to push through that betrayal and to forgive. Even with counseling, it can take years to recover. It's a lot of hard work, love and devotion. I don't think you realize how much damage has been done.

 

IMO you both would be better off finding other people. You could take everything you have learned into a new relationship and not make these mistakes. He could find someome that never did this to him.

 

You need to look deeper. This was a string of betrayals, not a mistake. Let him go so he can find someone that loves and respects him from the start. You need to work on yourself so you don't do this to the next guy. Maybe you need to learn better coping skills and have better boundaries. Evolving and maturing is so much more than saying youll never do it again. Explore that, for yourself, for your future. This is bigger than this particular boyfriend.

[BeholdtheMan]

But no, he is absolutely not my back up. I was dating that other guy at school and he was a great guy too and I care about him a lot, but it just wasn't the same. I have other guys who I could go to if I was just bored.

 

Let me explain why your ex might not take you back.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. Let's say your ex cheated on you. He cheated because he was curious if there was something better out there.

 

After sleeping around, he came to the realization that nope...there's nothing better out there. Essentially, he's only returning to you because he couldn't find a better option. His method of searching for a better option was to sleep with multiple women.

 

He was looking for a better deal but couldn't find it. Now he's back to you. Would you reconcile with him?

 

Even if he now says "I've realised you're the one", would you believe him? Do you have to cheat on your partner to realise that he/she is the one? If someone is the one, wouldn't you know it? Why would you have to cheat to confirm it?

Edited May 21, 2014 by BeholdtheMan

[emily15]

I guess I'm just stuck on the idea that love prevails everything. The thought of losing him for good makes me sick. I know it's gonna be hard, but it's so worth it for me. It's all about if it's worth it to him.

[ThatMan]

I believe that plenty of people go through a phase of having a certain mentality. Many children of young adolescents might think to themselves, "If I spend the afternoon thinking about how much I love him/her, my thoughts will reach them."

 

But then life goes on and people eventually figure out that love is one of those things you need to express in positive ways. And you simply cannot express that sort of love alongside acts of betrayal. It's actually really, really sad that you're stuck on the idea that love prevails everything. That mentality is why battered women and abusive victims accept mistreatment for themselves. They believe this very negative expression of love is right for them, for whatever reason.

 

You can sit there and jump up and down all day exclaiming, "But I've changed!" And you'd still, (hopefully?), not get anywhere. Think about the point of view of your ex.

 

To him:

 

• He was rejected by you.
  
• You choose somebody else over him.
  
• You came back into the picture but only AFTER your little fling didn't pan out very well.
  
• He was betrayed by you.
  
• You minimized that betrayal to him. At least if hold onto the belief it was 'just a kiss' outside of these discussions.
  

The only thing you've done is demonstrate that you have not changed. You've repeatedly demonstrated the very opposite - that he can depend on you to hurt him.

[emily15]

I understand he feels betrayed. I know cheating isn't the way to figure out if someone is the one. I just need to tell him how I feel and I'm asking for advice on how to talk to him. I appreciate the posts even saying not to talk about him. Anything that is advice I will take into consideration but please don't post on this anymore if you're just going to criticize my actions. They're in my past and I know how wrong they are and that's what's important. I can't change them. I'm

Not going to let them define me. I need to tell him how I feel and he can take it or leave it, but it needs to be said.