No idea

[Madman81]

The counseling was interesting. More on that in a moment.

 

When I got up yesterday morning, my wife was still asleep. I went downstairs and poured all the alcohol in the house down the drain. I then went and took her credit card for the joint account. (It's actually my account and hers is a "second card" on the account.) I specifically left her own credit card, debit card and cash, because I didn't feel (and still don't) that I had any right to take them. I'm not her jailer, but as I saw it, I had a responsibility to not enable her by contributing anything that might be construed as assisting her with drinking. "Not enabling" seems to be a cardinal rule in dealing with this sort of thing.

 

Anyway, her counseling appointment was at 1230 yesterday. She called me about an hour before it and told me that she was running late, and told me that it would be good for me to get there on time anyway so that I could chat with the counselor on my own. I texted the counselor and the counselor agreed. So I arrived basically on time, and my wife got there at about 1 pm. So I had some time to chat with the counselor on my own.

 

I realize some on this thread may question the wisdom of this, but the counselor was not told about the excessive drinking or the two AA visits. The reason for this is that the counselor was appointed by the Ministry of Children and Families back in the fall because my wife's abusive ex reported her to them. The Ministry have since been investigating the matter, have access to the police records from the assault complaints concerning her ex six years ago, and it's the counselor (who is a psychologist) who first made the actual diagnosis of PTSD. The reason for not discussing the alcohol issue is that it could all get back to the Ministry and potentially to her ex, and I have no doubt that he will try to use that against her. He's done things like that in the past.

 

Back to the actual appointment. I sat down with the counselor (she did know about the suicide attempt), and the first thing she asked me was "how are you feeling about all this?"

 

Oh my god, did it feel good to be asked that, and to actually be able to tell somebody in person and receive their support. (No offense to any of the people who have offered fantastic support on this thread, which has frankly been my only source of support for the last few weeks.) No actual living breathing human has asked me that question face to face, for the most part because I've kept the suicide and alcohol issues strictly secret and haven't spoken to friends or family about them, for fear of them thinking negatively about my wife.

 

I explained to the counselor the whole thing about how I felt when I got home to my wife having taken all the Ativan (angry, frustrated, "how can you pull this crap now when I'm already under huge stress") and how selfish I knew that made me seem, and she validated my feelings completely. No bullshyt, several times during the ensuing hour, I felt like I wanted to burst into tears, or hug the counselor, or something. It made me realize that I've been dealing with this almost completely on my own, and the toll it's taken on me.

 

My wife arrived, and the discussion shifted to how I should respond to her panic attacks and PTSD. That was the less satisfying part of the session, probably because the first part was such a welcome relief.

 

One of the difficulties my wife has faced medication-wise in the last year is that her family doctor apparently seems fairly uninterested and hands-off. With my wife's blessing, I recently got a referral to a new GP who is supposedly very good and very thorough. My wife hadn't followed up on this to book a first appointment (seeing new doctors for the first time is difficult for her) so, immediately after the session, we called and booked the first appointment. She's seeing him on Tuesday. I mentioned this during the counseling, and counselor endorsed this, and mentioned that a referral to a treating psychiatrist would be a good idea. So hopefully that will flow from that appointment. Perhaps I should even see about going with my wife to that first GP appointment.

 

Later in the afternoon, my wife called me. She'd noticed that the joint credit card was missing, and asked if I'd taken it. I told her I had, and why. She was very upset about that, considered it a slap in the face and hugely disrespectful, etc. This turned into a huge emotional fight late last night/early this morning, fueled by that issue. I told her that I dumped out the booze and took the card because when I'd asked her the previous morning if I should dump it out, she responded that she could easily buy more and that it was wasteful because booze is expensive. I took that to mean that she was planning to do that, but she feels I "twisted her words". I told her that I don't feel I can trust her word when it comes to alcohol, because we've made half a dozen agreements together since the fall about limiting alcohol consumption, and she's broken them all within days or less. Her response was that at least she was truthful on Monday night when she broke down and told me she had a problem and needed to go to AA; I responded that this was indeed a good thing and brave of her, but that I was floored when she came home from the first AA meeting with a 40-pounder of vodka. I then told her what an emotional relief it had been to have the counselor ask me how I was feeling about all this, and her reply was that I was "stealing her counselor", which is rubbish since it was my wife's suggestion in the first place that I come to the session and spend some one-on-one time with the counselor. She said that I should have talked to her (my wife) about how I was feeling about all this, especially the alcohol issue; I responded that I couldn't ask her about how to deal with the alcohol issue, because she's the focal point of the issue and cannot be objective. She vehemently disagreed with this and insisted that she COULD be objective, which I couldn't agree with because her position makes no sense, and I was shocked that she couldn't (or wouldn't) see that given that she's a highly intelligent and intuitive person, considerably more so than I am.

 

Anyway, miraculously perhaps, she had nothing to drink yesterday. The fight simmered down with an agreement between us that we will not drink for the next month. Period. If that means avoiding social situations that involve drinking, we'll do that. If anybody asks, we'll simply say that we're doing a detox/cleanse thing together.

 

Right now I'm very wary about the chances of success of this one-month dryout period. I feel like I'm already dooming the efforts, but I expect that, within three days tops, she'll propose that we have some drinks or otherwise break the agreement. Hopefully I'm wrong about that. But I feel I need to give her the benefit of the doubt one more time, to demonstrate my respect for her.

 

But I can tell you, it's shaping up to be a pretty ugly scene if she doesn't stick to it.

 

So, the upshot: she's seeing a new GP on Tuesday, who will hopefully make a psychiatric referral. Her counselor is more than willing to meet with me individually with some regularity. And we're starting the first day of a one-month dry period. The next few days will be very telling.

Edited June 13, 2014 by Madman81

[2sunny]

So what are HER consequences to be if she drinks?

 

 

And do you realize she could be dead by next Tuesday?

 

You keep delaying the action part of her disease. She needs detox. Monitored care while she quits drinking!

 

Get her help TODAY!!! Take her to the hospital and drop her off.

 

I don't see a solid plan to help her. A REAL alcoholic simply can't stop without help.

[xxoo]

If "not enabling" is the cardinal rule, then you need to stop protecting her through secrecy. Her family definitely should be informed, and her ex finding out could be the kind of consequence she needs (plus the dad has a right to know that his kids are at risk!).

 

I'm worried what will happen to her mental state if she stops drinking cold turkey. IMO, it is foolish to attempt it without a dr's supervision.

[2sunny]

You aren't doing enough!

 

Start doing more!

 

Get her help!

 

Get someone who is trustworthy to come care for the kids!

 

No time for delay - take action that shows her that her behavior is unacceptable!

 

Going to that counselor obviously isn't enough - as any skilled counselor would have taken that time to calculate a plan for action for detox.

 

Or are you minimizing her drinking to others to "protect her"?

 

Stop protecting her! Get honest with everyone! Your wife is a danger to herself and her kids!

[Madman81]

I just had a session with an independent counselor, to talk about my approach to all of this, and get an independent view as to whether or not it's adequate or appropriate.

 

I outlined the entire history of the last several weeks in detail, up to and including last night's agreement that there will be no drinking for the next month.

 

A feature of this is that my wife is not drinking constantly or all day. When it happens, it starts after she has gotten her kids home from school. I've seen no evidence to indicate that she's driving under the influence. She's functional during the day in terms of personal care, her work and other responsibilities. Call this rationalizing if you like, but it's what I've observed.

 

Her kids are going to their father this weekend as per usual, so there will be a three day period during which she will have few responsibilities or pressures, where I'll be present for basically the whole time, and where there will thus be a good opportunity to observe her closely and determine her compliance with the agreement.

 

It does not appear to me that she's reached the stage of chemical alcohol dependence; she's been using it as a way of calming herself down and switching off obsessive or panic-inducing thoughts. Obviously the longer that goes on, however, the more likely it can become actual chemical dependence.

 

For now the counselor's view, in light of the facts, is that the agreement should be given a couple of days to work, before I attempt to get her into detox. If she sticks to it, that's positive. If she demonstrates an inability or unwillingness to do so, things will need to be escalated.

[pteromom]

You need to help redirect her into something that is a positive replacement for alcohol. Maybe some kind of exercise, sport, hobby... something you can do together that is healthy.

 

Otherwise, as soon as she has a bad day, she's going to drink.

 

She has to replace the habit with a different one.

[Madman81]

You need to help redirect her into something that is a positive replacement for alcohol. Maybe some kind of exercise, sport, hobby... something you can do together that is healthy.

 

Otherwise, as soon as she has a bad day, she's going to drink.

 

She has to replace the habit with a different one.

I totally agree. I've been making a point of getting more exercise lately, and she's expressed some interest in that as well. It might be useful for us to sign up for a 5K or something similar, so that we have something to work towards with a sense of accomplishment at the end. That could be a great benefit.