one of those nights

[duckrodgers]

It's one of those nights where memories are coming back to haunt me.

 

I don't no what to do to make them go away?

 

I hate it and start to think why am I here? Knowing I have to be here makes it more harder to cope.

 

They think medication makes it all go away, is does not, I feel so alone inside sometimes even so I have friends, thay don't understand.

 

sorry for ranting, I am saying what other survivors are going through

 

~duckrodgers~

[Zoot]

Memories can haunt you forever. They are sad and cruel. Find what invokes them and stay away from it until you are bigger than they are. If not - you'll hurt endlessly.

[Nine]

Hi Duckrodgers,

 

I'm sorry you had a difficult night. It just seems so unfair that you have to continue reexperiencing your abuse through your memories. I really hope you can find a good therapist that can help you work through the pain that these memories invoke.

 

I can so understand the feeling of being alone with all of your pain. I have alot of friends too, but I don't feel that I can talk to them about any of my "stuff". Sometimes I try, and I get the weirdest reactions. I think that alot of people are easily triggered into their own "stuff" when they hear about someone else's painful experiences. My therapist has been a true life line.

 

These internet forum are also great to find people who understand. From what I've seen here, there are several who do. They might not write because they are not in a place to offer active support right now. I do think there are plenty of folks out there empathizing with your struggle.

 

Peace,

Nine

[duckrodgers]

hello nine

 

I am sorry for not been on latley, I have been busy at college.

 

I have just recently wrote a letter too a person who is related to me. I am trying to trace my real father and my name surname is rare in Engalnd. I did not know Vicky existed, she is my cousin and I have shocked them all, they have not seen me for 27 years.

 

I was prepared for total rejection, instead I got a plesent reply which is a total shock to my system. This is the most hardest letter to be written, worse than being rejected.

 

 

I feeling now, what have I done? am I going to meet Diana again and have realy bad memories of that time? Have I open a can of worms? am I gonna be shocked what I might find.......I know there all (if's) and (but's)and they are wizzing around in my head.

 

 

I wanted to know if my real father was still alive. I am shocked beacsue they have a picture of me

and can remember me.

 

 

It's only been 6 years since my step-dad died, it could take longer to get over the crap he dished out.

 

~duckrodgers~

[Nine]

Dear Duckrodgers,

 

How exciting to find your cousin...and she knows you and has a pic of you! That is awesome. I think you will do fine writing her back. Just be yourself. Have you thought about what you would like to happen in terms of meeting her?

 

Who is Diana? I don't think you've mentioned her before, have you?

 

Yeah, I agree with you...it will take some time to get over the abuse your step dad did to you.

 

Keep strong Jason.

 

Good luck with school...what are you studying?

 

Peace,

Nine

[duckrodgers]

Hi nine

 

How are you?

 

I am a Diploma Art & Design student studying multimedia, Ceramics, textiles, 2D & 3D Design. I have lots of options after this course. 1) to be an art therapist. 2) go further with ceramics. 3) Multimedia. 4) National Diploma: not gonna think about it yet and hate making descssions..lol

 

I don't know what I want to happen if I meet Vicky, I am scared because I have 13 aunts & uncles that I have not seen before. My biggest fear is Diana who is my aunt.

 

Diana fosterd me because my mother was a single parent who could not cope. I have memmory of lots of blood in a bathroom, black and white tiled floor and me being dragged by my arm up stairs. There are other incidents that are fresh in my mind.

 

A woman in underwear stood at the top stairs. A child saying " we have to hide this broken train" because she would hit us. This might be nothing and could have simple explination to it, but is scares the hell out of me.

 

What did really happen to me at the age of 4?. It makes me wounder if its been in my imagination all a long and was set off because what my step-dad did. My mother and Diana never saw eye to eye, they both hated each other.

 

These memories are so real and scary. Nobody will never tell me truth about my 4th year alive: suppose I will never find out.

 

 

Take care

[Nine]

Hi Duckrodgers,

 

I am fine, thank you. I've been really busy...sorry for not responding sooner.

 

I am a Diploma Art & Design student studying multimedia, Ceramics, textiles, 2D & 3D Design. I have lots of options after this course. 1) to be an art therapist. 2) go further with ceramics. 3) Multimedia. 4) National Diploma: not gonna think about it yet and hate making descssions..lol

 

My best decisions have not been difficult to make. Sometimes I just have to wait until I'm ready. Your studies sound very interesting. I love artistic people...and you have found a practical way of using your art!

 

Geez, I can understand why you are afraid of meeting your Aunt. Those are horrible memories. It sounds like you want to meet her so that you can get some insight into your memories. You are right, you may never get a concrete answer about what happened to you. I've wrestled with that in the past and still do sometimes. I know that you can still heal without knowing for sure. I would say that you have enough information to know that you experienced a very rough childhood and that that affects you. And I know you can overcome it!

 

BTW, I would say that it probably isn't in your imagination.

 

Peace,

Nine