Exposing the Affair

[Charlie Harper]

I guess it comes down to the type of person you are. Some people are private and value discretion and tact. Others are public and let it all hang out. The second group usually see it as a form of honesty. Personally I think you can be an honest person and have tact. And not fling your business in the fave of every person you know. But that's me. If scorched earth was what it took for others to get their spouse to behave and to maybe let out some vengence and now they are happy. More power to you.

 

Agree 100%

 

While I do agree that the bs has every right to expose the affair, our reconciliation is suffering now because of this. It is a good thing I was isolated and alone before. I'm feeling and experiencing the full extent of his truth now. I want to think that I'm strong enough to endure the exclusion, the random spurts of venom, and the loneliness, but some days it isn't easy. I find myself wondering why he wanted to stay married to me even more often.

 

His exposure made no difference in the end of my affair.

 

Just be careful who you tell if reconciliation is being considered.

 

When I hear what has been said and what he has been saying...our reconciliation feels like a lie.

 

Exposing the A with unnecessary reasons, based on anger or vengeance...makes it so much difficult... because to the BS it means control, being vulnerable and lack of trust (of the future).

 

You exposed it to stop it? May I ask why you didn't just divorce him?

 

As for me, I didn't "expose" it but I didn't hide it either. When I filed for divorce, people had their questions, sure, and most people I answered honestly at the time. At the time, I simply said he had a girlfriend. Later, I was able to admit that there were problems before his affair, including some of my own behaviors and I would disclose those too, depending on who I was talking to.

 

My family knew and his family knew. Outside of them and our personal and shared friends, I have no idea who knew. It didn't matter to me who knew because I had no agenda. They weren't in our relationship, I wasn't trying to shame him, and I don't think that what goes on behind closed doors should be public information. Never do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily angry.

 

But lots of people do stupid things while hurt, and then you can't take them back.

 

Let me say what others decide is up to them and just because I decided different does not mean I am judging them-

 

I did not expose-I consider reconciliation a personal matter- I did not want the judgements on what others think I should do to cloud my own decisions- I did not want my husband with me out of fear-I did not need to end the A fo him- that was up to him-I gave him a free pass to do what he wanted-be with her with no hassle from me, no holding the kids over his head, no big settlement in a divorce, none of it-he could just walk away and leave me as he found me-independent and able to take care of myself-all I would have wanted was 50/50 on the kids and for him to continue to contribute to their needs (they were 14 & 18 so even thats not a huge deal)

He never wavered- he wanted to be with me and to redeem himself-he had no issue cutting it off cold although I asked that he offer to meet with her face to face- she has intruded for 16 months with very few breaks-I did disclose to her husband (after warning her I would) in an effort to reign her in-even that has not worked- we have pursued legal avenues as well-its not fun but I don't regret my decision not to expose-

 

I agree that exposing specially when things MIGHT be worked out, its a surefire way to sink a ship, maybe not right away, but its like a tumor.

 

I guess It boils down to how people react, some people explode and make a big reality show, others, sit and think, disclose to close ones or people who might help and work it out, either if its D or R.

 

My wife told everyone and publicly mistreated me so bad, I never said my side of the story, because I feared that would destroy my sons feelings...weird enough people, friends, relatives got away from her and sided with me, she got even more mad at me... so when disclosing be sure of the outcome, because you never know, maybe she tried to do that to control me, to bring me "back"...

[waterwoman]

I was ashamed. Stupid or what? I was ashamed I felt like a failure, a failure as a woman and a wife. It's taken me a long long time to change that mindset ....but that's another story.

 

So no, I didn't expose it. I told two close friend after dday. One friend because I needed her support - she was a rock! The other because I had reason to beleive she and her H already suspected and I didn't want our relationship to be awkward with them knowing and thinking I didn't. But no, I didn't publish the details on FB or anything of that sort. Makes me shudder to think of it.

 

H told his sister. And some other friends after discussions with me. But a very small select group of people who would wish us well.

 

But about 6 months later H and i were at a party with our kids and the DD of a friend came up to me, drunk as skunk, and started commiserating with me about H's affair. Horrible! It was clear at that point that rumours that were circulating around H's workplace prior to dday had spread a lot further than we thought. We learned later that one of OW's cronies in the school was spreading them for reasons no-one can quite work out. And I suspect the rumours grew in translation until they were probably a great deal more lurid than the truth. So maybe a one-off telling of the simple facts to everyone might have been a good idea. Don't know. Couldn't have coped with that after dday though

[not-so-sure]

My misunderstanding

 

 

 

Oh I feel the same way too. It was all on me too. But the exposure issue was never really considered in our situation. I think that is because my husband shares my views and did not see what gain there was to be had. His view was that it was up to me to prove I could be trusted again and I needed to do that by my actions alone, not through others distancing themselves from me.

 

I should also add that I am not so naive to think that nobody at work suspected the affair.

 

My wife asked me, who do I tell. I told her anyone she likes. But I did ask to consider whether telling a particular person was going to help her get to where she wanted to be with respect to *us*.

 

Now that I've confessed, I've nothing to hide. I'm not going to shout anything from the mountain tops, but if a work colleague is going to ask me why I no longer speak to her, I'm just going to ask them to join the dots. And if that's too confusing for them then I'll tell then our relationship was inappropriate.

[WasOtherWoman]

I took a bit of a different approach when I was a BS . I did NOT expose (mostly because I didn't want people feeling sorry for me). I did, however want to know if the affair was over or not. So, strategically, I hit him where it would get his attention.

 

So, I presented him with a quit claim for our home. Told him if he was serious about affair being over and moving forward with me to sign over the house. He complied.

[underwater2010]

I exposed to three of my girlfriends and the BH. FWH exposed himself to his cousin and BFF. It worked out for us to NOT expose to our families. My mom and sister are notorious for holding a grudge and that would have ruined family events. His parents accepted my SIL's OM with open arms, it would have meant jack to them.

 

The best thing that came out of it all was my FWH having to talk with MOW's BH. They had a hour long conversation where my husband apologized and cried. The BH got more than I ever did. And my FWH realized he was just one of many and that if the had actually followed through and had intercourse/oral sex....then he could have passed an STD to me. I think that scared the crap out of him.

[underwater2010]

I exposed to three of my girlfriends and the BH. FWH exposed himself to his cousin and BFF. It worked out for us to NOT expose to our families. My mom and sister are notorious for holding a grudge and that would have ruined family events. His parents accepted my SIL's OM with open arms, it would have meant jack to them.

 

The best thing that came out of it all was my FWH having to talk with MOW's BH. They had a hour long conversation where my husband apologized and cried. The BH got more than I ever did. And my FWH realized he was just one of many and that if the had actually followed through and had intercourse/oral sex....then he could have passed an STD to me. I think that scared the crap out of him.

 

And to clarify...I found out almost a year after the affair had ended. It was just a way to make sure that future contact did not happen. Also, he was given a choice to leave before I told the MOW's BH. I dealt with FWH first. Then proceeded.

[fellini]

In case I was unclear, I meant if the A is over and it did not happen at the workplace. Even if the A is over, then I can understand what you did, since it took place at work. However, you strategically exposed to 3 people - you didn't put a giant memo up in the break room for all to see.

 

Honestly, if I had an A with someone I was going to be seeing regularly at work, I would assume that part of my amends would be to find a new job and get my booty out of there!

 

New job is impossible. Not improbable, not undesirable, simply impossible. She only saw him regularly during the A. Now weeks go by and not a glimpse. So while my comfort zone is not great, it's better than if it had been someone much closer physically to her work life such that avoiding him would have been impossible. In that scenario, I'd probably have chosen to separate since job relocation is impossible.

 

I would have gladly exposed it to more people, but to do so would damage my WS's ability to work equally his. Besides, it was 9 months after D-day and we did what we did to achieve our goal. These three are now sufficiently aware of his views to warn off any other attempts to seduce married woman from their workplace.

[katielee]

I did something similar to what ladydesigner did. Exposed to both BS (there are two OW) and then to OW#1's employer, Mom and brother. Don't regret it at all. It's a way for the BS to get a little power back. But more importantly, it puts a dead stop to the affair. There had to be an exclamation point to the end of the affair because he works (and still does) 100 yards away from her.

 

My husband was under the influence of the affair drug and it had to stop. He just found a new drug though. and then I said I'd file when I caught him with OW2 and he was done with them.

 

Recovery has been bumpy. But not because of exposure. I wish I had exposed more widely. ANd I wish my affair had been exposed to my employer but hubby didn't want to do that.

[Owl]

On d-day, when I confronted my wife and found that OM had bought her plane tickets to go live with him (although they'd never met in person), I was devestated.

 

NOT how I thought that confrontation would go, not what I expected her to do.

 

I reached out to my family...my brothers and sisters, for emotional support. I INSISTED that she break it to the kids where she was going, and why. I reached out to my own circle of friends as well.

 

The next day, after giving this more thought, I contacted her sister in an effort to get her to talk with my wife...I had major concerns about what my wife might be setting herself up for, moving in with a man she'd never actually physically met.

 

I reached out to my wife's friends with the same concern, for the same reasons.

 

Once that specific crisis was ended (she did not get on the plane to 'be' with him), I exposed the affair to our online, in game friends. The affair started there...and I wanted them to be aware of the situation, to help me ensure that NC was in place.

 

So that was pretty much a scorched Earth exposure...there wasn't anyone left that didn't know.

 

And...it all had the results that I was after. There were far more positives that came out of exposure than negatives.

[Fluttershy]

Like I said some people are just private and some like to let it all hang out. I do think people need to have support and therefore if that is what you find in a sibling or a parent or a bff. I told a few friends my husband told his best friend. We skipped our parents because his mom is quite elderly and It seemed pointless to tattle on him to mommy. I had no desire to hurt her. And that is what it would have done. My parents would have been PITA so we skipped them. And while I love my siblings they live in different countries and are not close. The only purpose it would have served was punishment.

 

My aunt got scorched earth exposure and to this day she lives in shame and avoids our side of the family. And I don't blame her they all like to remind people that she was a whore behind people's backs. You know in a sweet nice way. Yeah, my family has issues.

 

Work place exposure would have been... Rediculous and just made me look pathetic and woe is me.

[fellini]

The next day, after giving this more thought, I contacted her sister in an effort to get her to talk with my wife...I had major concerns about what my wife might be setting herself up for, moving in with a man she'd never actually physically met.

I reached out to my wife's friends with the same concern, for the same reasons.

 

All that came of telling my WS's sisters about the A was that they used the opportunity to try to persuade her to leave the marriage. Good for you that you have a real family!

 

Now I have ZERO extended family members that I can trust, and NC with them will be more successful than my wife's NC with her AP because they work together.

[WasOtherWoman]

Like I said some people are just private and some like to let it all hang out. I do think people need to have support and therefore if that is what you find in a sibling or a parent or a bff. I told a few friends my husband told his best friend. We skipped our parents because his mom is quite elderly and It seemed pointless to tattle on him to mommy. I had no desire to hurt her. And that is what it would have done. My parents would have been PITA so we skipped them. And while I love my siblings they live in different countries and are not close. The only purpose it would have served was punishment.

 

My aunt got scorched earth exposure and to this day she lives in shame and avoids our side of the family. And I don't blame her they all like to remind people that she was a whore behind people's backs. You know in a sweet nice way. Yeah, my family has issues.

 

Work place exposure would have been... Rediculous and just made me look pathetic and woe is me.

 

I definitely feel the same way, I did not disclose either, but am a very private person who, on their worst day, has a better life than anyone I know. I didn't want people knowing.. maybe it was a pride thing.

 

But - I have also learned, after having the BS and OW thing now under my belt, people (with the exception of your VERY close friends) REALLY don't want to hear about people's marital problems. They just really don't. And, sadly, often those problems just become fodder for gossip. Who needs that?

 

This is just my humble opinion though, I do not judge anyone for how they react to these types of situations.

[Owl]

All that came of telling my WS's sisters about the A was that they used the opportunity to try to persuade her to leave the marriage. Good for you that you have a real family!

 

Now I have ZERO extended family members that I can trust, and NC with them will be more successful than my wife's NC with her AP because they work together.

 

My wife's sister was hesitant to tell my wife how she really felt at first...kinda whimped and waffled and told her "whatever you think is best"...then thought about it, called my wife back about an hour later and told her what an idiot she was being for giving up what we had. That wasn't as effective as I might have hoped...apparently my wife's sister has always been envious of our marriage, and so it just set my wife off a bit more.

 

One of my own sisters spoke with my wife a lot during that week, admitting she'd had an EA with someone she'd met...but that it didn't work out, and helped my wife to start to see that she was making some hasty and ill-thought decisions.

 

The bottom line was that my wife wasn't going to be able to hide what had been going on, nor could she continue on and act like this was some kind of mutual agreemant between us. The situation had to be dealt with one way or another...it couldn't be rug-swept.

[fellini]

My wife's sister was hesitant to tell my wife how she really felt at first...kinda whimped and waffled and told her "whatever you think is best"...then thought about it, called my wife back about an hour later and told her what an idiot she was being for giving up what we had.

 

My wife's sisters essentially took the position that if their sister had an affair, he was probably a better man, she was the victim, and I deserved to be cheated on. Throw in the 2 cents worth from the Mother and I quickly understood that I had married into an ugly, crass, and completely dysfunctional family.

[ladydesigner]

No disrespect, my response is from a place of tough love, but don't BSs want their husbands to stop the affair because they have hit a point where they will lose you or lose her?

 

This is disturbing that women get caught up in trying to parent their husbands to do the "right thing". Maybe the right thing is to tell him your expectations as let him decide. If he doesn't pick the wife, go find a man who is better than him because honey he is falling way short if he can't come up with that without our guidance!

 

Don't guide. Demand. And if demands are not met - dump him.

 

This is an interesting question! When Dday hit I kicked my WH out. I was never deadset on R. I read that exposure helps stop the A momentum and so I did the exposing. They did take the A underground and on second dday I exposed the A to MOW's BS. This is when she got kicked out and contacted my WH again for money. I VAR'ed this convo which was my last Dday and I made an appointment with a lawyer and checked myself into a hospital. My WH kept fighting for me and still seeing the MOW. It was very confusing and maddening for me. I should have left after the first Dday and separated. My coping skills were so poor after Dday I needed to be alone I think. So difficult.

[ladydesigner]

I appreciate everyone's feedback and I do see both positives and negatives to exposing and/or not exposing. It's nice to see different experiences and viewpoints here!

[ladydesigner]

You exposed it to stop it? May I ask why you didn't just divorce him?

 

As for me, I didn't "expose" it but I didn't hide it either. When I filed for divorce, people had their questions, sure, and most people I answered honestly at the time. At the time, I simply said he had a girlfriend. Later, I was able to admit that there were problems before his affair, including some of my own behaviors and I would disclose those too, depending on who I was talking to.

 

My family knew and his family knew. Outside of them and our personal and shared friends, I have no idea who knew. It didn't matter to me who knew because I had no agenda. They weren't in our relationship, I wasn't trying to shame him, and I don't think that what goes on behind closed doors should be public information. Never do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily angry.

 

I wonder this myself! My fWH has fought long and hard for me and I really put him through the ringer after Dday so for him to be here too... well we're trying . I am still in counseling and he has been in past IC to deal with the A. It's been one heck of a ride! I at least have better coping skills now and feel better equip to handle any future life unravelings.

[suckerpunch55]

For myself I wanted to tell and and sundry but being the type of person I am, private and tend to keep things to myself, I thought it pertinent to deal with it between my wife and I. Each to their own of course and I fully understand anyone one else who wishes to expose the cheating partner.

[TheBladeRunner]

I exposed mine to friends and family not so much to stop the A, but rather to let everyone know why I served her with the D papers so quick. I thought about doing it where she works as that's where the A was taking place, but at that point it would only hurt my daughter as her mom needs to make a living. Also at that point I figured he could have her, nobody wants "seconds" on that .

 

I will say that I did keep things to myself the first few days as I kicked around R, but she quickly showed me she had no remorse, that the affair was all my fault, and because I "know her", I knew she would never put in the effort to save the M.

[AmyBamy]

I would find it very hard to try to reconcile with a spouse if I thought even for a second that the only reason they stopped the affair was because I exposed it and sort of "shamed them into it". I'm not saying this is what your spouses did those who posted here but I would be really uncomfortable with that. I didn't ask my ex husband to stop the affair, I just made my decision. Granted I had been wanting to leave for a while. I guess my next question to those who exposed to force the affair to stop, do you ever worry that this is the only reason it stopped? That you manipulated the outcome in some sort of way by forcing societal shame to keep them in a line that without it they may not have chosen? (again, I'm not saying that's what is happening, but I would worry about it. I wanted my ex husband to do what he wanted to do not what he felt forced to do by me or whomever)

[Ladydrib]

I did not whip him into shape.

 

He worked on himself, and steadfastly worked to prove he was worth giving another chance, and six months later, he returned to our house, and we began reconciliation.

 

I don't control other people. I cannot whip anyone else into shape. Nor would I want to do that.

 

Well, I disagree with the implication of this post, and I was not suggesting what it's implying. True, it's not about controlling other people. However it IS about controlling your own life. You set the rules and people in our lives either follow them or get out. Other wise you are a doormat. If a man cheats again, I guess that's the tell tale sign of whether they truly took the BS seriously or not.

[Furious]

How many BS here have exposed the A? How did you expose it and how effective would you say the exposure was in stopping the A. I exposed my WH's A through emails to some pertinent friends, MOW's husband and MOW's second employer (my husband was her first as she worked 2 jobs) who was also a friend of mine. I feel it had a tremendous effect on stopping the A. I do not feel bad that I exposed the A and would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. The thought of exposing the affair was not in my radar. For a couple of weeks I pretty much isolated myself. The thing was that I had and, still have, long term close frienships and a loving family. They knew something was wrong, because I am a normally social and energetic person.

 

I confided to my sisters and one of my closest girlfriend. They rallied around me, made no judgements, just cared for and gave me support.

 

I did eventually contact the OW's husband. I felt he deserved the truth and the right to his reality. It was the hardest thing to do, but it was the right thing to do. He was very kind, and thanked me....said he would have contacted me if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

That's about it as far as exposing the affair.

 

 

Ironically, letting go, setting him free killed the affair.

[sweet_pea]

never mind

Edited May 21, 2014 by sweet_pea

[anne1707]

Clemson

 

Does that mean you tell the couples you see to expose the affair? You see my understanding of a good counsellor is one who helps you find what you need to do for yourself, not one who tells you of do. A full exposure approach will not be right for everybody or do you disagree with that?

[DasPope]

I considered our situation to be a private matter between us and by extension our counselor. I have not discussed it outside that circle.