My husband shoved me to the ground

[JaneSP]

I don't know what I was thinking, I just knew my kids were having breakfast in the kitchen and the last thing I want is for them to hear us and come running to our room. The weird thing is, my husbands parents are currently staying with us for a 2-week visit and they heard us. I always thought of my husband as a very private person who'd hate for his family to know we're fighting.

 

The thing is, as grumpybutfun wrote, I did make a boundary, one that he knew about even way back when we started dating 12 years ago. I thought that was clear and unshakable but now that I'm in this situation, I don't know if I'm able to follow through. I have 3 kids to think of, and we've always been happy prior to these past few days. But then if I don't follow through, what happens if there's a second time?

[lollipopspot]

In her first post, she said that he grabbed her and was shaking her, frustrated wanting to know why she was being so short tempered with him these past few days. The way to diffuse that and knowing that all he wants is probably an answer, a response, a reaction, a sign of life from her -- as to why she was behaving that way, albeit going about it the wrong way, she could have just told him to calm down, even if it took her more than once, tell him that she's upset and that she wants to talk about it. Do all that first before resorting to a slap.

 

She told him to stop and let her go and he didn't.

 

I have no idea at all whether pleading with him to calm down and telling him that she's upset and wants to talk about it would work when someone is holding her and shaking her. You don't either. Depending on the energy with which I was being held and shaken, and my fear of being more seriously hurt - which I would have, being angrily held and shaken by someone who outweighed me by 60 pounds - I don't know that I would try all these different verbal strategies, rather than just trying to get away, whatever it took. I don't know that she should have done what you are suggesting, and if she did if she would be in a worse situation right now.

 

Next thing I know he was behind me and he threw his shirt at me. I said excuse me?!, then he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me and yelled "why the f*** are you being so short-tempered with me lately?" I said stop, let me go, and when he didn't, I slapped him. He let go and I turned around and he knocked me behind my head (he said he just pushed, but for me, any hit on the head is offensive). At this point, I was in shock.

[Grumpybutfun]

In her first post, she said that he grabbed her and was shaking her, frustrated wanting to know why she was being so short tempered with him these past few days. The way to diffuse that and knowing that all he wants is probably an answer, a response, a reaction, a sign of life from her -- as to why she was behaving that way, albeit going about it the wrong way, she could have just told him to calm down, even if it took her more than once, tell him that she's upset and that she wants to talk about it. Do all that first before resorting to a slap.

 

In a domestic violence situation, your first instinct or priority if you are significantly smaller than your attacker is to remove yourself by any means necessary from a situation. You do not try to placate or discuss while someone is shaking the stuffing out of you and yelling, manhandling. You obviously have never been in a situation like this one. Extricate yourself from harm...that is what your instincts are, not discuss and placate a large man who seems to be out of control. One shake, one snap more and he could break your neck. Please enroll yourself in some self defense courses as you seem to have no idea what this entails. You are seriously misunderstanding the gravity of this mans actions.

Best,

Grumps

[pteromom]

I did make a boundary, one that he knew about even way back when we started dating 12 years ago. I thought that was clear and unshakable but now that I'm in this situation, I don't know if I'm able to follow through. I have 3 kids to think of, and we've always been happy prior to these past few days. But then if I don't follow through, what happens if there's a second time?

 

Exactly. You must follow through.

 

But following through doesn't mean it's the end of your marriage.

 

Following through just means you need assurance that this won't happen again. Demand therapy for both of you, individually and joint.

 

You are an adult. Following through doesn't mean you stomp off into the sunset. It means you work to resolve the problem, rather than just sweeping it under the rug and hoping for the best.

[Grumpybutfun]

I don't know what I was thinking, I just knew my kids were having breakfast in the kitchen and the last thing I want is for them to hear us and come running to our room. The weird thing is, my husbands parents are currently staying with us for a 2-week visit and they heard us. I always thought of my husband as a very private person who'd hate for his family to know we're fighting.

 

The thing is, as grumpybutfun wrote, I did make a boundary, one that he knew about even way back when we started dating 12 years ago. I thought that was clear and unshakable but now that I'm in this situation, I don't know if I'm able to follow through. I have 3 kids to think of, and we've always been happy prior to these past few days. But then if I don't follow through, what happens if there's a second time?

 

 

It continues to be the same situation over and over. No woman in a domestic violence situation ever thinks there will be a next time. Even ones who have been living with this for years believes this is the last time each time he says it. Some men don't actually become violent offenders until ten years or twenty years even into their marriage. He needs to leave, you need to get support from your family and friends and a battered women's support group now. Yes, you have kids to protect. Men who batter their wives can certainly start to abuse their children after the fact...if he thinks you not wanting to discuss remodeling issues with him is stressful, wait until your kids are preteens and teens. This has to be handled and stopped now. You let him by with this boundary and nothing you ever say again will have any impact on what he does because he knows you will fold on it.

I know this is hard, and I am not trying to minimize your struggles or pain. However, if you enforce this there is hope for reconciliation and him getting help right away. If you don't, there is only room for him to react to any situation with violence and for you to live in fear of him.

So sorry,

Grumps

[Zahara]

In a domestic violence situation, your first instinct or priority if you are significantly smaller than your attacker is to remove yourself by any means necessary from a situation. You do not try to placate or discuss while someone is shaking the stuffing out of you and yelling, manhandling. You obviously have never been in a situation like this one. Extricate yourself from harm...that is what your instincts are, not discuss and placate a large man who seems to be out of control. One shake, one snap more and he could break your neck. Please enroll yourself in some self defense courses as you seem to have no idea what this entails. You are seriously misunderstanding the gravity of this mans actions.

Best,

Grumps

 

Grumps, I've been in a situation where a man has broken my nose. So, yes. I do know what it feels like to be cornered and what it feels like to be attacked. I've experienced violence from an abusive father.

 

I'm not going to defend myself here anymore as this is a losing battle.

 

I will stand by my position in that both OP and her husband were wrong in how they handled the situation from START TO FINISH. I don't condone his actions and neither do I condone hers. I will stand by my perspective as to how I would have handled myself if I were in the OP's position.

[lollipopspot]

Grumps, I've been in a situation where a man has broken my nose. So, yes. I do know what it feels like to be cornered and what it feels like to be attacked...

 

I will stand by my perspective as to how I would have handled myself if I were in the OP's position.

 

Well then whatever way you had been handling yourself wasn't very effective.

 

Take it from someone who has not had their nose or any other body part broken by a man.

[Smilecharmer]

Well then whatever way you had been handling yourself wasn't very effective.

 

Take it from someone who has not had their nose or any other body part broken by a man.

 

 

In Zaharas defense, this is how abuse victims see things...it is always something to do with the one being attacked. If they weren't somehow provoking it, it wouldn't happen. We share blame and our only recourse is to get really small and hid or try to reason. As a survivor of child abuse, I have learned through years of therapy that we have a skewed view of abuse.

 

OP, I'm so sorry this happened or you. Please get some support from your family. He needs to get help ASAP. This is not ok.

[Zahara]

Well then whatever way you had been handling yourself wasn't very effective.

 

Take it from someone who has not had their nose or any other body part broken by a man.

 

My father broke my nose. I was 13. I don't appreciate your unkind post. Get your facts straight before you spout off.

 

I've never accepted abuse from any man since I have left home. My response to the OP is based on how I would have tried to diffuse the situation first before retaliating physically. I have my opinion. If you don't agree, then that's fine.

[Zahara]

In Zaharas defense, this is how abuse victims see things...it is always something to do with the one being attacked. If they weren't somehow provoking it, it wouldn't happen. We share blame and our only recourse is to get really small and hid or try to reason. As a survivor of child abuse, I have learned through years of therapy that we have a skewed view of abuse.

 

OP, I'm so sorry this happened or you. Please get some support from your family. He needs to get help ASAP. This is not ok.

 

This is not what I am trying to say. I'm not saying she should have tried to reason or cower away like a victim. I'm saying that before you resort to getting physical, there are other ways to diffuse a seemingly volatile situation. Going by your perspective, I do not need to be defended because that is not the message I'm relaying.

 

And...I'm done!

Edited May 20, 2014 by Zahara

[lollipopspot]

My father broke my nose. I was 13. I don't appreciate your unkind post. Get your facts straight before you spout off.

 

I've never accepted abuse from any man since I have left home. My response to the OP is based on how I would have tried to diffuse the situation first before retaliating physically. I have my opinion. If you don't agree, then that's fine.

 

I am not trying to be unkind to you and I apologize if you feel hurt or offended by my post. It may have been too glib but I stand by the point that verbal diffusion - apologizing? pleading? what is it she should say? - in the face of someone holding and shaking you and refusing to let go is a somewhat questionable admonishment about what she "should have" done.

 

I am trying to be helpful to OP, who needs our help right now, and what I perceive to be minimizing, your ideas of diffusion, and victim blaming seems less than helpful.

[William]

Folks, instead of getting bogged down in semantics and cross-talk, let's focus on this update:

 

"I did make a boundary, one that he knew about even way back when we started dating 12 years ago. I thought that was clear and unshakable but now that I'm in this situation, I don't know if I'm able to follow through. I have 3 kids to think of, and we've always been happy prior to these past few days. But then if I don't follow through, what happens if there's a second time?"

 

And assist the thread starter in working through this. Remember to post to engage rather than to preach. Thanks!

[Smilecharmer]

We have boundaries in place for a reason. If they are trod over and nothing happens, not only your boundaries but your words no longer mean anything. I think grumps said some pretty spot on things about what you could do so I won't talk about that but I do encourage you to get some books on domestic violence. It might help you to see how things progress in situations like this. Not all domestic violence situations are full blown beatings, it happens gradually out of the blue after years of stability and calm in some situations.

[mrs rubble]

I don't know what I was thinking, I just knew my kids were having breakfast in the kitchen and the last thing I want is for them to hear us and come running to our room. The weird thing is, my husbands parents are currently staying with us for a 2-week visit and they heard us. I always thought of my husband as a very private person who'd hate for his family to know we're fighting.

 

The thing is, as grumpybutfun wrote, I did make a boundary, one that he knew about even way back when we started dating 12 years ago. I thought that was clear and unshakable but now that I'm in this situation, I don't know if I'm able to follow through. I have 3 kids to think of, and we've always been happy prior to these past few days. But then if I don't follow through, what happens if there's a second time?

You are very right to be concerned for your children being caught up in this....believe me if there's a chance it'll happen again, you really do need to remove the children from the situation.

I've been in 2 abusive relationship's, and I never got 12 years of non-violence before they lashed out. So I'd guess, your husband isn't naturally a viloent person, he's just frustrated and tired probably. You have 3 small children, family visiting and home remodelling all happening. Something is bound to give!!!

Talk, talk, talk. Sort this out, let the in-laws baby-sit while you take time together to work through this. Be very clear to him that you are very serious about not being in a violent relationship and there will be NO other chances.

[pink_sugar]

It sounds like you and your H can work through this if delt with now rather than later. My husband and I have both been verbally/physically abusive to one another in the past. We stopped that cycle and if things get too heated, we take a break and discuss the subject later when we're both calm. Try not to give your H the silent treatment and choose a time when you're calm enough to discuss the issue. Letting it boil up inside you isn't the way to go.

[2sunny]

So knowing that he crossed your boundary and his parents know too - they will all understand why he needs to stay away from the house and you until you decide that he's earned your trust back.

 

If you don't feel safe and protected - don't see him!

 

What did his parents say after he left?

[2sunny]

You are very right to be concerned for your children being caught up in this....believe me if there's a chance it'll happen again, you really do need to remove the children from the situation.

I've been in 2 abusive relationship's, and I never got 12 years of non-violence before they lashed out. So I'd guess, your husband isn't naturally a viloent person, he's just frustrated and tired probably. You have 3 small children, family visiting and home remodelling all happening. Something is bound to give!!!

Talk, talk, talk. Sort this out, let the in-laws baby-sit while you take time together to work through this. Be very clear to him that you are very serious about not being in a violent relationship and there will be NO other chances.

 

A talk does not fix this problem.

 

It's not something that talk fixes. Her husband needs help and it may be a long while before she believes any words he says.

[mrs rubble]

A talk does not fix this problem.

 

It's not something that talk fixes. Her husband needs help and it may be a long while before she believes any words he says.

Actually talking is where it starts.....that's how you address the problem.

Maybe you work by telepathy in your house?

[Eivuwan]

If this is really the first time this happen, I agree with those who advise to go into marriage counseling asap. I do not believe that your 10 years of marriage is really that great if it led to this behavior. It seems that there were very few fights because everything keeps getting swept under the rugs and it finally exploded. There are clearly communication problems on both sides that you have to work on. OP, I suggest you talk to your husband in a place where you feel safe and see where it goes from here. I understand that you want time to cool down, but it might escalate the situation because to your husband this is just another example of you turning your back on him when there is conflict. However, your husband really did cross the line and he needs to be aware of how bad the situation is. So talk to him and let us know what happened.

[carhill]

OP, based on your circumstances now, and the feedback you received, if you were to take one positive action today to address this, what would it be? It doesn't have to be a monumental action, just one step in the direction you want to go, presumably towards a healthier and violence-free M. Any thoughts on that?

[MissBee]

When someone (especially someone stronger than you) has got your body and is shaking you, and not responding to your verbal demands to let go, it's not "bad behavior" to slap them to try to get them to let go. It's self defense.

 

If he had let go and THEN she slapped him, that would be violence. But that's not what happened.

 

Riight!

 

I'm like what planet is this...someone is shaking you and won't let you go after you've asked them to stop...so you slap them and hope it disarms them so they let you go, and you're wrong?! What should you do? Just stand there and take it??? I mean exactly what should you do at that point? I'm legitimately asking for the PRACTICAL solution to those who seem to think the OP is at fault....if you were being shaken by your spouse who is bigger and stronger most likely and you're asking him to stop and he doesn't....what next?

 

Should you just stand there like a rag doll and be shaken and keep asking to be let go, when is defending yourself part of it....???

 

But ditto to carhill's suggestion. Your husband seems to have anger issues, even in how he responded to your baby pulling the cloth. I don't think all abusive behavior or physical violence starts on day one and it is possible that now could be the start of continued physical abuse if not checked, likewise you all may think you have a "wonderful marriage" but obviously you have things to work on as one simply doesn't go from "wonderful" to pushing and shoving over night and worse with him seeming like he wants to gloss it over by going to dinner instead of being remorseful and embarrassed by his actions.

[MissBee]

In a domestic violence situation, your first instinct or priority if you are significantly smaller than your attacker is to remove yourself by any means necessary from a situation. You do not try to placate or discuss while someone is shaking the stuffing out of you and yelling, manhandling. You obviously have never been in a situation like this one. Extricate yourself from harm...that is what your instincts are, not discuss and placate a large man who seems to be out of control. One shake, one snap more and he could break your neck. Please enroll yourself in some self defense courses as you seem to have no idea what this entails. You are seriously misunderstanding the gravity of this mans actions.

Best,

Grumps

 

Ditto.

 

I took the Rape Aggression Defense (RAD) course with the police department at my university, a self defense course, and they focused a section on if your partner is the one who is the aggressor and how to handle it emotionally and physically ---- GET AWAY BY ANY MEANS! Was what they drove home, in no part of it did they encourage trying to "talk about it" or to just take it and wait for them to stop on their own or any such thing while the violence is currently happening.

[beach]

Actually talking is where it starts.....that's how you address the problem.

Maybe you work by telepathy in your house?

 

Not alone with him!

 

Especially if she doesn't feel safe while in his presence.

 

He can wait until she is ready to discuss it - in front of a helpful 3rd party would be helpful.

[William]

OK, since we're still bogged down in the specifics of what may have happened, what the thread starter could have done, and further cross talk regarding the specifics of domestic violence in general, instead of assisting the thread starter in their current circumstances, I'll up the ante. One member suspended. Thread remains open to topical comments. Unwillingness to follow the direction of moderation will simply result in losing your posting privileges. I'd rather see the thread starter receive topical help but we can do it either way.

[velvette]

Your husband crossed the line. My advice is not to go to marriage counseling with him at this point.

 

Demand that he arrange counseling with a counselor(male who will hold him accountable) who specializes in domestic violence. If he doesn't agree to this and take immediate action to make the appointment he needs to leave.

 

The counselor should immediately within a session or two have your H understanding, owning a apologizing to you for what he did. Additionally, he should help your H come up with a plan of specific actions he will take regarding his anger to ensure he does not cross the line again.

 

You H didn't lose his temper and shake you. He was angry and when he could not get you to engage with him he made a conscious decision to control you and make you engage with him by using violence. Abuse is about inappropriately trying to control someone else.

 

Its not clear to me whether your slapping him was defensive or whether you slapped him because you were really angry he put his hands on you. Either way, its not smart and as others have said if it happens again get away and call the police. You should have called them this time and its not too late to file a report whether they do anything about it or not.

 

Resolve not to let him bait you into behavior that crosses the line. Your statement to him that he will just do what he wants anyway tells me you have a lot of pent up resentment/hurt/anger over past stuff.

 

Good luck

 

 

 

Get yourself a counselor as well and be working on your issues while he deals with this.