Exposing the Affair

[ladydesigner]

How many BS here have exposed the A? How did you expose it and how effective would you say the exposure was in stopping the A. I exposed my WH's A through emails to some pertinent friends, MOW's husband and MOW's second employer (my husband was her first as she worked 2 jobs) who was also a friend of mine. I feel it had a tremendous effect on stopping the A. I do not feel bad that I exposed the A and would do it again in a heartbeat.

[sweet_pea]

I exposed to people, through word of mouth/email. When I exposed, the affair was over but I did it because I needed the support at the time of exposure. I'm normally a low-key person, so to speak, but infidelity is something that is hard to deal with alone & I wanted the support of family/friends/others so I told them, plus I wasn't really posting on forums like this when it happened.

 

I don't feel bad either and would do it again. I do, however, think it's funny when certain people try to make you feel bad or like you're this awful, unstable, evil person for exposing the affair/situation (aka the truth, mind you). If they don't like the idea of exposure, ok, that's their opinion, but to try to assign these kind of characteristics (unstable, immature, horrible, bad/mean, so on) to the person exposing is a little bit much… especially when I see they aren't assigning the same characteristics to themselves for having the affair/condoning the affair/etc.

Edited May 20, 2014 by sweet_pea

[janedoe67]

I believe the BS has the right to expose the A. However, IMO, they are the ONLY ones who have that right.

[Fluttershy]

I guess it comes down to the type of person you are. Some people are private and value discretion and tact. Others are public and let it all hang out. The second group usually see it as a form of honesty. Personally I think you can be an honest person and have tact. And not fling your business in the fave of every person you know. But that's me. If scorched earth was what it took for others to get their spouse to behave and to maybe let out some vengence and now they are happy. More power to you.

[Ladydrib]

How many BS here have exposed the A? How did you expose it and how effective would you say the exposure was in stopping the A. I exposed my WH's A through emails to some pertinent friends, MOW's husband and MOW's second employer (my husband was her first as she worked 2 jobs) who was also a friend of mine. I feel it had a tremendous effect on stopping the A. I do not feel bad that I exposed the A and would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

No disrespect, my response is from a place of tough love, but don't BSs want their husbands to stop the affair because they have hit a point where they will lose you or lose her?

 

This is disturbing that women get caught up in trying to parent their husbands to do the "right thing". Maybe the right thing is to tell him your expectations as let him decide. If he doesn't pick the wife, go find a man who is better than him because honey he is falling way short if he can't come up with that without our guidance!

 

Don't guide. Demand. And if demands are not met - dump him.

[Red123]

No disrespect, my response is from a place of tough love, but don't BSs want their husbands to stop the affair because they have hit a point where they will lose you or lose her?

 

This is disturbing that women get caught up in trying to parent their husbands to do the "right thing". Maybe the right thing is to tell him your expectations as let him decide. If he doesn't pick the wife, go find a man who is better than him because honey he is falling way short if he can't come up with that without our guidance!

 

Don't guide. Demand. And if demands are not met - dump him.

 

For my situation I totally agree. He needed to do it on his own not because I exposed it. I want him to be in R because that is what he wants and not have him hiding and still conducting the A. If I have to do anything to prevent him from going back to it I don't want him. That said I can see why others do, it's just not for me

[Ladydrib]

For my situation I totally agree. He needed to do it on his own not because I exposed it. I want him to be in R because that is what he wants and not have him hiding and still conducting the A. If I have to do anything to prevent him from going back to it I don't want him. That said I can see why others do, it's just not for me

 

I hope he's giving you what you deserve. Good for you! Just remember, he's damn lucky for getting a second chance!!!!

[Fluttershy]

No disrespect, my response is from a place of tough love, but don't BSs want their husbands to stop the affair because they have hit a point where they will lose you or lose her?

 

This is disturbing that women get caught up in trying to parent their husbands to do the "right thing". Maybe the right thing is to tell him your expectations as let him decide. If he doesn't pick the wife, go find a man who is better than him because honey he is falling way short if he can't come up with that without our guidance!

 

Don't guide. Demand. And if demands are not met - dump him.

 

This is how I feel. After the initial shock of my H's confession wore off I saw though I will admit I hated seeing it, that he, on his own was doing everything possible to make amends. He ended his affair on his own and he confessed on his own and so forth. For me to tell it woild have been vengence. And I am someone who knows that it never helps. It doesn't undo hurt. If I had caught my H before e had got to this point I would have wanted the pain and hurt on my face to be enough for him to realize what he had done.

[HermioneG]

I hefty bagged my spouse's stuff, and told him to go be with her.

 

I did tell his parents, since I dropped his stuff off at their house. Turns out? They already knew about the affair, and had OW in their house a few times. So. Not really an exposure.

 

I told OW's family the affair was still occurring. But that was anticlimactic, because they had originally told me, and I was convinced by my spouse that they were crazy and making stuff up.

 

So again. Not such a successful exposure, because they already knew.

 

I told my parents. They were actually surprised. So. Exposure 1 already knew 2.

 

Anyway- I exposed. Not to "parent" my spouse. Because I was done. I told him to go to her and stay with her.

 

Imagine my surprise when that was the last thing on earth he actually wanted.

[MuddyFootprints]

While I do agree that the bs has every right to expose the affair, our reconciliation is suffering now because of this. It is a good thing I was isolated and alone before. I'm feeling and experiencing the full extent of his truth now. I want to think that I'm strong enough to endure the exclusion, the random spurts of venom, and the loneliness, but some days it isn't easy. I find myself wondering why he wanted to stay married to me even more often.

 

His exposure made no difference in the end of my affair.

 

Just be careful who you tell if reconciliation is being considered.

 

When I hear what has been said and what he has been saying...our reconciliation feels like a lie.

[Red123]

I hope he's giving you what you deserve. Good for you! Just remember, he's damn lucky for getting a second chance!!!!

 

I agree he is very lucky. His luck wouldn't be this good twice. He also understands that I have no interest in false R and I truly don't understand why anyone would do it. If he doesn't want to do the work to repair things then he knows he can let me go and I will be fine. As he says I'm smart, funny, have a great paying job and I look like Jessica Rabbit. Lol. Ill be fine. But we love each other so one more try, but that's it.

[Ladydrib]

I hefty bagged my spouse's stuff, and told him to go be with her.

 

I did tell his parents, since I dropped his stuff off at their house. Turns out? They already knew about the affair, and had OW in their house a few times. So. Not really an exposure.

 

I told OW's family the affair was still occurring. But that was anticlimactic, because they had originally told me, and I was convinced by my spouse that they were crazy and making stuff up.

 

So again. Not such a successful exposure, because they already knew.

 

I told my parents. They were actually surprised. So. Exposure 1 already knew 2.

 

Anyway- I exposed. Not to "parent" my spouse. Because I was done. I told him to go to her and stay with her.

 

Imagine my surprise when that was the last thing on earth he actually wanted.

 

This was good because you needed support and guidance from someone who was not being lied to/ manipulated by him. Your strategy was not to control him, rather it was to gain clarity through all the lies. Good move. Gotta go read your story to see if you whipped him into shape when he was groveling or if you cut him loose.

[AmyBamy]

You exposed it to stop it? May I ask why you didn't just divorce him?

 

As for me, I didn't "expose" it but I didn't hide it either. When I filed for divorce, people had their questions, sure, and most people I answered honestly at the time. At the time, I simply said he had a girlfriend. Later, I was able to admit that there were problems before his affair, including some of my own behaviors and I would disclose those too, depending on who I was talking to.

 

My family knew and his family knew. Outside of them and our personal and shared friends, I have no idea who knew. It didn't matter to me who knew because I had no agenda. They weren't in our relationship, I wasn't trying to shame him, and I don't think that what goes on behind closed doors should be public information. Never do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily angry.

[jwi71]

How many BS here have exposed the A? How did you expose it and how effective would you say the exposure was in stopping the A. I exposed my WH's A through emails to some pertinent friends, MOW's husband and MOW's second employer (my husband was her first as she worked 2 jobs) who was also a friend of mine. I feel it had a tremendous effect on stopping the A. I do not feel bad that I exposed the A and would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

Everyone I could think of - including virtually her entire office - all the way up to an EVP. I blasted an email from her work email that had a group listing that was like all DFW or something - I sent it to that group.

 

It did and did not work - the A was out to everyone (friends, family, work) but she STILL tried to reach him. It applied tremendous pressure on my xW and her OM though - overall I would say it was a positive move and one that a BS should very seriously consider.

[gettingstronger]

Let me say what others decide is up to them and just because I decided different does not mean I am judging them-

 

I did not expose-I consider reconciliation a personal matter- I did not want the judgements on what others think I should do to cloud my own decisions- I did not want my husband with me out of fear-I did not need to end the A fo him- that was up to him-I gave him a free pass to do what he wanted-be with her with no hassle from me, no holding the kids over his head, no big settlement in a divorce, none of it-he could just walk away and leave me as he found me-independent and able to take care of myself-all I would have wanted was 50/50 on the kids and for him to continue to contribute to their needs (they were 14 & 18 so even thats not a huge deal)

He never wavered- he wanted to be with me and to redeem himself-he had no issue cutting it off cold although I asked that he offer to meet with her face to face- she has intruded for 16 months with very few breaks-I did disclose to her husband (after warning her I would) in an effort to reign her in-even that has not worked- we have pursued legal avenues as well-its not fun but I don't regret my decision not to expose-

[anne1707]

I'm sorry but I really do not "get" the reasoning for widespread exposure. What relevance does it have to the WS's workplace as an example? None at all. Even if the affair happened at work (as mine did), it would only have been an issue to the employer if work performance was suffering?

 

It all just feels like a supposedly civilised version of a public stoning ceremony.

 

 

If you want to reconcile then having all and sundry know such personal details about you will surely make it harder. If you choose to leave then you will be faced with people thinking "look at that BS over there, such a shame".

[not-so-sure]

I'm sorry but I really do not "get" the reasoning for widespread exposure. What relevance does it have to the WS's workplace as an example? None at all. Even if the affair happened at work (as mine did), it would only have been an issue to the employer if work performance was suffering?

 

It all just feels like a supposedly civilised version of a public stoning ceremony.

 

 

If you want to reconcile then having all and sundry know such personal details about you will surely make it harder. If you choose to leave then you will be faced with people thinking "look at that BS over there, such a shame".

 

Well I guess some people don't really get the reasoning for affairs either :-) . I had to disclose my affair to my employer but that was separate from my immediate superior. No one at my office knows except for a couple of closer colleagues. I'm pretty sure most would have joined the dots already but if my wife wanted to take out a full page ad in the local paper I think I probably lost any say in the matter, don't you think?

 

Some people need to be pulled, others pushed to get to the same point. Exposure may be the push some ws need. I don't think that necessarily takes away from the authenticity of a reconciliation either. In my case, it's taken a lot of time and apprehension to re engage. But as each day passes I find that easier and I am more grateful for what I nearly threw away. I might even say "love" now.

[fellini]

I'm sorry but I really do not "get" the reasoning for widespread exposure. What relevance does it have to the WS's workplace as an example? None at all. Even if the affair happened at work (as mine did), it would only have been an issue to the employer if work performance was suffering?

 

It all just feels like a supposedly civilised version of a public stoning ceremony.

 

 

If you want to reconcile then having all and sundry know such personal details about you will surely make it harder. If you choose to leave then you will be faced with people thinking "look at that BS over there, such a shame".

 

I don't see how exposing that an "affair occurred" is some kind of exposure of "such personal details". I've said this before, and I stand by it, depending on the workplace climate and culture, exposing an affair can have enormously positive effects in reminding workplace co-workers how easy it is to renegotiate boundaries among colleagues if they are not careful.

 

For example:

• inappropriate touching / hugging opposite sex co-workers (my WS's case)
  
• awareness that certain personality types are too conducive to being "invisible" forms of seduction
  
• revealing an affair alerts others of potential affairs NOT necessarily related to this one, i.e. it's a wake up call that the workplace is becoming a haven for infidelity
  
• One way of finding out which acquaintances are "friends of the marriage" and more importantly, which ones are not
  

 

Exposing the A from our perspective opened some news and information that this was in fact the 4th affair in their department in the same year. If the A's continue to stay hidden, no one is able to see the "bigger picture" about what is going on in some workplace climates. Exposing ours started a unexpected conversation among many people about just what the F is going on in that group. And I think more than a few spouses of this group are thankful for the heads up.

 

Just last week, we went through a mini crises about this. One of the three close "friends" of my WS (who was told about the A 9 months post DDAY) and a very good friend of the AP (which is why we told her) was chatting with exAP over lunch and invited HIM to go with the group (which included my WS, myself, and our daughter among 10 other people) to an excursion in early June. She even suggested that he could hang out with ME and our daughter!

 

One of the other two who knew quickly jumped in an NIXed that idea throwing glaring eyes at this person. To this day we do NOT know what on earth she was up to, inviting an exAP to spend 4 days in a hotel with his exAP, but there you go. Having someone else know, helped because a) she turned the invitation around into a clear, you are not invited, and b) communicated the whole episode to my WS so that she knew what was going on not in her presence with her "friends". We were clear about telling these co-workers about the Affair SPECIFICALLY to stop them from inviting the exAP into social situations that included my WS.

Edited May 20, 2014 by fellini

[HermioneG]

This was good because you needed support and guidance from someone who was not being lied to/ manipulated by him. Your strategy was not to control him, rather it was to gain clarity through all the lies. Good move. Gotta go read your story to see if you whipped him into shape when he was groveling or if you cut him loose.

 

I did not whip him into shape.

 

He worked on himself, and steadfastly worked to prove he was worth giving another chance, and six months later, he returned to our house, and we began reconciliation.

 

I don't control other people. I cannot whip anyone else into shape. Nor would I want to do that.

[janedoe67]

I can see the value of workplace exposure when the A took place at work. Now, if the A is over, it did not take place at work, and the marriage is supposedly reconciling, then workplace exposure doesn't make much "stopping the affair" (it's already over) sense to me. In that case, the only reason I could see for that is to make sure as many people know someone cheated as possible, which I can see being satisfying in certain ways, but I'm not sure I'd call it a pro-reconciliation move.

 

If that type of workplace exposure results in the loss of a needed job, then I would hope the BS wouldn't then complain about a lack of funds or would be prepared for the FACT that they will be paying support to their now unemployed spouse should they divorce.

[anne1707]

Exposure may be the push some ws need. I don't think that necessarily takes away from the authenticity of a reconciliation either.

 

If you thought I meant reconciliation when then has been such exposure is not authentic, that was not what I meant at all.

 

I just think it has the possibility of making something really hard to do even harder. It's enough to battle with your own judgements of the situation without having other people judging you too. And I mean that from the perspective of the BS - if you choose to reconcile, there will be some who will criticise you for that (we see it here on LS). It adds yet more pressure.

 

There is also the thing where I really just will never get how exposure within the workplace is necessary - especially if the affair was outside of work. I do wonder how much of this different viewpoint is a cultural thing - US vs UK.

[fellini]

I can see the value of workplace exposure when the A took place at work. Now, if the A is over, it did not take place at work, and the marriage is supposedly reconciling, then workplace exposure doesn't make much "stopping the affair" (it's already over) sense to me. In that case, the only reason I could see for that is to make sure as many people know someone cheated as possible, which I can see being satisfying in certain ways, but I'm not sure I'd call it a pro-reconciliation move.

 

If that type of workplace exposure results in the loss of a needed job, then I would hope the BS wouldn't then complain about a lack of funds or would be prepared for the FACT that they will be paying support to their now unemployed spouse should they divorce.

 

Well if its not a workplace affair (which is a huge percentage of affairs) exposing makes no sense. But I disagree that "if the A is over" is relevant. When "is" an A over? Regardless, as I said, it's NOT JUST ABOUT ENDING the A, it's about exposing so that people know what kind of work environment they are spending the bulk of their living hours in. My WS's affair was 9 months over when we "exposed" it to three specific people. It was a strategic decision to reinforce NC, and to make it clear to the AP that he had to stop "pretending" to be "just passing by".

[not-so-sure]

If you thought I meant reconciliation when then has been such exposure is not authentic, that was not what I meant at all.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to conflate the two concepts.

 

Despite my choices, I do earnestly believe in honesty and accountability and I can see when I get it wrong. To me exposure would have been an inevitable consequence and I would have taken my lumps. I would not have taken issue with my wife for telling. It was me that messed it up.

[janedoe67]

Well if its not a workplace affair (which is a huge percentage of affairs) exposing makes no sense. But I disagree that "if the A is over" is relevant. When "is" an A over? Regardless, as I said, it's NOT JUST ABOUT ENDING the A, it's about exposing so that people know what kind of work environment they are spending the bulk of their living hours in. My WS's affair was 9 months over when we "exposed" it to three specific people. It was a strategic decision to reinforce NC, and to make it clear to the AP that he had to stop "pretending" to be "just passing by".

 

In case I was unclear, I meant if the A is over and it did not happen at the workplace. Even if the A is over, then I can understand what you did, since it took place at work. However, you strategically exposed to 3 people - you didn't put a giant memo up in the break room for all to see.

 

Honestly, if I had an A with someone I was going to be seeing regularly at work, I would assume that part of my amends would be to find a new job and get my booty out of there!

[anne1707]

Sorry, I didn't mean to conflate the two concepts.

 

My misunderstanding

 

Despite my choices, I do earnestly believe in honesty and accountability and I can see when I get it wrong. To me exposure would have been an inevitable consequence and I would have taken my lumps. I would not have taken issue with my wife for telling. It was me that messed it up.

 

Oh I feel the same way too. It was all on me too. But the exposure issue was never really considered in our situation. I think that is because my husband shares my views and did not see what gain there was to be had. His view was that it was up to me to prove I could be trusted again and I needed to do that by my actions alone, not through others distancing themselves from me.

 

I should also add that I am not so naive to think that nobody at work suspected the affair.