I can't figure out why I'm not relationship material

[jonsnuh]

Perhaps I am being too hard on myself as we are all at some points in our lives, our harshest critic.

 

But when the saudade feeling of having lost my ex rises, I feel like I had everything good going and that I had screwed everything up. It was too good to be true-- I prayed to God after being infatuated with her since I laid my eyes on her. I prayed that I wanted to be with her.

 

I could deal with the longing. In the past, if I wanted any girl I thought standing out from the others was the way to a woman's heart. And that was when I wanted to be a nerd and accomplish what I could with what I wanted to do in life. But really, I had no idea. I just learned things for the sake of learning, achieved things just to show I could do it for myself and to seem attractive to girls.

 

Fast-forward to the present. I lost my first because I had no idea what I was getting into, and what to do with her. I feel like I was never good enough for her in every way, until this self-fulfilling prophecy bore fruit. She blazed ahead, leaving me behind because I had sabotaged my own happiness. It's like when I've been given the opportunity to make a relationship happen, I can't hold one together because I get whipped/tamed or I neuter/lobotomize myself. A masochist.

 

I don't get why I do this. For women I've truly loved, I gave them my heart and total selflessness. There was this girl at church who was gifted and I had a crush on, but I was in the way because I had taken the position as a pianist. I made myself think that she was unhappy, and I decided to resign so that she would take over.

 

I'm a wuss and natural doormat. What I need to tell myself is that girls don't like this type of men who falter at the woman's beckoning. There's no challenge for her, and it would make you undesirable. Quit being the nice guy.

 

In the end, it turns out I'm not the one cheating but the one cheated on. I'm not the one who ends up having the girl, but losing her to someone else.

[Frank2thepoint]

Look there is nothing wrong with being a good guy, with caring, cherishing a woman. But you definitely need to be assertive and confident. There's nothing wrong with saying "no", or disagreeing with a woman, or voicing your concern about something you don't like. I was the same with my first ex-girlfriend, because I was young and inexperienced. The fact that you are on this message board reading other people's stories, means you are empowering yourself with knowledge, learning from other's mistakes, not just your own.

 

Never think you are not good enough for the woman in your life, because that will affect your behavior, you will display a lot of insecurities, and will become a self-fulfilling prophecy (as it has for you). If you are with a woman, her physical presence of being with you, being part of your life, should be seen as a confidence boost in itself.

 

It sounds like you know very well why you may not be relationship material. You admitted to being a doormat to women, with no boundaries, and no confidence. You know very well what the problem is, so why don't you just work on being confident and not so pliable?

[regine_phalange]

Know that your selflessness is something rare to encounter on people. Consider it your blessing and your curse. It gives you great depth and maturity, and at the same time if you don't know how to handle it, it will make you appear weak. All people have a trait that is their biggest blessing and their biggest curse. Accept and understand it for what it is. Many times people think that if you appear timid then you don't have a backbone. That's not true. You have it, but you are not used in using it. It's like an X'man's superpower. You probably are so much in tune with what others feel, that you forget to show your own presence. You have to choose when to be selfless, it doesn't have to be your default mode. Don't feel bad about your natural tendency. The world would be a lot better if more people were like this.

[endlessabyss]

Are you still in love with your ex, OP?

[Strength in Healing]

Read

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

[pteromom]

Don't let the world turn you bitter, or into someone who is looking to gain the upper hand.

 

I assume you are young, and what you need to realize is that MOST young relationships fail. It's not your fault - it's the nature of young relationships.

 

Both people are new to relationships. They are both trying to figure out who they are and what they want from life. They are are trying to reconcile what they were taught by their parents with who they want to be as adults.

 

This makes for volatile conditions when it comes to intimacy, vulnerability, and commitment.

 

It sounds like you have a lot going for you. You are obviously bright. You are open to giving yourself to someone. And you obviously have the ABILITY to attract women and get into a relationship.

 

So the sticking around part may take a while longer. It's a combination of finding the right person, who is mature and sure of herself, and just the right circumstances and timing.

 

You don't want to be a doormat, but you also don't want to turn into a "taker". You want to keep your kind, giving nature, but learn to say "NO" when being asked to say, do, or be something that is against your values. This too takes time to learn. So be patient with yourself.

[jonsnuh]

Look there is nothing wrong with being a good guy, with caring, cherishing a woman. But you definitely need to be assertive and confident. There's nothing wrong with saying "no", or disagreeing with a woman, or voicing your concern about something you don't like. I was the same with my first ex-girlfriend, because I was young and inexperienced. The fact that you are on this message board reading other people's stories, means you are empowering yourself with knowledge, learning from other's mistakes, not just your own.

 

Never think you are not good enough for the woman in your life, because that will affect your behavior, you will display a lot of insecurities, and will become a self-fulfilling prophecy (as it has for you). If you are with a woman, her physical presence of being with you, being part of your life, should be seen as a confidence boost in itself.

 

It sounds like you know very well why you may not be relationship material. You admitted to being a doormat to women, with no boundaries, and no confidence. You know very well what the problem is, so why don't you just work on being confident and not so pliable?

 

I had been assertive with my views on certain things, like disagreeing with my ex and her parents when it came to some things like boundaries. She used those things against me as a reason to break up, saying that her values and beliefs didn't mesh, and that she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore.

 

I was very ambitious, had a huge ego (that my ex pointed out), which I kept tucked away because I was taught that humility is valued more. These past years have rocked my confidence and ambition-- it has taught me of my weaknesses and that sometimes relying on myself is best when whoever you had placed your trust and aspirations is confused and also full of their own success.

 

Are you still in love with your ex, OP?

 

No. Absolutely not. I am in love with someone better, and some preferred qualities my ex had. There were clear reasons why I do not love her and will not pursue her. It's not nice to say, but I wish her the very worst.

 

Every time I look back has only been as a way to learn, and I have occasionally fallen into the trap of thinking that what we had would never happen again. I know this isn't the case.

 

It sounds like you know very well why you may not be relationship material. You admitted to being a doormat to women, with no boundaries, and no confidence. You know very well what the problem is, so why don't you just work on being confident and not so pliable?

 

If anything, there are many reasons why I flawed. I'm not White, I'm not 6' tall, I'm below average in penis size, I'm going through a rough patch of figuring out my career, and my ex did a number on me. I've been trying to move on from all of this so it doesn't taint my future. In short, I've become older, senile, a cynic, and realist.

[jonsnuh]

Know that your selflessness is something rare to encounter on people. Consider it your blessing and your curse. It gives you great depth and maturity, and at the same time if you don't know how to handle it, it will make you appear weak. All people have a trait that is their biggest blessing and their biggest curse. Accept and understand it for what it is. Many times people think that if you appear timid then you don't have a backbone. That's not true. You have it, but you are not used in using it. It's like an X'man's superpower. You probably are so much in tune with what others feel, that you forget to show your own presence. You have to choose when to be selfless, it doesn't have to be your default mode. Don't feel bad about your natural tendency. The world would be a lot better if more people were like this.

 

I grew up with this sort of selflessness, and I attribute it to my parents' generosity plus fortunately having a grounded and insulated upbringing. Little did I know, I had hung out and even defended a paedophile as a child of 7 at a summer camp, there was a huge pot/drug business happening at my high school, and I had trouble understanding my friends' and ex's 'darkness' when it came to being their soundboards because I couldn't relate to it. Naivety and having felt none the wiser. This is why I value reading, and even LS so much.

 

I used to be very outgoing as a child, to the point of jumping from one restaurant table to another conversing with strangers. I don't have a thick enough of a skin to cope with failure and things that I can't understand like the irrational behaviour of people at times.

 

If there was one thing that boggled my mind was that my ex said that I had 0 empathy.

 

As I mentioned above, I've grown cynical. Many people take advantage of others' altruism because they feel entitled to it, or they just don't give a hoot or holler about it. If there's been anything that Economics taught me, it's that many people act on their own self-interest to get ahead. I should also not be willing to throw myself to save someone, because there are opportunity costs. Plus, I should never try to save someone who doesn't want to be saved, and when I can't save myself-- just like saving a drowning victim when I did my stint as a lifeguard.

 

I just feel like an underhuman when people like my ex are like the idea of the ubermensch. I just have to keep fighting to do better.

[jonsnuh]

Don't let the world turn you bitter, or into someone who is looking to gain the upper hand.

 

I assume you are young, and what you need to realize is that MOST young relationships fail. It's not your fault - it's the nature of young relationships.

 

Both people are new to relationships. They are both trying to figure out who they are and what they want from life. They are are trying to reconcile what they were taught by their parents with who they want to be as adults.

 

This makes for volatile conditions when it comes to intimacy, vulnerability, and commitment.

 

It sounds like you have a lot going for you. You are obviously bright. You are open to giving yourself to someone. And you obviously have the ABILITY to attract women and get into a relationship.

 

So the sticking around part may take a while longer. It's a combination of finding the right person, who is mature and sure of herself, and just the right circumstances and timing.

 

You don't want to be a doormat, but you also don't want to turn into a "taker". You want to keep your kind, giving nature, but learn to say "NO" when being asked to say, do, or be something that is against your values. This too takes time to learn. So be patient with yourself.

 

 

I blame myself for not backing away from my ex when I had the chance, with the fear of losing her for good like I had with the girl from church. It's ironic that my ex and I ended up burning all connections compared with the girl from church, of whom just drifted apart from me because of life's mysterious paths.

 

We had so much potential. I just wasn't ready for it and I had thought I could handle everything myself-- my education, my LDR with my ex, my depression/anxiety. I felt like Chinese circus performer dropping all my plates that I was spinning simultaneously. I didn't even have time or the thought of cheating on my ex, or fooling around with alcohol and drugs because I had my values/beliefs/code to uphold if not to myself but perhaps to a higher deity.

 

It's back to the hedgehog dilemma drawing board again. It'll be fun, and I'm more ready and let go if it comes at the cost of anything or anyone valuable to me. I had thought it was selfish to let go for my own sake. Rather, I was being stupid in believing unconditional love extending beyond that of a mother, father and a child.

[jonsnuh]

Read

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

 

This is a good book. Reading it as I type.

[jonsnuh]

Now I'm even more confused to whether she left me because she kept pushing the boundaries that I had that were similar to the Integrated man and less as the Mr. Nice Guy.

 

Originally, I was highly opinionated and could stand my ground when it came to certain things. I was my own man. But when she started complaining incessantly as if having my own views ('values and beliefs'), my ex used that against me in the breakup.

 

She's made me more confused with the breakup, and who I really am. This is why I choose not to dwell on the past and figure out what went wrong because she was hot being and cold.