My husband shoved me to the ground

[snappytomcat]

I wouldn't allow myself to be choked out that's for sure,i would have did anything in my power to get him to let me go,if that's called violence so be it.

 

 

do you feel its violence also if some random person started chocking you,and you smacked,or kicked anything to get him to let go,i don't think so,i hate any kind of violence.but defending yourself any means possible if your are being hurt,is not violence,its survival

[Zahara]

IMO, violence requires intent to gain power over someone. She wasn't trying to gain power - simply to get him off her.

 

If someone is grabbing me by the shoulders, by first reaction would be to push him off if I wanted him to release me. And the last thing you do when someone is physically handling you is to retaliate in kind. You only escalate the situation. And no, her husband was not choking her, beating her, punching her -- he was grabbing her arms.

 

Having lived with a physically abusive father, the last thing you do is fight fire with fire. It doesn't make it stop, it only escalates it.

 

Her/his anger was brewing from the night before. They both reacted from anger. This wasn't about gaining power but two people aggravated and reacting impulsively towards each other.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Zahara

[pteromom]

If someone is grabbing me by the shoulders, by first reaction would be to push him off if I wanted him to release me.

 

What if you aren't strong enough to push him off?

 

And the last thing you do when someone is physically handling you is to retaliate in kind. You only escalate the situation.

 

You know that, but if the OP has never been in an abusive situation before, she may not. And she certainly wasn't in the mindset of thinking things through logically while she was being shaken.

 

Her/his anger was brewing from the night before. They both reacted from anger. This wasn't about gaining power but two people aggravated and reacting impulsively towards each other.

 

No doubt that she was angry. But I don't believe that she was fueled by anger while she was being held and shaken. Probably more like terrified and confused and doing whatever she instinctively thought of to do.

 

But this has gone astray, as we are now speculating about what she was feeling when she slapped him.

[pink_sugar]

If someone is grabbing me by the shoulders, by first reaction would be to push him off if I wanted him to release me. And the last thing you do when someone is physically handling you is to retaliate in kind. You only escalate the situation. And no, her husband was not choking her, beating her, punching her -- he was grabbing her arms.

 

Having lived with a physically abusive father, the last thing you do is fight fire with fire. It doesn't make it stop, it only escalates it.

 

Her/his anger was brewing from the night before. They both reacted from anger. This wasn't about gaining power but two people aggravated and reacting impulsively towards each other.

 

^^^^^^^This!

[janedoe67]

By all means, refrain from slapping someone who won't let go and stop shaking you (heaven forbid you panic instead of asking sweetly).

 

Beyond that, make it clear that if he touches you again, you will immediately call 911.

[Zahara]

What if you aren't strong enough to push him off?

 

You know that, but if the OP has never been in an abusive situation before, she may not. And she certainly wasn't in the mindset of thinking things through logically while she was being shaken.

 

No doubt that she was angry. But I don't believe that she was fueled by anger while she was being held and shaken. Probably more like terrified and confused and doing whatever she instinctively thought of to do.

 

But this has gone astray, as we are now speculating about what she was feeling when she slapped him.

 

And if you aren't strong enough to push him off, why would to think that slapping a man twice your size is going to have a better effect in diffusing the situation?

 

This was her husband. No history of violence.

 

She herself said that by that morning she realized that she shouldn't have still been pushing her attitude with him. Yes, she was still irritated and harboring animosity. He got frustrated. When he was shaking her and asking her why she's behaving that way, she should have diffused it by calming the situation down. I'm sure if he got her to respond, he would have backed off. His level of frustration was probably off the charts in dealing with her passive aggresive behavior.

 

And just because slapping him was the only way she knew how to deal with the situation, doesn't make it right.

 

I've said this before, both of them are in the wrong for how they handled this -- START TO FINISH.

 

Since this is a one time incident, hopefully they can work on this and find better ways to communicate in their marriage.

[2sunny]

You've stated your boundary... Why are you changing it?

 

He shouldn't be allowed near you until he learns that his behavior is unacceptable.

 

His offer out tonight is his hopes that you will overlook what he did!

 

I don't care if he's never allowed access to his project in the basement... He should stay elsewhere with the way he's treated you...otherwise he's just going to get the idea you're ok with it.

 

Consequences for bad behavior are in order. He can get scared so he will be motivated to change his behavior.

[Keenly]

You've stated your boundary... Why are you changing it?

 

He shouldn't be allowed near you until he learns that his behavior is unacceptable.

 

His offer out tonight is his hopes that you will overlook what he did!

 

I don't care if he's never allowed access to his project in the basement... He should stay elsewhere with the way he's treated you...otherwise he's just going to get the idea you're ok with it.

 

Consequences for bad behavior are in order. He can get scared so he will be motivated to change his behavior.

 

You can't really banish a man from his own house though. If she wants to be away from him she's going to have to be the one to go elsewhere.

 

I really think this is an issue that can be mutually resolved and moved past, if both parties are willing.

[lollipopspot]

When he was shaking her and asking her why she's behaving that way, she should have diffused it by calming the situation down. I'm sure if he got her to respond, he would have backed off. His level of frustration was probably off the charts in dealing with her passive aggresive behavior.

 

Your attitude towards this guy's getting physical with his wife is very disturbing.

 

You say you lived with a violent father. What did your mother do to cause it and what should she have done differently to stop it?

[lollipopspot]

You can't really banish a man from his own house though.

 

If he gets physically aggressive with his wife you can.

[Keenly]

If he gets physically aggressive with his wife you can.

 

That's nice, but for right now he still lives there. Are we going to focus more on punishing the man or are we going to focus on fixing the underlying problems so that their relationship can continue as it was before this event?

[Zahara]

Your attitude towards this guy's getting physical with his wife is very disturbing.

 

You say you lived with a violent father. What did your mother do to cause it and what should she have done differently to stop it?

 

I've never condoned what this man doing to the OP was right. This is what you aren't getting. Both of them were feeding off each other's behaviors from the night before to the morning after. If I'm here saying that he did nothing wrong by doing what he did, then you can get disturbed.

 

I'm not going to go into my father's abuse as it's vastly different when you're dealing with someone that has a history of violence.

 

This situation with OP is fixable. There is no history. This was a situation that got out of hand due to two people unable to communicate their frustrations, and issues with each other and allowing it to escalate.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Zahara

[lollipopspot]

That's nice, but for right now he still lives there. Are we going to focus more on punishing the man or are we going to focus on fixing the underlying problems so that their relationship can continue as it was before this event?

 

"Fixing the problem" may be making a firm line that you are not to lay your hands on your partner or you cannot be in the house until it is dealt with.

 

Violence in a marriage has a starting point, and this is the point where it needs to be made clear that there is no tolerance.

[pteromom]

I'm sure if he got her to respond, he would have backed off. His level of frustration was probably off the charts in dealing with her passive aggresive behavior.

 

Really? You are sure?

 

Honestly, you can only speculate what he was feeling and thinking based on her side of the story. You have no idea what he would have done if she had acted differently. Hell, maybe her slap woke him up and if she hadn't slapped him, he would have started wailing on her and killed her.

 

Can't say, since his actions were already out of character for him.

 

And just because slapping him was the only way she knew how to deal with the situation, doesn't make it right.

 

OK.

 

I've said this before, both of them are in the wrong for how they handled this -- START TO FINISH.

 

Maybe, maybe not. But no matter what she did, he did not have the right to become physically aggressive with her.

 

Since this is a one time incident, hopefully they can work on this and find better ways to communicate in their marriage.

 

THAT, I agree with.

 

Obviously, the OP needs to work on some stuff too, but the husband's physical attack is the #1 priority right now. It's not the ONLY issue, but it's the top priority issue.

[pteromom]

That's nice, but for right now he still lives there. Are we going to focus more on punishing the man or are we going to focus on fixing the underlying problems so that their relationship can continue as it was before this event?

 

Everything isn't about men vs. women.

 

We have this guy, who has never shown any violent behavior before, who is suddenly violent.

 

The top priority is keeping the rest of the family safe. If keeping him out of the home is the best way to do that, so be it.

 

And he should actually agree. He should be very concerned with his behavior and should be wanting to find help.

[Zahara]

Really? You are sure?

 

Honestly, you can only speculate what he was feeling and thinking based on her side of the story. You have no idea what he would have done if she had acted differently. Hell, maybe her slap woke him up and if she hadn't slapped him, he would have started wailing on her and killed her.

 

Can't say, since his actions were already out of character for him.

 

OK.

 

Maybe, maybe not. But no matter what she did, he did not have the right to become physically aggressive with her.

 

THAT, I agree with.

 

Obviously, the OP needs to work on some stuff too, but the husband's physical attack is the #1 priority right now. It's not the ONLY issue, but it's the top priority issue.

 

This thread can easily morph into something like Tunrpike's. I'll succumb to agree to disagree.

 

They both need to work on their issues.

 

OP, hopefully you get this resolved with your husband, the sooner the better.

 

Good luck to you.

[pteromom]

His level of frustration was probably off the charts in dealing with her passive aggresive behavior.

 

You do realize, don't you, that this line is exactly what abusers say to their victims (not saying that the husband in this thread is an abuser, since he has no history of such.)

 

But the whole "your behavior MADE ME hit you" "why do you provoke me when you know what will happen" BS is exactly what abusers say.

[Zahara]

You do realize, don't you, that this line is exactly what abusers say to their victims (not saying that the husband in this thread is an abuser, since he has no history of such.)

 

But the whole "your behavior MADE ME hit you" "why do you provoke me when you know what will happen" BS is exactly what abusers say.

 

I said that in support of how it would have helped her diffuse the situation for herself -- as in calming him/the situation versus retaliating with a slap.

 

I didn't say that in terms of she caused him to react and she deserved it.

 

Let me make that clear.

[Grumpybutfun]

I don't know what to do. My sister was in an abusive relationship, and I've always told my husband, hit me once and i'm gone. Now, I have 3 kids to think of, and I just don't know how to deal with this.

 

 

 

You made a boundary and he crossed it by holding you down, shaking then hitting you...ask him to leave. You must stay in your home for your children's sake. If he understands the gravity of the situation, he needs anger management counseling and to feel the consequences of his actions. You could have been seriously injured...head slaps or punches can lead to concussions, blindness, fractures, spinal cord injuries, etc. As I have said before, my wife works with domestic violence survivors and due to physical violence to the head many are living with migraines, paralyzation and vertigo/double vision. This isn't some small trivial matter.

I have No tolerance for abuse and whether or not you slapping him is considered violence, it was certainly self defense. I am married to a small woman and I know to never restrain her or try to control her physically as that is scary for her. I don't think some men here realize how big a 6' 190 lb man seems to a little 5'2 130 lb. woman. This isn't about gender, but about him trying to physically manipulate her into doing what he wanted and her trying to free herself in a panic against a situation. If you make this about gender, you fail to see that this is about first strike, and restraint and shaking is violent and considered physical abuse by almost any law enforcement out there.

After he gets his head on straight, if he is remorseful and participates in some sort of counseling for anger, you both need to atend marriage counseling to learn how to recommunicate if you so choose, but I would not rug sweep physical violence for the sake of trying to make peace.

Best,

Grumps

[2sunny]

Jane... Are you here? You ok?

[pteromom]

I said that in support of how it would have helped her diffuse the situation for herself -- as in calming him/the situation versus retaliating with a slap.

 

I didn't say that in terms of she caused him to react and she deserved it.

 

Let me make that clear.

 

Thanks for clearing that up!

[lollipopspot]

I said that in support of how it would have helped her diffuse the situation for herself -- as in calming him/the situation versus retaliating with a slap.

 

I didn't say that in terms of she caused him to react and she deserved it.

 

Let me make that clear.

 

So as he's holding her and shaking her she's going to be - what? - apologizing for being passive aggressive? How is she supposed to diffuse the situation in that moment? What exactly do you say to get the guy who is holding you and shaking you to let you go, once you've told him to let you go and he won't? It's not a reasonable situation.

[Zahara]

So as he's holding her and shaking her she's going to be - what? - apologizing for being passive aggressive? How is she supposed to diffuse the situation in that moment? What exactly do you say to get the guy who is holding you and shaking you to let you go, once you've told him to let you go and he won't? It's not a reasonable situation.

 

Lollispot, I'm not going to go back and forth with you. I've said my piece and if you can't agree or see any of my perspective, then we will agree to disagree. We both see differently in how we would approach a situation.

 

I'm not going to battle this out till we reach page 24 and we're still picking at who's right and wrong. The OP will pick what advice helps her and she'll discard what she doesn't need.

[lollipopspot]

Lollispot, I'm not going to go back and forth with you. I've said my piece and if you can't agree or see any of my perspective, then we will agree to disagree. We both see differently in how we would approach a situation.

 

I'm not going to battle this out till we reach page 24 and we're still picking at who's right and wrong. The OP will pick what advice helps her and she'll discard what she doesn't need.

 

You don't have to respond. But if you say something that makes no sense to me (the post of yours I just quoted) or that seems otherwise problematic to me, I will respond. What you choose to do with my response is up to you. You have responded twice now to me by telling me that you will not respond to me.

[Zahara]

You don't have to respond. But if you say something that makes no sense to me (the post of yours I just quoted) or that seems otherwise problematic to me, I will respond. What you choose to do with my response is up to you. You have responded twice now to me by telling me that you will not respond to me.

 

In her first post, she said that he grabbed her and was shaking her, frustrated wanting to know why she was being so short tempered with him these past few days. The way to diffuse that and knowing that all he wants is probably an answer, a response, a reaction, a sign of life from her -- as to why she was behaving that way, albeit going about it the wrong way, she could have just told him to calm down, even if it took her more than once, tell him that she's upset and that she wants to talk about it. Do all that first before resorting to a slap.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Zahara