My husband shoved me to the ground

[JaneSP]

First time posting, but I don't want to talk about this with my family or friends right now, and would prefer the anonymity of the internet.

 

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids ages 5 and under. I've always thought we had a wonderful marriage, we rarely fight and if we do, it's usually over trivial stuff. My husband is great with our kids and has always been loving towards all of us. Last night we had a disagreement about one aspect of our basement remodel. He called me down to ask my opinion on a tile choice, and I chose something different from what he wanted. We started arguing, and I told him to not ask me anymore because he's going to do whatever he wants anyway. Then I turned around and went into our room. He later asked me if I was going back out to check out what he's doing and I said no.

 

This morning I woke up to get my kid ready for school and he asked me again if I wanted to look at what he's doing and I said not really. Now, I recognize that I'm being unreasonably short with him at this point. I went to iron a shirt for my kid and for my husband and he told me to bring our child to school (something he usually does), so I said fine, then you can iron your own shirt, then I turned around to go into our room. Next thing I know he was behind me and he threw his shirt at me. I said excuse me?!, then he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me and yelled "why the f*** are you being so short-tempered with me lately?" I said stop, let me go, and when he didn't, I slapped him. He let go and I turned around and he knocked me behind my head (he said he just pushed, but for me, any hit on the head is offensive). At this point, I was in shock. My husband had NEVER before raised a hand on me in anger, and I started crying. I told him he crossed a line and he said I slapped him first then he grabbed me on the shoulders, pushed me against the cabinet, and shoved me to the floor. I told him I will not stand for this kind of treatment and he said i've provoked him beyond his breaking point. Then he left the room and slammed the door HARD. He went back in the room to yell at me a couple more times. The third time he went in, he said we have to sit down and talk. He said he hates that I turn my back on him when we argue. I told him I want to leave for a few days.

 

Now he just called from work asking if we can go out tonight to have dinner, leave the kids at home. I told him I don't want to be out in public, I know i'll be crying and I don't want to make a scene. I don't know what to do. My sister was in an abusive relationship, and I've always told my husband, hit me once and i'm gone. Now, I have 3 kids to think of, and I just don't know how to deal with this.

Edited May 20, 2014 by JaneSP

[carhill]

I'd suggest discussing in MC (marriage counseling) why you 'rarely fight', yet experienced this display of physical violence. Maybe some insight can be gained.

 

My bet is the focus would be on communication and interaction styles. Hard to know from one post though.

 

IMO, get right on this, and assertively, presuming you wish to continue being married and for it to remain violence-free. The earlier this work gets done, the greater chances of success. See the push as a canary. Something ain't right in the coal mine and you and H are mining it together, so necessarily you'll clear the air together.

 

Welcome to LS

[dichotomy]

10 good years of a good solid marriage and husband - nothing ever like this?

 

I am shocked and saddened.

 

You need to see a professional right away - right now.

[pink_sugar]

I agree with the above posters. Violence against men goes unnoticed quite a bit too...but it is important to note that you did engage in this violence by smacking him....even though he was out of line. I definitely think you both could benefit from MC as well. If you do go to dinner, this would be a good opportunity to bring up MC in a neutral setting.

[Mr. Lucky]

but it is important to note that you did engage in this violence by smacking him....even though he was out of line.

Absolutely.

F I said stop, let me go, and when he didn't, I slapped him. He let go and I turned around and he knocked me behind my head (he said he just pushed, but for me, any hit on the head is offensive).

OP, don't condone either of your behavior but you're part of the problem. A slap is certainly a hit on the head...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zahara]

I've always told my husband, hit me once and i'm gone. Now, I have 3 kids to think of, and I just don't know how to deal with this.

 

I believe both of you are equally at fault for physically mishandling each other. This doesn't just fall on him. You're at fault as well.

 

Seems as if you were dealing with the issue in a passive aggresive manner when he kept asking you to check out what he was doing and soon enough both of you were aggravated and it escalated. I'm not sure why you need to leave when you should be tackling the issue instead of running away from it. You seem to tend to go passive aggresive when you're angry. What happened last night you let it drag into the next day and exhibit your frustrations by retreating and being short.

 

Deal with the issue right away. If you can't be out and have dinner, get a sitter, have dinner at home and talk about it. Get it fixed. If you leave you are making it worse than it actually has to be. I also have a feeling you are wanting to leave for a few days to punish him (passive aggresive) just as he kept trying to make nice (yesterday/this morning) and have you check out what he was doing, you kept shutting him out.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Zahara

[JaneSP]

I know that's a big fault of mine, being passive-aggressive. I left the room last night because he was in a temper, my 11-month old was crawling around and almost pulled on one of his drop sheets that was under an open can of paint and my husband yelled sonofab*tch. Of course this led to her crying so I scooped her up and left.

 

With regards to the slap, that was the first time I've ever laid a hand on him in anger. You say there's no justification for it, but what was I supposed to do? He was hurting me and wouldn't let me go even after I've asked him to several times. I'm 5'2", 130 lbs and my husband is 6', 190lbs. I'm not getting away from him unless he lets me go. That being said, I know he still kept in control because he could've hurt me a lot more than just a few bruises on the arm and shoulder. I still can't believe it happened.

[lollipopspot]

then he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me and yelled "why the f*** are you being so short-tempered with me lately?" I said stop, let me go, and when he didn't, I slapped him. He let go and I turned around and he knocked me behind my head...

 

Violence against men goes unnoticed quite a bit too...but it is important to note that you did engage in this violence by smacking him....even though he was out of line.

 

Uh, no. She slapped him because he was shaking her and wasn't letting go of her. At that point it's self defense. She didn't commit some act of "violence against men" here.

[Poppygoodwill]

I know that's a big fault of mine, being passive-aggressive. I left the room last night because he was in a temper, my 11-month old was crawling around and almost pulled on one of his drop sheets that was under an open can of paint and my husband yelled sonofab*tch. Of course this led to her crying so I scooped her up and left.

 

With regards to the slap, that was the first time I've ever laid a hand on him in anger. You say there's no justification for it, but what was I supposed to do? He was hurting me and wouldn't let me go even after I've asked him to several times. I'm 5'2", 130 lbs and my husband is 6', 190lbs. I'm not getting away from him unless he lets me go. That being said, I know he still kept in control because he could've hurt me a lot more than just a few bruises on the arm and shoulder. I still can't believe it happened.

 

Funny, because it's the first time you've struck him too. The first time in your marriage that either person has lashed out physically at the other. So perhaps if you're able to step back from the fact of it, would be worth examining why now? What's been going on for both of you, or between both of you, that has caused this out of character behaviour on both your parts?

 

I don't condone violence on either side, but it is possible that being slapped - never having had it from you before - prompted an almost involuntary lashing out by him? If someone slapped me, I would swing back at them, before I had a chance to think if it was right or wrong. So perhaps his hitting you from behind should be considered a reaction to your slap, rather than a standalone event. It's all about escalation, is violence. Where it starts and where it stops sometimes being very grey area indeed.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Poppygoodwill

[Keenly]

Uh, no. She slapped him because he was shaking her and wasn't letting go of her. At that point it's self defense. She didn't commit some act of "violence against men" here.

 

They are both at fault. You Dont ever grab and shake some one and you don't ever slap some one.

[lollipopspot]

I believe both of you are equally at fault for physically mishandling each other. This doesn't just fall on him. You're at fault as well.

 

So you consider when someone is trying to get away and slaps the person who is shaking them and won't let go to be equally at fault?

 

Is there any such thing as self defense? What would that look like?

[Zahara]

With regards to the slap, that was the first time I've ever laid a hand on him in anger. You say there's no justification for it, but what was I supposed to do? He was hurting me and wouldn't let me go even after I've asked him to several times. I'm 5'2", 130 lbs and my husband is 6', 190lbs. I'm not getting away from him unless he lets me go. That being said, I know he still kept in control because he could've hurt me a lot more than just a few bruises on the arm and shoulder. I still can't believe it happened.

 

So, you thought that slapping him would make him let go and stop? If anything, it would have escalated things. There is no justification for either one of you behaving the way you did -- from start to finish. This is a good opportunity for both of you to work on how you deal with each other under these types of situation.

 

I don't condone what your husband. He should not have put his hands on you. My ex-husband used to go the passive-aggresive route with me and there were times I wanted to rip my hair out or break something because it drove my frustration level off the charts.

 

Being that this is the first time this has happened, maybe this is a good time to do some soul-searching and try to come to a solution in how you both communicate in your marriage.

[Turtles]

So you consider when someone is trying to get away and slaps the person who is shaking them and won't let go to be equally at fault?

 

Is there any such thing as self defense? What would that look like?

 

There is a big difference between "self defense" and "effectively defusing the situation". They both participated in escalating violence instead of interrupting it.

 

I don't see a slap as ever being "self defense". It is an offensive move and does not in any way incapacitate the attacker. You are much more likely to infuriate him/her and put yourself further in harm's way (which is what happened here). It's very obvious to me from the description of the incident (including the behavior of the previous days) she was not acting out of fear, but out of anger. Admitting that is a first step, and I would think there must be some underlying cause for that anger beyond a choice of tile.

[lollipopspot]

So, you thought that slapping him would make him let go and stop?

 

If someone is holding me and shaking me and won't respond to me telling them to stop, a slap is the lightest thing they're going to get. They're lucky they don't get a knee to the groin or if I'm really threatened, then get their eyes jabbed.

 

What would self defense look like to you?

[Zahara]

So you consider when someone is trying to get away and slaps the person who is shaking them and won't let go to be equally at fault?

 

Is there any such thing as self defense? What would that look like?

 

Really? I won't even bother with this.

[pteromom]

then he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me and yelled "why the f*** are you being so short-tempered with me lately?" I said stop, let me go, and when he didn't, I slapped him. He let go

 

I agree with lolli... she slapped him in self-defense. And it worked, sort of... he let go. Unfortunately he continued the violent behavior after he let go.

 

You need to get into counseling NOW. Call 5-6 therapists and make an appointment with one you feel the most connected with. Today.

 

No need to decide what to do until you see how counseling goes.

 

You both obviously need some help.

[Keenly]

If someone is holding me and shaking me and won't respond to me telling them to stop, a slap is the lightest thing they're going to get. They're lucky they don't get a knee to the groin or if I'm really threatened, then get their eyes jabbed.

 

What would self defense look like to you?

 

You can call it something else, Its still violence.

 

 

You don't point to bad behavior to justify bad behavior.

[lollipopspot]

You can call it something else, Its still violence.

 

 

You don't point to bad behavior to justify bad behavior.

 

 

When someone (especially someone stronger than you) has got your body and is shaking you, and not responding to your verbal demands to let go, it's not "bad behavior" to slap them to try to get them to let go. It's self defense.

 

If he had let go and THEN she slapped him, that would be violence. But that's not what happened.

[pteromom]

You can call it something else, Its still violence.

 

 

You don't point to bad behavior to justify bad behavior.

 

I agree it was probably not the best option, but she was desperate for him to let her go.

 

That neither of them have a history of violence in many years of marriage is a good sign though and I hope that they can work through it.

[Keenly]

When someone (especially someone stronger than you) has got your body and is shaking you, and not responding to your verbal demands to let go, it's not "bad behavior" to slap them to try to get them to let go. It's self defense.

 

If he had let go and THEN she slapped him, that would be violence. But that's not what happened.

 

One person striking another is violence. Regardless of the circumstances. If some one walks up to me and punches me in the face and I punch them back, I participated in violence.

 

 

He shouldn't have acted like a child. She shouldn't have hit him. They are both wrong. He initiated, she responded in kind. They both have things they need to work. Seems like she is willing. Is he?

[pteromom]

If some one walks up to me and punches me in the face and I punch them back, I participated in violence.

 

If someone walks up to you, holds your shoulders, and starts shaking you, and you slap them to get them to let you go, you would define it as "violence"?

 

I wouldn't.

 

IMO, violence requires intent to gain power over someone. She wasn't trying to gain power - simply to get him off her.

[lollipopspot]

One person striking another is violence. Regardless of the circumstances. If some one walks up to me and punches me in the face and I punch them back, I participated in violence.

 

 

He shouldn't have acted like a child. She shouldn't have hit him. They are both wrong. He initiated, she responded in kind. They both have things they need to work. Seems like she is willing. Is he?

 

If someone is holding you and shaking you, that is not the equivalent of one person punching someone, and that other person punching back, if that second person can just walk away.

 

He was actively holding her and shaking her. At that point a physical push-back is self defense. When he did let go, she tried to walk away. Then he hit her in the head.

[Babolat]

One person striking another is violence. Regardless of the circumstances. If some one walks up to me and punches me in the face and I punch them back, I participated in violence.

 

 

He shouldn't have acted like a child. She shouldn't have hit him. They are both wrong. He initiated, she responded in kind. They both have things they need to work. Seems like she is willing. Is he?

I am with the OP on this one. She asked him to let go, he would not. In her mind the best thing to do was to slap him. Yes, call it violence, call it whatever you want, she had to do something in her mind to "snap him out of it" and my best guess is she was very scared.

 

What else should she have done? I'm curious to hear what other woman would have done...she had to do something.

 

OP, you need to take a Pause and go get some counseling now, if you want to stay in the marriage. The fact the he came after you even after you slapped him is very concerning. He had time at that point to think; it was not a reaction.

 

My concern is for you and the kids who must have heard this, and maybe even saw it.

[Babolat]

If someone is holding you and shaking you, that is not the equivalent of one person punching someone, and that other person punching back, if that second person can just walk away.

 

He was actively holding her and shaking her. At that point a physical push-back is self defense. When he did let go, she tried to walk away. Then he hit her in the head.

I agree, she was being held against her own will be a much stronger person. He ignored her requests to let go. No, means No, right?

 

His returning for more is very concerning.

 

OP don't think about the 10 years up to now, think about now and the future, what can he do next? It's starts somehwere, it has started.

[pteromom]

I am with the OP on this one. She asked him to let go, he would not. In her mind the best thing to do was to slap him. Yes, call it violence, call it whatever you want, she had to do something in her mind to "snap him out of it" and my best guess is she was very scared.

 

What else should she have done? I'm curious to hear what other woman would have done...she had to do something.

 

 

It's difficult to know without being in the situation. In IMAGINING it, I would imagine that I would be terrified of the way he was acting and scared to escalate it, and I think I would scream very very loudly. But you never know.

 

When I was younger, I had a boyfriend push me in anger, and I pushed him back. Right into the bathtub. Then walked out and never looked back. If you wanna call that violence, I can accept that. The important thing is I got away from someone who would put his hands on me in anger. However, this situation is much different considering their history and years of non-violent behavior.